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It seems like the only three news items are the Democratic Primaries, the war lies, and Janet Jackson’s boobie. While I shall touch upon all three, gently caressing the latter, there are other things going on in the world. Here’s a quick list.
1. There is a revolt in Haiti due to “flawed legislative elections in 2000†(AP Media) that were swept by President Jean-Bertrand Astride’s party. Discontent had been brewing for the past three years, and it recently exploded in violence. Most recently the rebels took the city of Gonaives, a key port city. So an election was stolen in 2000 and the people are trying to oust their corrupt leader in 2004? Sounds like a plan, without all the violence.
2. 100 men in NYC seek the right to wear a skirt. They were not transvestites. They were not homosexuals. They were not all Scotsmen. They were simply men sick and tired of the tyranny of pants. They marched from the Guggenheim to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 30 degree weather, their skirts swaying with each breeze, their gentiles shrinking, their legs freezing. God bless these men and their skirts, trying their damnedest to is it even illegal for a man to wear a skirt? I’m not sure if that’s illegal. What the hell were these guys doing? How do you even organize something like this? Is there a yahoo group? I’ll ask Ron Gamble.
3. Andy Roddick tied the world record by hitting a 150 mph serve in the Davis cup. That is truly an incredible accomplishment. It speaks volumes about the blah blah no one gives a crap about tennis blah blah swatting at yellow balls blah blah better with Agassi and Sampras and I like to watch the women cause they’re trying to be pretty now blah.
4. A young girl in the Dominican Republic who was born with a partial second head on top of her head died when doctors tried to remove the second head. I don’t know if it’s too soon to make really obvious jokes about this considering that the little girl died. In fact, it’s probably too soon. Maybe I’ll write out all of the obvious stuff next week (two heads not better than one, heads up, not able to head this off, one head/two head/chop head/girl’s dead, ect.). Or maybe I won’t. Either way, science has failed us once again. You suck science!
5. There was an anti-gay marriage protest in Boston, and AP media reporter Theo Emery has produced the greatest AP story quote ever! People held banners that read “Let the people vote,” “Marriage, ancient, sacred,” and “Homosexuality is not normal” as they were entertained by live music. “Yeah! We love you Jane’s Addiction!†I can just see the flyers: “STOP THE HOMO MENACE! Live music.†Good for you protestors! Nobody in history ever did wrong while fighting to deny rights to an undesirable group of people.
So that’s some of the other stuff going on in the world.
Kerrying the Party
In case you couldn’t tell by my clever headline, John Kerry is now firmly the front runner in the Democratic Primaries. This comes as a huge shock to me, as I was positive that Dean was going to win the first few and then Edwards was going to come from behind to sweep the south and become the next Bill Clinton without all of the scandals.
Kerry, George W. Bush’s Skull brother, looks to be on his way to becoming the next President of the United States thanks to Bush’s popularity drop. Promises of trips to Mars, a gigantic deficit and immigration for everyone is shockingly pissing off not only his opponents but his own party as well. Conservatives see Bush as irresponsible while Liberals see him as an evil man. The more I think about it, the more I see Bush as a guy who is dying to get rid of this responsibility. Jeb wanted to be dad, not George. All George wanted was a beer and a baseball team. With a fellow member of Skull and Bones likely to be his opponent, look for Bush to put up a very weak fight. Also look for about a billion stories about how they were both members of Skull and Bones in the next 8 months. I don’t know why the organization doesn’t demand Kerry step aside. I bet they don’t want this publicity.
This week, Dean says he must win Wisconsin if he is going to stay in the race. I don’t know how he chose that state. “So goes Wisconsin, so goes the cheese†or something. Dean worked his ass off in Washington state and only got 30% of the vote to Kerry’s 48% on Saturday, so it might be time for him to pack it up. In fact, it has probably been a couple of weeks since it has been time for Dean to pack it up.
Wesley Clark has figured out how to win. Good for Wesley. It’s too bad he’s so far behind. Wesley, go home and get read for 2008 should Kerry lose. I think Clark would be a pretty awful choice for Vice President, simply because it is below a man of his stature.
Kucinich he know he’ll never be President, right? I mean, I know Sharpton knows that he’ll never win, but I’m honestly wondering about Kucinich. He is SO far left that he’d make a good replacement for Ralph Nader, but he’ll never be important. Poor guy.
