The Monday Morning Black Cloud 01.26.04

Hi everyone! I hope you’re all ready to start your Monday off with a big shebang, cause you’ve wandered into a black cloud of fun! We’ve got Gloomchen on life! Randle on sports! Wait, no, Randle is on leave again. Stupid Randle. There wasn’t any football this week so I’d be pretty shocked if Carlos shows up, but why not hope?

Golden Globes ShowerAwards

Last night was the Golden Globes! Despite this ceremony being corrupt and run by a bunch of nobodies, America is dying to know who won. By America, I mean film nerds and Harvey Weinstein. However, there’s a chance a conversation might start up in the office and you were probably watching the Royal Rumble, so I’ll help you out with some interesting opinion/conversation killers for you.

We’ll begin with the television awards. Angels in America won everything that had to do with mini-series. I’m sorry, but am I the only person who wasn’t touched by this six hour long gay melodrama? “Oh no, we have AIDS! Let’s have fantastic fantasies and f*ck an angel without taking off our clothes!” Disgusting. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves, especially Meryl Streep. Meryl, you were in She-Devil for Christ’s sake! How can you lower yourself to this drivel?

The BBC sitcom The Office won awards for best comedy series and whoever the male star is won best comedic actor. 24 won for best Dramatic series. I’m shocked that these shows won, as neither are about homos with AIDS who have weird fantasies and have butt sex in a park. I swear, I watched that butt sex scene 15 times and I still didn’t get what it was doing there. Rewind, play. Rewind, play. Still don’t get it. I’ll watch it a couple of more times right now.

And I’m back! As far as the movie awards go, everyone who was supposed to win won. Bill Murray should not have been nominated for Best Actor in a Comedy. Lost In Translation was an awesome movie and should have gone head to head with Mystic River as far as acting awards go. Instead, Murray won for Lost In Translation and Sean Penn won for Mystic River. At least it’ll be interesting to see who gets the Oscar now. Either way, Johnny Depp or Jack Black got screwed.

They got all the actresses right. They got basically everything right. This is the first time in a long time that most of the Oscar races are easily predicted. Golden Globe winner for best dramatic actress Charlize Theron (Monster) is going to take the Oscar also. I don’t care that Diane Keaton got naked. Something’s Gotta Give sucked ass. Rene Zellweger is a sure bet for Best Supporting Actress, which she won. Lord of the Rings is a sure bet for Director and best picture. Lost In Translation will win screenwriting awards. The only two interesting races are Murray vs. Penn and Tim Robbins vs. Alec Baldwin. So the Globes were predictable. That’s okay. Better safe than completely corrupt and evil.

Want to sound like a real asshole? I bet you do! Start talking about how Colin Farrell deserves a nomination for best supporting actor in Daredevil. First of all, you wouldn’t be wrong. Despite Daredevil being one of the worst movies I saw last year with a terrible script, terrible lead performances and terrible direction, Colin shined through like a brilliant beam of white light. He made his crappy lines work, and he didn’t speak very much. He acted with his eyes and was the most convincing and entertaining comic book villain since Jack’s Joker. We can’t just reward the people who had a great script and a great movie behind them. Sometimes we need to reward the guy who was at the center of a nuclear bomb and walked out unscathed. Therefore, I give Colin Farrell the Black Cloud Award for best supporting actor! Congrats, Colin.

Oh, Kay!

That whacky David Kay is back in the news with his same old shtick. Wait, I don’t think I’ve ever read his name in the news before. Wasn’t he a basketball player who fouled out a lot and screwed Madonna? Wait, no, that was Dennis Rodman. Their names both start with D.

David Kay is actually the top U.S. investigator of weapons of mass destruction who is on his way off the team. On his way out he decided to give Bush a couple of swift kicks to the nuts by talking about the much hyped up and then absent WMDS. (They were like a Guns and Roses concert. Or me in the movie section.)

