Welcome to The Extravaganzaâ€¦Tom Cocozza couldn’t be here this week and asked me to fill in for him. I thought about it for a minute, quickly realized that I haven’t been able to meet the deadlines for my own 411 material lately and fired off an email that said, “sure, I’ll do it”.
I’m hoping that thangs will start to calm down in a couple of weeks, as it’s been a hellacious ride lately. The wife and I bought a townhouse last month and moving day is this Saturday. Everyone’s been telling me that I shouldn’t expect much out of the wife, with her delicate condition and all, but I disagree. The extra weight combined with her proximity to the ground makes her the perfect beast of burdenâ€¦not unlike the Banthas of Tattooine.
Longtime Cocozza fans know and love Tom’s straightforward style with a minimum of parsley and other superfluous fluffery. I’ll do my best to keep that tradition alive this weekâ€¦at least until Friday when I can go back to being your purveyor of obscure references and fried cheese.
It’s Not Really A Crowd, More Like ‘Some People’
About a dozen people rallied outside a courthouse complex to show their support for singer Michael Jackson, who’s expected to be charged this week in a child molestation case.
His supporters included a preacher and several preschoolers who gathered in cold, windy weather Sunday to voice their opinions that Jackson already had been tried and convicted in the media and by the public.
“This is a travesty, a modern-day lynching,” said Veronica Anielski of Santa Maria, who brought her two young daughters to the rally. Her words echoed the angry response from the singer’s brother, Jermaine Jackson, to the allegations against Jackson.
Anielski was a co-organizer of the event with Tracee Reynaud; the two women distributed 1,000 fliers to encourage support for Jackson. Reynaud also is a former Jackson impersonator who spent more than a dozen years distributing gifts, many donated by Jackson, at children’s hospitals.
Just so you got thatâ€¦a “crowd” of 12 showed up to offer support, including a gaggle of 4-year-old ankle biters and a woman who used to be a Jackson impersonator. If someone could pinpoint the exact moment that Jackson went completely over the edge, I’d like to know.
First Sir Mo, Now Sir Mick
He’s 60, still singing, and now he’s Sir Mick. That pouting, posturing icon of rock rebelliousness Mick Jagger officially joined the British establishment upon accepting a knighthood Friday â€” and hardly anyone objected.
Rolling Stone Keith Richards was a rare dissenter as received the honor from Prince Charles at Buckingham Palace. Richards said Jagger’s accepting the title was a disgrace, a comment Jagger laughed off.
“I think he would probably like to get the same honor himself,” Jagger told reporters.
“It’s like being given an ice creamâ€¦ one gets one and they all want one. It’s nothing new. Keith likes to make a fuss.”
Now, I don’t wanna offend our contingent of English writers and readers, but does anyone over there really take this figurehead nonsense seriously? The real story is the potential payoff match between Jagger and Richards. It’s not like a precedent hasn’t been set, either. Two old n’ rickety white guys in a feud no one cares aboutâ€¦it’s like every WCW PPV Main Event from 1997 to 1999.
The ‘J’ Stands for ‘Just Married’
The Queen of Hip Hop Soul has taken a king.
Mary J. Blige and new hubby Kendu Isaacs married in a hush-hush ceremony on Sunday, December 7. The wedding took place before just 50 guests–none of them A-listers–at Blige’s home in Bergen County, New Jersey.
Despite Blige’s insistence that she wanted to keep her nuptials on the down-low, she initially announced her bridal plans in November during an appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Word had it that the couple was to tie the knot the day after Thanksgiving–but no one knew if the diva had actually done the deed till her camp began issuing confirmations this week.
Blige blurted out the big news herself during an appearance on The Tonight Show, telling Jay Leno, “I’m so happy, he’s a good man and he loves me.”
Blige credits Isaacs, a record producer, for helping her kick cocaine and alcohol addictions.
In a 2002 interview with Ebony, Blige called Isaacs her “soul mate,” and discussed their strong religious bond.
The nuptials feast was whipped up by Blige’s sister and mother, and included oxtail, barbecued chicken, crab red rice and salad, according to a People magazine report. The cake came from a favorite Yonkers, New York bakery.
