The Weekly Media Monitor 01.08.04: Oops, I Married My Friend!

Sing along with me, folks:

“I used to think
I had the answers to everything
But now I know
Life doesn’t always
Go my way, yeah…

Feels like I’m caught in the middle
That’s when I realize…

I’m not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I’m in between

(Verse 2)
I’m not a girl
There is no need to protect me
Its time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I’ve seen so much more than u know now
So tell me to shut my eyes

I’m not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I’m in between

I’m not a girl
But if u look at me closely
You will see it my eyes
This girl will always find
Her way

I’m not a girl
(I’m not a girl don’t tell me what to believe)
Not Yet a woman
(I’m just tryin to find the woman in me, yeah)
All I need is time (All I need)
A moment that is mine (That is mine)
While I’m in between

I’m not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time (is All I need)
A moment that is mine
While I’m in between

I’m not a girl
Not yet a woman”

Entertainment News: Louisiana Pop Tart Britney Spears Marries Childhood Friend Jason Alexander; Marriage Quickly Annulled

In the media:

Adam Goldman of The Associated Press broke the news of Britney Spears’ latest stroke of drunken idiocy:

LAS VEGAS — Pop star Britney Spears married a childhood friend from Louisiana in an early morning ceremony, but quickly arranged to have it annulled, a source close to the singer told The Associated Press on Sunday.

George Maloof Jr., owner and operator of the Palms Casino Hotel, confirmed that the 22-year-old Spears married Jason Allen Alexander of Kentwood, La., about 5:30 a.m. Saturday at a Las Vegas wedding chapel.

“`Nobody knew it was coming,” said Maloof, Spears’ good friend.

The two arranged an annulment Saturday afternoon in the presence of several people, including a Las Vegas lawyer, said a source close to Spears who spoke on condition of anonymity. The signed annulment will be official when the courts open Monday morning, the source said.

Calls to Spears’ representatives were not immediately returned.

Spears and Alexander journeyed by limousine to the Little White Wedding Chapel on the Strip after a stop at the Ghostbar, a club in the Palms Casino Hotel. The chapel staff told the couple they couldn’t get married without a license, so they were taken to the Clark County Marriage Bureau office in the downtown Las Vegas courthouse. They applied for and were granted the marriage license, then driven back to the chapel, where they were married.

The bride wore a baseball cap and torn jeans down the aisle and was escorted by a Palms limousine driver, the source told the AP.

Spears was still staying at the Palms on Sunday morning.

Spears released her fourth album “In the Zone” in November. It debuted at the top of the album charts. She begins a concert tour March 2 in San Diego.

Credit: Associated Press.

Chris’ Commentary:
One thing I cannot stand about Britney Spears is the fact that she constantly wavers back and forth between playing the innocent little southern girl by day and acting as the Diane Keaton character from the movie Looking For Mr. Goodbar by night. Britney has blatantly lied to the public time and time again to protect a squeaky clean image that gets dirtier and dirtier with every paparazzi photograph, and frankly, she deserves every bit of character criticism thrown her way.

Personally, I don’t care if Britney Spears f*cked a donkey with a strap-on during Mardi Gras, or how many times she bopped Fred Durst. In fact, this whole marriage story would have been much more interesting if she married former Seinfeld sidekick Jason Alexander rather than her childhood friend by the same moniker. (After all, doesn’t “Cos-tan-za” just get stuck in your head for days?)

My point is this. Britney Spears sucks as a performer because (like Hillary Duff) she doesn’t know how to flip the microphone on and sing live. She also sucks as a person because she lies about her virginity, allegedly cheats on boyfriends (at least on Justin Timberlake, but who can blame her for that?), and steals money from legions of fans made up of ignorant souls who shell out cash for her sub-par recordings.

While this type of behavior is looked upon as suitable for pro wrestling gimmicks, it’s not really a lifestyle fit for the innocent half-girl, half-woman that Britney Spears sells herself to be.

She’s plain half-witted if you ask me.


Sports: Pete Rose & Tug McGraw: Two Former Teammates Who Had Nothing Else In Common

In the media/Chris’ Commentary:

During today’s edition of the Mac & Sid radio show on New York’s WFAN 660, phone callers were jamming up the lines with two tenuously linked strands of thought: stories of remembrance about the late Tug McGraw, the former Met and Philly who coined “Ya Gotta Believe” in 1969 and won championships with both teams; and harsh criticisms of Pete Rose, the greatest player who has ever been banned from baseball. McGraw died of brain cancer on Monday, just about the same time that ABC released interview snippets featuring Rose’s admission that he did bet on Major League Baseball games.

One phone caller in particular really caught my attention by making a striking comparison between the two larger than life characters that happened to own identical 1980 Philadelphia Phillies World Series rings and share nothing else in common. The caller passionately noted that everything Tug McGraw stood for – standing up to the baseball bigwigs with screwball locker room antics, rallying his teammates in times of need, and loving the game of baseball first and foremost over everything else – is everything that Pete Rose does not stand for. He criticized Rose for lying for 14 years, for only caring about himself and his own financial needs, and for disrespecting the same game of baseball that McGraw lived for.