Want to know what Al Sharpton is really doing? I think you’ll be surprised. He’s rallying the troops, reminding the African American community that voting Bush out of office is important. He’s showing them that in an election filled with old rich white people, a brother can campaign against them. He is showing that anyone can run for President regardless of color, creed or sex. Good for him. You keep it up Al and I might throw you my meaningless vote when you get to NY.
Anyway, the former Vietnam Vet/Vietnam Protestor (something for everyone!) Kerry will have to pick a running mate, and I think that Edwards is better than a safe choice. Dean is done in the party. Lieberman proved what would happen if he runs for President. I think that Hillary Clinton would be a daring choice, but that isn’t likely to happen and might also be a catastrophic choice. Some other good choices include form NY Governor Mario Cuomo and former Presidential candidate Bill Bradley. But we’ll see what happens soon enough. I don’t see Edwards saying no.
Here’s my favorite writer on the Internet, Gloomchen with
NIHILISM AND CUPCAKES
By this time next week, Valentine’s Day will have come and gone. Another year with another day filled with sweet amour for those in loving bliss, another year with another day filled with silent hatred and anger for those supposedly in loving bliss but instead scorned, and another year with another day filled with bitterness and contempt by those who have no one with whom to celebrate. It’s a day filled with the possibilities of random acts of love, contrasted with also being a day that can inspire anything but.
Still, there are more purposes for Valentine’s Day. It can be a day where one person who treats his partner like a piece of meat 364 days of the year can suddenly erase all of this by purchasing a simple box of candy and, perhaps, a flower or twelve. It’s a day when those who have grown old together can simply look at each other and nod at another year gone past, grateful that neither one of them have kicked off yet. And it’s also a day where many secret admirers will muster up their courage to tell someone that, yes, they would like to be their Valentine.
Others may decide that they are fed up with societal constraints and, in a backlash set to rock the immediate universe, will do something shocking to protest what they perceive to be the evils of Valentine’s Day. Children in elementary classrooms across the United States will open their little paper notes of love only to tear up those from the ugly kid who can’t figure out how to properly use a tissue. Many companies will relax their dress codes, allowing a red or pink shirt to be worn instead of the required uniform. Hallmark, Brach’s, and FTD will rake in a wonderful cash spike.
So, celebrate. While your mail will still be delivered and you won’t get a vacation day from work, there are still many ways to interpret and enjoy Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re having marathon sex, glaring at someone for not having marathon sex with you, or spitting on people who you think might get to have marathon sex while you wither away, empty, desperate, alone — you’ll still be in the spirit.
The Bush Is Good And Beaten.
Yes, after a year of half-truths and straight out lies and false allegations, President George W. Bush is realizing that instead of proudly touting that we went into Iraq and kicked ass, he’s going to have to defend why we went into Iraq and kicked ass. It’s not going to be easy, as Bush needs to defend his poor economic record. As one of the few presidents who lowered taxes during a war, Bush is left with a huge bill for the attack on Iraq while refusing to raise taxes in order to pay off the debt. If he claims that the economy is due to the war, he’ll have to defend why he made the choice to go to war in the first place. If he focuses on extolling the positive results of the war he’ll have to defend sacrificing the US economy for the freedom of the people of Iraq, and those guys seem to be attacking us everyday. Every time Bush cries faulty intelligence the findings of the UN, David Kay and quotes from Clarence Thomas will refute those cries. Bush is good and screwed. If I were him, I’d just keep saying that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction but they hid them incredibly well. Enough Americans will believe that. Call them stupid or whatever, but I believe that Americans want to believe that. They want to believe in our President.
Then Bush said this yesterday on NBC’s Meet the Press after conceding that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: “(Saddam Hussein) had the capacity to have a weapon, make a weapon. We thought he had weapons. The international community thought he had weapons. But he had the capacity to make a weapon and then let that weapon fall into the hands of a shadowy terrorist network.â€Â
Okay. So basically he’s saying whoops? Or is he saying that we need to bomb any country that has the power to develop weapons of mass destruction and sell them to terrorists? I think Canada has the know how. Goodbye, Mr. Randle.
President Bush is making every mistake there is to make. He is admitting that he was wrong. This isn’t like he got caught in a lie about an intern sucking him off. That would affect him, his wife, his family and the cock sucker. President Bush is admitting he was wrong about a war that led to the deaths of thousands upon thousands of people with the body count rising every day. This isn’t a scandal, it’s a travesty. You don’t get a slap on the wrist from Congress for starting an unjust war. You get the lives of every person who died on your conscience for the rest of your life, and unless you’re the leader of the free world you are brought to justice.
