Hodgepodgeatorium 01.29.04

I’ll admit I was deeply hurt that I received a total of one response to the last column, with special guest Evocator Manes. I was so hurt that I sunk into a depression. But then things looked up and I was upbeat and optimistic again. Of course the “real world” came in to rain on my parade. Again I was in a funk.

But now I’m back and ready to return to 411Black. The main reason was Grutman vs Daniels. I always find in incredibly cute to see two white guys talk about race. I found it very telling, particularly Daniels comments.

Oh, and for the record, Affirmative Action programs aren’t limited to Blacks, the help all minorities.

And now for a quick recap of my 2003. It was pretty cool. I got to meet the majority of the cast of “Ladder 49,” as they were staying at the hotel across the street from the restaurant where I used to work. John Travolta is a real class act, and has possibly the softest hands I’ve ever shaken. Balthazar Getty is shorter than you would think. Morris Chestnut acts like a star. Joaquin Phoenix is just a character. Robert Patrick is way cool.

Selma Blair, Chris Issack and Johnny Knoxville also filmed a movie in town. Selma Blair showed us her engagement ring, Chris almost hit a woman while riding his bike on the sidewalk, and Johnny Knoxville is just like you’d expect him to be.

Lastly I got to meet the producers of the upcoming movie “Beauty Shop.” Taral Hicks is possibly the hottest woman in the world. Salli Richardson doesn’t like to hear the phrase “y’know the she was in “Posse.”

What’s really crazy was when I was meeting with the producer, in the same hotel he was staying in were 1) the “talent” from the new Hustler gentlemen’s club that had opened on the “The Block,” and the MTV was holding semifinal interviews for “The Real World.” That place was a nuthouse. But I did learn a thing or two from the producer, which should come in handy in the future. He was even interested in some of my ideas.

Oh yeah I also started writing for 411 in 2003, so that was also pretty cool.

Speaking of my ideas, on this, days before the Super Bowl, I have an idea that could make football more fun and more watchable.

Now I’m not going to pretend to be an avid football watcher. I’m not even going to pretend to watch football casually. As a matter of fact the only sports intake I get regularly is when I watch “Pardon the Interruption.”

But I do know that there was a huge outrage when Joe Horn had the foresight to hide a cell phone in the goalpost, so that when he scored a touchdown he could make a call and possibly get an endorsement deal. Of course the NFL fined him more money than I’m going to make this year.

Players want to celebrate when the get the TD, but the NFL frowns on that. Thus the players do more outrageous things, making the NFL punish them. It’s a vicious circle. But I have plan to fix all that fussin’ and feudin’.

I think that players should be allowed to celebrate after a touchdown. It is a pretty big accomplishment. But I don’t think that they could be go overboard with it. So I have an idea that could be the perfect compromise; Dance Moves.

That’s right, after scoring a touch down these huge football players should perform dance moves. I seem to recall the “Tootsie Roll” and the “Butterfly” being performed in years past, it’s time to bring those moves back.

I also think that the Twist and Running Man are viable candidates, as is the Hustle. If the player wants to really get jiggy with it, they can bust some pop locking moves. I can even envision a head or back spin. The possibilities are endless. If someone wants to get Old School they can do the Charleston.

This way the players get their moment in the spotlight, and the NFL get, whatever they wanted. Oh, that’s right a level on control. They could decide what moves aren’t allowed to be performed.

Now obviously there are very few acceptable dances to do with a partner. However if there was some particularly good blocking involved in the play, then I’d imagine that we could see some Kid n Play moves. But I think the NFL would look down on any moves from Dirty Dancing or those types of movies, just for the sake of advertisers.

Wait a minute! I just had an even better idea that would make NFL games much more fun to watch.

Imagine if, after a touchdown was scored, the defense had to perform a choreographed routine? That would be hilarious to watch. And that is how the extra point would be decided. If the defense nails the routine then no extra point is scored, but if there are slip-ups than a point is scored. And if someone is way off, it’s a two-point conversion.

Personally I think that this would give all new inspiration to defense and offense. The defense would be trying their damnedest to prevent themselves from being humiliated, and the offense would be going for that crippling humiliation.

Now my idea is that every team would have a signature routine. For instance the NY Jets would obviously do something by the Jets from West Side Story. Other memorable routines could be the final dance from “Beat It” any of the moves from “Thriller.” “Love is a Battlefield” has some pretty good moves, as does “Praise You.” Actually most 80’s videos with choreography will do just fine.

Wouldn’t that be great to watch? I mean those huge guys, who some people believe is the peak of manliness, forced to perform humiliating routines in front of millions of eyes, what could be more entertaining?

This would give those Cheerleaders, and dance squads a greater sense of vitality on the team, as they would be the ones coaching the players on the routine. Plus I’d hope that a side effect of this would be a sport more tolerant of homosexual players. It could possibly be what they looked for when acquiring talent.

And imagine the impact it would have on where players decided to go. The more complex the routine the less appealing, and vice versa. Players would be like “Uh, I’m not going to the Raiders, they have to do that MC Hammer dance.” And honestly who could blame them.

This would also give John Madden something else to dissect with his pen. I would love to hear the commentary he would give on one of those. And Paula Abdul could be brought in for choreography play by play. It would give her something to do between seasons of “American Idol.”

Sure touchdowns are exciting in football now. But this would be even more exciting. I mean, who wouldn’t want to watch that? Right now the extra point just means extra time to spend in the bathroom. But with my idea it would be something to watch. Nay, it would be something to behold.

So there you have it, my idea for a way the players and the NFL could reach a compromise where the viewers would be the real winners.