The economy should shed its jobless label this year with the creation of about 2.6 million new positions, the White House forecast Monday. – from Reuters
And I predict the RIAA will file a lawsuit against Neptune, thinking that it’s another music pirating service. My prediction is more likely to come true than that one.
And so another exciting column commences here. There are a helluva lot of questions floating around as another week begins here at Casa del Husker. Can anyone stop Boring Ol’ Ernie other than himself (and he sure made it exciting at Royal Melbourne by collapsing and hanging on)? Can anyone stop Veej at all (wins Pebble, closes in on Jack’s record for consecutive Top Ten finishes)? Why is it that presidential candidates in Russia disappear before dropping out of the race? If being the feature back on two Super Bowl (fixed) winners can’t assure you of holding on to a job, what can? And, of course, the biggest question of all: will Keith show any objectivity whatsoever if Benoit/Flair goes off on Raw as scheduled? Well, at least one of those questions will be answered by the time this column gets posted. Too bad, really; a few years ago, I would have had this week off from covering Raw thanks to the Westminster Dog Show (you noobs will just have to ask someone else about that).
Let’s get on with the rest of it…
THE PIMP SECTION
Widro says that I never pimp him, which is true. He also says that the reason I never pimp him is because I do Tuesdays and Wednesdays and he does Fridays, which is true. The time just doesn’t work out well to do a good, solid, up-to-the-second pimp like I like to do. I’m not the type who does “week in review” bullshit, and that extends to pimps. So, therefore, I’m pimping him now, and, unlike his pimp of me, my pimp doesn’t link to Daniels’ column.
I have to pimp Monroe. But I will say that he is both incredible and fradulent. Except when it comes to beer, of course.
One word to Biscuiti, Matt Isomer: No. For my sake, no.
Do you really want to see Nute shining his wizard?
Memo to Grut: The reason why Dean’s betting on Wisconsin is because the Demo voting population in Wisconsin is Dean-type people. They tend to be activist and change-minded with a reputation for backing mavericks going all the way back to the LaFollette Progressive days. In fact, Wisconsinites of both parties are like that. Tommy Thompson, when he was governor, was as Progressive as a Republican can get these days. So, if Dean can’t do well in Wisconsin, where his campaign and style appeals to voters moreso than in other places, even he knows he’s f*cked. If you need help, my padawan, come to me instead of putting it in the column so everyone can read it, especially with that nonsense about Edwards being a VP pick (didn’t I explain a couple weeks ago that the Demos would NEVER pull two guys out of the Senate at the same time after they win?).
That being said, I had a decent weekend on the political front re: Dean. I picked him as first in Maine, second in Washington, third in Michigan. He finished second in all of them, which means my average finish was right on. I had Washington dead on the money, and he came damn close to finishing behind Edwards in Michigan. So I’ll chalk it up as a good performance on my part as a pundit. Nothing today prediction-wise, because we’ve got Tennessee and Virginia today, and that’s Edwards Country. I will say that Kerry gets a very close second in Tennessee and Clark does miserably and hangs it up. Tomorrow in Black, I’ll probably have a look at Wisconsin (sorry, people in Nevada and DC, but you’re irrelevant).
Laflin needs to chill a bit and realize that Simmons is a hack who’s made his living bitching about Bill Buckner. We do, though, have to start wondering exactly how much of 411 is dependent on the existence of Adams and Peej. Laflin, me, a few other people I can think of…it’s scary. Unfortunately, I got rid of my Illuminati cards a long time ago, but when I had them, I had a pretty kick-ass deck I usually played. Media-based, if I remember correctly.
Badlissi and his obsession with Italian plumbers really needs a good looking into, stat.
You ask Hayhurst stuff when it comes to movies. You ask Posten stuff when it comes to music. It’s that simple. By the way, Memo to Hayhurst: the figure that I’m hearing bandied about for sales on the Flair DVD is 110000.
THE ROYAL SCAM
Okay, gotta comment about the whole Hyatte/Tammy thing.
First of all, Hyatte is a mensch. He could have blown this off and pushed it under the rug so easily that none of you would have ever known (I, of course, did, but, hell, I’m George to his John, as he said yesterday, when all his troubles seemed so far away…wait a second, that was written by Paul…). Instead, he came out and admitted that he got clowned by this guy. That takes a lot of guts, and I admire him for that.
That being said, the signs were there. This dude was pushing TNA way too f*cking much, and then protested as “Tammy” that he/she wasn’t looking for a job with TNA. Well, then, why did you suck up in a very visible manner on a nearly-continual basis if you weren’t looking for a job? That smelled wrong from the start. Of course, it turns out that the guy’s from Kentucky and he’s pushing what for him is a glorified regional fed. If anyone was harmed by this stunt, I’d put TNA at the top of that list. In fact, if I was Hyatte, I’d be sending mails to Jeff Jarrett with this guy’s name and address. I’m sure that he’d think that some hillbilly she-male pretending to be someone in the business pimping his fed like it was no tomorrow was not a good thing, and would take measures to ensure that this guy learned his lesson.
There was also the issue of the fact that this person was rather…well, articulate and came across with some intelligence. Tammy Sytch is a brainless crack whore, and you can tell by the way she wrote that “retirement” missive. “Tammy” came across as far too smart for someone who’s spent the last half-dozen years addled on drugs. Of course, Hyatte’s spent the last half-dozen years being drunk out of his mind for every column, and he comes across intelligently. In other words, who knows? Maybe Hyatte’s condition played a role in his believing the she-male.
