Okay, there’s going to be a change in format starting next week. Tuesdays, you’ll find me here in Wrestling, and my columns will actually pretty much be about wrestling, which will very often boil down to Raw considering the paucity of actual news we get to report here, plus the Mailbag questions I get on wrestling. On Wednesdays, it’ll be all of the non-wrestling stuff, along with non-wrestling Mailbag, over at 411 Black. It provides a nice split, and keeps the integrity of the zones that we’ve been trying to estab…well, that other people have been trying to establish. One guy on the ultra-private, contributors-only Forum said that 411 Black would be like a whole zone full of Eric S columns, and who am I to disagree?
Okay, now that that announcement’s out of the way, I’ll answer the question that Hyatte didn’t yesterday. Matt Miller wins the Coke. There’s only been one Warrior, Hellwig. But, Joe Gomez wasn’t the Renegade. That was Rick Somebody-Or-Other, who committed suicide about a year and a half ago or so because he couldn’t get the fact that he had to play an Ultimate Warrior clone out of his mind. Renegade was one of Bisch’s brilliant ideas to try to repeat Hogan’s “magic” when he came over to WCW; in effect, it was a sucker play to make people believe that this was Warrior coming over to join up with Hogan and Savage. It came off a little better than the Shockmaster, but not much. That being said, Warrior WWF=Warrior WCW, but neither equals Renegade WCW, who was some poor shlub in Warrior makeup who was stuck in an untenable position by Bisch and ended up taking his life because of the trauma.
And who says I don’t know shit about wrestling?
Let’s get off this topic and on to something that stimulates me more than memories of 1995 WCW…
KOTOR IS OUT FOR PC
Get it. It suckered me in for eight hours on Saturday. Best console port I’ve ever played. But I didn’t expect anything less. Bravo to Bioware. Etcetera, etcetera.
Yeah, I’ll cross zones while I still have the opportunity.
GEORGIA ON MY MIND
Eduard Shevardnadze was always a hero in my mind. One of the key guys behind perestroika and ending the Cold War and all that. It’s a shame that, in the end, he turned out to be yet another one of those guys like Gorby who couldn’t see past the Soviet system and find other solutions. I was embarassed by the antics that took place around the presidential election in Georgia, and was legitimately surprised that Eddie would pull off something so blatant it would embarass a Chicago Machine ward boss. I’m just incredibly happy that the solution turned out to be peaceful, especially in a nation that has a long cultural tradition of blood feud and violence (no insult to any Georgians out there, but, hell, you gave the world Stalin and Beria, and that’s some heavy long-term karma payment just with those two).
So where are they going to go from here? It’s a poor country, you’ve got this chick in charge who looks like a guy until real elections can be held, and there’s oil involved and US servicemen on the ground. Not to mention the fact that Chechnya is right next door, and that’s pretty high on the list of Junta Anti-Terrorism Intervention Targets if Putin would give Dubbaya a whiff of acceptance. Please, for the sake of this ancient, oft-abused nation, let this transition be peaceful and a real demonstration to the world of the benefits of democracy.
FOR REPRESSION, THOUGH, YOU STILL CAN’T BEAT THE JUNTA
Last Friday, a spending bill was snuck through Congress with a little rider attached to it. In that rider, the FBI is essentially given the powers that the aborted Patriot Act II, Electric Boogaloo would have given them. These were the extended powers of subpeona without judges’ consent that caused people to freak out when the first draft of Patriot II was released. And they snuck it through as a rider on a routine spending bill. How sweet.
Now the FBI can get info about you from places it couldn’t before, like libraries and eBay, without having to go before a judge to get a warrant to obtain that info. And people still want to reelect Dubbaya and have another four years of John Ashcroft heading up our justice system? It’s just another head shake from me, I’m afraid. Mass stupidity and fear left the door open to erode civil liberties, and the Junta just roared through it. Those concentration camps for dissidents are looking more and more like reality to me every day. I’m sure that the rest of the people at work, Republican to the core, who know that I’m a Democrat, wouldn’t blink at turning me in. Well, maybe they won’t. I’m too useful to them right now. But I’m not going to depend on that lasting forever.
