A team that wasn’t even supposed to finish first in its division won the Super Bowl last night. Tom Brady proved that he is the most reliable quarterback in the league today. Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson’s breast on national television. It was truly a game for the ages.
Speaking of the halftime show, my dad up and left when Nelly drove up. I might be misquoting him, but it was roughly “What the hell is this shit?†How dare you father? So Hot In Herrrrrre is shit? Pretty much everything that Puff Daddy has ever done is shit? Two old Kid Rock songs are shit? Janet Jackson lip-synching with gender confusing dancers is shit? Justin Timberlake singing Rock Your Body before exposing Janet Jackson’s nipple is shit? Well dad, if that’s shit, then I guess it was my kind of shit. Sure, I didn’t so much enjoy it as tolerate it, but I watched the whole miserable thing.
So her brother ends his halftime show surrounded by singing children and she ends hers by showing off her wrinkly nip. I’m truly not sure which is less tasteful.
Anyway, congratulations to the New England Patriots and Janet Jackson’s flabby breast! You are the true survivors. Fuck Rudy.
KILLING IN THE NAME OF
You stupid idiots. You dumb you idiots.
The conservatives of America are calling you all animals, terrorists. The liberals are saying, “Not all Muslims are terrorist! They’re just people!†The liberals are getting drowned out. It has been over two years since 9/11 and your people are still considered evil by the majority of Americans. Your religion, which like most religions preaches peace and obedience to God, is seen as a bloodthirsty excuse to murder. With your suicide bombers and your Osama videos and your citizens calling America Satan, you needed a bit of positive PR. Image is everything you know. So the annual pilgrimage to Mecca by over two million Muslims is just what the doctor ordered to show that your people are passionate about God but also members of a loving brotherhood of man.
But why show that when you can FUCKING TRAMPLE THEM?
What the hell is wrong with you people? Not just Muslims, whom I’m starting to believe are actually part monster. I’M A FUCKING LIBERAL AND YOU’RE MAKING ME QUESTION ALL OF YOUR PEOPLE! THANKS! Anyway, first and foremost I’m talking to the organizers of this thing. Now, while I sort of get that it’s important for a Muslim man at least once in his life to journey to Mecca so he can throw FUCKING STONES AT A PILLAR REPRESENTING SATAN! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Sorry. Imagine 2 million people in an extremely crowded circle throwing stones at a pillar. Now, what can go wrong with that besides EVERYTHING? Jeez, us Jews had to stop throwing bread symbolizing our sins to the ducks because we were making the ducks fat or something. But these Muslims get to throw stones in a big circle at a pillar!
This is going to shock you, but something went wrong with the throwing of stones at the pillar representing the devil and a stampede broke out. 242 pilgrims were killed and about the same amount were injured. What a tragedy, right? How could this happen, huh? A terrible combination of horrible circumstances had to come together for this to go down.
Last year 14 pilgrims, including six women, were killed in a stampede during the first day of the stoning ritual. Among other deadly incidents in recent years, 35 died in 2001, while 118 were killed and more than 180 hurt in 1998.
The worst toll of the pilgrimage was in July 1990, when 1,426 pilgrims were trampled or asphyxiated to death in a stampede in a tunnel, also in Mina.
-AFP
WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, what the hell is going on? This is not the will of Allah! Suicide bombers are not the fist of Allah. Why can’t you people understand that anything having to do with ending the natural order of life for yourself and others is exactly the opposite of what we’re supposed to do. Do you think God put us on this perfectly proportioned ball of water and oxygen and trees and crap so we could crush each other while trying to stone the representation of evil? So that we could crush each other without regard for our fellow man because we’re in such a rush to throw stones at the representation of evil? WHAT YOU JUST DID WAS EVIL YOU DUMB FUCKS! Organizers, you get your shit together. You figure out a way to do this so that no one dies or I swear to God I’m going to denounce the entire Muslim faith and I don’t like denouncing anything. This is barbaric and evil. Knock it off.
