411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 12.05.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. Am I the only one whose spent parts of the last three decades referring to Super Friends member Black Vulcan as Black Falcon? I guess I only have myself to blame, but it would be nice if they didn’t give all the great names to the bad guys. Think about it…who would you rather be, Man-At-Arms or Skeletor ? Wheeljack or Thundercracker? Mainframe or Dr. Mindbender?

I’m still tryin’ to recover from my second significant illness in the last six weeks. I thought I had killed the virus with a combination of illicit drugs and crates of Minute Maid back in October, but much like Pauly Shore movies from a decade ago…it keeps coming back…each time, more painful than the last. By my math, it’s only a matter of weeks before I suffer through the medical equivalent of Bio-Dome.

I’m currently hovering around In The Army Now, but the doctor is confident that I’ll be down to Class Act by next week. And yes, I know that Pauly only had a cameo in that Kid n’ Play vehicle, but that didn’t make it any less traumatic. Remember, this is the same flick that had Rhea Pearlman from Cheers playing a sex-starved high school teacher who was tryin’ to get Kid into bed with her. Brrrrr…

Only The Goodness can get that image out of your head…

Can I Get Fries With That…Hey, Aren’t You…?

2002 American Idol runner-up Justin Guarini has been dumped by his RCA Record label. The move was reportedly connected to the lukewarm sales of his self-titled debut album, which barely moved 100,000 units after its release last year. In response to his newly gained unemployment, “The Gay Beige” no-showed the Idol Christmas Special, which aired on Fox TV late last week. And weren’t we all waiting for that Justin n’ Clay duet in prime time? Instead, viewers were treated to two hours of that yuletide pear Kelly Clarkson and Ruben Studdard sweatin’ like Mike Rotundo. Nothin’ says “Christmas” better than chunky Texans and glistening forehead rolls.

MC Hefner

The Playboy Channel plans to premiere their first ever hip hop show on January 9th. Surprisingly, the shots of Fat Joe’s nekkid man-boobs will be kept to a minimum. Instead, this show will feature rappers at strip clubs, uncensored videos and “sex tip of the day” skits. Hmm…rappers portrayed as sex-starved horndogs…how refreshingly progressive. To tell you the truth, I haven’t picked up a Playboy since the heyday of Stacy Sanches. That was seven years ago and it’s obvious that hoochies just don’t age well. I think I’m gonna transfer my letter writing campaign to either Christina Santiago or Jodi Ann Paterson. I need one more celebrity screw before I die, as the Penny Marshall memories have begun to fade.

Could Jeff Jarrett Be Next?

A couple of weeks ago, we reported on Wynonna Judd’s drinking-and-oinking-and-driving case. Well, the country music world took it in the other nut this week, as 67-year-old Glen Campbell was charged with assault and DUI. “G-Money” blamed the arrest on a mixture of prescription drugs and a swallow of his famous bathtub whiskey. Personally, I’d be inclined to dismiss the old coot’s alibi, as a watery blend of barley, hops and hearsay however, there is actually evidence that alcohol can be your enemy.

Remember how Gordon Jump used a glass of sweet, sweet Jewish wine to soften the sexual defenses of Arnold and Dudley in that Diff’rent Strokes episode that I’ve referenced about 10 times this year alone? And who can forget the episode of Who’s The Boss where Tony and Angela are baking a cake one minute, then sharing a drunken and forbidden kiss the next? I loved that show.

She Must Really Need A Job Right Thurr

There has been a very disturbing trend in videos lately as established stars from the movies like Halle Berry and Nia Long have been making cameos on the MTV circuit. The worst is yet to come, however, as rapper Chingy is set to get busy with Keshia Knight Pulliam in his video for One Call Away. Don’t remember “Keesh”? Well, she’s better known as the mustachioed “Rudy” from her eight-year run on The Cosby Show. Around season number six, Rudy got a little too old and ugly for her role as the cute little Cosby girl, so she was essentially replaced by little light-skinned Raven-Symone. These days, Raven is being marketed as something of a Negro Olsen Twin, but she’s more along the lines of a caramel Dr. Evil, don’cha think?

