Welcome back to The Bootleg. Did you know I was briefly the voice of Hondo McLean during the Screen Actors Guild strike of 1987? Actually, I was grateful for the work. I had pretty much sworn off car-based cartoons after the “Rodimus Prime” era of Transformers. Hell, even their producers knew they f*cked up and brought Optimus Prime back to life by the end of the season.
And, I never quite figured out that whole “leadership matrix” thang. Optimus “died” and gave it to Ultra Magnus. Not because Magnus was much of a hero, but because he was standing the closest to Prime when Optimus pulled into that big weigh station in the sky. You have no idea how close we came to “Perceptormus Prime”…by my measurements, just a few inches to the right.
Just so everyone knows, I’ll be takin’ next Friday off. I’m anticipating Mrs. Bootleg will be eating her weight in dressing, collard greens, sweet potato pie and turkey on Thanksgiving Day and you know what that means for Thanksgiving Night. I’ll be rolling her gravy-filled ass over every hour so she doesn’t completely crush our unborn son under the weight of all that breast and wing shrapnel. Oh yeah…Mrs. B likes her some white meat. Hey, wait a minute…
Anyways, the tentative plan is to turn next Friday’s column entirely over to you readers. Send me anything (news, commentary, etc.) related to the music world. If it doesn’t suck, then it’ll go into next week’s column. I’ve already got a piece on the Australian music scene from a Friend of the Bootleg, so hop on your keyboard and contribute. A few rules: 1.) Spell check is your friend. 2.) Keep the profanity to a dull roar. 3.) No bashing of other 411 Music writers. That job has been filled internally.
You know that feeling you get when you’re so stuffed that you have to unbutton your pants and rub your belly to hasten the digestion…? That’s goodness, baby…
Finally, A Positive Role Model for the Kids
Here’s a little inspiration for 70-year-old convicted felons everywhere. The “hardest workin’ man in show business” is getting the icon treatment in his hometown of Augusta, Georgia. The city has finalized plans to construct a statue in Brown’s honor, as well as renaming the city’s annual music festival after the Godfather of Soul, himself. These days, I’m guessin’ the only thing more swollen than his prostate is his rap sheet.
Let’s see: larceny, domestic abuse, PCP possession, assault…Hmm, the only crime that’s not accounted for is his cameo in Undercover Brother. “I’ve got an idea! Let’s make an unfunny flick about a super-spy who is decades out of his element! We’ll call it Black Austin Powers or something. Can we see if Corky Romano, Doogie Howser and the worst actress on planet earth are available for it?”
Can Her Ass Fit Into That Lawsuit?
I think Teddy Long would call this “haterization”. It appears my bed hoppin’ Butter Rican fantasy is being sued for copyright infringement. J. Lo’s video for the I’m Glad single has drawn the attention of Maureen Marder. She’s the dancer/welder that the movie Flashdance was based on. Of course, that was the movie that J. Lo’s video was based on and now Marder feels exploited and violated and all those other maudlin words that mean (in the voice of Chris Tucker from Friday) “Give me my mon-ey!”
Hey, speakin’ of Jennifer Lopez and the movies…do you think Julia Roberts knows that J. Lo is also “sampling” her movie career? Think about it: Maid in Manhattan was just Pretty Woman for families. Enough could’ve been called Sleeping With The Enemy…with really bad lighting. The Wedding Planner…My Best Friend’s Wedding…I could go on.
Sweet Liquor…Eases The Pain
Who says all country music singers are drunk, unwashed rednecks? Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker of The State Patrol, that’s who. He caught shovel-jawed pork chop, Wynonna Judd on a DUI last Thursday with a blood alcohol content of 0.175, which is .005 above “Meg Ryan in When A Man Loves A Woman” and just below “Nicolas Cage in the first five minutes of Leaving Las Vegas“. The arrest report states Judd had an odor of alcohol about her, watery eyes, dilated pupils, and she didn’t remember how many drinks she had consumed. Wow, throw in a few roofies and you’ve pretty much summed up every date I had in college. Nah, baby…your panties were on backwards when I got here. Gotta go.
What’s Mine is Mine and What’s Yours is Mine, Too!
Wanna know why nobody gives two squirts about the American Music Awards? This year, executive producer Dick Clark tabbed Jimmy Kimmel as host, apparently because the appearance fee for “the funny one” from The Man Show was more than a six-pack of Natural Light. And, oh what a night it was. Missy Elliot was late to claim her award for stealing Johnny Cash’s VMAs and sending him to his death, because someone stole her limo. Seriously. Witnesses claim that they heard the muffled sound of shattered glass and a disembodied voice that bellowed “Repo Man”, but so far…no leads.
