Okay, extensive stuff on the State of the Union address coming up in this one, since I just can’t help myself. That’s what took so long. I had to slap myself on the head a few times to get the ringing of bullshit out of my ears while reading the transcript. It almost required a trip into my Happy Place, it was so bad. Ah, but that’s the risks I take for you, you ungrateful bastards. Let’s start rocking with the pimps, shall we?
THE PIMP SECTION
Sounds like Monroe has a hiatal hernia from his symptoms. Well, let’s hope my comments about the State of the Union address later in this column make him sicker. That way, we’ll know he’ll be fine.
Scotsman does not respect civil servants. Or maybe he just respects the ones with better bowel and bladder control.
And, what the hell, BAXLEY! And the best thing about the Dreamcast is that the games are easily pirated. No special formats, no special media, just plain old CDs burnable with CloneCD or Alcohol. And no mod chips required. Now that’s the closest experience to PC gaming that you’re going to get.
A COUPLE INSTANCES OF CULPAING MY MEAS
First of all, I forgot yesterday that Steve Austin has three failed marriages, not two. Sorry about that, but I was a big Chris Adams fan twenty years ago, and I definitely attribute Adams’ decline and early death partially to the fact that his protege Steverino stabbed him in the back by stealing Jeannie. That marriage pre-Jeannie just sorta slips your mind. You have to admit, though, that the third failed trip to the altar does strengthen my case rather than weaken it, though.
And does my conspiracy theory fall through with the New Hampshire Primary taking place prior to the Super Bowl (as pointed out by the Pride Of Dartmouth His Own Self, among others)? No, not so. Then a Patriots victory becomes a reward for the people of New Hampshire voting for the wrong New Englander, namely Dean, instead of for Kerry (and if Edwards had won in Iowa, all of a sudden, Tom Brady and Ty Law would both come down with convenient cases of food poisoning or something). The Junta does not take prisoners, folks. When they fix a sports event, it remains fixed.
Now, on to the fun stuff…
THE STATE OF THE JUNTA
Dubbaya’s annual blather of bullshit took place on Tuesday, and I’ve been going over the transcript with a fine-toothed comb in order to present to you the en clair version. Let’s look at some of the lying low-lights, shall we?
America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them.
And the greatest responsibility of any American is to go out and vote. This November, do it for the Democrat of your choice so this can be the LAST SotU from this cocksucker.
Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America.
And God knows that they can’t do their jobs without a set of laws that are so utterly draconian that a banana republic dictator would be ashamed of them, so let’s renew the Patriot Act so that we can turn America back into the police state we all know and love.
Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world. The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed is working.
Pardon me while I laugh in your face. If the tax relief was working, more people would be. And they’re not.
Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001 over two years without an attack on American soil, and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us.
How can we do that when every single news agency in the US starts blathering shit when the “terror alert level” gets raised, like last month?
Inside the United States, where the war began,
What war? The war against America’s collective intelligence, which the American populace is now starting to win after some nasty early defeats? Give it a f*cking rest.
we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets.
And to violate every single civil right in the book, and some that haven’t been invented yet.
The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and fighting terror and America is honored to be their friend.
That’s because we have all of the remaining guns over there, and the Afghanis respond well to a good weapon. Just ask the Reaganistas who were supplying the mujahedin, who ended up screwing the pooch so badly that the Taliban moved in.
Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries
Which did not include our longtime allies France and Germany because they’ve got a clue that invading a soverign state without international support is bad diplomatic form for the early 21st Century.
enforced the demands of the United Nations,
Which kinda, like, rejected the use of armed force in Iraq, or did we forget about that?
ended the rule of Saddam Hussein and the people of Iraq are free.
And they’re using their freedom to kill members of an aggressive invading army.
Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows. These killers, joined by foreign terrorists,
Oh, I want proof of this statement. I think they’ll end up finding the “foreign terrorists” right next to the WMDs.
Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every week.
And getting killed at the rate of about three a week doing so, for no reason.
Last January, Iraq’s only law was the whim of one brutal man.
And how’s that different from Ashcroft?
Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights. We are working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June.
And full military support for the next half-century, paid for by Joe Q. Taxpayer. And did anyone ask the Iraqis if they wanted a bill of rights? Most countries live pretty well without one, you know.
Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s, like, the only reason.
Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime’s weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. Colonel Gadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off, and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder. Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible and no one can now doubt the word of America.
Bullshit. Moammar’s a publicity whore. He saw that the entire world forgot about him thanks to Saddam, and now with Saddam out of the way, he can get a little bit of the spotlight back. He’s not giving up anything. Are you thinking that he was serious? Dude stonewalled for over twenty years on everything in sight, and now he’s suddenly giving in. He’s Pete Rose with petrocash.
I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all.
Well, let’s see. Congress didn’t declare war, which is required by the constitution for there to be a war, so, technically, we’re not in a war. So there should be no question: we are not in a war. So stop pretending we are, asshole.
They view terrorism more as a crime, a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments.
If it’ll work for your pals at Enron, Dubbaya, it’ll work for terrorists too. How about trying it on both?
Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq.
No. Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support a unilateral aggressive military action that was not supported by the United Nations and the world community. Some did not support the waste of money that it represents. Some did not support the fact that a specious excuse was used as justification, an excuse that has now proven itself to be false, which some of us believed at the beginning. Some did not support the fact that nothing good for America or Americans can come out of this. And some, hopefully most, will give you the status of “former president” that you so richly do not deserve, since you shouldn’t have been in there in the first place.
Objections to war often come from principled motives.
The fact that Dubbaya said anything about principles is a laugher. The Junta is the most morally-bankrupt administration since Harding.
Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands, Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq.
And the total number of those troops wouldn’t fill up an average army base in the US.
As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny, despair, and anger,
So Ashcroft will be going over there if you get reelected, huh?
In these last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession, and terrorist attack, and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war.
All of which were caused by Dubbaya and/or his friends and string-pullers, so we “came through” them despite him, not because of his alleged leadership.
You have doubled the child tax credit from 500 to a thousand dollars, reduced the marriage penalty,
Being single with no children, I really give a flying f*ck about that.
begun to phase out the death tax,
Still alive here. Still not giving a f*ck.
reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends,
Do I look like Fleabag to you? Still not giving a f*ck.
cut taxes on small businesses,
Nope, still doesn’t cover me.
and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes.
I didn’t see any difference. So therefore Dubbaya’s lying again, and I’m living proof. A single white middle-class guy with no kids gets f*cked by the gummint. That’s the message.
The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years.
And slowed down again in the fourth quarter, but you won’t mention that, huh?
These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have
You mean to fight an unnecessary armed conflict?
All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered.
And all those cuts to education that the Reagan/Bush I administrations performed have absolutely no connection to this, right?
We expect third-graders to read and do math at third grade level and that is not asking too much.
Meanwhile, third-graders in other countries are performing at fifth-grade level in math. How about raising the bar a little?
Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire. Unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged 300 dollars more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase.
Good. Let everyone else get f*cked too. Maybe then they’ll start screaming a bit louder about spending a hundred billion on Iraq.
Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy.
Good. Let’s start with reforming the oil industry…oops, you don’t want THAT, do you, Dubbaya?
A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. By keeping costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America’s health care the best in the world.
And the one-sixth of Americans who aren’t covered under any health insurance at all, and still can’t afford it even with help, can just go off and die somewhere.
The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now.
It might have had a little more impact if you’d said it when you still owned the Texas Rangers, but that would have pissed off the Players’ Union, wouldn’t it?
Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents.
Oh, but condoms in schools is evil, evil, EVIL!
We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.
You’re going to throw money at teenagers and tell them not to be horny. Talk about a waste of money.
The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God’s sight.
Except for gays and lesbians, because they’re icky and the Bible says bad stuff about them.
By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities.
Just as long as they’re the faiths we approve of. And if Florida starts going Demo later this year, screw B’nai Brith.
This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society.
And all of them have a greater moral sense than anyone in the Junta.
For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for, and achievements shared by all.