Fight The Snooze Bar

Still can’t decide what to get your great-aunt Gladys for Christmas? Might I suggest The Legends of Flavor Flav Talking Alarm Clock? You’d better hurry, though. Only 500 limited-edition replicas of Public Enemy’s gold-toof mascot are available. It features Flav holding his trademark clock necklace with an alarm featuring his actual voice! I mean, who wouldn’t wanna start the day with Flav’s Hershey Special Dark ass tellin’ ya to “Get up, Get, Get Get Down…” and “Muthaf*ck him and John Wayne”. I am not making this up. The clock can be yours for just $85, which is coincidentally Flav’s current net worth.

Please Cancel This Show

Earlier this year, I reviewed the debut album for P. Diddy’s “Da Band”. After two seasons of MTV episodes that set the Black race back by about two or three…hundred years (think a teenaged Harriet Tubman and an Underground Railroad still under construction), I assumed we had seen the last of them. Not so. Puffy has announced that the kids will be back for a third season and this time the show will take place in Diddy’s own home. Is this supposed to make me care?

Now, if you really wanna get me to watch, why not take an existing MTV show and merge it with this one. Y’know, like when Shane McMahon’s Corporation and The Undertaker’s Ministry united to form…The Corporate Ministry. My first choice would be for Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey to join the cast. Of course, Nick would be mysteriously stabbed with an ice pick from one of Diddy’s posse, but his death would be worth it to hear Jessica say things like, “Ohmigod, Young City, can I touch your hair?”, “Why do so many of you people have names like Q’ueeleesha?” and “Nigga, is you trippin’?”

From Union City, Tennessee…Weighing 228 Pounds…

My old hometown of Los Scandalous will be the host of “Family Jamm” at The Great Western Forum on December 13. It will be a reunion of sorts for all the various hangers-on that Prince has employed over the years, including The Revolution, The Time, Apollonia and Sheila E. I’m keeping my fingers crossed in the hopes that Morris Day makes an appearance.

True fans know he came through with Koko B. Ware’s theme song The Bird back in the ’80s, easily one of the best old-school entrances ever. In fact, I’d place it a solid third behind The Road Warriors’ Iron Man and Ricky Steamboat’s original Sirius track. And since you asked, if I were to ever step into the squared circle, I couldn’t think a more appropriate anthem than Robert Tepper’s No Easy Way Out from the Rocky IV Soundtrack. There’s no shortcut home.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

I’ll be the first to admit that there are a lotta aspects of African-American pop culture that I can’t explain. Chris Rock’s film career and The Parkers are just two of ’em. So, maybe my white readers can help me with this Paris Hilton phenomenon. So she’s blonde, she’s leggy and she’s rich. Oh, and she’s been making the internet rounds with a naughty lil’ sex tape. I mean, seriously…what’s the allure?

And now, she wants to have a music career. She’s hooked up with JC Chasez (who is either with New Kids on the Block or Another Bad Creation) in the hopes that he can pen a few smash singles for her. Me thinks JC better hurry…I believe The Bible says that those who make side deals with Satan only have seven years to enjoy the ride before they disappear forever into hell. Wait, that wasn’t The Bible…that was Oh God! You Devil. Whatever happened to Ted Wass?

Nick’a Please…!

conceptualized by Nick Salemi

More on Paris

I know “reality TV” has become so awful most of us are actually tired of hearing people complain how bad it is. However, I just can’t stand idly by and watch these people think they’re creating interesting television.

Saw the “Simple Life” this week. Paris Hilton and Lionel Ritchie’s daughter go to live on a farm for like what, a week or two? IMAGINE the possibilities!

First off, let it be known that Paris Hilton got rich and famous the old fashioned way, simply by being born into it. No discernable talent or qualities that make her stand out. And let’s face it, if you saw her on the show, she’s not that hot. Maybe it’s taste or I’m just being bitter (never) but she’s really just thin and tan. Someone should interrupt her between doing lines in the bathroom and let her know that doesn’t automatically equal hotness.

