Welcome back to The Bootleg. This is gonna be a little awkward. I’m talkin’ Fred Savage on the last three seasons of The Wonder Years awkward. But, we’re all family, so I can spill my innards to y’all.
It’s been a tough week in the land of the Goodness. On Monday, Mrs. Bootleg was admitted to the hospital with a fairly serious condition called preeclampsia. The good news is that her vitals have mostly stabilized and she might be able to come home in a few more days. The bad news is that, for this week anyways, the Bootleg gets put on the back burner…next to that saucepan of lima beans and corn.
Plus, my computer seems to wanna freeze every 10 minutes or so. I’ve scanned my system and I’m virus free (even with the “live updates”), but the problem persists. Anyone who can help make the problem go away is welcome to have my Hulk Still Rules DVD or a VHS tape of the 1999 Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania. Now, that’s knowing your audience.
I entertained the notion of cranking out a music news column this week, but in 52 weeks of 411 reporting, I can honestly say that there has never been a slower seven days in modern recorded history (non-Jackson division).
The Beastie Boys are close to completing their next album. Coolio will appear on Fox’s Celebrity Spelling Bee. Master P declared bankruptcy. Uh, you get the idea.
However, I really didn’t want to let the Friday News Slot to go “dark” as it were…especially since my complexion (and goatee) is similar in shade to a young Stoney Jackson (for the rest of you, think back to the Michael Jordan character on that Pro-Stars cartoon).
To that end, I’ve decided to run the first part of what was intended to be the surefire column of the year on 411 Black. While the rest of America was kickin’ the shit outta their livers and watching the best Super Bowl ever unfold, I was taking notes and preparing my Super Bowl Diary. Some game analysis, real life intrusions and all the commercials are reviewed for those of you who might’ve missed something.
Come back next week for the First Anniversary Episode of The Goodness…it promises to be just as entertaining as that 10th Anniversary of Raw special that ran last year.
That Bootleg Guy’s Super Bowl Diary (Part I)
So much for a shitty game.
Your friendly neighborhood Bootlegger takes his crow served with copious amounts of wing sauce and blue cheese dressing, thank you. In this space, last week, I did my best to convince y’all that “The Big Game” was going to be a big waste of your time.
I was so certain of this, that I sat down on Sunday with designs on putting together a Super Bowl Diary that would cover and comment on every commercial that aired, along with occasional cheap shots at the sure-to-be dreadful duel between the Pats and the Cats.
Who knew that the game would kick eight kinds of ass and the commercials would…well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. In fact, let’s start at the beginning. This is my Super Bowl Diary. I’ll take you back to Super Sunday with commentary on the game, as well as the heavily-hyped halftime show and my exclusive one-man review of every two million dollar commercial that aired.
And so it begins.
After running a few errands and doing some much needed house-cleaning, I turn on the tube just before 3:00 PM (West Coast time) to find the emaciated minstrels of Aerosmith screeching out Eminem’s Sing for the Moment track. (Yeah, yeah…I know) If you looked really, really closely…you could spot Steven Tyler’s daughter, Liv, selling beer in the upper deck. I know I couldn’t have been the only one rooting for the asteroid in Armageddon. I mean, sure, six billion people would’ve died, but at least Liv’s character was gonna be one of them.
Hour One
We begin with the over-produced and melodramatic introduction sequence. A disembodied voice, that appears to belong to Samuel L. Jackson, gives us one of those impassioned speeches about “no tomorrows” and “the ultimate stage”. For you wrestling fans, just try to imagine the late Classy Freddie Blassie’s opening words that preceded the last few Wrestlemanias. Jackson sounded a lot like that…without the phlegm.
Funny thing here is that members of the Patriots and Panthers appear in headshots, spouting the same hyperbole as my man, Sam. With the possible exception of Tom Brady, is there anyone…on either team…that even serious football fans would know just by looking at them? Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Brett Favre…these are the personalities and faces synonymous with the NFL’s grand game…not Stephen Davis.