Righteous people don’t change their story 15 times. Liars change their story 15 times.
Let’s say that Bush isn’t lying. Let’s assume that he really did get horrible intelligence and didn’t actually want to go to war but felt that he had no choice. Being the President means that you get the glory for successes you had nothing to do with, and it means that you get a face full when the shit hits the fan. As DAVE said, the buck stops here. It stops with the President, and anyone who tells you differently is lying.
No amount of deflecting blame is going to make George W. Bush’s hands any cleaner. He can take comfort in the fact that he will never pay for what he’s done. But if he wants another 4 years in office, he better stop changing his story. The American public might want to believe in their President, but there’re only so many lies they’ll swallow.
What war? What election? BOOBIE BOOBIE BOOBIE!
I think this might be the final word on this at 411, and for that I’m pretty happy. There have been so many jokes made about the amount of attention that the media has paid to this that I’ll avoid that topic. Instead, let’s focus on the boob itself.
It looked unhealthy, you know? It was at an odd angle due to the skin tight suit she was wearing. It sort of looked like it was about to explode. It was bigger than Misty Mundae’s boob but not as big as Darian Caine’s boob. I didn’t like the star on it. I don’t think that was a piercing but I’m not sure exactly what it was. All in all, I’d give it a C- for being a sub standard boob on a woman but a B+ for being a 40 year old woman’s boob. That’s if I were the boobie inspector, which I am not. YET!
Common sense tells us that this boob shouldn’t have appeared on television during the Superbowl halftime show. MTV pissed off A LOT of people by doing that. Common sense tells us that CBS, MTV and Janet Jackson should all be subject to a pretty big fine. It’s not that I give a crap one way or the other, it’s just that there should at the very least be a warning for parents if boobs are going to be television. People care about that kind of thing, and more power to them for that.
And for all of you screaming that it’s just a boob, well, yeah. That was all it was. It didn’t bite anybody. Nobody went blind after viewing it. It was only on camera for a few seconds. Who gives a crap what an aging popstar did to try to sell a couple of records? Who was able to sit through Nelly and P Diddy who’d give a crap about a nipple anyway? The older people and the much younger people had wandered from their tvs by the time Kid Rock was singing about prostitutes with needles.
In conclusion, Janet Jackson was wrong for showing her breast but it wasn’t a big deal because nobody was scarred for life. The media was wrong for reporting this meaningless story without stop for a week but it wasn’t a big deal because nobody was scarred for life. The media who critiqued the media for reporting this meaningless story was wrong for being snotty but it wasn’t a big deal because nobody was scarred for life. Finally, I was wrong for critiquing the snotty media who critiqued the media for reporting this meaningless story but it’s all cool because nobody has been scarred for life. We’re all okay. I think that means something, but probably not.
The Short Sports Report by Stephen Randle
Well, I suppose if Grut’s going to be nice (or lazy, whichever) enough to get me into the byline on this, I suppose I should write something. Of course, I’m writing this without the knowledge of whether or not he did it, or if he was just being Grut again.
Anyway, it’s a sports report you want to see (I assume), so it’s a sports report you’ll get. The Super Bowl may be over, but it’s All Star Weekend, and frankly, I care more about that.
And for the (hopefully) final word on this insanity, Janet Jackson showed her nipple on national television. Janet Jackson is like, fifty. There are so many things wrong with this I don’t know where to start. But then, I live in an area that has a basic cable channel (or whatever definition means “if you live within two hours of Toronto, you could pick it up on an antennaâ€Â) offering softcore porn every Friday night, so my sense of judgement in these matters is a little more relaxed than most.
The NFL Pro Bowl was last night, and I didn’t care. Actually, I doubt most people care. You really shouldn’t have All Star games after the season ends, because most of the good players were in the playoffs and don’t really feel like playing a meaningless game afterwards. Seriously, have you ever seen the starting QB’s for the Pro Bowl ever be the same ones who were actually picked? Not usually, because at least one of them probably went to the Super Bowl and is reeeeal tired of football by now.
At least they didn’t put it on until after the NHL All Star game, because that would have assured a loss of most of the Canadian audience. Of course, since I wrote this before the game started, what with work and all that forcing me to finish this early, I have no idea who won. Not that it matters, it’s just the game, the atmosphere, and the prospect of 20 goals getting scored that excite me.
Staying on hockey, because hey, it’s my column, how fun was it to watch the Ottawa Senators on Thursday? Just the image of Daniel Alfredsson, his girly hair flying in the breeze as he dashes for the bathroom gives me warm feelings of happiness. Plus, Ottawa blew a four goal lead and lost to Toronto, which once again allows me to do my Happy White Guy Dance of Joy.