Remember, next year, vote for the Democrat of your choice.
Now, let’s turn a little to sports…
YOU WANT DRAMA? WE’VE GOT YOUR DRAMA RIGHT HERE!
So the Presidents’ Cup ended up turning itself into the most exciting event of the weekend, sports or otherwise. The US team charging back from three points down to tie it up, and then a sudden-death playoff. Between Tigger and Boring Ol’ Ernie, the two best players in the world. And both of them have to hit shit-your-pants-level impossible putts to keep the playoff going on the first two holes. And then darkness comes. And then Jack and Gary confer. And they decide to end this the gentlemanly way, in a tie with both teams sharing the Cup.
This, folks, is why I love golf, whether playing or watching. Now it’s on to the Silly Season events and I can keep my mind off it until Hawaii beckons the little white balls in January. The snow outside my windows tends to reinforce that view.
UP YOURS, OVERSEAS READERS
Well, at least one Chicago football team was available to me televisually this weekend. And, of course, they lost (unlike the Bears, who inexplicably won in Denver despite the fact that Kordell had to come into the game). However, there’s no denying that the Fire had one helluva season, coming within one game of winning the US soccer version of the Triple Crown. Congrats to them and congrats to the Valley Faggots for having the nerve to beat them.
To those overseas readers who are still wondering exactly what it’s going to take to convert the US to the True Football Religion, let me assure you of this: it’s the type of game that was played on Sunday that will eventually do it. Offense, offense, offense all the way from both sides, almost a Total Football-style of game from start to finish. Lots of scoring, lots of excitement, big-time player participation with Landon Donovan and DaMarcus Beasley both scoring and being major factors in the game. And now with Freddy Adu about to provide some LeBron-type voltage to MLS, the situation can only improve. We’ll get there yet, so have you no worry.
THE PIMP SECTION WILL STILL BE HERE NEXT WEEK, THOUGH
After last week’s debacle, Nute gets back on my good side by featuring a finisher from a wrestler that I like.
Cole handles a question about the York Foundation, which gives me a good excuse to go back into my memory bank and remember Terri Runnels when she had a little meat on her bones, didn’t have the permanent pre-cancerous tan, and was a pseudo-intellectual hottie. The only problem is that my penis has another dozen years of age on it since that time.
Any other wrestling news I want to discuss? Yeah.
NO, THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE A POWER TRIP, NO SIR…
From the Torch:
Steve Austin is expected to return to WWE TV soon, and is said to be very excited with the direction his character will go in. A major angle is planned for when Austin returns, one that WWE is confident will not make it seem as if they are blatantly disregarding the Survivor Series stipulation. Austin is very excited about what will happen to his character once he returns and even had a hand in coming up with his upcoming storyline creatively.
That’s a great example of saying absolutely nothing while implying some very important things. Austin is flexing his creative control muscles again in his latest attempt at self-aggrandizement. In other words, he’s still top dog and can dictate to “creative” exactly how his character returns and under what circumstances. I still say he comes back as a Royal Rumble entrant if he doesn’t go to Smackdown. That’ll set up whatever match he dictates to “creative” that he wants at WM. Oh, no, Austin doesn’t have any ego, he’s a good company man. Yeah, right.
And how appropriate is it going to be for that special tomorrow night? Along with Enterprise, it’s going to make up the perfect science fiction block for UPN.
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK
Again from the Torch:
Many in WWE are concerned with the very obvious face turn for John Cena. Eddy Guerrero lost a lot of his popularity when WWE did a similar turn with him.
Some feel that Cena’s turn should have been more gradual, ala Steve Austin and The Rock. Michael Hayes had pushed for this idea and an angle was shot to support this idea last week on Smackdown, but it ended up being edited out.
Now who was saying that they should make Cena a tweener? Oh, yeah, it was me. But, as we all know, they read me, and whatever gets printed in this column gets put into the “damn, don’t do it, or he’ll take credit for it” pile at Stamford. Now they’re worried they’re f*cking Cena over. Well, shit, guys, listen to me for a change. I promise I won’t take credit. God knows you’d have a lot less trouble if you did listen.