We get the first shots of our TV voices for the evening, Phil Simms and Greg Gumbel. Their mics appear to be spliced into the PA system inside the stadium and the echoing reverberations make Gumbel sound like the voice of God. As if God could possibly be a mocha-brown tub o’ goo with five chins and a jheri curl.
The commercial reviews will be structured with the brand name/product in bold and a brief synopsis immediately following.
California Cheese: This could’ve been a regional ad, but I hadn’t seen it yet. It involved some voyeuristic talking cattle and a cow standing in a sprinkler out in the field. Surprisingly, this would be something of a theme for many of the ads, as the sexual overtones here were just…creepy. Score: 1.5
Taco Bell: A new ad for the chain’s Chicken Club Chalupa product. The concept is Night at the Roxbury meets nacho cheese, as three annoying guys ‘go clubbin’ with a mishmash of chicken, bacon and fried flatbread. I actually had one of these yesterday and it wasn’t bad. Score: 2.0
The Panthers are introduced as a team (following the lead of the Patriots’ idea from the Super Bowl two years ago) as we see clips of their season highlights. Say it with me, kids: “Jake Delhomme, Super Bowl Quarterback”. Man, that’s right up there with “Hulk Hogan, Luchador”. And, there’s more than a passing resemblance between Delhomme and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber.
The Patriots do the all-as-one introduction, too. The voiceovers from some of the Pats speak longingly of their Super Bowl victory from two years ago. Of course, no one mentions that the referees handed them the playoff game against Oakland that year with some obscure interpretation of “the tuck rule”. But that’s okay…as long as the Red Sox are around, I’ll know there’s one New England team that will never win the big one.
Worst Pre-Game Quotes (tie): “We’re ba-aaaaack!” by Tom Brady and “This game is a little different from the regular season.” from Phil Simms.
I think when a movie quote turns 20 years old, it’s time to retire it for good. And in other news from Uncle Phil, the sky is blue and water is wet.
Ford: A short 30-second spot that shows quick images of their GT racing cars. We’ll call it a “teaser” and give them a pass for this one. Score: N/A
Cialis: This sponsor appears later in the broadcast, as this ad looks to push more people to their website. It doesn’t say exactly what this drug is used for, but all the couples holding hands should be a hint. Score: N/A
Tostitos: A wedding is delayed because the groom and his groomsmen are watching the game and plowing through a bag of chips. The bride and her court discover them and proceed to join the party…the bride even shows off her football knowledge, bringing the best man to tears and nailing it with “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry”. Very good spot and the best of the pre-game. Score: 4
McDonald’s: A distracted man tries to do the laundry while watching football. However, hilarity ensues as he mistakenly adds a cheeseburger wrapper to the clothes in the dryer, instead of a fabric sheet. His wife’s blouse now smells like processed cow, which is enough to drive them both into the heat of passion. Score: 2
Florida Orange Juice: A bunch of kids…drinking orange juice. Next. Score: N/A
It’s time for a tribute to the men and women of last year’s Space Shuttle Columbia tragedy. I certainly understand this ceremony, what with Houston’s NASA ties and all, but when Greg Gumbel said that the disaster “left a deep and lasting impact on our nation”, I thought he was overdoing it just a little. How many of you remembered that day before the NFL sought to exploit it?
CBS draws out this awkward segment even longer as Josh Brolin sings a song called You Raise Me Up. Y’know…in this light, he kinda looks like ’80s child actor Meeno Peluce. Then, the whole thing just steamrolls to the peak of unintentional comedy as a faux astronaut, in full moon man get-up, walks across a crater filled stage and plants an American flag. It’s like a VMA trophy come to life, as I pray for kickoff.
Instead, I get Beyoncé and the National Anthem. Whoops, sorry…”Houston native” Beyoncé. Just a hunch, but the last time Ms. Knowles set foot in H-Town, was when Jenny was still “from the block”. Oh, and if you missed it, Beyoncé was in a conservative off-white dress that fit her frame quite nicely.