Best done to the song “Walking on Sunshineâ€Â, but in a pinch, you can use “Start the Commotionâ€Â.
Moving on, the NBA All Star game is next weekend, and everyone’s upset that neither LeBron nor Carmelo made the game. Ignoring, of course, that they made the Rookie All Star team, and that everyone on both teams is also quite good (there’s this Vince Carter fellow I understand is pretty popular), plus the chances of them having more opportunities in the future if they really are as good as people say. No one ever looks to the future, I tell you.
Back to hockey for a second, as Don Cherry’s been put on seven second delay due to his tendancy to be less than politically correct. Cherry blames the French, I just blame how incredibly polite we are in Canada. Seriously, Rush Limbaugh makes one vague remark about Donovan McNabb and essentially gets fired, and we get a season-long drama about it. Don Cherry makes sometimes horribly racist remarks every Saturday, and not only does he keep his job, he’s a pillar of the Canadian community. Now, I’m not saying Don doesn’t know his hockey, because he does, and he has made many great calls over the years. And yes, he does wear some of the best ties known to man. I could just do without the other stuff.
Speaking of being Grut, have you read my wrestling column yet? You should, but first I suppose you should finish off this one first. Is Carlos still writing post-Super Bowl? If so, he’s up now. Move along.
Grammy Wrap-Up: I Don’t Give A Shit About the Winners
No Carlos. Just Josh with some Grammy coverage.
Just reached the first commercial break, and thus far the Grammy’s are kicking ass. The first two performances were amazing, as Beyonce jammed with Prince and Sting, Vince Gill, Dave Mathews and Farrell paid tribute to the Beatles. The best opening I’ve ever seen to any award show.
Next, Christina sings a shitty version of Beautiful and I get to see Gwen Stefani on stage. Gwen’s ex-boyfriend Tony sounds like Kermit the Frog. Beck cracks me up while introducing the White Stripes. Meg White looks hotter than she ever had before. White Stripes blow the roof off the place and then BB King and Aerosmith walk on stage. They give a lifetime achievement award to The Funk Brothers and then present the best rap album award. Outkast won but the camera couldn’t find them. It takes a minute and then Andre came to the stage. “Thank you†was the entire acceptance speech. That was odd. I mean, really truly odd. But okay. They’re promoting the hell out of Alicia Keys and Celine Dione. Again, okay.
Some hottie from CSI is onstage. Man! I mean, DAMN! Here comes Martina McBride to sing some country song. I’m going to open my first beer and light up a cigarette. I’m not feeling this. Actually, I do a bit. Nothing special, but it’s the first performance where they let the music speak for itself. Bob Dylan’s son announces that Justin Timberlake beats Warren Zevon. He’s beating a lot of dead people. Justin apologizes for the Janet Jackson incident and announces this is the greatest moment of his life. I guess f*cking Britney wasn’t that good. Getting dull.
Patti Labelle! History Repeating! What a honey! And Janet Jackson is going to be here! Now is the big tribute to Luther Vandros. Alicia Keys starts it off, and I hate the song a lot. One song is done, and we’re back to Patti. Now there’s Celine Dion. We hear the production truck for a little bit as a few people get fired. The whole song is a giant mess as her mike keeps breaking up. So there’s Luther to look like he had a stroke, which he did, and he sings a little something and goes away. Ladies and gents, our first disaster of the night!
Hey, Madonna with no introduction! She gets a nice little ovation. She introduces the guy apparently responsible for Swept Away (he introduced her and her husband Guy Ritchie made such good movies once upon a time) Sting! He’s performing with Sean Paul. This should be interesting. It’s Roxanne It’s kicking ass here comes Sean Paul this wasn’t his song. The whole thing is kind of a train wreck. Hillary Duff and two people I don’t know take the stage and give Christina an award for Beautiful. I’d of paid to see Pink up there. Christina takes a shot at Janet. Cold. CUT TO COMMERCIAL!
Sarah Jessica Parker comes out WHILE Sex In The City is on! Gutsy. She introduces Justin Timberlake and some great trumpet player. Augusto Zanzabar or something. I bet Justin exposes his teat! I don’t recognize the song. Flea informs me Justin is doing Stevie Wonder and Flea wants to kill himself. Here’s Ellen to do another Beatle’s thing, and here comes George Harrison’s widow. We can hear the crowd while she prattles. Here comes Yoko. More Beatles history. She speaks cryptically and slowly and has a message of peace. This whole thing is big tribute to the Beatles who aren’t there. Sorta pointless. 2nd beer time!
