Welcome back to The Bootleg. So, I decide to take all of this week off from work in the hope that I could…well, I had nothing planned, but it still would’ve been nice to sit on my black ass for seven days in the hopes of catching the elusive “fat chick makeover” episodes of Jenny Jones.
Instead, I catch my second nasty cold in about four weeks and have spent the last few days keeping the good people at the Kleenex Corporation in bid’ness. On top of that, I awakened from my Nyquil stupor late Thursday night to find The Bootleg Kitchen devastated by vandals who left spilled gravy, turkey carcass, room temperature butter and the unwrapped remains of the rest of our dinner everywhere.
Of course, suspect #1 is my bulbous wife, but since there were a few scraps of meat left on our 12 pound bird, perhaps she’s innocent…Lord knows she wouldn’t leave any edible evidence behind.
A pair of guest writers brings this week’s Goodness to you. I received these two elongated rants and about a dozen shorter submissions, so I’ll save the best of those for the post-Christmas edition. If anything below isn’t up to the usual standard of crap that I pinch off each and every week, please send me some hate mail. I’ll throw it on the pile with all the feedback from my review of The Black Album.
Longtime readers know that Connecticut Nick has become a weekly staple with his Nick’a Please segment. Did you know that his even more talented brother is also a Friend of the Bootleg? And unlike Nick, John always slides…
I’ve been keeping up with the goodness, even if I haven’t written since the last time Method Man said his album was coming out. It’s getting better over time, more belly laughs for paragraph. Your vividly descriptive name calling of the artists you lampoon is what I look forward to the most. Calling Wynonna Judd a “shovel-jawed pork chop”? Jesus Christ I shouldn’t even CARE what Wynonna Judd is doing these days but now I won’t forget.
Holy shit, the Transformers and G.I. Joe content is golden. If they ever do a documentary on the importance of the Hasbro Heroes, you need to be involved. And don’t get on your high horse like Bill Simmons and refuse to be involved with a documentary of because you have philosophical differences. This is for the greater good, you obviously have a lot of knowledge on the subject, don’t deprive us.
Speaking of Simmons. I can’t believe he wouldn’t appear on that Curse of the Bambino movie because he “doesn’t believe there’s a curse”. He’s funny but is he big enough to turn down an invitation from HBO? He’s a hack Internet writer/commentator/whining Red Sox fan, not even a journalist. He just happens to know a lot about the Red Sox, so he had a chance to be on HBO. Working for the Jimmy Kimmel show does not give you
ANY bargaining power…
And thanks for bashing Kimmel, he’s horrible. His show is just an extended beer commercial but not as witty. Working for the Jimmy Kimmel Show has to be like playing for Lés Expos of the Talk Show League. You have very little talent to work with, you don’t know where you’ll be next year, and the only thing keeping the whole thing alive are people in high places who hope to profit off your mediocrity. Those people being the network suits who think Kimmel connects with that coveted 18-34 stupid white male demographic that should be lucrative for years to come. Let me tell you something about this demographic and how lucrative they may be:
They…
1) Still ask for gas money on trips over 15 minutes.
2) Still wear dirty white college team hats with wacky Mascot names (UC Santa Cruz “Slugs” or South Carolina “Cocks” for example) along with plaid shirts…and refuse to drink out of anything but plastic keg cups
3) Have soft “old money” first names like Blake, Hunter, Tyler, and Tucker
4) Quote beer commercials ad nauseum and they think they get funnier each time
5) Do bad impressions of “Office Space” quotes and have ruined that movie for me
6) Spend their days anxiously await the next Maxim with the “Girls of ‘The O.C.'” on the cover and the “How to Find the G-Spot” foldout map…(I guess we all do but these guys really, uh, forget it)
7) Make pilgrimages to Adam Sandler’s birthplace
8) Wasted $130K on a private college and now are “taking time off” (i.e. UNEMPLOYED and living with their parents)
9) Say “YEAH it is!” of “YEAH he does!” when they agree with you…
10) Consider Beastie Boys CDs, Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, The Low End Theory and Doggystyle to be quite a well rounded rap collection…except the Beastie Boys, Limp Bizkit, and Kid Rock aren’t rap…
11) Propel shitty jam band music like Grateful Dead, Phish, and Dave Matthews Band to the top of the charts…this is all merely background music that you don’t have to pay attention to while you are stoned and drunk, but it’s pretty damn annoying if you HATE IT like I do….
