Well, well, well Valentine’s Day is once again upon us. I am here to tell the women of the world not to get your hopes up. Sure this is supposed to be the most romantic time of year, but c’mon this is the year 2004. Most guys idea of romantic is a porn that doesn’t feature anal.
The first thing that you need to understand about your role in the man’s universe is that you as an individual mean nothing to him. Besides the fact that he probably has a girl on the side, he has three other females that are constantly around that he talks to and five more waiting in the wings. Every time he “has an important call on the other line†he is talking to another “friend.†Everything that you “never tried beforeâ€, she mastered, three years ago.
Let’s be realistic, there are like two million cute females in your city. Now we subtract those bookworms at that never go out, that leaves like 1.5 million. Then you subtract those females who don’t dress up when they do go out, we are down to one million. Now subtract the females who have men and you have half a million. But add the females who are faithful to their men and you are back at 999,998. It is simple arithmetic 1,2,3. That is some stern competition. And you think you have a chance of being his Valentine?
Well let’s say just for the sake of argument that you do end up being his “girl.†He chances are he is a little short on funds. We are all experiencing an economic downturn. If he wouldn’t buy you flowers on February 1st, why do you expect him to do that on February 14th? If he couldn’t drop fifty on dinner and a movie last month, why would he drop fifty on six roses and a piece of candy in five days? Realize that if you expect extravagant gifts, you will probably be disappointed and sad in your room alone with only a card from Circle K to keep you company.
But once again for the sake of argument let’s say that you had a decently romantic dinner at TGIFridays. Your man even broke out the candles when y’all went back to his place. You shagged. Now what? Well you could sit by the phone and wait for him to call. Or maybe you could move on with the rest of you life, because rest assured, he has. You were but a momentary distraction. A conquest. He got what he wanted.
Think of him like a bee. His job is to pollinate. Every flower that he pollinates is a beautiful creation. But there are lots of flowers that need to be pollinated. Sure, occasionally he will dig in the trash to look for something to pollinate, but for the most part it is beautiful flowers. Spring is coming up and that is when flowers come into to full bloom. I can’t wait for spring.
Now I am sure that the sensitive guys will scream and holla and proclaim that all men are not like this, and more specifically they are not like this. All I have to say is, hey if that is how their game works more power to them. Some people prefer to do that whole “wolf in sheep’s clothing†shtick. But I am begging, pleading with the women of the world, open your eyes. Some of these costumes aren’t even zipped up. Sometimes the mask isn’t on straight. And you can tell when someone’s not full of sheep.
If this column has completely turned you off of men I am sure that there are some women on in your town that will get you in touch with your feminine side. If you catch my drift, (wink).
If it sounds like I’m bitter, it’s because I am. One of my beefs with Valentines Day is that people refuse to realize that relationships are finite. If these relationships do end, the party that spent the most money on Valentines Day is left looking like a fool. Imagine spending extravagantly on Valentines Day festivities only to break up two months down the line when you fail to return a phone call.
Another aspect of the finite relationship is that looking at the gifts you received can cause you depression through reminiscing. Looking at that Teddy Bear reminds you of the time he took you to a carnival on February 14th. Looking at your gown reminds you of the time he took you out for dinner and dancing. Looking at your criminal record reminds you of the time you got a ticket for public indecency (his idea). Looking at your receipt from the clinic reminds you of the time you got burned.
Valentines Day also brings out the worst in guys. It is a cutthroat world and there are few suitable candidates for wiz-dom. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard friends say the following phrase; “honey I don’t care what Akili said. I did not have sex with her. She just went down on me. There was no intimacy, she didn’t even swallow.â€
Alas Valentines Day is the only holiday worse than Kwanzaa.