Bud Light: A harmless little “hip hop” spot that splashed images of Bud’s watery cousin over a generic bass line. Too bad my dad’s the only brutha I know who drinks light beer, though. Score: 1
Pizza Hut: Jessica Simpson and The Muppets go crazy for The Hut’s new 4-in-1 pizza. Things get dicey when Jessica makes a move for Kermit, but Miss Piggy is there to keep her man in check. A cute little ad, despite the lack of camera time for Fozzy Bear. Score: 2.5
Ah, the always-exciting coin toss. The Panthers win the toss, as the clear highlight is the revelation that Rodney Peete is one of Carolina’s captains. Wow, how did he win that election? To his credit, there’s not a 50-year-old Black man anywhere who wears the backward cap look any better. Oh, and I can’t forget former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell who was on the field for the toss. With his gray and matted ‘fro, he looked a little like Grady from Sanford n’ Son.
Ford: This time we get action shots of the GT racing around a track. I always love the fine print in these spots, “Closed course, professional driver”. The GT would sell like crazy if they showed someone using it to evade the cops in a high-speed chase…or sitting in traffic. Yep, that’s pretty much driving in California. Score: 1
Finally, kickoff is upon us. Rod Smart is back to receive for Carolina and I wonder if he’s as sick of the “He Hate Me” references as I am. And why does Steve Austin still wear a Las Vegas Outlaws jersey from time-to-time as part of his skin-tight denim shorts and duel knee brace ensemble? Jesus, it took wrestlers 10 years to realize the fanny-pack craze was over, how long before someone tells Austin the XFL is dead, too?
Early on, it appears that it’s going to be long day for the Panthers as it’s three and out on their opening drive. They have a wide receiver named Mushin Muhammad, though, so perhaps Allah is on their side. However, if I were Mushin, I’d try and talk to Minister Said and see if I couldn’t get a better first name. You can’t tell me when this guy converted to Islam, that the best name available was “Mushin”?
Quick separated at birth: Patriots running back Antowain Smith and Mr. Potato Head.
Questionable play calling from the Pats early as, on a 3rd and 15 from the Carolina 20, they call a draw play for no gain. Oh well, Vinatieri’s on for the gimmie field goal and he never misses from this close…
Well, whaddaya know…he shanked it. Still no score halfway through the first quarter.
Bud Light: A snotty little yuppie proudly displays his dog’s ability to fetch a beer. The blue-collar guy he meets also has a pooch (a mangy little mutt) and his dog proceeds to jack the beer from the rich guy by biting him in the crotch on command. Lowbrow, but funny. Score: 3.5
Fed Ex: Two workers find out that an alien has infiltrated their corporation. His only disguise is a paper cut-out mask and, for some reason, he seems to want the humans to ship everything via Fed Ex. Nonsensical and pointless. Score: 1
Dodge: A guy walks around trying to get (a real) monkey off his back. He comes across a Dodge dealership, which delivers his request for a sporty family car. Guy drives away happy, leaving his monkey with the others that new Dodge buyers have left behind. Huh? Score: 1
And another 3 and out for the Panthers. Does the fun ever start?
Pepsi: Two hungry bears stumble across a cabin in the dead of winter. They find all the food they want, but there’s nothing to wash it down with. So, they head out to their local convenience store and buy some cola…using a convincing disguise and an eerie resemblance to the mountain man whose ID they stole. Score: 3
Schick Razor: A bland, straightforward ad. This belonged on a mid-March NBA game, not the Super Bowl. Score: N/A
AOL: The power of AOL technology is hooked up to a motorcycle from that chopper guys show on TLC, before it attempts an Evel Kineval-like jump over a row of cars. Predictably, the bike overshoots everything, as AOL is just too powerful. Score: 2
The ineptness of both teams continues as the only thing worth mentioning is Patriots’ WR Troy Brown’s “injury”. He was popped in the nose and missed a few plays. Sideline reporter Armen Ketayen filed a report, telling viewers that Brown was bleeding “profusely” and had “lost a lot of blood”.
Uh, Armen…pinch nose and hold head back. It’s Playground 101. They teach that the same day as “small baby bouncies” and “imaginary runners”.