12) List Steve Stiffler as a role model, and speak of him as if he’s a real person
These are the people behind Jimmy Kimmel’s abomination of a show are counting on?
Now I fully expect emails from angry white guys that say I don’t understand their culture or “I heard you were white but now I have to question that…”
On another topic completely
I really can’t read the Source Magazine, anymore. It’s terrible, there are 98 pages of ads and the rest are shitty fawning interviews. Oh, embracing every harebrained conspiracy does not make an editorial section. At least XXL pokes fun at itself and rappers. For being published at a 3rd grade reading level, the Source takes itself awfully seriously.
Because of the Source we have to constantly hear about these old school clowns who never got a real job, like Crazy Legs. Why the hell does Crazy Legs still get publicity? Yeah, you know who I mean, the dude who break dances with the geriatric “Rock Steady Crew”. I mean, thanks for being there when it started pal, and it was great you were in Flashdance, but why do I still read about you?
This guy gets at least one article in the Source every year, and we gotta hear about how “B-boying” is a lost art of hip-hop along with graffiti…who cares? Oh yeah, I don’t know about the culture so I can’t speak on it…my bad. Fuck that! Culture? 25 dudes in the Bronx? Maybe the Yankees, but not the Rock Steady Crew. Break dancing was the hula-hoop of the 80s, get over it.
Baseball was derived from cricket, but no one gives a damn about cricket, so just cause you were there in the beginning doesn’t mean you should collect a check. Don’t say it’s disrespect. Break dancing is not something Maya Angelou is going to write a poem about, so why do I have to see this guy all the time?
Oh yeah, I can hear Maya now:
You B-Boy, you glorious glorious B-Boy,
you kick it with your Rock Steady Crew,
even early in the dawn, breaking on that cardboard wet with the morning dew
It’s not gonna happen!
Enough about this guy…I remember 2Pac saying he respected old school cats but worked to improve on their styles and move past them, not kiss their ass. Some of these old school relics are sad.
Next up is Michael Melchor. He’s your one-stop shop for Smackdown recaps and payday loans. True story: Koko B. Ware’s Piledriver was the requisite “last dance” at his high school prom.
What I am here to talk about is this year’s Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame inductees. Well, one in particular that I want to single out. And if you’re getting ready for a good, venomous rant, you’re in the wrong place because this induction makes me happier than George Michael parading nekkid through the streets of Key West during Fantasy Fest…
Taken from the press release from the Hall listing this year’s inductees:
“Prince – Self-produced since his debut at age 20, Prince is one of the most unpredictable as well as one of the most magnificently charismatic figures in the entire pop landscape. His fusion of rock, funk, soul, metal and punk has defied all stereotypes.”
Give me a big, fat, loud hell yeah!
Now, I’ll be up front and tell you that Prince is my favorite recording artist EVER. I know the man’s career upside-down, backwards, and inside out. I can tell you where and when he was born as well as where his birth name comes from – and that’s just for starters. Of course I’m all for Prince being inducted into the Hall – but not just as a fan.
Prince isn’t worthy of the Hall of Fame because I’m a fan of his. I’m a fan of Prince because he’s worthy of the Hall of Fame.
I know that looks a mite confusing, so I’ll explain. First, take a good look at the first phrase of the reasoning of his induction:
“Self-produced since his debut at age 20.” And bear in mind that that was for Warner
Bros. Records – not only a major label, but also one of the heavies. A corporate conglomerate that size letting a newcomer produce his own debut and taking the chance that he has no idea what he’s doing is unheard of. Name one artist today, or at any time, who has had that distinction. You think Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera or anyone else would have been trusted to produce their own debut at all, much less for a company like Warner Brothers?
