WWE New Year’s Revolution

Opening promo welcomes us to the white beaches of Puerto Rico, where the Elimination Chamber looms ominously.

PYRO EXPLODES because we are LIVE from San Juan, Puerto Rico, home of the Montreal Expos! Talking heads JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER hype our main event before welcoming HUGO SAVINOVICH and CARLOS CABRERA.

CHRISTIAN and TYSON TOMKO vs. WILLIAM REGAL and EUGENESTER (for the world tag-team titles)

Christian’s decided to start showing off a flashier version of the jumpsuit AJ Styles sports. Eugene is dressed as his hero Hulk Hogan tonight. Regal and Christian start with some chain wrestling, which Regal wins with ease as you might imagine. They fight to the corner where Christian starts driving in his shoulders to Regal’s midsection. Regal tags out to Eugene, who promptly gives Christian a wedgie. Jim Ross howls at the hilarity of disabled folk, and Christian puts on a headlock. Eugene escapes, and does the JYD Piss On Your Face. Christian tags in Tomko, but Eugene’s not around, slapping hands with the fans instead. Tomko follows, so Eugene slips under the ring. Tomko and Christian opt to wait – eyeing the other side of the ring, but Eugene pops back up from the side he went under, sneaks in, and rolls Christian up for 2! Christian takes an airplane spin, which is followed by Eugene riding him like a horse, but Tomko’s had enough and chokeslams him! A running powerslam gets 2. Christian tags in and starts slapping Eugene around, but Eugene’s got the power of the Hulkster and starts having a seizure. Eugene POINTS A FINGER! Oh my! That’s followed by a backdrop, and Regal gets the hot tag to no pop. Regal dropkicks Tomko and pulls in Christian. Tomko quickly clotheslines the snot out of Regal, and drops an elbow for 2. Christian and Tomko double team Regal in the corner, and a right hand from Christian busts Regal open hardway from the nose and mouth. Christian works the chinlock. Tomko gets in a cheap shot to Regal’s busted nose, and then chokes him out in the corner. Regal fights back with a series of high knees, but Tomko shoves him into Christian – and jumps back on. Regal tries to get in a tag for Eugene, but Christian yanks him off the apron. Regal goes for the tag, but Eugene’s not around. The challengers pound on Regal in the heel corner, but Tomko accidentally bumps heads with Sir Willy, and they’re both out. Regal crawls towards the wrong corner due to the dizziness, and an avalanche takes him down. Tomko drops a knee across the face, goes for a second avalanche, but Regal sidesteps and tags in Eugene! Eugene hits a series of punches, and runs over Tomko with a clothesline before putting him down with a dropkick. On the dropkick though, Eugene hits badly, and comes up in some nasty pain! Christian delivers a flatliner to Eugene while he keeps clutches him knee. Eugene still musters up the strength to roll up Tomko while Christian works over Regal outside the ring, and the champs retain at 12:21! *3/4 Eugene continues to hold his knee while A BUNCH OF REFEREES check in on him.

Earlier today, CHRISTY HEMME was a part of some “very interesting activities” at poolside.

In the back, TYSON TOMKO and CHRISTIAN walk furiously through the back, and bump into EDGE. Edge says he’s got a great idea, but Christian reminds Edge that the last time he had a great idea, he got his ass kicked. Christian: “Well it’s payback time now! TOMKO – KICK HIS ASS!” Edge stops him short, and tells him that he’s going to blow his chance to become World Champion. They take a walk…

TRISH STRATUS vs. LITA (for the WWE women’s title)

JR: “I pray to the lord she doesn’t try anymore suicide dives to the outside.” Lawler starts discussing Lita’s foolishness in the past, and suggests she cease. Trish forces Lita to the corner, and the ref forces a break. Lita dives onto Trish, but Trish gets to the ropes quickly. Fans: “WE WANT PUPPIES!” Trish heads out, and Lita dives off the apron with a Thesz Press…and blows out her knee, just like Eugene one match earlier. Lita’s rolled in, Trish goes for the pin and gets 2. Lita continues to hold the knee while Trish hammers away. Lita can’t even stand, so Trish kicks her down as the fans start to boo the lousy wrestling. Trish applies an anklelock, then rolls her up for 2. Lita finally gets to her feet, but collapses immediately and continues holding her knee. The fans continue to boo as they stall. Lita tries a DDT, but Trish shoves her off, gives her a big kick, and mercifully ends it at 3:47 to claim her belt back. DUD Once again, A BUNCH OF REFEREES hit the ring to help Lita to the back. Kudos to Lita for trying.

To the back we go, where CHRIS JERICHO paces his locker room.

MARIA was at poolside earlier drinking drinks. Yes, this is shown.