MORE TORCH BULLSHIT SINCE ASHISH HAD IT READILY AVAILABLE
The RAW/Smackdown differences have led to a very different locker room. On Smackdown, the wrestlers are said to be more close knit and often offer each other advice. On RAW, the wrestlers seem to stay to themselves and their cliques. On Smackdown, many wrestlers apparently feel pressure to use advice given to them by the main event guys, while on RAW the main event guys seem to not give advice to anyone. RAW guys also seem to have pride that their show is live, while Smackdown guys don’t like the idea that their matches could end up being edited or even removed from the show.
So, in other words, Raw is becoming more like WCW with each passing day, while Smackdown is getting an ECW vibe. Considering who the general managers are, that only seems appropriate, doesn’t it?
Aw, hell, on to Raw, I guess…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Victoria over Lita, Steel Cage Match (Victoria escapes courtesy of a slight application of Mattitude): Hmmm, the experiment here seemed to work. Nice use of the cage by both competitors, and Lita didn’t drag Victoria down very much. She even pulled out some of the old aerial moves that once made her a fan favorite. But it does take a special pair of women to pull off a steel cage match (not to mention the spectre of outside interference). Molly versus Trish? Probably wouldn’t work. Victoria versus Jazz? Now that would work nicely, and both of them would do some nice blade work to boot, if WWE wasn’t so pussy as to have women do a blade job. Personally, I’d like to see more women in steel cages. In matches, that is. And it’s looking like Hardy/Christian for Armageddon, like we all suspected. It’ll only be an echo of the tag matches, but at this point, with Edge still away from the ring for a while and Jeff drowning his career somewhere, an echo is all we can ask for.
Randy Orton over Sergeant Slaughter, Legend Killer Match (Pinfall, RKO): I knew it would be Slaughter the moment Bisch said that it was a Legend Killer match. That depressed me, and the results in the ring reinforced my premonitions. Now, if it had been Snuka, I would have been a little more impressed. If it had been Arn Anderson, I would have been in complete shock, and marked out to no end. However, that would have been impossible given present and past affiliations. It would have certainly been more interesting than seeing Remus’ chin in there, though. Let’s be happy for one thing, though: it wasn’t Steve Lombardi.
Buh Buh Ray Dudley and Garrison Cade over Matt Hardy and Christian, Strange Bedfellows Match (Pinfall, Cade pins Christian, Savage Elbow): Well, since Christian/Hardy was settled earlier in the night, we had to set up the tag titles match for Armageddon. This was a halfway-decent way to do it, despite the focus on Christian and Hardy during the match itself. I can live with Jindrak and Cade being tag champs for a while. Just get the damn belt off of the Dudleys, please.
Goldie over Trip, World Title Transition Match (DQ, Orton-ference? Kane-erference? Massive f*ckup by all concerned?): First of all, I can’t believe they let this thing run about twelve minutes before the f*ckup happened. The only person who carried Goldberg to a good extended match was Diamond Dallas Page, of all people, and he knew something about pacing. This was just a complete mess from start to finish, especially the finish. Of course, Trip couldn’t job three times to Goldie; that would have the entire IWC delving into columns about how Goldie’s won Vince’s approval despite the rumored skepticism, and no one wants that.* As for the Triple Threat at Armageddon, well, Trip just HAS to be in the f*cking title match again, which just about guarantees Goldie holds on to the strap until Royal Rumble. Well, better a Triple Threat than Kane getting buried just as his heat is hitting third gear.
* – Okay, the Torch got a jump on that. Consider this item from them:
Goldberg is said to becoming more of a “team player” backstage, a sharp contrast from how he was in WCW and his initial time in WWE. He is said to be fitting in much better with the rest of the guys. Much of the WWE locker room was upset when Goldberg signed, feeling he would be a locker room cancer.