This is a chick who was recently spotted in an actual snippet on the E! Network saying, “We’re hot. Not to be conceited or anything, but look at us, we’re hot.”

Ah yes, look at her, indeed. Anyone with internet access has been able to see some of her finer work in recent times. Watch out for karma biatch, it’ll bite ya in the ass when you’re not lookin!

Anyway, the show. Here are some highlight quotes; “Eww gross, I’m not doing that”, “I can’t be around dead animals” (while being asked to prepare some dead chickens).

Paris, why the sudden injection of disgust and morals? Plucking the feathers off of a dead chicken and boiling it isn’t half as offensive as some of your recent exploits. As a matter of fact, while preparing that chicken, she should probably boil off some of her own germs while down there in Razorback country.

Isn’t this “fish out of water” idea just getting a little bit old? It’s the same concept of every bad 80s comedy movie where they just throw some out-of-towner in New York and watch the wacky results (please see Crocodile Dundee, Short Circuit, Ok I’m stopping there).

I mean wasn’t the threshold broken once we had Hammer, Vince Neil, Emmanuel Lewis and Corey Feldman living together on a show? I think we all knew there was no coming back from that.

So Paris, we love you, girl and if any more home movies come out, maybe you’ll get that real movie script you’ve been waiting for. I’ve already got a title in mind, and even though it’s already been taken, I think it applies. It’s what people should to this talentless piece of shit.

Forget Paris.

General Haberdashery

Word on the street is that we’ll be having a year-end awards show at the 411 Mania Holiday Party this year. I’m sure I have no chance in the “Best Music News Guy” category, but in the shameless attempt to curry some favor with my fellow voters, I offer up the following links. As always, we begin with a little 3THW. Mmmmm, curry.

Fernandez was embiggened by a shot of Jack Daniels last week and provides a link to the infamous Paris Hilton video. Or does he?

Cocozza wants you to ask, “Can I try this on?” When you come out of the dressing room, make sure it’s on backwards like Kris Kross. He’ll get a kick out of that.

EM stuffs yer stockings with evil and leftover candy corn from Halloween.

Junk Mail

I’ve got an overflowing bag of crap for you this week. We’ll begin with the backlash for my review of The Black Album by Jay-Z. On the plus side, it garnered the most feedback for any review I’ve ever done. On the minus side…here’s a sampling:

Just read your review of The Black Album and I hope that would be your last review about rap albums. – Daniel L.

You must be a complete idiot. Do everyone a favor and never review another quality album again, because its all too obvious that you cant accept anything that doesn’t involve someone dissing their mom, killing their girlfriend, or complaining about mainstream media, only to show up on TRL week after week. – Joey T.

Well, as a true hip-hop fan of all different tastes I have to completely disagree with you here. The Black Album is Jay-Z’s best album to date. Every beat is crazy with excellent production and catchy hooks on others. – Jooelzs

I give your reviews a rating of 1.5…simply because your style does not evolve – every week, you give the same low ass ratings to mainstream artists. Anyways, I guess your reviews are good for what they are, with an occasional moment of excellence, but a good three or four steps behind “bad”. Maybe you should pull a Jay-Z and “fade to black.” Only difference is, nobody will remember you… – Samir N.

You must be smoking crack… – Disco Pauly

When did Scott Keith start writing rap reviews…? – James R.

Haha, just a guess, but you’re a white dude who dosen’t (sic) listen to much hip-hop…. – Waller

I just read your music reviews for the first time. Amazingly, I agree with pretty much every review you gave. I usually burn cd’s but I bought Jay-Z and Dmx albums because they claimed it to be their last. I hope not because that would be a sorry note to go out on for both of them. And you never really get the feeling of closure from either album also. – Travis A.

Thanks to Travis (and a few others) for coming to a brutha’s defense…and a special shout out to Samir who wrote the funniest critique I’ve ever received. Do I really write like that?