“I don’t think they exist,” David Kay said Sunday. “The fact that we found so far the weapons do not exist — we’ve got to deal with that difference and understand why.” (AP Media)

David Kay, maybe you think you’re from England. Maybe you think you’re some kind of French pussy whipped liberal communist. THIS IS AMERICA! We don’t have to understand why! Wanna know why? CAUSE WE DO WHAT WE LIKE AND WE LIKE WHAT WE DO! YEAH! USA! USA! USA!

Hey Mr. Kay, I want to bomb Iran. Justification? BOMB IRAN! THEY HAVE TRAINED MONKEYS WITH KNIVES! USA! USA!

David Kay, the time has come for you to pull your sorry head out of your sorry ass and admit that it doesn’t matter who has weapons of what. It would have been our mass destruction if we hadn’t been able to get our hands on that sweet, sweet oil. Did you walk from Baghdad to Tikrit? No? You drove, jerkwad! God.

David Kay wasn’t as hard on Bush as I made it seem. He blamed the intelligence gathering sources and said they owed Bush and the American people an apology. Screw an apology. I don’t want or need an apology. If all of this is true, Saddam Hussein is owed an apology. He was apparently doing what we told him to do. He stopped gassing his people like 15 years ago. His laws and punishments weren’t any worse than our friends’ laws in Saudi Arabia. I think that the proper thing to do would be to bring Saddam Hussein to America where George Bush can personally apologize to him for starting an unjust war based on faulty information.

It’s the only right thing to do.

Let the fan mail commence.

And now here’s my favorite writer on the Internet, Gloomchen with

Nihilism and Cupcakes

It’s a huge time in American politics right now as we gear up to choose who will be our next President. Likewise, it’s a huge time in the entertainment world as J-Lo and Ben are no more, a guy from Jethro Tull is getting a sex change, and a Judas Priest drummer seems to have chosen the Michael Jackson path to infamy. But regardless, none of this seems to be as big and exciting as my personal life. So, for this installment of Nihilism and Cupcakes, escape the rest of the universe and read what truly should be national news.

ITEM: I used to write for a neat metal music review website. It was destroyed by behind-the-scenes politics, and that’s the kind of thing that makes a girl like me cry. The destruction was partially due to this girl on the forums, a cute little red-head who flirted mercilessly and led on several guys to the point where they turned on each other. She was always bitchy to me, likely because I have a vagina. The crux of the story is that this last week, the girl went to meet one of these guys who is apparently madly in love with her. Quite apparently, not only was the girl posting fake photos of herself, but she’s the size of a Cadillac. I found this out by pure accident and have been spending the majority of my week lending karma a hand by informing all of the former male friends of the old site that they need not lustfully masturbate any longer.

Moral of the story: why lie on the internet? Do I care that Scott Keith is big and round? I used to be big and round, for crying out loud. Really though, do YOU care what I, Randle, or Grutman look like? Would it make us instantly uncool if we didn’t look like hot bitches? Not that I’m saying Randle isn’t a hot bitch. I don’t know about Grutman, but in Canada, sexy just drips from pine trees.

Well, I guess some of you care. At least this guy does, anyway:

From: JiggyFlyWegro@aol.com
Sent: Monday, January 19, 2004 7:40 PM
To: gloomchen@anada.net
Subject: NIHILISM AND CUPCAKES

are you hot?

Yes, that’s my fan mail of last week. It’s good to know my political discourse affected this generation so deeply.

Anyway. Next.

ITEM: My six year old cat, Mia, had to have two teeth pulled this last week. The vet bill was $200. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR MY CAT’S TEETH.

Bear this in mind when reading the next item.

ITEM: I recently started selling my CDs on eBay. I’ve been amazed that I’ve actually been pulling in a decent little chunk of change — I’m honest when I say I just want them sold and gone. So, in that vein, I had no idea I’d bring in $30 in my first outing, selling a lot of oddball hair band stuff. So, of course, I listed even more this week. This means you must buy them… you must buy them… you… must… buyyyyyyyy…


*MEOW* I HAVE NO TEETH AND MY OWNER IS BROKE

And I have to take my kitten, Anneke, to get spayed this week. Allow me to keep that pity train rollin’ on through. Open your wallets, bid high and bid often.

Ahem.