Queen Latifah is back! Still pimping her movie! Awesome. She introduces the Black Eyed Peas. Justin Timberlake isn’t singing with them, that’s a little odd. He’s there, they’re there. Oh! There he is. Good song. Good performance. This is my pick for song of the year. Two guys give two old guys lifetime awards and present best female country vocal. June Carter Cash takes it and her son accepts.
Cuba Gooding Jr. gives a lifetime achievement award to Ella Jenkins, and then he introduces Beyonce. Again. Okay. Looks very elegant. They made her stage look like a picture. The whole thing is very nice and artistic but I don’t much care for the song. Beyonce is very pretty though. Standing o and here comes Samwise and Norah Jones. Some guy gets another LAA. And another one. Is Norah Jones a lesbian. OOOOH! Best new artist award! Come on Sean Paul or Evanescence! Anyone but oh good. Evanescence. She’s purty. And 50 walks on and off stage cause he’s a f*cking jerk! What a f*cking jerk. Fuck you 50! You won plenty for getting shot 12 times or whatever! Fucker.
Still pissed at 50. He ruined that girl’s first Grammy. She’ll win many more and he’ll never get nominated again except in the rap categories. SAMUEL JACKSON! THE CHURCH OF FUNK! This is going to f*cking rule. Earth Wind and Fire start us off. Shooting Star is awesome and now Earth Wind and Fire play with OutKast! I Love the Way You Move starts us off this song is so f*cking good. Here comes the guy with the umbrella! P Diddy’s butler or whatever I guess Andre is a no show? HERE’S ROBERT RANDOLPH! Never heard of him. He’s good enough. First white guy in the segment is there. Jackson is awesome in this segment, and here comes George f*cking Clinton and P-Funk! What happened after George came on stage was absolutely amazing. Everyone was kicking it! Even the two white people on stage were kicking it! George danced to Ellen and she was kicking it! Everybody was kicking it! FUCKING P-FUNK RULES! I GOTTA GET OUTTA THESE CLOTHES! I’M NAKED! FUCK YEAH!
Dressed again. Snoop and Jason Alexander come out. Jason is kidding about getting married to Britney Spears. Funny. Snoop f*cks up on the cue cards. They introduce the Foo Fighters and some Jazz guy. Fun performance. Good stuff. Here comes Mary J. Blige and some weird guy. The acknowledge the Neptunes. Yay for the Neptunes. Coldplay wins best something, cheating the Black Eyed Peas. They should have ended with the funk thing. Everything that follows is disappointing.
Missy Elliot and Tony Bennet come out to introduce Sarah McLaughlin. That’s just random. Another one of those let the music speak for itself performance, and it’s just fine. Ozzy and Sharon come out and make the crowd laugh! Then Warren Zevon’s kid wins! Nice that Bruce Springsteen wins something. I think that has to happen a lot. Kid thanks his dad and Bruce and begs to know why daddy killed himself and that’s that. Commercial. Still no Hey Ya. Was that why Andre was upset?
In Memoriam: Lots of dead people. Warren Zevon gets a nice send off and then a tribute. Screw him. Did these f*ckers forget about Johnny Cash? Why the hell is everyone forgetting about Johnny Cash? Assholes.
Andy Williams comes out. He’s talking about someone. I have no f*cking clue who. Pierre? 2 people and Babyface and another LAA. Song of the year time! One the other two people is a girl. This girl is an idiot and unfunny. Dance With My Father wins song of the year. Linda Perry got f*cked up the ass. The business manager read a Luther note and the white guy talks about his dad. The President of the Academy or something talks about music. They must fight a lack of music in schools! And downloading. They have an awful commercial I don’t get. They’re retarded. This is the best they could do? Retards.
A big head is stating that OUTKAST IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD! Here’s Andre with alien shit! This guy is a f*cking freak! I love it! Here comes the marching band. GET ON THE FLOOR! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO! Indian Green girls. A marching band! This shit is awesome! Still should have ended with the funk thing. Carlos and someone else are out to present another LAA. Jesus! OutKast wins best album, shutting out my favorite the White Stripes. Andre says some cryptic shit and the show is over.
Look for Flea and Grut do the Grammy’s in the music section soon! On behalf of Stephen Randle and Gloomchen, this is Joshua Grutman wishing you a good week.
