VPJG: Welcome back to an all new Grutman vs. Daniels! I like to think of it as a holy war being the Jews, me, and the Uglies, Daniels.
VPJG: How ya doing cupcake?
Kaisen316: The Giants suck.
VPJG: I know! They always terrorize us “wee little people”, raping our land of crops, killing our children.
Kaisen316: You’re an idiot .
VPJG: Oh my God! They have ads on AIM now?
Kaisen316: What?
VPJG: They have ads on AIM! An ad just play on my buddy list!
VPJG: For Timeline!
VPJG: That shouldn’t happen.
Kaisen316: They have always had little banners, fool. I’ve never heard sounds before though.
VPJG: An entire commercial just played. Anyway, where were we?
VPJG: Ah yes.
VPJG: Welcome back to an all new Grutman vs. Daniels! Daniels is the one wearing the Clay Aiken Rules t-shirt.
VPJG: Did I do that already?
Kaisen316: Yes.
Kaisen316: And don’t be mean to the Elf. He ahs a nice voice
VPJG: Awesome! Two for one baby! Who won the debate last week, and remember I got an extra vote through an IMer.
Kaisen316: Then you won
Kaisen316: We tied via email
VPJG: Awesome! The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie… kind of.
Kaisen316: Better than Revolutions
Kaisen316: If I knew how disappointed I’d be with Revolutions, I’d have given you the Reloaded argument
VPJG: Hey! Revolutions was fantastic if fantastic means shitty.
VPJG: So I guess I break my losing streak and get to choose tonight’s topic!
VPJG: However, welcome to the new part of the column.
VPJG: We’re worldly men, ain’t we TD?
Kaisen316: We are
VPJG: We wrote for wrestling. I write for movies. You write for music. We could probably even write for comics or… or figur… or fi… we could probably write for comics.
VPJG: So we’re taking GvD all over the place!
VPJG: Loser picks what section we write for.
VPJG: Winner picks the topic.
VPJG: And with Black coming, HO BOY!
VPJG: This is going to get interesting. So pick the section.
Kaisen316: I pick…. music
VPJG: I thought you might. You have the advantage, so I’ll try to swing it my way a little bit by including a little television.
VPJG: American Idol: Good for the music industry or bad for the music industry?
VPJG: Yes, that’s right! We two straight males must now discuss American Idol! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kaisen316: Who picks the sides?
VPJG: Still the loser
VPJG: Which would be you.
VPJG: I can’t wait till our first figures debate. You know anything about figures?
Kaisen316: My roommate collects them, I can cheat
Kaisen316: And I’ll take bad
Kaisen316: very very very bad
Kaisen316: so bad it hurts
VPJG: Okay. I know nothing about figures.
Kaisen316: So bad it makes you look like a good writer.
VPJG: I’ll be all, “The pecs on He-Man are so realistic compare to the Little Pony thing”
VPJG: Did you just diss AI?
Kaisen316: I know that new Star Wars figures have magnets in their hands so you can pretend the figures have the force
Kaisen316: I think that means I automatically win the first figures debate
VPJG: Shut up about figures nerd. Did you just diss AI?
VPJG: A show that has produced I believe 3 #1 albums?
Kaisen316: AI? No, I heard it was a fine movie
Kaisen316: but we’re on music this week, jagoff
Kaisen316: try and keep up
VPJG: A show that has produced 3 megastars?
Kaisen316: Are you counting Justin?
Kaisen316: cuz, I could be wrong, but I don’t think the big black dude has released his album yet.
VPJG: The fraggle? Hell no. A show that has helped the recording industry when piracy is eating the industry alive?
Kaisen316: “Let’s find people who can actually sing and let them make albums.” Isn’t that what the music industry is supposed to do?
Kaisen316: Good for television? Maybe. Good for music? No.
VPJG: Why is it bad for music?
VPJG: You keep saying it’s bad but never why.
Kaisen316: Because, it lets people see just HOW processed the world of pop has become.
VPJG: So?
VPJG: 2 minutes have passed since I typed so. Daniels is lost.