And now my favorite writer on the Internet, much more so than Chris Hyatte (who is either dredging up old bits from his past, lusting over out of date pop-stars or hanging out at the all mighty forum Hyatte is such a tool), the beautiful and talented Gloomchen with
Nihilism and Cupcakes by Gloomchen
I will admit it now: I can be a total ripping bitch. Sometimes, I’m even proud of my ability to be a bitch. I hold a lot of respect for other people who are able to stand up for themselves and be heard rather than settle for the status quo and whine about it to others.
I also pride myself on the ability to know what is worth getting bitchy about and what is better left alone. And this is where my respect for those mentioned above can turn black.
Example one is a single mother who gave birth to a child with a lot of medical issues. She herself has a lot of medical issues. She is fighting for child support from the father and fighting with her insurance company and her treating facilities to ensure that her child is getting top-notch care. She refuses to back down when she knows she’s right and won’t take any slack for being a single parent.
Problem is, this woman has carried her tenacity into other aspects of her life. In her workplace, she looks at everyone in accusation that they might be using or abusing her. In her personal life, she is the boss and nobody else’s say matters. In a nutshell, her child is important and she is important, but nobody else is important and everyone is out to screw up her life for herself and her child.
Example two is a hard-working guy, out of prison from charges that could be called coincidental rather than actual guilt. He doesn’t have much but his dog and his love for The Simpsons. He’s doing what he can as a blue-collar worker who enjoys The Marijuana while living with his mother (not just to save himself money, but to take some financial burden off of her via rent towards the house payment).
Yet, all is not rosy. This man could itemize what he’s bought and what others have consumed in the household. He refuses to give any more than anyone else has contributed, regardless of extenuating circumstances. When something in the house happens that he doesn’t agree with, he turns drama queen, takes his ball and goes home. Meanwhile, he could care less if this inconveniences anyone else. Others must walk on eggshells at times to make sure a wrench will not be thrown into plans due to his mood.
I have many more examples, but how many more are necessary?
I truly feel for folks who have to face struggles and need to take a head-first run into difficult situations simply for the chance to live as equally as possible. But there’s little tidbit that those above, and many more, seem to forget…
Life isn’t fair.
Feel free to get upset and fight for things worth fighting to win. Tackle your oppressors head-on when you’re clearly getting the short end of the stick. But don’t forget that for every short stick you’re dealt, someone else has likely been dealt it in the past. Is it worth your battle when everyone else has felt this at one time or another? Are you being oppressed, or are you simply experiencing a momentary slump like most others around you? As one fine philosopher once noted, shit happens.
Fight the good fight and fight it until the end. Aside from that, be mellow. Live life. Seize what you can, but let the small potatoes roll on by. It’s not worth making the lives of everyone around you miserable because you can’t seem to grasp that the universe is not one giant scale on perpetual balance.
And with that, I remain,
The Short Sports Report by Stephen Randle
Well, it’s relatively good to be back, right here on 411Black, writing the sports, because it’s what I like to do. Hey, right now there’s some sports going on, let’s check it out on the old TV card.
Wow, it’s 0-0, with punts abounding. Why does no one counterprogram the Super Bowl? Time to dive into the DVD collection, I guess. Although there was a pretty cool, if pretty short, trailer for Troy. Up here in Canada, we don’t get most of the new commercials, but at least we get the ones for movies. Hell, aside from that, most of the Super Bowl commercials suck.
I mentioned the Leafs game in my wrestling column (yes, I can do that), and I said I’d talk about how it turned out. Turns out I wasn’t lying. Thirteen powerplays for Ottawa. One goal. I don’t care if you’re the Pittsburgh Penguins, if you get nearly half a game of powerplay time, and you don’t win, you need to seriously evaluate your team. And I don’t just say that because I hate the Ottawa Senators with a passion beyond reasoning.
Meanwhile, the Leafs continue to reign atop the division, the conference, and somewhere near the top of the league. Excuse me while I do the Happy White Guy Dance of Joy.
You should be glad you can’t see this.
First quarter’s over, still no score. Oh, and Carolina hasn’t legitimately made a first down yet. Whee. Remind me again why this is the biggest sporting event in America?
Back to other sports. Some baseball player in Cleveland made a gay porn movie years ago. Man, are we really that hard up for controversy? Pete Rose’s book is still out there, people, let’s dump on that again. Remember how much fun we had?