But Prince got away with it. In fact, his debut – “For You” – was “produced, arranged, composed, and performed by Prince”. He did it all because he could, and Warner knew it. For the remainder of his time with Warner B (a nearly 20-year run), Prince was given carte blanche on all of his albums. They were done his way, by his rules, to his standards.
And while sales-wise there were some misses (most notably “Around The World In A Day” and “Chaos And Disorder”), they still broke the platinum mark.
Of course, all of this begs the question, “Why was Prince given that much freedom from jump?” The answer, simply, is that he knew what he was doing. The man can proficiently play just about any instrument under the sun with the exception of woodwinds and horns (the ever-talented Eric Leeds and Atlanta Bliss were happy to help on that end). He had learned enough about the boards to get the sounds he wanted out of his records. And he could write catchy, funky hits to take to the bank.
But, writing pop songs was only the beginning. Prince eats genres for breakfast and has redefined each one he’s come across (with the exception of rap, which many say he should stay away from and I’m inclined to agree).
Rock, funk, jazz, soul, and dance – he has a hit to fit within all of them (“Let’s Go Crazy”, “Controversy”, “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World”, “Cream”, and “Batdance”, respectively).
THAT is why Prince is widely considered a musical genius. The matters of his “name change” a decade ago, his numerous affairs, his eccentricities, fashion sense and small physical stature have caused a lot of gossip and more than a few snickers over the years. But take all that away and you’re left with a man that can write, sing, and play circles around the rest of the music world. The Rock And Roll Hal of Fame has recognized that
fact and has decided to induct Prince on his first year of eligibility.
I recognized that many years ago, and have been a huge fan of his since.
General Haberdashery
I may not care enough about y’all to show up for work today, but you can bet your ass that the rest of the Music staff will “represent”. Do the kids still say that?
Fernandez puts the ‘3T’ in 3THW. He debuts his Late Night Jukebox feature, which will include a guest appearance by me and my wife in a few short weeks. My wife? You bet’cha.
Vanderhost fills in the ‘HW’ for Smilo this week. Didn’t this guy used to have a column of his own? Oh well, this week he plays the Lord Steven Regal to Mr. Sunday’s Brian Pillman. Think about it.
Cocozza is only eight pounds away from Lil’ Kim’s current weight and he brings the noise with the hip hop anthem of 1993.
E.vocator’s V.iew I.s L.aw. It’s an EM Thanksgiving…think turkey stuffed with chestnut evil. And speaking of Utah eateries, my Ogden-born wife swears by the fries n’ shakes at Warren’s. I’ll take her word for it.
Junk Mail
I’ll bring back the mailbag next week…right now, I’m still trying to unclog my inbox from well thought out missives like this one, in response to the previously mentioned Jay-Z review:
Haha, just a guess, but you’re a white dude who dosen’t (sic) listen to much hip-hop….How close am I?
I defy any of the other 411 Music Writers to come up with a more ignorant piece of fan mail than that!
Pretend Football
Going into the Monday Night game, my Bootleggers were about 30 points behind Team Smilo. All I could hope for was a Tiki Barber explosion of 200 yards and four touchdowns. What I got was a whole lotta nuthin’ from Tiki and about two dozen in-game spots featuring Tiki and his jug-headed horsetooth twin Ronde. Unless these two someday turn into Sam & Stan Sweet, keep them off’a my TV screen.
Coming Soon
Check out the ghetto-acclaimed series on 2Pac if you haven’t done so. The tenth and final part should be up next week.
Plus, my first couple of pieces in our new 411 Black section will be up shortly, as well. If I can be serious for a minute…
Life With Mrs. Bootleg
Eh, we’ll give wifey a pass this week. That’s what baking a couple of sweet potato pies will do.
“Insult” me by calling me white. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