Congrats to the happy couple. I tried like hell to get Mrs. Bootleg to agree to a similar pot luck for our wedding reception, but to no avail. And speaking of potlucks, is there anyone lazier than the guy who brings one of those raw vegetable platters with the ranch dressing for dippin’?
I mean, no one eats anything other than the carrots and maybe the celery, while the broccoli and cauliflower are left untouched. Then, there’s that moment that the dressing, left exposed at room temperature for three hours, takes on the scent of that gym shirt we mistakenly left in our P.E. lockers over Christmas break.
Natural Born Killaz
Attorneys for Phil Spector released a statement Saturday (December 13) saying there is evidence that his alleged victim, actress Lana Clarkson, killed herself. Los Angeles’ NBC TV affiliate has posted the news on their website, nbc4tvnews.com, saying the statement came after a judge released search warrants and other documents related to the case to an author who is writing a book on Clarkson’s death. One of the reports says Clarkson had gunshot residue on her hand, indicating she handled or shot a gun.
The 63-year-old famed producer is accused of killing Clarkson on February 3 after a night of nightclubbing. Spector has not made any public comments since pleading innocent, though over the summer in an interview with Esquire magazine, he indicated that believed Clarkson had killed herself.
A defense statement released Sunday (December 14) asserted that “the scientific evidence is … consistent with a self-inflicted wound.” However, the coroner ruled the death a homicide, and Spector was charged with murder following an eight-month investigation.
Help me out on this oneâ€¦how long did it take after OJ (allegedly) killed Ron & Nicole before it was OK to make jokes about it? I’m not sure, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet with this one.
Hey, Kurtâ€¦You Forgot Something
Courtney Love was due in court Thursday (December 11) for another pre-trial hearing on the drug charges against her, stemming from her overdose and arrest for possession on October 2. But exactly a week ago, according to MTV.com, the singer and actress was reportedly seen in two Los Angeles clubs–even as her lawyer revealed that she had taken up residence in a live-in rehab facility.
Eyewitnesses spotted Love at two separate nightspots in Los Feliz, near L.A.’s Silver Lake district. She went to Tangiers to reportedly see a hot new band called The Hard Place, who were recently compared to Nirvana in L.A. Weekly. Love was said to not be impressed.
At her second stop, the Derby, Love actually got onstage with an all-female unsigned band called Let’s Go Sailing and performed one of their songs, learning it on the spot. Singer Shana Levy said, “She was really approachable, really nice, really considerate. We were totally surprised.”
Although it was unclear whether Love had someone to watch over her on her club romp, she was seen leaving the club in a white van.
That same day, Love’s attorney, Ron Fischetti, told MTV that Love had checked into a live-in Malibu facility for detoxing.
“A live-in Malibu facility”â€¦wow. Hey, where do they send self-destructive drug addicts who aren’t rich and famous? Oh yeahâ€¦they become those fast-talking kids who try’n sell you magazine subscriptions as a means of keeping them off the streets. What am I going to do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
More Married Goodness
Have wedding bells rung for Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin of the British band Coldplay? The New York Post has stated that the couple has reportedly married in a private ceremony at a hotel suite outside Santa Barbara, California. No one else was present when the couple reportedly exchanged vows at the Santa Barbara register office on Friday (December 5), soon after getting their marriage license.
The newlyweds are in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, where they have rented villas for friends and family this week. Last week Paltrow’s publicist announced that the 31-year-old actress was pregnant with their first child.
Holy crapâ€¦me and the wife spent our honeymoon in Cabo San Lucas, too. And we’ve seen Shallow Hal like a million times on HBO. Eerie. Speaking of her movies, I don’t wanna scare the new bride or anything, but I hear that Chris Martin’s all-time favorite movie is Sevenâ€¦or at least the last five minutes of it.
My favorite part of Tom’s column is his weekly trip down memory lane. So, I thought I’d dust off one of my all time faves. Set the way-back machine for 1992â€¦and The Rebirth of Slick.
