In Memoriam: Arthur Conley. The answer, of course, is, “Yes, we like good music. And that soul music is definitely sweet.”
Sorry about lack of preliminaries or non-wrestling stuff, but Thursday, Friday, and Monday have been typical days from Hell at work, and I absolutely lack the physical energy to put anything into this column outside of what’s at my fingertips (or do a column for Fleabag last week as well; however, it did keep me away from the subject of Art Carney, who was the greatest second banana in TV history, period). The good news is that my medical insurance is kicking in in a couple of weeks, and as soon as I find a doctor, I can find what the next step above Klonopin is. The bad news is that I need whatever it is right now. The stress of this damn job is killing me. And watching the Bears blow that game on Sunday with stupid, stupid penalties didn’t help, let me assure you. Yeah, we’re getting one Bears game here for the rest of the year, and it had to be that one. Yeesh. The only good thing is that Slick Rick tried my chicken (I’m head of quality, so it’s my chicken) and loved it. Really, Rick, after last Thursday and Friday, saying that meant a lot to me.
In other words, don’t expect anything truly brilliant, ground-breaking, or even perspicacious. You have to have functioning brain cells to pull that off. I don’t even have enough energy to say anything about Ah-nuld and Limbaugh, and that’s really saying something.
There is one thing I’d like to say: the Flair DVD set comes out today. Get it, dammit.
Let’s head on to the weekend’s festivities…
HEY, THE BOOKING WASN’T TOO RETARDED!
Damn you, David Campbell. Because of you, I can’t puff my chest up and say that I was the only one in the Round Table to call the correct result of the Team Bischoff/Team Wife-Beater match. But if Austin shows up on Smackdown on Thursday, I reserve the right to crow like a rooster in heat. Of course, Steph not showing up on Raw blew that half of the idea.
Honestly, when I wrote up my Round Table item, I forgot about Angle’s neck injury and his surgery, which shows you how much I’ve been paying attention to Smackdown lately. However, I am more excited about the prospect of seeing a Benoit/Cena/Happy Fun Brock Triple Threat at Royal Rumble than I would have been with Angle. Yeah, Benoit mark, I know, but, Jesus, so is nine-tenths of the IWC. So sue me.
Molly going over is indeed a surprise. It’s a pleasant surprise, though. Maybe they have some idea that Lita’s push isn’t working, and they’re going to shunt her aside. That totally screws up everything for the women’s division, though. They invested so much in Lita, thinking that she’d get over without any problem, that they decided to turn their safety valve, Missus Hyatte. Now Trish’s turn is going to be aborted in order to give Molly some kind of competition. Of course, I’m writing this before Raw, so who the hell knows what they’re going to do with Trish?
The Shane/Kane match was a pretty nice balancing act. Shane took extraordinary measures to take Kane down, but still lost. Kane didn’t look weak (well, that weak…Williams has a good point about Kane’s seeming lack of offense in comparison to Shane), and Shane looked decent on top of it. Now what are they going to do with Kane until they feed him to Undertweener at WM? Everyone’s speculating about Goldberg, and, personally, I can’t think of anything better at this point. Kane has heat, he’s doing a damn good job with his character, and he’s more popular than ever. But will they throw him the belt at Armageddon? Not if Trip has anything to say about it.
And speaking of Trip…I can understand where they’re going with this one. Trip hasn’t played the pursuer for a long time now, and maybe he’s gained a little perspective on his monopoly of the belt. Yeah, Goldberg isn’t as over as they might have hoped, but right now, he’s better than Trip getting the belt back for another until-WM title reign, a prospect that was guaranteed to lose more audience than they already have. But the only logical booking right now is that Trip (and Evolution) continue the feud with Goldie. Thanks to his machinations, there’s no face big enough to take him and the whole stable on in a feud that would seem even remotely equal. If I were them, I’d seriously look at Goldie/Kane and Trip/Booker as a holding action. And from the looks of what happened on Raw, the first one’s on.
Does Mark Cuban count as a legend? If so, is he officially killed? If so the second, did NBA refs pay Orton to do it? Personally, I think that Orton’s actions were a bit overboard. Jesus Christ, Randy, the guy’s team lost to the f*cking Grizzlies on Saturday. Have a little mercy.
The sad part about the Bashams/Guerreros match is that they didn’t include a good way to facilitate a breakup between Eddy and Chavito. Of course, what do you do with the tag division on SD after that? Turn Haas and Benjamin? Move Cade and Jindrak over (no, they seem to be the solution to the tag divison on Raw)? They’d be better off apart, but not if it totally kills the SD tag scene.