Van Helsing: A movie spot that stars Hugh Jackman taking on Dracula (with about 800 teeth), Frankenstein and Wolfman. Pass. Score: 1
Bud Light: Cedric The Entertainer goes in search of a massage, but finds a room full of beer and makes an unfortunate detour. Instead, he ends up with a bikini wax, as I wonder how such a genuinely funny man could end up in such a run-of-the-mill ad. Score: 2
Okay…it’s getting so bad for Carolina, that the punter was actually coming on to the field before the 3rd down play ended. Seriously, check the tape and tell me I’m wrong. At least someone on this team is earning their paycheck today.
Troy: A brief trailer for Brad Pitt’s new gladiator movie. The ad’s not that compelling, but the cinematography looks a little like Scorpion King, which I saw on HBO a few days ago. A truly awful film. Score: 1.5
H&R Block: A Willie Nelson doll gives out tax advice in a nice nod to Willie’s real life tax troubles. The spot ends strongly, as the doll gives former Yankee coach Don Zimmer guidance on whether to go out and kick Pedro’s ass. Score: 3.5
Chevrolet: They’ve got a new subcompact car to sell called the Aveo. Yes, it rhymes with and looks like a Geo…and that ain’t a good thing. The fact that they used basketball players to try and convince us that the car was “big” borders on insulting. Just stupid. Score: 1
This might be the most boring 15 minutes of football I’ve ever sat through…and I’m including NFL Gameday for the PS2. Both teams look equal parts tight and lethargic. And the ultra-conservative play calling is driving me crazy. This ain’t exactly the way to capture the thousands of casual fans who tune in to watch their one football game a year. Right on cue…the Patriots bring out their punt team.
50 First Dates: Ad for the new Adam Sandler movie with Drew Barrymore as a victim of short-term memory loss. Unfunny preview = unfunny movie. Score: 1
Budweiser: A coach goes ballistic on a referee while arguing a blown call. The commentators wonder how the ref can withstand such a verbal assault without losing his cool. We find out, as the ref is next shown at home getting an earful of nagging from his wife. Hilariously over-the-top, without overshadowing the product. Score: 4.5
Monster.com: An old guy and a young guy are juxtaposed against their striking similarities throughout the day. At the end, the young man walks into the office of the old man for an interview, as Monster promises they’ll find the right man for the job and the right job for the man. I need to find the aspirin. Score: 1.5
Your in-game quote of the day: “I know (this game) is not exciting.”
Phil Simms…you are an honest man. Of course, Greg Gumbel waddles in to cover-up for his color man by likening the game to a methodical “boxing match”. He even breaks out the trifecta, by adding “physical” and “deliberate” to the analogy. Don’t let your dictionary fool you, kids. These are all euphemisms for “I’d rather be rubbing six of my wife’s ten sausage-swollen fingers, right now.”
Sierra Mist: The single most disturbing image you’ll see all year, as the lemon-lime soft drink compares their refreshing flavor to a kilted Scotsman standing on an air vent. Marilyn Monroe, he is not. Well, they weighed about the same…but that’s neither here nor there. Score: 1.5
Miracle: Movie spot starring Kurt Russell as the coach of the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team. **Spoiler Alert** America wins the gold. Score: 1
Levitra: Washed-up coach Mike Ditka spews a senile rant on how football is much more exciting than baseball. He somehow manages to tie this all into erectile dysfunction and all I got out of it was that football players are impotent. Score: 1
Coach Ditka is obviously not watching this snoozefest unfold, as I decide to switch things up by exchanging my box of Triscuits for a box of Cheez-Its. As far as cheese-flavored snacks go, Cheez-Its only rank behind cheese-flavored Pringles in the junk food pantheon. In my less cultured days, I would lick the cheesy-dust from one side of the Pringle before popping it in my mouth. Sunrise…sunset…
Budweiser: After years of watching those Clydesdales get all the pub, a humble donkey wants in on the action. He proceeds to demonstrate his worthiness by showing off his Clydesdale walk and he even gets hair extensions for his legs, so that he’ll fit it better. This all leads up to his interview for the position in front of the Clydesdale board of directors. Another terrific spot from the AB folks that screams for a sequel Score: 4.5
The Alamo: A quick spot for a new Billy Bob Thornton movie. He’s weird. Score: 1
Back to game action as Panthers’ QB Jake Delhomme goes deep…! Eh, it’s incomplete, but it’s nice to see even an attempt at a game-breaking play. Of course, the very next play the Cats run a sweep for a 3-yard loss. Next play…QB sack. I reach for another 12 ounces of amber goodness to deaden the pain.
