Opinions, Etc. 01.07.04

TO MUCH BAD LANGUAGE.   But hay who am I to say it is bad that is just my opinion. I think I am a Bad man but others don’t.I have nothing against it. but when my 9 year old nephew reads your article. I would like to be about to talk with him on it.Just a thought.

– Some Guy Signing Himself “Mark Calaway”

Dear “Mark”:

Fuck you.  Fuck your nephew as well.  It’s my column.  And what the hell are you doing letting a nine-year-old read my column?  Or for that matter, a wrestling website?  Kayfabe should be like Santa Claus:  keep the pretense going until they’re ready to know the truth.

It’s below zero outside (Fahrenheit AND Celsius).  There’s a mess of white shit on the ground.  You know what that means?  Yep, Golf Season starts tomorrow.  Aloha, bitch!  So, what sick little tidbits from our world can I come up with?


Scotsman knows the value of therapeutic medication, just like I’ve been telling you for years.

Gamble has a new one up.  Although I thought it was established that Carol Brady was a widow.  Mike Brady was definitely a widower, though, that I remember clearly.  Well, Schwartz created the series, and he’d know better than I.

Baxley on anime.  Baxley on console gaming.  Me on “I don’t give a shit about either of the subjects, but Baxley’s too good of a writer not to pimp.”  Although I’m still confused as to who owns the trademark on Baldur’s Gate.  Isn’t that a Bioware property, which they licensed to their former partners-in-RPG Black Isle (sorta RIP) for the console messes?  Or did Interplay keep the rights to the name on their split from Bioware?  I don’t see Ray and the boys getting that divorce finalized without getting back the franchise name.  After all, part of the reason for “f*ck off and die” was missed milestone and royalty payments on BGII.

For that matter, I’ll stay in Games and pimp Badlissi and his latest.  Welcome to the wonderful world of Game-Destroying Bugs, folk of Consoleville.  Now come down and sit at your PC daddy’s knee and I’ll tell you about a little game called Ultima IX


Well, it must be just after Christmas.  All of the retards got computers for the holidays, and, naturally, they don’t know about Safe Computing yet.  So all of them have picked up various and sundry viruses, and my e-mail in box is getting flooded with deracinated and disinfected Klez-H packages.  Klez-H?  A virus that’s a year and a half old?  Well, Nimda’s that old, and it’s still going around.  People are still getting infected by Blaster.  It shouldn’t be a surprise, especially at this time of year.  Getting a new computer infected for the first time has now become a holiday tradition.  New computers at Christmas, new retards who open mails saying “Britney Nude!” or alleged warnings from the RIAA (a new scam which came to light late last week), new infections, and new idiots who don’t know any better than to use Lookout Depress for their mail client who put me into their address book for no real f*cking reason and thus I get mails.

Dear God, people, buy a goddamn anti-virus program.  If not, Trend Micro has an online scan.  No, I’m not linking to it.  Find it yourselves.  You got yourselves into this mess, you get yourselves out of it.  And no more free spyware advice from me either.  I’m sick and tired of helping all of you on these matters.  And get real e-mail programs while you’re thinking about it.  Shit, Pegasus and Thunderbird are free.


Naturally, I cannot approve of the Dubbaya Immigration Plan, just on the fact that it’s coming from Dubbaya.  However, there are more substantive reasons.  First of all, coming from Chicago, I’ve seen what illegal immigration has done to my city, a popular destination due to its large Hispanic community.  I’ve seen what it does to my industry as well.  Allowing immigrants who came into this country illegally to have what essentially amounts to blanket amnesty is absolutely ridiculous.

First of all, let’s talk about money.  I’m in favor of social support programs (I’d better be, or else I’ll be drummed out of the Ultra-Secret Liberal World Order that Monroe thinks is trying to take over the country; hint:  we are, and you’re already on the Up Against The Wall List, buddy).  I’m not in favor of social support programs if the supportees aren’t following the rules, which means that in order to get, you must also be prepared to give.  That means citizenship or permanent residency and all it entails, including paying taxes so that someone gets to benefit later on.  If you’re here without following the rules on getting here, you have no rights to social benefits.

By the way, there’s a language which may not be official but is considered to be the common language of this country.  It’s called English.  Start learning it.  There’s nothing more that annoys the hell out of me than immigrants not pursuing ESL or five-year-olds who enter school not knowing a word of English.  If you can’t pass a driver’s test in English, then go f*ck yourselves and use public transportation.  I shouldn’t have to have my tax dollars paying for driver’s tests in a language that I don’t know.

Actually, there’s only one real large group of immigrants I have trouble with.  That’s Mexicans.  We have a lot of Poles over in Chicago, but, hell, I’m one of them (albeit five generations more removed from the Motherland), so I can’t complain about them too much.  Central American and Cuban Hispanics are cool; they’re hard-working and really want to fit in.  But Mexicans?  I’ve said this before:  they’re generally arrogant, think that they’re doing us a favor by working here, and refuse to assimilate or, for that matter, to trust an anglo on his word about anything.  If an order comes from an anglo superior, it’s a guarantee it’ll be ignored.  They’re also masters at the “No Habla Ingles” method of turning disobedience into simple uncomprehension.  When you’re dealing with issues of food safety, where one slip can mean trouble, this causes problems.  But it’s something I have to deal with, not the management who hires these people because they work dirt cheap (and look the other way when asking for credentials).