Kaisen316: I will point out that the “VPJG is typing thing” was in the corner for most of those 2 minutes
Kaisen316: I was being polite
VPJG: Heh. Well, I was prepping my response to your response so it doesn’t take 2 minutes!
VPJG: So I ask again.
VPJG: So?
VPJG: Yeah, I want to know how big that cock is.
VPJG: SORRY!
VPJG: Wrong IM!
VPJG: Ignore that.
VPJG: Totally ignore that.
VPJG: Come on Daniels! I’m bored over here!
Kaisen316: OK, here is my problem with American Idol… I hate processed pop music. Boy Bands, Girl bands, assembled bands, Brittney, Christina, etc etc. I think that whole GENRE is bad for music… and this show is the ultimate show of that. WHY do I think it’s bad for music? Because I think that music should say something
VPJG: You dirty snob.
VPJG: Teenage girls aren’t allowed to enjoy what they clearly enjoy?
Kaisen316: Yes, it is snobbish
Kaisen316: I’m fine with that.
VPJG: Christina and Pink have evolved as artists. Even, Jesus, Justin Timberlake is making music you can listen to without ripping your ears off.
Kaisen316: Are you serious?
VPJG: About Christina and Pink at least.
Kaisen316: Do you think Christina, Pink, and Justin have anything at all to do with their image?
Kaisen316: Come on, you’re stupid buy you’re not that naive.
VPJG: Pink doesn’t have an image!
VPJG: Pink is the most awesome thing in pop right now. Did you even give Try This a chance? It’s a good, good album.
VPJG: But wait! Pop can’t produce a good album.
VPJG: Madonna never made a good album.
VPJG: The Beatles and The Beach Boys never made a good album!
VPJG: Michael Jackson never made a good album!
VPJG: If it’s popular, we have to hate it because we’re music nerds!
VPJG: Christina has an amazing voice and Pink has put together an amazing pop record and you could care less despite your “love” for music.
VPJG: You son a bitch!
Kaisen316: Bullshit, I agree with you that Christina has a good voice
Kaisen316: Clay Aiken has a really great voice, too.
VPJG: Did you know Clay would do terrible things if he were invisible?
Kaisen316: However, this mindless garbage that they spew out year after year is pointless and stupid.
VPJG: Yes, it doesn’t have the importance of a song like Yellow Submarine or that new Jet song.
VPJG: Isn’t it amazing that a song like Invisible can make girls scream and yell and cry?
Kaisen316: Yeah, Clay is a true heart throb
VPJG: Isn’t it amazing that a giant fat black young man can win over white America on a television show?
Kaisen316: They made a movie based on Clay.
Kaisen316: It’s called Elf.
VPJG: HAHAHA! What a f*cking snob. And an ugly one.
VPJG: There is room for pop music. There is room for American Idol.
VPJG: Want to know why pop is sticking around? Because it’s easy to listen to and usually inoffensive.
Kaisen316: Of course there is room for pop
VPJG: What’s wrong with having that kind of music around ALSO?
VPJG: What’s wrong with having a show like American Idol that brings us the best unsigned singers in American and allows them to be in the position to sing that inoffensive music?
VPJG: Meanwhile, you also get a prissy Brit screaming insults at these kids who want to be part of the machine you detest.
VPJG: Something for everyone.
Kaisen316: There is a ton of unsigned talent in the world. Actual BANDS that have far more talent than anything these people could hope to have.
Kaisen316: And yet we need MORE pop shoved down our throats
Kaisen316: Because, you know, there isn’t enough of it.
VPJG: Hey! They’re not shoving ANYTHING down ANYONE’S throat!
VPJG: Unlike you with your little brother!
VPJG: When were you forced to watch American Idol?
Kaisen316: Oh please.
VPJG: I know, I liked that line too.
Kaisen316: The music industry revolves around MTV
Kaisen316: What MTV says is popular is popular.
Kaisen316: and I don’t have a brother
VPJG: And want to know why MTV isn’t exactly screaming from the roof tops how awesome American Idol is?