Pepsi: An exploitative and manipulative ad on the evils of illegal music downloads. The whole message is wrapped around a bunch of kids who talk like Tony Miceli and a new contest where us common folk can win one free legal music download from itunes. Unadulterated pap. Score: 1
Levitra: A brief 30-second spot that highlights the benefits of their cock-rock drug. Score: N/A
Mitsubishi: Two cars on a two lane highway are swerving to avoid the numerous “international objects” dropped from the backs of the two trucks the cars are following. Confused? Yeah, me too. Oh, but the background music is Ballroom Blitz. Hey, whatever happened to Tia Carrere, anyway? Score: 1.5
With 11:30 left in the first second quarter, Carolina has run 17 plays for 0 yards. They’ve officially lost Mrs. Bootleg, as well, as she’s asking why they aren’t showing any of the celebrities in the crowd. I know it’s not really a game until Ray Romano is shown in Section F, Row 11 eating a $7.00 kielbasa.
Hey, it’s 4th and inches…time for another measurement…the camera drifts to the owner’s box and Patriots’ Lord n’ Master, Bob Kraft. Holy crap, did you see this guy’s cuff links? If ever the phrase “bling bling” could be paired up with “old white man”…those things are bigger than my head. For sake of reference, if you had a choice between a million dollars or my skull full of quarters, you better take the skull.
Bud Light: On a cool winter night, a couple looks for romance in the back of a horse-drawn sleigh. Unfortunately, the evening takes a turn for the worse as an innocent candle meets the business-end of the horse’s ass. Fart jokes and beer seem to go hand-in-hand, but this didn’t do it for me. Score: 2
Truth.com: I thought the Super Bowl didn’t accept advocacy ads? Anyway, apparently one in every five kids smokes a cigarette before the age of 13. This played like a reenactment of that old duck-duck-goose game. Personally, these ads need to start telling kids how much a pack a day habit will cost to maintain…that’ll scare ’em straight. Score: 1
Charmin: A quarterback is distracted from the drama of his game…by a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his center’s ass? Who could this ad possibly appeal to? I can’t imagine the women who make the household grocery decisions could relate to the football theme, while the men just think this whole concept was really, really gay. I’m just saying. Score: 1.5
The agony of these first twenty minutes of game “action” won’t end. We’re back from commercial as there’s a Carolina challenge, another stupid penalty on the Panthers defense and a blocked Vinatieri field goal. Even the wife is failing to give me workable material here and I can usually get four paragraphs just by looking in her general direction.
Starsky & Hutch: A truncated version of the trailer that’s been making the online rounds, this one doesn’t do the film much justice. The omission of the “get another perm” line is borderline criminal. Score: 2
Pepsi: For the segment of our readers who only watch UPN on Thursday nights, the waitress in this ad is comedienne/actress Mo’Nique and the object of her affection is the skinny brutha from Kenan & Kel. The premise here is that Pepsi makes you forget about your ex-girlfriend and seek asylum in the neck rolls of fat chicks. Score: 1
IBM: Muhammad Ali appears before a kid who’s made up to look like a young Eminem. He tells the lil’ bastard to “shake up the world” and I’m going to hell for the joke I’m thinking of right now. I guess it’s all about technology. “Shake up the world”? But, Muhammad…you’re world’s already…nah, let’s just move on. Score: 1.5
Hour Two
Things finally start to pick up as Carolina is running their version of the hurry up offense. Which basically means that those one yard runs up the middle will start coming faster and more furious than ever before. Just when I can’t take no more, Delhomme fumbles deep in his own territory and the Pats recover. Moments later, Brady finds Deion Branch in the end zone for the first merciful score of the game.