As for the ending, the Ravin’ Cajun said it better than I could:
What in the living f*ck happened at the end of that title match? By my count, I figure this: Trips losing, Ric Flair goes for some kind of distraction and Mike Chioda f*cks up. Randy Orton, good little bitch that he is, goes in to attack Goldberg. Chioda sees this, has no choice but to call the match at that point , and the timekeeper rings the bell. You can see this with all the confusion and even in the replay. So, match over right? Same goal as before, just a little bit of a screw-up to get there. But is this enough? Oh, no. Trips still has to retain his heat, after all. Trips gets the Pedigree, and goes for the pin. Chioda GOES FOR THE COUNT and thus we have the entrance for Kane, the scenario that I’m guessing was supposed to happen in the first place. Now logically, who should Trips get upset with first? Orton and Flair, for causing the theoretical DQ? Chioda, for calling the match? Goldberg, for sucking all levels of ass? The Bitch of the Baskevilles, for being too rough in bed the night before? God, for blessing him with a tiny dick? No no, he gets upset with Bisch- the one man so far in this little fiasco who had nothing to do with the end of that match. Can you explain it, because I consider myself a reasonably intelligent man and I’m completely lost.
No, we were all lost, from the audience to Ross and Lawler to Chioda to the participants to Kevin Dunn to the Oracle at Delphi. That was just plain canine bestiality.
Mark Henry over Booker T, Street Fight (Pinfall, Greco-Roman garbage can shot): Booker in a garbage match with Mark Fucking Henry…oh, God, kill me now and end this pain.
Jim Ross over Novocaine Helms, His Pet Fat Fuck, and The Former Alexandra York, Capture the Midget Match: Just to be completist.
Big Sump Pump and Test over Rob Van Dam, Handicap Singapore Cane Match (Test pins Van Dam, cane shot): First of all, any non-ECWer being able to take out Van Dam in a Singapore Cane match, handicap or not, is a little unrealistic. But most important…oh, My Beautiful and Beloved. An asymmetric pink top and Daisy Dukes? Come home to Daddy, quickly. I’ll save you from that. It’s almost as horrifying as the reports that Mideon’s about to come back as a new character.
Trish Stratus over Jackie Gayda, Bra and Panties Match: Rico in a thong is karmic payback for Jackie’s nipple slip last week. There’s no other explanation. Unfortunately, there were no other nipples, despite the presence of a six-pack available with the two competitors and Garcia. Damn you, WWE.
If you count the whole midget mess, the main event makes nine matches on the night. That’s the most matches I’ve had to cover on one show since, hell, three-hour Nitros were still around. Let’s see more shows like this, WWE, okay?
Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho versus Ric Flair and Dave Batista, Bischoff’s Choice Match (Pinfall, Michaels pins Flair, chain superkicks): Bitch about the ending being contrived if you will. It was a wonderful contrivance. This is what being a veteran, and being able to trust other veterans in the ring, gets you. Flair has to be in perfect position after the Michaels superkick to be within a body length of Michaels. Michaels has to be in perfect position to receive Jericho’s superkick and be able to fall on Flair. Jericho has to have perfect timing to make it flow correctly and not make it appear contrived (despite the fact that it was). As someone who’s done a lot of acting, I can only admire the blocking. The match wasn’t shit to talk about, but the ending was definitely worth commenting on.
Angle Developments:
Spin The Wheel, Do A Chain Promo: Bischoff to Michaels to Batista? There have been weirder chain interruptions in an opening promo, but not too many. The only reason it worked as well as it did was that Bisch was on fire. Man, with no Austin around, the guy can cut loose doing what he does so well. And the buildup to the announcement of Michaels’ tag partner was perfect. Just goes to show that if they had been able to get Bisch at the time of the Invasion and let him and Heyman be the figureheads, history would have been so much different, and so much better.
Pretty light show for angles, I’ve got to admit. But, then again, with all those matches, I shouldn’t be surprised.
That’s it for me. I have to haul ass early to work today to get some projects initiated, so I’m getting little sleep as it is. I’ll see you tomorrow, where I’ll try to come up with something coherent after more long hours and more stress. Maybe I can have the truly cool Keggy cover for me at work. That should shut some people up good.
About Eric Szulczewski