Some guy with fairly mediocre stats in the Yankees organization is getting released to play in the NFL instead. What happened to the days of two-sport superstars like Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders? Okay, well Bo wasn’t really all that good, but Deion had his moments. Even had some on the field, too.
Hmmm okay, CuJo is now the default goalie in Detroit, at least until he screws up again. Mostly because Hasek’s still injured. When you talk about bad plans, bad executed, look no further for an example than Detroit trying to play a full season with three high-priced goalies.
Man, with football ending, what am I going to use for filler next week? The only sports left that anyone knows about are basketball and hockey.
Still 0-0.
Federer won the Australian Open. I think that’s a tennis tournament. And it’s men’s tennis. And it’s in Australia, so we get to see it on tape delay. And if you’ll recall what I think of men’s tennis on tape delay, we’ll move on.
I suppose I’d be remiss to mention that Barry Sanders and John Elway got into the Hall of Fame. Never really saw Sanders in action (we usually end up getting Buffalo games here), but Elway was my favourite player for quite a while, and definitely one of the best quarterbacks to play the game. And here you thought I just blindly hated all things NFL.
You call this football? Playing in a dome in one of the hottest states in America? Try playing in November in an outdoor stadium in Regina, where the only thing blocking the winter wind as it crosses the plains is the occasional wandering cow. Sure, it’s stupid, but that’s how the CFL does its championship game. That’s it, I’m watching Pirates of the Caribbean. Over to Carlos, who will probably have more positive things to say about the Bowl. Strange, I’m usually the positive one.
Ay, me gusta futból y Gael GarcÃÂa! by Carlos Mahuad.
The kicker decided the game. The KICKER decided the game. How sad is that, gang? By the way, the kicker I am talking about is not Adam Vinatieri. It is Mr. I Suck So Much I Should be Castrated and Thrown Into a Pit of Lava Kasay. How do you let the kickoff go out of bounds? I mean, honestly. You have to kick is straight as hard as you can. Nothing else. Just straight. And he kicked it out of bounds. Pathetic. Other than that, well other than that the Panthers still kinda sucked. The defense got kicked around fairly easily by the Patriots, and the offense did not get the running game going. They had two over 20 runs that padded the stats, but more often than not Stephen Davis was going backwards.
Was it a good game? Maybe. Was it the best Superbowl of all time? No way. It was not even the best in the last five years (Rams vs. Titans). Yes, it had a great ending and some huge plays in the fourth quarter, but the rest of the game was entirely forgettable. The Lingerie Bowl was amazing, though! The markout moment of the game was the Dream’s running back getting tackled by her panties! The halftime show was fairly blah until Justin came out and started ripping off Janet’s clothes. Funny moment when at my SB party everyone booed Justin. I stood up for him and said they were just jealous. Then Justin got Janet “naked by the end of this song†and a monster “JUSTIN, JUSTIN, JUSTIN†chant erupted.
Back to the game. I guess the Patriots deserved to win it. The Panthers had played mistake-free football thus far, but played horribly in stretches. Manning Jr. was just terrible. The front four got no pressure on Brady. Penalties were bad and special teams put the cap on a good but not good enough effort. It pains me to see Brady compared to Montana but I can’t argue with success. I can however continue to hate the Patriots with every fiber of my being. And I will, forever. Until next time, I’m still Carlos Mahuad y todavÃÂa me gusta el fútbol.
And that’s it for today
Even less of a contribution from me than usual as I’m going through a phase at the moment. I’m trying to contribute to the site but I’ve been starting a journey of self-exploration that has resulted in me declaring myself the piddling shit of the universe. I gotta get my life in order and focusing on 411 isn’t the answer. I’m not taking off, I’ll be sticking around but I need to figure out some stuff. Still, this is what you call a great team effort this week! Next week I’m promoting these three to the by-line or whatever you call it. Not that I do the by-line. Somebody tell Widro. He stopped reading a while ago.
On behalf of the entire Black Cloud family, I’m Joshua Grutman wishing you a pleasent week.