EDGE and ERIC BISCHOFF are in a hard negotiating session. Edge wants out of the Elimination Chamber match because he doesn’t trust Shawn Michaels. “He’s gonna screw me as soon as he gets the chance.” Edge figures there’s no reason he should walk through hell when he has no chance. Besides, CHRISTIAN is more than willing to take his place. Christian: “Come on, you have to do this Eric, this is a great idea!” Edge figures he’d then get the first shot at the belt tomorrow on RAW. Edge gets DENIED, so he storms out and bumps right into…SHAWN MICHAELS! Michaels promises to call the match right down the middle, unless someone provokes the referee physically. Michaels then adds if the opportunity arises, he’ll enjoy counting out Edge.

SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. MAVEN (for the WWE intercontinental title)

JR lets us know that Eugene’s got a dislocated patella. Maven makes FACES and draws a little heat. How ’bout that. He opts to stall to go mouth off at the crowd, and now the fans REALLY sound off at him for god knows what reason. Guys, relax, it’s MAVEN for Christ sakes. Maven has some words. “Don’t start counting yet, I’ve got something to say to each and every one of you!!! I don’t know what you’re saying, I don’t know what you’re saying! Keep him up there! I’ll deal with you in a minute! I am not quite sure how many of yall speak English. So, so I’m gonna talk real slow. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING! You see, you see, in order for me to become the new Intercontinental champion I need to concentrate. And I can’t concentrate while each and every one of you is talking all this jibberish. So if you all could please do me one favor, do me one favor… Would you tell all your friends to shut up? Do me one favor: (Insert something in Spanish, probably offensive.)” Maven then challenges Shelton in the United States only and walks off.

Right before the referee hits a 10 count, Maven changes his mind, re-enters the ring, and gets rolled up immediately for the Shelton win at 6:08! HAH! Now that’s funny stuff! Maven immediately calls Benjamin back to the ring. “That didn’t count! I want a re-match! Not tomorrow, not next week, right now.” Shelton wants to know why? “Oh sure, you can beat me when it doesn’t count, and then you take off. I know we’ve got one woman’s champ, and now we’ve got 2.”

Shelton re-enters, gives Maven an exploder, and finishes him immediately at 8:26! DUD Yes, that might be one of the most counter-productive segments towards a Maven push ever…but since I’m no fan of Maven, that makes this THE GREATEST SEGMENT EVER!

CHRIS BENOIT does pushups. Then he runs on the spot! WOW!

TODD GRISHAM stands with KHOSROW DAVARI and MUHAMMED HASSAN. Hassan starts off by claiming that the footage of last Monday is biased, since it failed to show Lawler calling them names and JR telling them to leave their own country. At first, Hassan was excited to be in Puerto Rico since they’re second class citizens like Arabs, however just like Americans they searched their bags and detained them for 3 hours. So tonight starts the revolution of Hassan.

MUHAMMED HASSAN (with Khosrow Davari) vs. JERRY LAWLER (with Jim Ross)

The boys leave the commentary booth, and replacing them is…no one. Well, this outta be interesting. Hassan slams Lawler right off the bat, and Davari gives him the thumbs up! Lawler then retaliates with the same thing, and Davari throws a tantrum. Hassan then proceeds to body slam Lawler five more times. THIS EATS UP THE FIRST THREE MINUTES OF THE MATCH! Lawler rolls outside to consult Jim Ross before re-entering and hitting a clothesline. Hassan rolls out and gets into it with Jim Ross, but here’s Lawler to the rescue with a right hand. Back in, Hassan hits a back elbow and takes apart the turnbuckle. The referee sees it and goes to fix it, missing a roll up by Lawler. Hassan gets out of it, and throws Lawler into the exposed bolt for 2. The camel clutch is applied, but released in short order so he can work an exciting front facelock. Back to the camel clutch! 6 years later the hold is reversed, and Hassan gets 2 while the crowd starts a “BORING” chant. A vertical suplex gets 2. A back elbow gets 2. Davari is totally carrying this with his incessant ranting on the outside. Hassan nails a neckbreaker for another 2. Hassan starts laying in the right hands, but that just serves to get Lawler to hulk up – and he connects with a dropkick. The fistdrop off the second rope gets a 2. Lawler calls for a DDT, and hits it, resulting in 2 when Davari puts Hassan’s foot on the rope. Lawler decides it’s time to be an idiot babyface, and chases Davari right into Jim Ross. Before anything can happen though, Hassan hits a Flatliner and scores the pin at 10:53. 1/4* That match was the pits, and I don’t want to see Lawler go at it with green wrestlers ever again.

