Well, I’m officially a member of the movie zone now as I’ve found a new guy to do Junk News in the wrestling section. Now I can truly focus on making jokes about movies.
GRUTMAN LOVES NUMBERS! Analyzing the box office report.
The big news this week has to be the major fall of Matrix: Revolutions. Will Ferrell’s Elf and Russell Crowe’s Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World both out earned the final chapter of the Warchoweski Brother’s trilogy. Will Ferrell was so happy that he announced that in 5 years Elf: Terrible Middle Movie and Elf: Confusing Crappy Conclusion will be released. Russell Crowe also announced that he is usually drunk and violent.
The big losers this week, besides the Warcowhesski Brothers, are the indies. After building and building, Mystic River and Lost in Translation are slipping on their per theater average, both down to under 2,500 dollars. Realizing they will not be the next My Big Fat Greek Beckham, the two films plan to rob a bank and win the Los Angeles Critic’s Association award before retiring to the “arty†corner of the local video store.
Also stinking up the per screen average this week was Looney Tunes: Back in Action. I liked the original title, Looney Tunes: Pokemon are for dick wads.
On a per screen basis, besides Elf and Master, the two big winners were Love Actually and Tupac: Resurrection. Hearing that a dead rap star and an English cast performed well at the box office, movie executives have green-lit Snoop Dog’s London Bitch is Fallin Down on the condition that they can kill him.
COMING SOON! A look at the films to be released this week done in the style of a crappy entertainment show.
Lots of buzz this week for 4 big openings! Let’s not waste any time and get right to the news!
Eddie Murphy is BACK! The man who portrayed Buckwheat on Saturday Night Live, the dragon in Mulan, the donkey in Shrek and gave a transvestite a ride home in His Car is at it again! No, he’s not picking up any chicks with dicks, he’s starring in a new children’s film from Disney! The Haunted Mansion, which if I’m not mistaken is the first movie ever based on an amusement park ride, stars Murphy as a guy who moves in with his family to a house filled with ghosts! Will we want to see the movie again in 48 Hours or will we be Pluto NASHing our teeth? My vote is for the former.
Billy Bob Thorten is Bad Santa! This dark comedy also stars Bernie Mac as the head of security and John Ritter in one of his final roles as the Mall Manager! The buzz on this movie is so bad that John Ritter would probably be thankful to be dead if he were still alive. Still, any movie with a midget gives me a case of the chuckles, so I’m getting on line TONIGHT!
Ron Howard, brother of Clive Howard, presents to us The Missing. Tommy Lee Jones plays a guy with long hair and a sexy girlfriend or daughter hunting down a magical man who stole his grand daughter. I’d put my money on that magical man being Harrison Ford as revenge for the Fugitive! We all remember that movie. We won’t remember this one.
Finally, Timeline comes out! Based on a book by the author of Jurassic Park, this movie looks to be as exciting as a movie about kids who travel back in time to the age of knights can be. Starring Paul Walker Anderson, the director of Magnolia and Punch Drunk Love, look for Timeline to be the big winner this week at the box office, destroying Bad Santa and pissing all over Ron Howard. This has been Coming Attractions!
Junk News! Huzzah
Keanu Reeves is replacing Russell Crowe in Ridley Scott’s next film, Tripoli Think of it like losing your Lobster and Sirloin Steak dinner and having it replaced with a Big Mac.
Will Natalie Portman play Lois Lane in the new Superman franchise? Not if she can’t escape from my cellar she won’t!
In other news, Natalie Portman has been missing for the past day and a half. Stars sometimes do this and the police are convinced it’s nothing, so listen to the police. It’s nothing.
Thousands have petitioned for Christopher Lee to appear in the final Lord of the Rings film. Oh yeah. Even though Saurmon doesn’t play an important part in the third book, even though LOTR has given us two incredible films and is going to give us a third, even though Peter Jackson swears he’ll include all of the Christopher Lee stuff in the DVD, let’s bitch and moan like the petty nerds we are! Seriously! Let’s complain to high heaven about this crappy bullshit because it is the fact that we can complain about it that makes America so great! USA! USA! LOTR SUCKS! SAURMON! USA!
Steve Martin will be playing the role of the Pink Panther. He’s going to sell carpet insulation?
Wes Craven’s werewolf film Cursed is back on track. The film stars Christina Ricci, in my opinion the sexiest actress in Hollywood today. I implore Wes Craven to add many nude Christina Ricci shots, and also shots of her having sex with a werewolf. Yes, that does it for me.
Lethal Weapon 5 might be made and based on the final 24 hours in the lives of Riggs and Murtaugh. Mel Gibson has said he will do the film if Murtaugh betrays Riggs and the film is done in Latin, Hebrew and Arabic without subtitles.