You Not Lil’ Kim, You Fat Trick
Old Navy has become famous for their irreverent ad campaign featuring C-Level entertainers like Morgan Fairchild, Fran Drescher and that old white lady that died. Now, we can add Lil’ Kim to this year’s class picture. She’s apparently left behind the lucrative world of Gucci and Lane Bryant for the Gap’s bastard stepchild. Not surprisingly, she’s shilling the Old Navy line of hooded sweatshirts and winter wear. These days, she’s gotta do everything she can to cover up that spare tire and neck rolls. I know that Kim wants to bring back Biggie Smalls, but she’s only a couple of fruit pies away from becoming him.
This One’s For Daniels n’ Fernandez
Good news for fans of ghost-written bubblegum lyrics…TLC is dropping their Greatest Hits album next Tuesday. The first single is expected to be Come Get Some featuring Lil’ Jon. Now, I never had any problem with the gals of TLC. They were extremely limited in the areas of vocal range or originality, but they found a market and successfully exploited it.
My only beef with them is the legacy they left behind: burnin’ shit down. Alright, that was only Left Eye, but still…is it any wonder that after she torched Rison’s mansion, the NFL player’s wives section began lookin’ a lot more like the shelves of Barbie dolls at FAO Schwarz? Oh, and I don’t mean that new “ghetto Barbie” line called Flavaz. Now, Aquanetta and Maria have a plastic doll with an unrealistic body so they can hate themselves, too.
Did I Mention The Strip Clubs?
There are two huge misconceptions when it comes to Hollywood. The first is that it’s still a city of glitz and glamour. Hollywood is a dirty, piss-soaked little town wedged between three freeways and home to smog, strip clubs and a 7-11 on every block. The second is that the “Hollywood Walk of Fame” is actually a meaningful career accomplishment. Entertainers pay a fee/donation, the city displaces another bum from his cardboard box home and a gaudy star is laid down for Japanese tourists to pose with. Britney Spears is the latest recipient of this “honor” and her presence completely lessens the accomplishments of other “Stars” like Lassie, The Lone Ranger and Pee Wee Herman.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
The Sears Retail Giant has finally decided to target a market other than the eight-fingered shop teachers who like to build shelves, mow their lawns and beat their wives on the weekends. The store is launching 50 “urban” shops located in regions like Detroit, Los Angeles, Miami and New Jersey. OK…they’ve covered Blacks, Mexicans, Cubans and white girls with big hair who talk funny and listen to Springsteen. I know when I think “FUBU”, I think Natalie from Newark.
Personally, I believe Sears needs to focus on the clothing line that took them to the top in the first place. As a lonely little fat kid growing up in Long Beach, I looked forward to my new pair of “Toughskins” jeans (size 16 – husky) at the start of every school year. That’s what Sears needs to be pimping. I just hope they’ve fixed that friction problem that resulted from my chubby little legs rubbing together.
Nick’a Please…!
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Eminem vs. Benzino Round ??? (Is it a feud if no one cares?)
This feud has been about as one-sided as The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. Benzino STILL won’t go away? This latest attempt is truly pathetic. He’s “uncovered” a tape of a 15 year old Eminem rapping from 1988, in which he makes statements that he doesn’t like black women because they’re only after his money (Obviously this is an unheard of subject matter in hip-hop!) Eminem responded by saying he had just broken up with his girlfriend at the time, who was black, and that he was a stupid, angry kid. Why he even
responded is beyond me.
Imagine, this is how low Benzino has sunk. He supposedly found a tape Eminem made when he was 15. Anyone who’s above 15 years old out there, try and remember all the stupid tapes you made when you were a kid and realize this guy took the time to find one of those…and called a PRESS CONFERENCE on it!
What’s next? Is he going to expose Eminem for some ridiculous baseball card trades he pulled off with his black friends at the time? Can you see the articles? An outraged Benzino stated, “I mean he traded an 87 Willie McGee and 88 Will Clark for a Jose Canseco rookie, if that’s not taking advantage of people I don’t know what is!” Benzino also mentioned that Marshall Mathers once borrowed Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out
for “a really long time” before giving it back to one of his friends.
Amazingly, Benzino went on to say that this story should be treated the same way Kobe, Tyson, R Kelly, and OJ were treated. Making a rap tape on your boombox at 15 saying girls only want your money…on the same level as killing two people? Yeah, seems about even.
Benzino also announced he would be including a CD of the track in an upcoming issue of the Source. Now’s either he’s trying to make money off it or he needs something to stick in the magazine to hold all those “Subsrcibe to the Source for $10 a year” cards that always seem to be falling out of the unsold issues lying around on the rack.
If there’s anything that’s been offensive to fans of hip-hop of all colors, it’s Benzino’s wack CDs he’s somehow hypnotized or strong-armed record company executives into releasing over the past few years.
General Haberdashery
Everyone’s getting into the 411 Black act, including the tag team champs of 3THW. Think of me as the Michael Hayes to their Arn Anderson and Bobby Eaton.
Fernandez uses the subliminal route to get you psyched up for “Blood Runs Cold”. Whoops, wrong teaser campaign.
Smilo hints at darker days with a column almost entirely in black. Sure, it’s just an HTML screw-up, but why kill the vibe?