They’re also moving into the neighborhood I grew up in and lowering the property values.  Since my future financial well-being depends on the value of the house I grew up in, this is hurting my plans greatly.  Of course, the same complaints were also made about African-Americans forty years ago.  The thing is that African-Americans know how to maintain a property.

God knows I’ve tried.  I’ve translated documents and instructions into Spanish at work so that I could finesse around the uncomprehension issue.  Naturally, I used my computer to do it (using a standalone version of Systran, the engine behind Babelfish) since I was planning for the future and took German in high school (to be able to read certain scientific documents in the original, not knowing I’d end up living there for a time).  What did they do?  Thank me for making the effort to be more fully comprehensible?  No.  They bitched because it was “book Spanish” and not dialect.  Well, f*ck, if they don’t know the formal form of their own language, that’s their problem.  It wasn’t like I was doing the documents in Old Catalonian or something.

I’ve gone over this point a number of times in this column, so I’ll just give the short version:  if you don’t want to participate in American society or assimilate into its culture (and add the biological and technological distinctiveness of your culture to its own), get the f*ck out.  And I’ll help you.


Well, after that bit of trolling offensiveness on my part, shall we see if anyone’s doing the same to me?

Actually, if someone was, there’s be a YAM included in here, so I guess the answer is no.

Regular HBK826 gets the God Slot this week:

Any chance of you debating arguing with Flea about the WWE’s troubles?  Be a hell of a lot more interesting than him doing that with Keith.  And while you’re at it, why not a political debate for the Black Column?

I’ve done informal debates with Fleabag about the state of the WWE, but he definitely has some personal involvement in their problems, being a stockholder in the company, and I don’t.  We’d be going from two different perspectives.  He’d be going from what’s best for the health of the company, I’d be coming from the direction of what’s best from a creative standpoint, and that’s not necessarily the same thing.  We’d end up talking past each other.  As I’ve said, we’ve had discussions with each other about this, and we understand where the other stands and what perspective is being taken.  There’s no real need to do it in print.

The political content will start taking a more prominent place in the column after New Hampshire, so you only have to wait a few weeks for that.

Actually, I’ll let the Ravin’ Cajun start off some political stuff:

What possible leap of logic could someone have had to create a 30 second political tv spot featuring Adolf Hitler in a direct comparison to Dubbaya? God knows the man has never really endeared himself to the left, but did the creator of this spot really think it would endear their cause to others?  Never mind the Republicans – anyone with good sense would see that this was a bad idea from the get-go. Moreover, when did Hitler become acceptable as a political tool? I thought that his “charisma” only served as useful to hate groups and Marge Schott.

I wouldn’t have compared him to Hitler, actually (you may pause to take in that surprise).  Ashcroft compared to Himmler, yes, but not Dubbaya to Hitler.  I think it’s a definite tactical error, not to mention an extension of Godwin’s Law.  You want something more effective, take parts of the Patriot Act and compare it to the early Nazi laws, to which they bear a resemblance.  But don’t bring up the image of Hitler.  As for Hitler being acceptable as a political tool, I’d say that took place in 1964, when LBJ’s campaign pushed all the envelopes with the “Daisies” ad.  The conclusion that “anything goes” was certainly reinforced in 2000, when Dubbaya’s psychos did that smear job on McCain in South Carolina.

As for Hitler’s charisma, it was undeniable, really.  He was able to get the Nazis into a position in a democratic government where he was able to convince Hindenburg to make him chancellor, and that required popular appeal.  The message not only has to be resounding, but the messenger has to have some sort of appeal.  The Republican I would compare Hitler to in this regard is Ronald Reagan, who had a message to appeal to the moronic among the populace and had the charisma to sell it to them.  I, of course, being intelligent and resistant to surface charisma, did not fall for it.  I couldn’t vote against him in 1980 due to the fact that they don’t let sixteen-year-olds vote (well, sixteen later that month), but I’m still proud to say that I voted for Mondale in 1984.

TheWeeezul has put me in the position of defending Ashish, an always tricky proposition.  So here goes:

Ashish, a guy you’ve repeatedly ridiculed for copying & pasting anything Scherer or Keller deem “newsworthy,” has once again proven his ability to be as inept as a child.

The movies section has a news item about “The Producers”, with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, set to be a “new movie” on the big screen.  Not only that, but Hashish actually points out that the movie will be BASED ON THE BROADWAY PLAY!

There’s stupid, there’s dumber than dirt, and then there are reasons to approve 40th trimester abortions.  I believe I know where the late Mr. Mostel would categorize such reporting.

Okay, first of all, let me post Ashish’s blurb, which he picked up from the BBC, just so we know what we’re talking about here:

A new movie based on the current Broadway hit, The Producers, is in the works. The stars of the show, Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, are set to star in the film.

