Hodgepodgeatorium 12.15.03

Now that Saddam is off the streets we can focus on really important issues that face the nation. But let me get this out of the way first.

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Now back to the column.

Schools are close to their annual Holiday Break. The malls are about to be flooded with unruly, obnoxious kids. Classrooms will soon be empty. Soon kids will be trotting out their new holiday gifts in homeroom. This can only mean one thing; the nation is weeks away from another school massacre.

While it is inevitable, I have a plan that could make it so that the next school shooting incident isn’t so severe. If schools altered their curriculum and rules just a tad these tragedies could be prevented.

My plan is to increase the number of guns currently at school children’s disposal. Self-defense with firearms would be taught in schools by instructors, experts, or in some states right wing survivalists. If a child can’t get a gun (from the local street corner or from their parents bedroom) the schools would provide them free of charge.

The children would be taught the fine points of gun safety, maintenance and shooting. For instance they would be taught how to shoot a weapon from out of an attacker’s hand, and how to shot a cigarette from a persons lips. They would learn the art of ricochets and reloading under (simulated) combat conditions.

Now this solution begs the question; would this actually prevent shootings? My answer is and enthusiastic “yes.” This is why it would; the next time a oft bullied loner on a rampage comes bursting through the door, the children would finally be able to protect themselves. Sue the unbalanced white male between the ages of 11 and 18 might be able to squeeze off a few shots, but after the he would quickly be put down by some star pupil.

Take this scenario into consideration. Meet Johnny. Johnny’s girlfriend, Bernadette, a sullen girl, just broke up with him. To make matters worse Sean Flynn and a boy named Sue have been picking on him incessantly. Johnny is going to school armed to the teeth, in an attempt to win his girls heart. As Johnny bursts through the doors of his high school screaming, “I was made to love her” Miss Gradenko pushes Dorthy Parker and Alice Childress into a room and locks the door behind her. Unfortunately Bernadette and Daria also planned to seek refuge in the room. Bernadette and Daria prepare to make their peace with their gods and then along comes Mary. Mary shouts “Hey, Johnny Park” and as he turns around she fires two shots to his head and saves the day. Doesn’t that sound like an excellent outcome?

Some school shootings are preceded by acts of patricide. I feel it is only right for me to provide the solution to that as well. The key is to not let your kids know where every gun is. Keep some guns secret. If your son shoots your spouse with the gun from under your bed, you simply return fire with the gun from your medicine cabinet. Sure your spouse may be dead, and you killed your own son. But lets face it half of all marriages end in divorce anyway. Hopefully you’ll be young enough to start a new family.

Now back to the curriculum. Some people may ask “Mathan, isn’t having a gun class in school dangerous?” My response is “yes but not more dangerous than driving a car or having sex, both of which are taught in nearly every high school.” Will there be shooting accidents? Yes but they won’t be anywhere near the number of car accidents. And there are no doubt people reading this who are “accidents” in the sexual realm.

Remember those kids from a few years back, Mitchell Johnson and Andrew Golden? The reason their assault on March 24th 1998 was so successful was because they knew how to shoot. Investigators found Johnson’s hunter-education card among his possessions. Children are pretty adept at learning.

Studies have shown that in states where citizens are allowed to carry concealed weapons, assault, rape, and murder rates all dropped, while for the same period national rates rose. Imagine how safe our schools would be if kids were allowed to protect themselves. After all isn’t that what the flag, that they pledge allegiance to every morning, stands for?