Patriots 7, Panthers 0
Visa: The U.S. women’s volleyball team trains for the 2004 Olympics by playing on the frozen tundra of some godforsaken locale. The ball ends up in the water and the two statuesque athletes duel with some roshambo to determine who goes and gets it. The commercial ends before the hot chick/cold water concept can be explored further. Score: 1.5
On the ensuing kickoff, there are no less than 3 penalty flags thrown. Greg Gumbel tells us it’s “raining yellow”, which is what I hear is going to be R. Kelly’s defense. True story.
Secret Window: Johnny Depp gets about a minute to sell us on the virtues of his new movie. It looks pretty good and is easily the best movie spot, so far. Of course, I’d pay to watch him read the phone book, so maybe I’m biased. Richard Greico, take note. Score: 2
Chevrolet: This one opens up with quick shots of individual kids getting their mouths washed out with soap. This mysterious phenomenon is explained as a small child leaves his house, only to get a first-hand look at the automatic drop-top of Chevy’s newest line. He responds to this technological advance with an exclamation of, “Holy S***”. Lowbrow, but funny. Score: 3
Lay’s Potato Chips: This ad leaked early and for good reason…it ain’t the least bit funny. An octogenarian couple fights over a bag of “new, crispier” Lay’s. Domestic violence ensues between the husband n’ wife. So, what…I’ve gotta wait 50 more years before I can beat my wife and then blame it on a bag of chips? Cool, I’ll wait. Score: 1
The corpse of Jake Delhomme has crawled out of the grave as he’s got the Panthers driving. Even a cheap shot from the game’s dirtiest player, Rodney Harrison, can’t stop Carolina. Rodney levels a clothesline from hell that Phil Simms claims is “nothing illegal”. Only if Earl Hebner is the referee, Phil.
AOL: More chopper guys wackiness, as this time the new AOL is hooked up to one of those people-moving scooters that the old, infirmed and incontinent seem to prefer. Once again, AOL is just too powerful as the scooter shoots straight up in the air. This is like a bad Super Dave Osbourne sketch…which means it’s like every Super Dave Osbourne sketch. Score: 1
Touchdown! Delhomme to Smith for seven. Smith even adds a Reverend D’von shimmy at the end. And, I’m shocked that a preacher gimmick didn’t get over. Shocked, I tells ya. Patriots 7, Panthers 7
Immediately, my euphoria of something happening is broken by the sound of our phone ringing. Who the hell makes a phone call during the Super Bowl? (With the permitted exception of calls to Pizza Hut, Papa John’s, Domino’s and their related ilk) Turns out it’s one of the wife’s oldest and dearest friends…and Mrs. Bootleg lets it roll to the answering machine. That’s why I married her.
NFL.com: Meanwhile, the NFL runs an in-house promo for something called jointheteam.com. I’m not quite sure what this is, but Jerry Rice, Eddie George and Michael Strahan (among others) appear in the piece, so it must be associated with losers who were sitting at home on February 1. Score: 1.5
The Patriots are driving with a couple of minutes left in the first half. CBS quickly cuts to the luxury box of the Panthers’ owner and I quietly guffaw at the guy seated behind him who’s wearing cowboy boots with his suit. Sorry, but the only heterosexual men who should be wearing cowboy boots are Barry Windham, Lance Cassidy and Sam Houston. Hey, the Patriots just scored…Brady to Givens.
Patriots 14, Panthers 7
No commercial break after the score? Man, I hope someone got fired for that. Vinatieri squibs the kickoff and gives the Panthers excellent field position. A couple of plays later, Carolina placekicker John Kasay splits the uprights to shave the Pats lead to four.