Readers, I truly do apologize here for this televangelesque appeal for your money and sympathy. Really, I’m happy as a clam. Sorry to bother you with all of my garbage. There are children starving, babies dying, and pimps slapping hos out there. The world is full of news, and instead, I waste your time with my personal tripe.

Still, it was a little fun, wasn’t it? Girl talk is the best.

Until next week… Jackie, you stupid lying bitch who destroyed one of my favorite websites: I’m thinking people at this point would like to see us in a mud wrestling match. Better keep your clothes on though, you wouldn’t want to lose one of the Krispy Kremes you have stored under your fatrolls to fall out and get all muddy. BWAH HA, THE CHALLENGE HAS BEEN ISSUED! IT’S ON!

Until you see me soaked in mud, I remain,

Gloomchen

Gloomchen loses focus, Randle has family emergency.

A huge story is developing here at The Monday Morning Black Cloud as Gloomchen is kind of all over the place and Stephen Randle is out with the flu. That means that Joshua Grutman, who has thus far written two sub par pieces on The Golden Globes and David Kay, will somehow have to come up with something to carry the column. Good lord I wish Carlos was here. CARLOS!

Okay, I can do this. I used to write a whole column by myself. Um. Hmm. John B Haley! Say something funny! What “little thing” did you notice today? Damn it, Haley isn’t responding! Oh, here he is!

Haley: I think Ernest Miller is the funniest mother f*cker on the roster. If you can’t like him and his dancing you should just stop watching

Grutman: Yes! Yes! Got anything else? Maybe not about wrestling? Like, did you see an interesting bird or something? Come on man, I’M DYING HERE!

Haley: A bird at the pay per view or just outside wandering around?

Grutman: YOU’RE FUCKING USELESS!

Okay. This is okay. I can do this. I’ll CARLOS! Carlos, oh thank God. Ladies and gentlemen

Ay Me Gusta Futból! by Carlos Mahuad.

¡Ay, me gusta futból y Chris Benoit!

This is Carlos Mahuad again and this Mexican is feeling specially American and Canadian this particular week. First of all, after having a week to think about the Pats vs. Colts game, I still think we were robbed! The league office even admitted the refs no-called SEVEN penalties, including two pass interference calls in the final drive. That is just ridiculous. Bunch of no-good ice-screwing New England thugs. Yes, I’m still very bitter. Nevertheless, I now move on to rooting for the Carolina Panthers. I lived two years of my life in Indianapolis, but I also lived for six months in Greensboro NC, and actually attended a Panthers game, so this Mexican can root for the cats very happily. It will be a tight game, and I stand by my assessment that it will also be a rather uneventful one. No real explosive offenses in this game. I think it will come down to who makes the first mistake.

Now on to wrestling. The WWE is coming to my hometown of Monterrey, Mexico for the first time ever!!! Yep, Stone Cold, HHH, HBK, Goldberg, Ric Flair, and the rest of the Raw roster will appear at the Arena Monterrey, according to a local newspaper. I will of course be sitting ringside and will even try to mess around with some connections to get backstage. In other words, I will have to suck some security personnel dick, but hey, if I have to bust out the kneepads and toothbrush to meet Ric Flair, its fine by me. Speaking of which, Chris Benoit finally got some much deserved fellatio from the bookers and defeated 28 (Spike never made it in the ring) other men to win a chance to headline Wrestlemania. I was truly moved by this and feel very happy that the IWC’s favorite wrestler will get a chance to job to the boss’ son-in-law at the biggest show of the year. Other than that the show was fairly blah. I did enjoy watching Shawn Michaels and Hunter bleed all over Philly, though. I was very disappointed by the time Eddie Guerrero and Rey got for their matches though. The Guerrero’s match especially deserved at least 15 minutes to develop. Since the Rumble is all about the Rumble, I still have to give the show a thumbs-up. Anyways, I’m stepping on other people’s toes with the wrestling stuff, so I’ll say goodbye for this week!!! Adiós.

The sun peaks through the clouds

Stephen, I hope everything is okay. On behalf of Gloomchen, Carlos and John B Haley, this is Joshua Grutman wishing you a good week.