TODD GRISHAM is fascinated with how BATISTA thinks he might fare in the main event tonight. However, big Dave can’t get 2 words out before it’s RANDY ORTON time. Any time is Randy time! Orton wants to know if Batista’s going after the belt, or be Triple H’s stooge? Orton reminds Batista he’s been in a Chamber before as Hunter’s stooge, and he was repaid with an asskicking. “You need to stop worrying about what I’m gonna do to Triple H, and start worrying what I’m gonna do to you!” However, Batista promises that if he’s got a chance to become champ, he’s all about it!

THE COACH joins the announce booth, because Lawler’s no longer with us. He immediately congratulates Ross for his loss. “You sucked last week, you sucked this week!”


Come on Gene, I’m rootin’ for 2-for-2! It does bode well for his odds considering Kane never wins on PPV, *however* that rule is bent when Kane is returning from extended periods of off time. Snitsky slugs it out with Kane to start, but gets run over with a clothesline from Kane. Kane hits a body slam, drops two elbows, drops a leg, and chokes Snitsky out. Snitsky tries a big boot, but it’s blocked, and Gene is slammed for 2. Snitsky comes back with a side slam, hits a running clothesline, and then another! Outside, Snitsky starts to tear apart the mats, exposing the concrete. Kane simply heads out and backdrops Snitsky on the concrete. That draws a “HOLY SHIT” chant from the wrestling depraved Puerto Rico. They head back in where Kane goes for the top rope clothesline, only he flies right into Snitsky’s boot! Snitsky wraps Kane’s back around the ring post and heads back in. A body slam is followed by an elbowdrop for 1. We move to the bearhug, but Kane escapes with a series of punches. The chokeslam is blocked with a body slam by Snitsky. Kane just sits right up, so Snitsky starts booting him in the face to keep him down Outside they go, where Snitsky whips Kane into the ring steps and grabs a chair. Kane blocks the attack with a big boot and sends Snitsky back into the ring. Kane gives Snitsky a side slam, and follows with another big boot. A flying clothesline off the top rope connects, and that wakes the crowd RIGHT up. Snitsky comes back with a hot shot, sending Kane throat first over the top rope, and clotheslines him. They go for dueling chokeslams, but neither one gets one off because Snitsky starts knawing on Kane’s ear! Kane comes back with a big boot and tombstone to score the win out of nowhere at 11:38. 3/4* Another brutal match in a series of horrid ones tonight.

JERRY LAWLER rejoins the commentary booth while Coach celebrates being with his two best friends!

Back to poolside, where the girls certainly sat by a pool alright. SIMON DEAN happened by, and shoved a fat guy into the pool. Then a chicken fight (WTF???) erupts, and next thing you know ROSEY‘s in the pool, fully dressed, with THE HURRICANE by his side, and then, if you can believe it, MY HEAD EXPLODED. But not before they put over CHRISTY HEMME for…doing it whatever it is that she does in this company.

TRIPLE H barges into a locker room in which BATISTA is jumping on the spot. Hunter says that he’d better not go after the World Title, but Dave promises he was just screwing with the head of Randy Orton. RIC FLAIR smiles and nods while Batista swears it’s “all gravy”. Ric shows Batista the love, but before we cut away he adds that should Hunter be eliminated before he gets into the ring, he will do whatever it takes to get the belt.

UNCLE ERIC strolls out to introduce us to the Elimination Chamber, and gives us the same spiel he gave us at Survivor Series 2002.

EDGE vs. TRIPLE H (with Ric Flair) vs. RANDY ORTON vs. BATISTA vs. CHRIS JERICHO vs. CHRIS BENOIT (in an elimination chamber match for the world heavyweight title)