Where there is greatness there much be parody, and thus here comes the parody of Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings. There is an evil wizard named Enron. Surprisingly enough, the week the movie is released it will either make 4.5 million dollars finishing behind the third Charlie’s Angels movie and that movie with the SNL alumni that is the top movie for one week then plummets into obscurity.
Surprise! They want to make X-3! Who would’ve thought they’d want to make a third sequel to two critically acclaimed movies that made a boatload of money? NOT ME!
Halle Berry recently split from her husband, that guy with the long hair you see at all the award shows. This is great news for Denzel Washington, who is looking forward to splitting with his wife and making surprisingly ugly babies with Halle.
Michael Jackson, star of Men in Black II, is once again being investigated for having sex with little boys. Jackson swears that the allegations are false and that he loves children and would never do anything to hurt one that he was having sex with. Jackson’s lawyers tried to clarify what Jackson had said, but one of them had to leave the press conference to prevent Michael Jackson from molesting his son.
Ben Stiller is making a dodgeball comedy. I think this might be a good time to do a new feature in Movie Junk News, DO THEY SUCK OR NOT?
BEN STILLER SUCKS
1. Dupelx!
2. Meet the Parents
3. Black and White
4. Mystery Men
5. The Suburbans
6. The Cable Guy
7. Heavyweights
Okay! Gotta beat 7.
BEN STILLER RULES!
1. The Royal Tennebaums
2. Zoolander
3. Keeping the Faith
4. Permanent Midnight
5. Your Friends and Neighbors
6. There’s Something About Mary
7. Zero Effect
8. Flirting with Disaster!
Not even counting his awesome turn as an orderly in Happy Gilmore, ladies and gentlemen, Ben Stiller Rules! Especially in 1998. Too bad it’s not 1998 anymore.
Speaking of insulting awesome actors, here’s the sexiest girl in this column (it was close, but she beat me), Gloomchen and
Nihilism and Cupcakes
Aloha once more. I’m still Gloomchen, just like last week. And you’re here to read this either because you love movies or you’re just mindlessly following the directions of your lovely cult leader, Mr. Grutman.
Let’s assume you love movies. It can also likely then be assumed that you have a favorite film, a favorite actor and/or actress, favorite lines, favorite scenes, ad infinitum. Conversely, one also then can assume that there are films, scenes, and personages of cinematic significance that really get under your skin.
This brings me to the topic du jour: Tom Hanks.
I’ve put up with craptastic Keanu Reeves, shitty Steven Seagal, and inept Arnold Schwarzenegger for years. This is not difficult for me to do, as a rather large chunk of the movie critiquing population will rip on these individuals at will and make me feel all warm and squishy inside. However, my hatred is not sated when it comes to critic-darling Tom Hanks, and for this he must pay.
You know, I only like two Tom Hanks movies: Philadelphia and Road To Perdition. Do you know why those movies are good? BECAUSE TOM HANKS DIES IN THE END. Nothing made me feel more warm and squishy inside than to see blood running from Tom Hanks’ limp corpse, I tell you. The only thing that might have been better is if the dying would’ve happened in You’ve Got Mail instead, and Meg Ryan would’ve been gunned down at his side.
Oh! BUT HE WAS IN SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, you whine! WE LOVED THAT MOVIE! Well you know what I say to that? Screw you and your
Spielbergian drivel! I would’ve burned that DVD years ago if the drawn-out dialogue wasn’t so good for helping me fall asleep. Seriously. How can you forgive a guy who made a film out of talking to a goddamn volleyball? How can you love a man who thinks life is like a box of chocolates? LIFE IS LIKE A BUCKET OF VOMIT, TOM. FACE IT OR I WILL STAB YOU IN THE FACE WITH FORKS!
Okay… breathe in, breathe out. I’ll be alright, just give me a few minutes here. Or, perhaps, sate my sanity with some visiting to a place of nirvana, my dearest ‘zine, Anada. Read its words. Soothe your nerves. Write something, perhaps I shall give you a cookie.
Now, back to Captain Hanks and his Career of Crap. That Thing You Do! Sleepless In Seattle. Joe Versus The Volcano. Please, don’t even try defending this mindless drivel. It will only kill your brain cells at ever-exponentially increasing speeds. You know what I have to say about Apollo 13? Look at the damn casting — they should’ve just called it Forrest Gump Goes To The Moon. Oooh! Let’s bore everyone with hours of floating in space and almost dying! THEY’LL CARE ABOUT ME BECAUSE I’M TOM HANKS! THEY WON’T STAB ME IN THE FACE WITH FORKS BECAUSE I’M TOM HANKS!
Watch your back, Tommy boy. I’ve got my forks ready.
E-mail Gloomchen. Remember, she’s the cutest thing that’s ever going to write a column on 411. If you want to combine your love of harassing Internet columnists AND women, you’d do well to start writing to Gloomchen every day. Half gloom, half Chinese. I think.
And now to end on a cliffhanger! Someone at 411 is gay! And that person is