Well, that’s enough woolgathering. Let’s turn to other things before confronting more current nightmares…
THE PIMP SECTION
Considering the subject matter, Nute should be happy that he’s getting this pimp. But, hey, I like the kid, so I’ll cut him a little slack.
Williams doesn’t have another news column until Sunday, so if he wants to recap SurSer, let him.
Laflin gets a pimp because he and I are in agreement with the result of the K-State/Nebraska game on Saturday. He loves the result because he’s a fan of the winning team. I love the result because it’s fun to watch an entire city suffer in abject misery.
And here’s those current nightmares I mentioned earlier…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Booker T over Mark Henry (Pinfall, rollup): With a little Cheat-To-Win Eddy action going on as well. Damn, I love when Booker does that. And no-selling Henry’s power moves…ah, it’s so wonderfully refreshing. Please let this be the start of something bigger for him. He deserves it so much, and Henry doesn’t.
Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak over Rene Dupree and Rob Conway (Pinfall, Cade pins Conway, double-team dropkick): Please note that for the first time in three weeks, Ross did not use the term “Lance Cade”. Welcome back to Planet WWE, JR. There is a question that needs to be answered, though: with the kind of fast-paced action that Cade and Jindrak can throw out there (Rockers in their heyday, except bigger?), do they really need cheap heat bullshit like the “we’re dedicating this match to the Armed Forces” stuff?
Rob Van Dam over Ric Flair (oh, this is already sad), Intercontinental Title Match (DQ, Orton-ference): They couldn’t make this the transition match? It’s for the IC strap. It’s got Ric Flair in it. It was the first non-total-formula Van Dam match in months. And it couldn’t get transition honors. Disrespect all around.
Buh Buh Ray and D-Von Dudley over My Beautiful And Beloved’s Useless Hangers-On (Pinfall, D-Von pins Test, 3-D): The match was bleh. However, I have to discuss the Dudleys’ outfits. If you ever wanted to define the “butt” in “butt-ugly”, you couldn’t do better than to use those outfits. Nothing worked, not even the new marketing effort…T-shirt. This isn’t the worst Dudleys-related image I ever had in my life. That nightmare I had about Buh Buh Ray on my toilet as I went into the bathroom to take a shower still beats it out. Not by much, though.
Eric Bischoff and Molly Holly over Matt Hardy and Lita, Intergender Tag Match (Pinfall, Bischoff pins Lita, shenanigans): Well, that reinforces my whole “Trish doesn’t turn” hypothesis, doesn’t it? Of course, the lip-smack later on with Jericho de-inforces it.
Val Venis over Rico (Pinfall, Money Shot): Yeah, the ending was a little screwy, but this is the best match either of these guys have had in quite a while. It’s definitely the best match Constantino has had since he started the Adrian Street gimmick. There’s something that we’ve forgotten about Raw: in the midcard, there’s still some damn good wrestling to be found, if you look hard enough and if they give it a chance to come out.
Slick Rick has a question about this match:
The one time during the Venis match that I turn around (TV is about 90 degrees from the TV and I was in the middle of a turn in a PBEM game that I’m playing with some guys at work) and I get a shot of Jackie’s nipple, live on Spike.
How was Lawler able to restrain himself from comment?
Bad monitors up at the announce booth?
Trip, Dave, and Randy over Bill (Pinfall, Trip pins Goldberg, Pedigree): Thrilled me so much that I fell asleep on my couch during Kane’s entrance and didn’t wake up until six hours later.
Angle Developments:
Celebrate Good Times, Come On!: Yes, Bisch had every right to gloat in his promo, and it should have lasted longer than it did before Trip stuck his nose in to get his two cents. However, Trip made a good point as well…are they actually getting self-consistent with these promos or is it just my imagination?
Of course, the Ravin’ Cajun has to ruin my joy for me:
What’s the over/under on Austin’s return? I say three weeks, just in time for the next PPV where there’s a match to determine if he returns.
I’ll say that he’s a surprise entrant for the Royal Rumble match.
Okay, I Forgive Them For The Transition Slight…: I’m going to take a wait-and-see on Matt Hardy until the booking becomes clear. Was Mattitude really as played out as it seemed to be on Smackdown? I’m not certain, but given a new venue, it could flourish. And Molly had the Pat Benatar thing going again, which is always a good thing (and the Ravin’ Cajun agrees). Wrapping it all up in a nice package was the return of the Highlight Reel and the return of Chris Jericho’s promo power. Sometimes Raw can do SE properly. This was one of those times. Even if Lita was involved.
That’s it for this one. Be back tomorrow with the usual mishmash.
About Eric Szulczewski