SHAWN MICHAELS is of course the special referee. Jericho and Benoit start, since neither one of them is winning anyway. They work the chain wrestling as only they can. If either one of these guys had brains, they’d cut a deal with the other to just save their energy – and team up on the next guy out. They start chopping away, but eventually that ceases and Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter, or, if you’re JR, the “Crossface”. It’s blocked, so Benoit hits a German instead. Jericho recovers, and hits a flying jalapeno for 2. A backdrop suplex gets 2. The boys fight to the top rope, and Benoit hits a superplex just as the next chamber door opens, and brings us Triple H. Hunter hits Jericho with a high knee and whips Benoit face first to a turnbuckle for 2. This should be the first chamber match in which Triple H won’t wrestle the whole thing with either a crushed larynx or groin problems. Benoit is tossed to the steel walkway, and then run face first into the chain. Jericho is then dumped on the steel for kicks, and a camera finds that Benoit’s started to bleed a gusher! Hunter, ever loving, throws Benoit face first into the chain again, and goes for a pin. It gets 2. He figures he’ll finish with a Pedigree, but Jericho makes the save. Hunter opts to Pedigree Jericho instead, but winds up backdropped onto the steel! Jericho makes it worse with a modified powerbomb onto the steel again, and then hauls Triple H back in with a vertical suplex for 2. Benoit chops Jericho in the throat because he’s an idiot. He adds a swinging neckbreaker for 2, and now Edge joins the fun. Jericho takes a spear, as goes Triple H. That’s followed with a Buzzkiller on Hunter for 2. Benoit walks into an overhead belly to belly from Edge, and then he gives Triple H a backdrop. Jericho nails a missile dropkick onto Edge from nowhere, and steals a 2 on Hunter. That’s followed by a springboard dropkick sending Edge sprawling across the steel, and Jericho gives Benoit a knee to the midsection. Outside, Edge waits for Jericho to approach, and sends him face first to the chain. Hunter wakes up and hits a running knee onto Edge and goes for the Pedigree on the steel! Edge blocks and catapults Hunter into the chain. Back in, Edge hits a flying clothesline off the top onto Benoit for 2. Jericho’s now bleeding. Edge hits Benoit with a baseball slide dropkick, and completely misses Jericho’s running enzuigiri. Triple H gets back in to give Jericho a spinebuster for 2. Elsewhere in the ring Benoit hits Edge with an overhead bridged suplex for 2. Jericho takes a Pedigree, but everyone’s down so he stays alive. Randy Orton joins the mix now and hits a top rope crossbody onto Triple H. Hunter is tossed onto the steel, and run face first into the chain. The fans chant for the RKO, and Orton gives us one…onto Jericho for some reason. He goes for another one on Benoit, but Benoit is NOT taking that move again, and puts Orton into a crossface!!! Triple H comes over to taunt Orton…so Benoit releases and slaps the Sharpshooter onto Hunter!!!! FUCKING RANDY ORTON hits an RKO onto Benoit. Edge calls for a spear on Orton, but Orton moves and Edge accidently clocks Michaels! A second attempt hits the mark – but now Michaels is down and can’t count! Edge aggressively wakes up Michaels, so Shawn gives Edge the Sweet Chin Music! Jericho follows with a Lionsault, and that’s all she wrote for Edge at 19:22!

Triple H is waiting right there for Jericho and goes for the Pedigree, but Benoit saves the day with a trifecta of Germans! Thumb to the throat…and Benoit climbs to the top of a chamber box!!! Super flying headbutt CONNECTS, and Jericho puts Hunter in the Walls! Benoit follows with a Crossface, and Triple H is f*cked! However, Batista’s finally called in, and after a brief struggle with the door – the animal is alive! Hunter is quickly saved, and the fans are RABID for Batista! Orton takes a spinebuster! Jericho and Benoit are dumped to the steel! Now we get Batista and Triple H face to face, but the faces attack to break that up. Jericho is thrown into a camera man courtesy of Batista, and Benoit is powerslammed! Orton gets caught in a choke hold, but Benoit gives Batista a chop block. Everyone starts pairing off, and Jericho gives Triple H a bulldog onto the steel! Triple H starts pouring blood like a faucet, and everyone lies around. Benoit and Batista pair off in the chamber, winding up with Benoit being spinebustered. Jericho takes a spinebuster on top of Benoit via Batista, and Dave quickly finishes Benoit off at 26:17.

Batista and Jericho continue to slug it out, but Jericho’s quickly powerslammed, given the powerbomb, and pinned at 27:39.

On the steel, Triple H is given a backdrop by Randy Orton. Batista’s quickly over to hammer away at Orton. Hunter catapults Orton into the chains, and now he’s opened up! Batista and Triple H take the fight to inside the ring, and Batista gives Orton a powerslam for 2. Triple H’s spinebuster gets 2. Hunter clotheslines Orton for 2, and the count is definitely a little slow here. Triple H covers and covers for a series of 2’s, just serving to piss him off. Orton tries to fight his way back in, throwing haymakers at both guys. An uppercut causes Hunter to fall. Batista goes for his powerbomb, but Orton gives him a lowblow, hits the RKO and covers. Triple H stands…but decides to play dead in order to allow Batista’s elimination, and he’s gone at 32:34! Now THAT was a little unexpected.

Triple H is now quickly back to his feet and gives Orton a clothesline from behind. The fans are NOT thrilled with Batista’s elimination and start booing feverishly. They fight to the outside where Orton slams Hunter’s face to the chain several times. Back in, he calls for an RKO and connects! Flair hits the ring now, so Michaels contains him…completely missing Batista hitting a clothesline on Orton. Batista and Flair leave as ordered as Hunter wakes up first. Pedigree, 1, 2, 3. Triple H wins title #10 at 35:00. ***1/2

Evolution celebrates their victory post match while the fans go apathetic. No, really, they set up 6 weeks worth of storylines basically promising change, and we’ve gone full circle and are right back to where we started from. Ain’t that a kick to the jimmy.

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