I turned down the radio after hearing this call, because I figured nothing else would top that phone call in terms of sheer emotion and sincerity. I never saw Tug McGraw play baseball, and I caught the tail end of Rose’s career in the 1980s.

Looking back today, I kind of wish I could have had some personal Tug McGraw moments in my heart, rather than some passing Pete Rose thoughts on my mind.


News: September 11 Scammer Gets Two Years In Prison for Failed $80,000 Scheme

In the media:

Laura Italiano of the New York Post reported the following story regarding this insensitive asshole:

A 9/11 scammer who snookered charities out of $80,000 was tossed in the slammer for at least two years yesterday.

Evelyn Wellens, 42, of Edgewater, N.J., has been in jail since November, when – hours before her conviction – a juror found a note in a Manhattan Supreme Court bathroom reading “Evelyn Wellens is innocent.” Court personnel found seven similar notes, leading Justice John Bradley to blame Wellens, excoriating her conduct as “unprecedented in my lengthy experience.”

Wellens was convicted with co-defendant and ex-boyfriend Matthew Weissman, 47, a lawyer.

Prosecutors said Weissman pretended he had to close his downtown office after the tragedy – a bogus sob story he used to wring $8,000 from the Red Cross and Safe Horizon.

He then gave Wellens, his employee, bogus documents she used to claim she too was out of work, bilking charities for $80,000.

Credit: The New York Post

Chris’ Commentary:

I know that this story isn’t as big or as worldly as some others, but at the same time it proves a monumental point about how low some people will go for a few bucks. To scam charities out of money designated for September 11 victims takes both a lot of guts and a lot of shamelessness. Also, when stories like this come out it proves that there are still those Americans out there who just don’t understand the magnitude of what happened on September 11. This was a blatantly real and painful attack that occurred on our soil just two and half years ago, and I am sick of people in this country dismissing this true catastrophe as a mere historical footnote. How anyone could try to make a few crooked bucks off of this is beyond my own realm of thinking, and I hope it’s beyond everyone else’s as well.

The bottom line is that these scammers deserve much more than two years of prison time; in fact, I think they should have to visit all of the people who the charities are legitimately trying to support, and apologize in person for their indiscretions. How does that sound, Ms. Wellens?


Chris’ Wild Card Commentary:

Top Ten Cancelled/Discontinued TV Shows that ABSOLUTELY NEED to be Released on DVD

10. Freaks & Geeks; 1999-2000. This show was provocative in the sense that the writing made you care about the characters, rather than just go along with the ride. One of many shows that was cancelled way too early in its run.

09. The Head; 1994. In the mid-1990s, MTV had a few animated series that were dark and twisted. In my opinion, The Head was the best of these odd, post-Beavis and Butt-head offerings, and I can’t find a collection of these episodes anywhere. My favorite character was the guy who had an axe in his skull.

08. Dream On; 1990-1996. This long-running HBO series followed the life of Martin Tupper (Brian Benben) using black and white clips of old TV shows lodged in Tupper’s mind since childhood. This was one of the best displays of nostalgic adult voyeurism in TV history.

07. The Tracey Ullman Show; 1987-1990. The show that spawned The Simpsons deserves so much more credit than that. Tracey Ullman is a comedic genius, and her cast and crew was just as quick-witted. The show also broke down homophobic doors long before Ellen came along, especially during the skits featuring the character Francesca, the girl (played by Ullman) raised by two gay fathers.

06. American High; 2000. This reality show looked at the goings-on in a non-fictional high school. I considered this show to be even more provocative than Freaks & Geeks because it provided true insight as to the pros and cons of today’s high school climate.

05. Undeclared; 2000-2001. This show was kind of like what would have happened to the Freaks & Geeks crew should they have entered college in the 21st Century. I appreciated this effort because it portrayed a more subtle and ordinary side to college life, rather than the usually stereotypical extremes offered up on the small and big screens.

04. You Can’t Do That On Television; 1979-1990. Whether you liked the slime, Blipp’s Arcade, Barth’ Burgers, or had a crush on one of the bevy of YCDTOTV characters, this remains the best, most eclectic show in Nickelodeon’s history. Screw Sponge Bob, give me Christine “Moose” McGlade any day of the week.

03. The State; 1994-1995. I know that MTV released a VHS tape highlighting several serviceable State clips, but now that DVD technology is here I want full seasons worth of skits and vignettes. If you’ve never seen an episode of this sketch comedy series, you’re missing out on one of the funniest experiences you can ever have.

02. Herman’s Head; 1991-1994. Literally and figuratively speaking, this is the most cerebral television show to reach the air. The series followed the life of nice guy Herman Brooks through the four distinct personalities that shared Herman’s brain: Angel (Sensitivity), Animal (Lust), Wimp (Anxiety), and Genius (Intellect). Hey, anything starring William Ragsdale is fine by me.

01. Seinfeld; 1990-1998. Simply put, how is this not out on DVD yet?


If you’re in the mood, feel free to drop me a line or two about this column or anything else in the world of current events and popular culture by emailing me at

That’s all for now PEACE.

-Chris Biscuiti

Chris Biscuiti is also a columnist for the 411mania wrestling zone and for moodspins.