Cocozza should quit his damn job if the result is kick-ass columns like this one. He includes the lyrics to the hit single for the biggest sellin’ rap album ever. And did I mention the rapper is bla… OK, enough already.
Mathan discovers white guys, but he’ll be back in black in no time. Jeez, who’s writing my material this week?
Junk Mail
Last week’s Bootleg pulled in a good amount of feedback from y’all. As always, I thank you for that. However, the runaway winner for email of the year comes from Bigg Don out in New York…his response to my “black” Autobots rant:
As a fellow black man, I know how to recognize some of the other bruthas out there. There may not have been too many black Autobots, but there were a whole mess of ’em on the Decepticon side.
Devastator: Six transformers that will come together and jump you? C’mon, man. You know how we do.
Soundwave: A brutha that will get all five of his kids to fight you. I know of a few cats in Brooklyn that will do that.
I think Starscream may have been gay (just listen to how he says “Oh mighty Megatron…”) but other than that, I’m not sure. Anyway, your column is my new favorite here at 411 (with all due props going out to Hyatte and Eric S.) and if you’re ever out in New York, the first round’s on me.
Not much more I can add to this one. He’s right about Starscream…as far as I can tell, the only other gay Transformer was Bumblebee. C’mon…he spent an awful lotta time with that young boy, Spike, in the cartoon. Made him wear that yellow hardhat even after he quit construction to be an Autobot groupie. Hell, Bumblebee was a 1984 Volkswagen, for God’s sake. If that ain’t gay…
Elsewhere in the ol’ mailbag, it appears that m’man Salemi and his “Nick’a Please” contributions are a big hit with y’all:
I’m fairly new to “the goodness”, but I wanted to say how much I’ve enjoyed your work. Can I say that the whole Day with Nate Dogg rant was some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read? If I may offer up a request for a future Nick’a Please, I’d like to see his take on what would happen if Nate gave up the music game for another career? Perhaps, Nate Dogg, TV weatherman, Sportscenter anchor, real estate agent or preschool teacher?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a zillion times…my readers kick eight kinds of ass.
Pretend Football
The Bootleggers had one of them weeks where everyone stunk up the joint. Can anyone tell me when Marc Bulger turned into Marc Wilson? And when did Randy Moss turn into Randy Newman? And when did LaDanian Tomlinson turn into LaDanian…uh, um…Christ, I hate these ethnic names. I’m hoping that it was just a one-week bout of depression for Tomlinson…very likely brought on from years of being unable to find one of those license plate keychains in his name.
Coming Soon
The comprehensive Countdown to Resurrection series wraps up this week. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to participate with submissions, contributions and their own memories of Tupac Shakur. One of the most frequently asked questions is whether I plan to do something similar for “_________”. And, yes, I am planning on doing a few of these next year as events warrant. Y’all will be the first to know when it goes down.
In the meantime, go back and take a look at any parts of the 2Pac series you might’ve missed. And be on the lookout for the tenth and final installment where I get a chance explore The 7 Myths of Tupac Shakur. If you thought the comments out of the soon-to-be-posted 411 Roundtable were against the grain…(cue evil laugh).
Also, I’ll be using the next few days to catch up on the album reviews I’ve been neglecting. Look for my thoughts on The Black Album next week.
Life With Mrs. Bootleg
So you’re thinkin’ about getting your girl knocked up? Here’s what you’re in store for:
Last night, after nine hours of abuse from my two bosses and the old man two cubes down who thinks I want to hear about his favorite stapler or his missing paychecks…I stumbled home, weary and tired. All I wanted was a slice of pizza and a shot of Jack before I started the column and wept myself to sleep.
What were the first words outta the wife’s mouth when I came through the door? “Come feel the baby move!” So, there I stood…taunted by the sweet smell of chewy crust, oily cheeses and heavily cured pork products, while my right hand was sullied by the bloated happy trail of Mrs. Bootleg’s Buddha belly. And, much like the night Baby Bootleg was conceived…I felt nothing.
411 Black
We are just days away from the launch of the next level of evolution for The Mania. No, the site is not shutting down. No, I haven’t been fired. And, yes…I will be a part of this crazy new concept.
All of the subtle and not-so-subtle hints I’ve dropped over the last few weeks have been in reference to 411 Black, the newest section on our site. It’s basically a come-as-you-are (panties optional, ladies) freestyle of ideas, thoughts and commentary by many of the same 411 writers whom y’all hate with a passion…and me. In addition, you’ll get to know these writers as never before. Now, you’ll know: Michael Melchor…boxers, briefs or commando?
There’s really no way that I can cover everything that 411 Black will be, but trust me…it’s gonna be hotter than a Cleveland Steamer.
I hope to have my first piece up by our maiden voyage, which falls on Thanksgiving. So before you park your big ass in front of the tube to watch the 50 Cent float in the Macy’s Parade, make sure you hop online and see what all the fuss is about.
I’m off all next week. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