Last week, guest writer Salemi Version 2.0 went off on…well, everything. Longtime Friend of The Bootleg, Phil Watts wanted to respond:

Why must you refer to any 80’s Hip-Hop legends as GERIATRIC?! At least Crazy Legs and the Rock Steady Crew are still nimble on their feet for their ‘old age’…which is more than I can say for most pro wrestlers from that period…not to mention most rappers out here now!! Add the fact that the only dance moves that most rappers and their fans do nowadays range from standing around…and hopping up and down. There was once a time when guys would try to come up with new dances and steps to thrill the crowd with. Now, like Goodie Mob said, “They don’t dance no more”. Maybe that’s the way you like it, but to me, it’s one of the reasons why Hip-Hop is getting DULL AS HELL!!!

The week before, m’man Nick wrote a piece on the whole Eminem/Benzino beef. While it received some words of support…the flames are more fun to rehash here:

Aiight, AC…I’mma let you slide on this one since you didn’t write it, but tell your boy he’s f*ckin’ blind on this one. It wasn’t about black or white it was about eminem calling the girl a “nigger”. How come he didnt even mention that in his column? i did a search and checked your archives and its obvious that your boy knows rap, but he’s just wrong on this one. You might want to watch out for who you make friends to. People might think that you think like he does just cuz you guys write the same columon (sic)…

Here’s the best part…the author of that entire syntax error goes by the name of “Obsidian, The Resurrected God MC”. Holy Christ, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Next up, Marc Freeman gets all hot n’ bothered:

(Your boy) spent all that time defending the white rapper and f*cking up the black rapper so his opionon don’t mean shit. Why the f*ck would you even give this mutha f*cker space in the bootleg? All he does is make fun of the culture that I love with all my heart. This is the same conspricay shit that benzino talking about. it’s not that white people shouldn’t be allowed to rap, but they need to respect the fact that we built this, not them. This is OURS, NOT THEIRS!!!!!

Just one bit of advice…it really doesn’t help your cause when you misspell every other word. Now, push them stale-ass bean pies and month-old copies of The Final Call somewhere else, Marc X. This is the only 411 column open to all races and creeds…except for Gypsies and any culture where the women don’t shave their legs. Gross.

Pretend Football

It’s the final week of our regular season, as the 7-6 Bootleggers prepare for the playoffs. Hey, when every team in an eight-team league makes the playoffs, it makes gloating kinda hard. I picked up Mike Vick on a lark. I don’t expect any “Tecmo Bo” impersonation, but I’d settle for a little “Tecmo Jeff Hostetler”. When will video game makers learn that simpler is better? I’ll take Super Tecmo Bowl, RBI Baseball and NES Pro Wrestling over Madden, Triple Play and Smackdown: Hey, I’m Brock Lesnar, any day.

Coming Soon

Next week, I’ll be posting my exclusive review of the new Westside Connection album quaintly titled Terrorist Threats. In addition, I should have the final chapter to the 2Pac saga up and available. I’ve got a surprise in store for y’all with that, kids. As usual, hit up the previous parts, as the more hits I get make it less likely that Widro will fire me.

Life With Mrs. Bootleg

So you’re thinkin’ about getting your girl knocked up? Here’s what you’re in store for:

Just as I’m shuttin’ the computer down and tryin’ my best to escape from work before the boss asks me to come in this weekend (m’yeah), the wife calls with the evening’s dinner plans. “How ’bout IHOP? I’m craving waffles.” Waffles for dinner…what is she, six years old? I reluctantly agree and the two of us instantly became the best-dressed, youngest and richest pair in the entire establishment. Most of the other patrons looked like they needed their food chewed for them. The “early bird” crowd, I s’pose.

Anyways, the wife gets her waffle and, in her words, “it’s a little crisp”. Our server comes back around after a minute or so and Mrs. Bootleg voices her displeasure. Never mind that half the freakin’ waffle has been eaten at this point. And, I’m surprised the waiter could even understand her with all the syrup and butter she was spraying as she bitched.

She was presented with another waffle…had about three bites and pronounced herself “full”. The rest of the IHOP experience was spent watching the wife lift her shirt and rub her little beer gut near the spot where her belly button used to be.

Want compromising photos of Scott Keith at the 411 Staff Holiday Party? Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13

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