Cool Like Dat by Digable Planets
We like the breeze flow straight out of our lids
Them they got moved by these hard-rock Brooklyn kids
Us flow a rush when the DJ’s boomin classics
You dig the crew on the fattest hip hop records
He touch the kinks and sinks into the sounds
She frequents the fatter joints called undergrounds
Our funk zooms like you hit the Mary Jane
They flock to booms man boogie had to change
Who freaks the clips with mad amount percussion
Where kinky hair goes to unthought-of dimensions
Why’s it so fly cause hip hop kept some drama
When Butterfly rocked his light blue-suede Pumas
What by the cut we push it off the corner
How was the buzz entire hip hop era?
Was fresh and fat since they started sayin audi
Cause funks made fat from right beneath my hoodie
The puba of the styles like miles and shit
Like sixties funky worms with waves and perms
Just sendin chunky rhythms right down ya block
We be to rap what key be to lock
I’m cool like dat [x7]
I’m cool…I’m cool…
We be the chocolates taps on my raps
innovates at the sweeta cat naps
He at the funk club with the vibrate
Them they be crazy down with the ?five plate?
It can kick a plan then a crowd burst
Me I be diggin it with s bump verse
Us we be freakin til dawn blinks an eye
He gives the strangest smile so I say hi (wassup)
Who understood yeah understood the plan
Him heard a beat and put it to his hands
What I just flip let borders get loose
How to consume or they’ll be just like juice
If its the shit we’ll lift it off the plastic
The babes’ll go spastic
Hip hop gains a classic
Pimp playin shock it dont matter I’m fatter
Ax Butta how I zone (man Cleopatra Jones)
I’m chill like dat [x7]
I’m chill…I’m chill…
We get ya free cause the clips be fat boss
Them they’re the jams and commence to goin off
She sweats the beat and ask me cause she puffed it
Me I got crew kids seven and a crescent
Us cause a buzz when the nickel bags are dealt
Him thats my man with the asteroid belt
They catch a fizz from the Mr. Doodle-big
He rocks a tee from the Crooklyn non-pigs
The rebirth of slick like my gangsta stroll
The lyrics just like loot come in stacks and rolls
You used to find a bug in a box with fade
Now he boogies up your stage plaits twist or braids
I’m peace like dat [x7]
Check it out man I groove like dat
I’m smmoce like dat
I jive like dat
I roll like dat
Yeah I’m thick like dat
I stack like dat
I’m down like dat
I’m black like dat
Well yo I funk like dat
I’m fat like dat
I’m in like dat
Cause I swing like dat
We jazz like dat
We freak like dat
We zoom like dat
We out…we out…
Random Gimmick Segment
Finally, in the spirit of the season, I thought it would be nice to get some of my holiday shopping done early for a change. Of course, I couldn’t hit the malls without my list for the 411 Music staff, could I? If y’all promise not to ruin the surprise, I’ll share the list with you.
The Weekly News Guys
Jeff Modzelewski – A home playoff game for his beloved Browns, in which John Elway is not the opposing quarterback.
Daniels – A Gauntlet Match between him and the entire RIAA.
Tom Cocozza – One day without having to measure another man’s inseam.
EM – A hug.
Fernandez – Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: The Broadway Musical
Smilo – A complete rescinding of Michelle Branch’s restraining order against him.
Mathan – Bigger n’ better thangsâ€¦
Ari Berenstein – A family reunion. Name change, notwithstanding.
Matthew Michaels – One freakin’ day where you post nothing to the 411 Staff Forum. Wait, I guess that would be a gift for everyone else.
Ryan T. Murphy – A shirt.
Joe Posten – A lifespan for Ask 411 Music that runs longer than Action, Mohr Sports or anything else Jay Mohr has ever touched.
Eric Katz – A thriving independent scene that doesn’t generate a buzz, build a large fanbase, sell out to corporate mainstream music and get heavy rotation on MTVâ€¦like every other independent act.
Phil McCann – The Big Book of British Smiles.
Brian J. Blottie – A career change for Mr. Metal Up Yo’ Assâ€¦
Rhett Walker – Understanding.
It’s been fun, kids. I’ll see y’all on Friday with your usual batch of Goodness.