VPJG: Because it is owned by Viacom.
VPJG: Which owns CBS. NOT FOX. CBS. (Grutman side note: I have no idea what I’m talking about here.)
VPJG: Maybe that’s why Kelly Clarkson and Rueben and Clay have never played at an MTV award show?
Kaisen316: Or maybe it’s because MTV likes their marketed stars better
VPJG: So try again about how American Idol is being stuffed down our throats.
Kaisen316: Right, and I certainly haven’t seen Kelly on TRL at all.
VPJG: That’s not MTV. That’s America VOTING for Kelly Clarkson.
VPJG: That’s Kelly promoting an album.
VPJG: Try again. Talk about how we’re forced to watch American Idol.
VPJG: AMERICA CHOOSES TO.
VPJG: America likes it.
VPJG: America spends way too much money voting.
Kaisen316: OK, now you explain what makes it good for music instead of good for television
VPJG: First of all, album sales.
VPJG: It is the fact that Clay and Rueben and Kelly and Best Of AI albums exists that allow serious artists who don’t sell many albums to be with major labels.
VPJG: And that’s not an insult to the three AI winners. They’re serious in their own right.
VPJG: Meanwhile, Rolling Stone gave Kelly Clarkson’s debut 3 stars.
Kaisen316: But how do you refer to Clay and Ruben and Kelly as “artists”
Kaisen316: Wouldn’t you consider and artist as someone who creates something?
Kaisen316: what do these guys do? Get a piece of paper and belt out the words
Kaisen316: That doesn’t make them an artist.
Kaisen316: At all.
VPJG: Doesn’t it? You paint a picture of a bowl of fruit.
Kaisen316: And making simple minded people like you think that they are artists is a crying shame
VPJG: YOU PAINT A PICTURE OF A BOWL OF FRUIT YOU BLOW JOB GIVING INCEST COMMITTING OLDER BROTHER!
VPJG: Are you not an artist?
VPJG: I mean, the bowl of fruit was there. You just painted it.
Kaisen316: ok?
VPJG: So, are you an artist?
VPJG: If you paint a picture of a bowl of fruit.
Kaisen316: Yes, you are… you created something
VPJG: What’s the difference between using your voice to create a version of a song someone else wrote and using a brush to paint a bowl of fruit anyone can paint?
Kaisen316: Who says anyone can paint it? I guess the question comes down to: do you consider and actor an artist
Kaisen316: Because all these people are actors.
Kaisen316: They are given a script and a character
Kaisen316: And they become them.
VPJG: Here’s the real question: What’s wrong with a show they gave up Kelly Clarkson to sing these inoffensive songs instead of Mandy Moore and Brittany Spears?
Kaisen316: You mean like Miss Independent, that was originally written for Christina Aguilera… proving the extreme interchangeability of these people.
VPJG: Yep. Better than Mandy Moore singing it, no?
VPJG: I know it’s not the topic but I’d like to get back to Pink for a second as I think you’re missing the boat on her.
Kaisen316: It’s better than Brit singing it… at least Kelly can sing.
Kaisen316: please, enlighten me
VPJG: Damn straight.
VPJG: Anyway, Pink writes her own songs. She works with incredible artists. She exposes issues of neglect, parent issues, lover issues, and her new album is just really good.
VPJG: I don’t think she should be consider pop.
VPJG: “If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, love is the rhythm, you are the music.”
VPJG: Come on. That’s something!
Kaisen316: I will reserve judgment as I have not heard anything on the new album
Kaisen316: And, if you have it, you’re gay
VPJG: Yes. I… I bought it. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
VPJG: Spent my hard earned money on it!
Kaisen316: I didn’t say bought it
Kaisen316: I said have it
VPJG: You said you have it? When did you say this?
VPJG: Anyway, back to American Idol. Anything that gives Paula Abdul work in this time when people are not hiring Arabs is okay with me!
Kaisen316: Here’s another problem I have, Simon.
Kaisen316: Why are people so impressed by him? Have they never had a serious music teacher before?