The biggest test, of course, being the “Bush Presidency”. And the biggest achievement will happen the first Tuesday of November, when his ass is voted out.
The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable and it is not carried forward by our power alone.
But it’s certainly acceptable to use our power to give it a push, even when it turns us into a pariah in the eyes of the rest of the world.
We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years. And in all that is to come, we can know that his purposes are just and true.
There, you heard it from him: trust in Vince McMahon, and we’ll all succeed.
That’s a message that every wrestling fan can agree on.
NO MATTER WHAT, IOWA STILL SUCKS
Okay, so my candidate won. That’s supposed to alter my opinion of Iowa? I don’t think so.
Obviously, the results were a surprise to me; I expected Kerry to come in third. They were an even bigger suprise to Dick Gephardt, who thought the “neighboring state” factor would get him over again. It didn’t, and he bowed out, thus confirming his position as this generation’s Harold Stassen. But what was even more fun than the joy of Kerry winning was Howard Dean’s complete meltdown. The only thing I can compare it to is Ed Muskie’s emotional breakdown in New Hampshire in 1972, which might have cost him the Demo nomination in the long-term. Did you catch Dean’s act? First he cuts a promo that’s being compared to Randy Savage at his most cartoonish. Then he starts singing the National Anthem to drown out hecklers. It’s absolutely entertaining to see him taking himself out this way. I knew there was a reason I decided not to support him, and he just proved why: such antics might be acceptable from a governor (see Ventura, Jesse), but not from a president. Did anyone get a mental picture of Howard Dean, Leader Of The Free World that jibed with reality after seeing that?
I have a good feeling about Kerry right now. In the ’92 season, I went with Clinton early and it paid off in a lot of gratification. I got the Clinton vibe off of Kerry last year, and it’s nice to see my faith in him being justified by the electorate, even if it is Iowa, which sucks (or didn’t I say that?). And Memo to Jason MIS: I support Kerry because I think he is the best available candidate to defeat Dubbaya. Clark’s not necessarily the favorite because of his military background. It’s better for a politician to have one than not to (and Kerry does; he, unlike Dubbaya, served in Vietnam). However, Clark is thought of as a maverick in terms of military service. Without a political record, he’s seen as more of an outsider in the area where his greatest strength should lie.
And so we move on to New Hampshire next week, where Dean has what amounts to a last chance. But Kerry’s coming on strong, and Clark’s taking a lot of support away from Dean. It’s going to be very interesting to see what those thirty-thousand Live Free Or Diers are going to come up with. And whoever survives that has to go straight into Edwards’ territory on Super Tuesday, where we get to see if Lieberman was able to get some kind of movement going.
No matter what, it’ll end up being more entertaining than the Super Bowl.
WHO SAYS JUDAISM IS OUT OF TOUCH?
A little tidbit from Reuters:
An Israeli rabbi has composed a prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn sites while browsing the Internet.
“Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs that disturb and ruin my work …, so that I shall be able to cleanse myself,” reads the benediction by Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the northern town of Safed.
The rabbi recommends that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet or even program it to flash up on their computer screens so they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.
I’m not really too sure about this, but can God really replace a good anti-virus program? If so, how often does God update his database?
It’s good to see, though, that someone in the religious circle finally understands that you’re not going to get rid of pornography. This could lead to a new development if it’s more accepted. I’ve always been one to complain about censorware. I think I might have to think about it a little differently if it doesn’t block sites but pops up a prayer before you go in. Of course, you can deal with that courtesy of pop-up blockers.
Sounds like the perfect opportunity for Gamble. He’s got the rev credentials. Now someone give him some money and let him go for it.
A large vanguard of mail last week was led by that dynamic St. Looie native BFM, who asked me what I thought of the Bears hiring Lovie Smith, former Rams D-Coordinator, as head coach. Well…
Yes, it’s true, he’s done a very good job with the Rams’ formerly non-existent defense and deserves every bit of credit for it. However, the defense wasn’t that good. That team lives and dies by its offense, and only dies by its defense (forgive me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Lovie’s last play as coordinator involve his guys blowing coverage on Steve Smith and allowing them to be clowned by X-Clown?). He isn’t a certified genius, and that’s really what the Bears need right now. However, all of the geniuses were either taken or decided not to leave LSU. So, in a sense, the team’s settling for Smith.