Universal has the distribution rights and plans to film the movie in early 2005 for a late 2005 release.

Now, as to the little problem of inspiration, logic, and timelines…

Personally, I think this is news.  First of all, the 2005 film will not be a remake of the 1968 film.  What Mel Brooks did when he created the book for the Broadway musical is that he ended up adapting his own work and making alterations to the original.  Take “Springtime For Hitler” as an example.  It’s a three-minute or so sequence in the original film.  In the musical, it’s a ten-minute extended production number.  The Broadway musical and first film are significantly different enough, in fact, to say that the 2005 film will be a “new” movie.  It’ll just be a movie based on a Broadway musical which was based on a movie.

As for Ashish’s C&P, I’ll let that stand in general principles, because this is news.  The fault here lies with the fact that he didn’t bother mentioning that The Producers is originally based on a movie; neither did the BBC, though.  That’s the danger of blind C&P jobs, and it’s something that I’ve bitched about with him in the past (especially in regard to wrestling show ratings).  Yes, a little more discrimination needs to be taken instead of simply doing C&Ps without editing.  But it’s not a major sin per se, unless I decide it is.

Lotsa positive chiming in for my Mad Cow column over at Fleabag’s.  Big Daddy his own self asks a question on behalf of friends:  what is the definition of “processed meat”, since his friend had heard from an idiot TV commentator to stay away from processed meat because it might contain CNS tissue?  This also touches a question asked by Dnommahb:  Is there any danger from eating ground beef and “sort of” meats like hot dogs, lunch meat, pepperoni, sausage?

Technically, processed meat is any meat that has had things done to it, mechanical or otherwise, to remove it from the carcass it came from.  In other words, by turning a cow into a steak, the meat is processed.  There are a number of different levels and styles of processing, of course.  “Simple processing” is just taking the meat off of the carcass and packaging it, or separating the carcass into smaller pieces (this includes deboning).  “Complex processing” is mixing non-meat ingredients into meat, cooking it, grinding it, any combination of those, etc.  “Comminution” is essentially putting the meat into the moral equivalent of a blender and creating things like sausages out of the resulting product.  The paranoia comes in complex product and comminuted product, since the ingredients are not necessarily apparent at first glance.  However, there are regulations to prevent inedible products like brains and spines from being included in there, and those regulations are enforced.  I wouldn’t be scared to eat anything like that.  And the stuff that goes into hot dogs and other comminuted products don’t really include too much “bad stuff” to begin with.  It’s usually the cheaper and tougher cuts moreso than lips (assholes are usually removed during the evisceration process, by the way).  So it’s safe to eat that stuff.  You’re thousands of times more likely to die from bad cooking than from BSE.

Chris Vining says this:

Thanks for your column about Mad Cow Disease. As soon as the story made the news I knew the wrestling fans of the world could turn to you to figure out what this mean in plain English. I am off to go eat some yak brain, so I will talk to you later. Thanks and great work on all your columns.

Hmmmm, yak brains…according to my handy-dandy prion chart, yaks aren’t explicitly mentioned.  However, there is a form of prion-related disease called Exotic Ungulate Encephalopathy, and yaks might be a prime contender as a possible carrier.  So, you’re clear for now, but tell us if your brain starts to develop holes, okay?

Ostermeyer chimed in and reminded me of kuru, the “laughing death” syndrome suffered by tribes in New Guinea.  I believe that the origins of kuru also lie in monkey brain eating, which passed the disease to humans, and given the cannibalistic nature of some of those tribes, became a human-to-human disease vis-a-vis brain eating.

That’s disgusting, so let’s move off of it…

To close out, let me answer a question posed by Dave K:  why don’t I approve of affirmative action, and what do I propose to replace it with, if anything?  I don’t approve of affirmative action because I’m a very merit-oriented kind of guy.  Your accomplishments should provide your place in society, whether they be positive or negative.  I also believe that John Locke through Thomas Jefferson is correct in that all men are created equal, and that there is a basic set of criteria that can be used to judge them after that creation.  Some people are provided with insufficient means to lift themselves up to a level equal to that of the more fortunate; I would be kidding myself not to recognize that.  However, the better among those people can overcome those difficulties and make their merit stand out among their peers without assistance from a governmental body.  The fact that affirmative action has been interpreted as quotas rankles me to no end.  It’s the typical “road to hell paved with good intentions”.  In a society where merit is the primary judging factor, there’s no room for saying that X percent of something has to be reserved because of previous societal conditions that aren’t necessarily true today.  The clincher for me is Dr. King’s famous speech.  “I have a dream that someday my children will be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”  The first step in doing so is to make content of character the primary focus of judgment on a person, and affirmative action doesn’t do that.

That’s kind of the short explanation.  Of course, I’m part of the power structure of white males, so what do I know about discrimination, right?  Tell that to the people who would discriminate against me because of my ethnic background or the fact that I grew up Catholic.

That’s it for this week.  I’ll be watching the Mercedes and the NFL playoffs (Go Eagles).  You watch whatever you damn well want to.