Patriots 14, Panthers 10
Nissan Titan: It’s a new car. Nothing to see here. Score: N/A
Jack in the Box: Jack has a new sourdough grilled chicken club sandwich and the marketing guys can’t decide whether or not it appeals more to men or women. Ru Paul makes a cameo at the end as (s)he was apparently able to time travel to 2004 from 1993, or whenever the hell (s)he was still almost a celebrity. Score: 1.5
California Cheese: More from the obnoxious talking cattle as they try out a pick-up line or two on the cows. Call me crazy, but I just can’t believe that you need conversational livestock to sell a block of mozzarella. Score: 1
Halftime
The talking heads from the CBS studio show give us a quick recap of the quote-unquote action from the first half of play. I’m tempted to tune out their hyperbole…until lead host Jim Nantz is nearly nailed by an “international object” thrown from someone in the stands. Even better, CBS cuts away for a highlight package and when they return, Nantz can clearly be seen pointing out the perp for the stadium’s security Gestapo to….”deal with”.
Voter Registration PSA: Jennifer Lopez, Tom Cruise, Chris Rock and other celebrity zillionaires tell us how important it is to vote. Here’s a no bullshit true story: it was reported that J-Lo had never registered to vote until the day that she shot this commercial. Well, maybe that’s not entirely true…she did vote in ’84 and ’88 in the “Should the Rabbit finally get to have a bowl of Trix” election. Democracy in action, baby. Score: N/A
The MTV sponsored halftime extravaganza gets off to an auspicious start as Jessica Simpson bastardizes the “Choose to Vote” slogan and segues into the show by belting out something like “We Choose to Party”. OK…how long did Jenny McCarthy’s career last? I really need a frame of reference, so I can figure out how much more of Jessica we have to put up with.
The University of Houston marching band provides the backdrop for Miss Janet’s intro. She’s got her titties set to 10 as she lip-synchs in time with her music. MTV apparently took the time to bus in anyone in the coveted 12-24 demographic as the entire field is overrun by planted “fans” all wearing Janet or MTV related gear. The only things more annoying are the she-male dancers gyrating on stage with her. I thought that whole gimmick went out with Madonna’s “bisexual” period (1989-1993).
After one track, Janet exits and P. Diddy enters. He mumbles something that sounds like it came from his Bad Boy For Life cut, but before I can confirm it, he leaves the stage while the back-up singers/dancers break out this bizarre “Hey, Mickey”-like riff, substituting “Diddy” for “Mickey”. If you missed it, thank your bowels or whatever compelled you to leave the room.
Amazingly, we managed to fall even farther down the evolutionary scale as Nelly and Murphy Lee drive themselves to the stage for their set. I can only assume that Murph had trouble finding a parking space as Nelly hits the stage solo for the resurrection of Hot in Herre. Boy, how I missed that song. Diddy comes back out and goes even further into the archives with his verse from Mo Money Mo Problems.
White folk finally get their chance to represent as Kid Rock is next to the stage. I can’t lie: I just don’t get this guy. He sells records, no doubt, but damned if I can figure out how he does it or if I could name one person who actually owns one of his CDs. Anyways, he’s lip synching, too, but doing a very bad job of it. About halfway through, he looks to be about five seconds behind the song playing over the PA.
Mercifully, Janet is back out on stage to close the show and the old school flava finally delivers with a performance of Rhythm Nation. I always loved this track. Though, the trip to 1990 is stained a little bit, with Janet’s laughable little outro:
“Bigotry? No! Ignorance? No! Illiteracy? No!”
Fortunately, Justin Timberlake has taken the mic in a fruitless effort to restore a shred of credibility to the proceedings. Did you know he’s the one responsible for that I’m Lovin’ It campaign and jingle at McDonald’s? If someone can tell me why Mickey D’s abandoned the singing moon from the “Mac Tonight” ads, let a brutha know. And, trust me, that was the first ever use of the “urban” slang term “Mickey D’s” by someone other than the Black guys who appear in those commercials.
Holy shit…Justin is slapping Janet’s ass. It looks real natural, like he’s trying to swat a fly. Well, it sounds like this painful ordeal has reached its conclusion, as Justin reaches for Janet’s right breast…