VPJG: Because he’s honest to kids with big dreams and lots of heart who suck?
Kaisen316: Yeah, but people are impressed by this
Kaisen316: Shit, I know violin teachers that would break fingers if you missed a note
VPJG: You think they’re impressed?
VPJG: Nobody is impressed.
VPJG: Daniels… sad, sad Daniels.
VPJG: Everybody loves a villain.
Kaisen316: He’s not a villain
Kaisen316: He’s like every other music teacher in the world
VPJG: Well, he’s the villain.
Kaisen316: “Oooh, Simon is so mean to them.” “No, Simon is just like any other voice teacher on the planet.”
VPJG: Then why does Simon critique clothing and weight and hair?
VPJG: Why do the kids that he insults stay on longer than they should?
Kaisen316: Because it’s his money on the line
Kaisen316: He needs someone he can market
VPJG: If the singer flops Simon doesn’t suffer.
VPJG: Hey, remember the GvD where you were in Montreal?
Kaisen316: American Idol creates marketable personalities… and Simon can’t market a 300 pound white girl
Kaisen316: Just ain’t gonna happen
VPJG: For those who didn’t read it, I basically insulted the hell out of Daniels and all he had to defend himself was his away message that said, “MONTREAL!!!”
VPJG: I knew everyone would vote for Daniels but I also knew I’d be loved for writing it.
VPJG: Everyone loves a villain.
Kaisen316: So, what… everyone loves a douchebag, too?
Kaisen316: Regardless, why don’t you throw me your final argument
VPJG: That gives me an idea!
VPJG: One second!
VPJG: 61 return results for douchebag, American Idol and Simon on google.
VPJG: 1,710 for the same search with asshole instead of douchebag
VPJG: 782 with fag.
VPJG: People love a villain.
VPJG: Okay, final argument time.
VPJG: Say the music is generic. It sells. Say the artists it produces are processed. They can sing. Say it’s killing good music, but the money it brings in supports a lot of those serious artists and allows them to make music. Finally, say that no one should watch it but millions of people do. They watch if for no other reason than to dream a little bit that it could be them. That might be a crappy dream, but you tell that to the thousands of people camped out at the American Idol tryout centers. You tell their dream sucks, Daniels.
VPJG: You ass loving coke fiend.
VPJG: God I hate you.
VPJG: Okay, your turn.
Kaisen316: Don’t hate God
Kaisen316: God loves you
Kaisen316: Regardless
VPJG: Danielsnotgrutmanpretendingtobedaniels: YOU’RE RIGHT!
VPJG: Good. I’m glad we’re agreed.
VPJG: Thanks for joining us for another Grutman vs. Daniels!
VPJG: You can e-mail your votes to me at VPJG@aol.com.
VPJG: This is Grutman saying that if Daniels were invisible he’d go into Clay Aiken’s room and watch him sleep!
Kaisen316: This whole, drawn out column you failed to give me one good reason why this is good for music. You told me many times over why it makes a great television show, but not once what makes it good for music. The processed garbaged that the music industry has been assembly lining out for the last 10 years at $20 a pop is starting to come back and bite them in the ass. All this shows people is just HOW processed it is. Everything in your final argument tells me what makes it a great television show… but it still sucks for music
Kaisen316: And you continue to amaze me with your level of assholery
VPJG: Well, Grutman asshole google search produces 25 results.
VPJG: Daniels asshole produces 13,800. So who’s the asshole?
Kaisen316: You are.
VPJG: That’s right, you are.
Kaisen316: |Too late
VPJG: As always, this is Grutman saying that Daniels claims to be above it all and then masturbates to fake nude photos of Reuben Stubbard!
VPJG: Studdard.
VPJG: The fat black guy.
Kaisen316: This is Daniels saying that Joshua Grutman actually IS Clay Aiken
WHO DO YOU THINK WON? SEND YOUR VOTES TO JOSHUA GRUTMAN! AND REMEMBER, DANIELS LOVES TAKING IT IN THE POOPER FROM HIS UNCLE!