Second of all, a guy who’s named after his aunt doesn’t really fit the mold of smash-mouth Bears coaches like Halas, Gibron, or Ditka (the three that everyone love) or the smash-mouth Bears style of play. There’s a cognitive dissonance here to deal with that’s going to be very, very difficult.
Third, he’s Jerry Angelo’s boy, and the jury’s still out on Angelo, mostly. If the bad draft picks in the upper rounds don’t stop and soon, they’re both doomed. No f*ckups this year, okay?
And then there’s the key fact: he’s a defensive coordinator. The last two yo-yos that were brought in were so-called superstar defensive coordinators, and look how well that turned out. Third time is rarely, if ever, the charm.
So, I’m taking a wait-and-see on Lovie. Prove it to me, then we’ll talk.
And speaking of talking to me…
Regular Cabbageboy316 got his wish as Louisville not only upset Cincy, but thoroughly pasted them. Glad to see that someone can get wishes fulfilled. God knows that I can’t.
Eric Katz over in Music was one of many people to correct my confusion over diacriticals in the French language that I expressed yesterday in wrestling. Although considering Rene Dupree, maybe the accent on the second “e” would be more appropriate.
Semi-Regular Christopher Arrington chimes in about a certain young golfer:
Friday was the first time I got to see Michelle Wie play a full round and I must say that I’m beyond impressed. Even though she didn’t make the cut, getting two under in a round on a PGA course, in a PGA tournament, at 14 and being a girl at that is amazing. If she takes that exemption to play in D.C. in June, I truly think she might actually make the cut next time. Plus if I can speak in dirty young man mode for a second, she is closing in on my can’t wait till they’re 18 list. She has potential.
And so was I, as I said yesterday. This girl can play. Asian girls normally aren’t my type, but I’d do her if she was legal too. Cute and she can golf; that’s enough for me. As for the exemption, she won’t be taking it, but for a very good reason: it conflict with the US Amateur Public Links, and she wants to defend her title there. Good for her. As for Justice League, the first season of it turned me off enough to not watch the second, so I haven’t kept up. Also, Paul Dini-style shows aren’t really my cup of tea; I’m a little too old for that kind of stuff to have influenced me and my appreciation for animation.
Memo to the two NE fan retards who wrote me about “my” remarks about the Tuck Rule Game two years ago: those weren’t my remarks, those were Big Daddy’s. Learn the definition of the word “quote”, assholes.
Some guy named Paul (who spelled my name “Erik”, for which he must be shot) asked me about something in yesterday’s column:
What’s LD50? I assume that is something really bad? 🙂
First of all, you not only deserve to be shot for misspelling my FIRST name (hey, my last name I can understand), but you deserve a cattle prod up your rectum for using emoticons. Only retards use them and smilies, so grow up. Also, apparently retards don’t know how to use Google, so I have to explain it to you: LD50 is a term from toxicology. It means “amount of a substance that, if ingested, inhaled, or absorbed, will cause death in half a target population”. It’s a statistical measure of how toxic a substance is. Obviously, you ingested something in your youth that wasn’t enough for LD50, but definitely enough to cause permanent brain damage.
Memo to Brian Patterson: The stuff about the Super Bowl being fixed was, of course, a long-standing in-joke for long-time readers of this column. It stems from me making remarks about how suspicious it was after September 11th that the Patriots, of all teams, won the Super Bowl, on a last-second kick against a superior team, and how this extended into the Kentucky Derby and the World Series, both of which had suspicious results, all designed to take the attention of the American public away from what they were REALLY doing (and what they were really doing, even before September 11th, was planning Iraq). But you’ve got to admit that Tom Brady being in the audience for the SotU was pretty suspicious.
And I’ll be dealing with more suspicious things in the Round Table over the weekend before coming back next week. Toodles.