That being said, Hyatte wasn’t stupid. Not by a long shot. He did what he considered to be sufficient due diligence, and only after that did he believe that the she-male was indeed Tammy Sytch. There are differing levels of what people would consider proper due diligence in this area. Hyatte had a lower threshold of belief than, say, Flea would. Flea’s a professional businessman who’s cut some bad-ass deals in his time. He knows the legal definition of due diligence, and applies every measure to be considered STRAC by the FTC. He would apply that same level of diligence to identifying whether or not this was the real thing (and he has a number of ways to do it that Hyatte doesn’t). My level of due diligence is higher than Flea’s, but that’s for a few reasons: 1) I’m a paranoiac. 2) I have no third party I can go to for assistance. 3) There are too many people out there who’d get off on taking me in. 4) I’m a scientist by nature and demand an incredible amount of proof to any assertion. What I would demand from someone claiming to be a person in the business would drive that person away. The point is that I believe that Hyatte satisfied himself to his level of credulity before entering into this. He was sincere that this was indeed who the person said she was, and presented that honestly to the audience. He’s not to be blamed because he ran into a very elaborately-staged scam.
So, how to conclude? I’d like to address a little message to the she-male. You, sir or ma’am, did something that might have unintended consequences. You see, you hurt the credibility of 411. Hence, you hurt 411. That does not make me a happy camper. In other words, you pissed off someone who is not only publicly mentally ill, but someone who has violent tendencies incorporated into that mental meltdown mix. If I get your name and address, you’ll find out what it’s like to be a woman. If I let you survive the removal of your genitals.
TELL IT TO THE CHINESE
From the Torch electronic edition:
A rumor is making its way around many of the internet Guns n Roses message boards that the band will perform at WrestleMania XX. Obviously at this point this is just a rumor.
So which GnR is this? Axl and his sidemen or the talented guys in the band back together? Frankly, I don’t care. Chinese Democracy is the Duke Nukem Forever of music, a decade in the making with absolutely zero results. BFM stated something in regard to my statement of how no matter how much you hate a group, there’s one song by them you like, and that’s that the corollary of that is true: no matter how much you like a group, there’s one song of theirs that you hate. For GnR, that song is “Sweet Child o’ Mine”. I f*cking LOATHE that song to no end. I can listen to Appetite forever, but when that f*cker comes on, boom, on to the next song.
What I’m saying is that if I like them, GnR has to be irrelevant. And therefore they are irrelevant to WM.
SOMETIMES THE ONES INVOLVED ARE THE LAST TO KNOW
From the increasingly-irrelevant 1bullshit:
Many backstage in WWE are second guessing the company’s creative plans as WrestleMania XX draws closer. Some feel that nothing planned for the card stands out as the type of blockbuster match expected for WrestleMania XX.
Well, join the f*cking club. We’ve been talking about how nothing stands out for the last few months now, ever since the Road to Wrestlemania started to become clearer courtesy of some ill-timed leaks to various and sundry.
Here’s one of the main problems: due to their continual focus on the same old people, even if they aren’t contributing in any positive fashion (yes, Trip, Wife-Beater, and Flex come to mind immediately), and the consequent neglect that occured in creating replacements for those people due to Vince’s desire to ride the horse until it plotzes, there aren’t many available matches that would qualify to be a blockbuster.
People in the IWC don’t want to hear this, but Kurt Angle just doesn’t put a spark up anyone’s rectum. Neither does Chris Benoit, tragically. Or Eddy Guerrero or John Cena or Brock Lesnar. They’re great, yeah, but not…well, mythical. That’s what WWE used to do so well. They turned men into myths if they chose to. Hogan, Savage, Warrior, Undertaker…it’s that larger-than-life thing that makes for a blockbuster when it comes to WM. It’s the difference between Joseph Campbell and Campbell’s Soup. Their inability or unwillingness to try to mythologize those men in favor of the more realistic approach (which I and many others prefer, but which is a weakness in this discussion) has left WM without its “blockbuster”.
That being said, there is one possible “blockbuster” match, and it’s one that seems to have had its genesis on Raw. It’s now needed to happen. Austin and Goldberg are mythic. They’ve never met before. This is probably Goldie’s last WWE match. They’re not going to ignore the possibility.
And, if we must, let’s discuss Raw, total borefest that it was…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus over Molly Holly and Matt Hardy, Mixed Tag Match (Pinfall, Stratus pins Holly, victory roll): Ah, an opening match with, well, nothing to recommend it. I hate matches that are in service to angles, and this one was in service to two: the Trish/Jericho/Christian situation and the Hardy negative push. That leaves Molly sorta just hanging around there waiting to lose, and it showed. Dull, dull, dull.
God the Son over God the Father (Submission, Crossface): You cannot judge this one on an objective basis, especially by 2004 standards. This was a pure old-school match, but one that wasn’t given enough time to develop (no, it wasn’t enough time). Therefore, it probably came across as a little plodding to most viewers. No f*cking way. This was Flair and Benoit, one on one, with no interference or hijinks. My biggest complaint about the match, other than the lack of time given to it, was that it was way too by-the-numbers for both guys. It was a spot-fest, in a sense, with each man hitting their own trademark routines (the Flop, the rolling Germans, etc.). However, I’ll take a spot-fest with Flair and Benoit over anything. More, more, more, more, more.
Kane over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, chokeslam): Oh, who cares? Just get on with the Undertaker vignette, okay?
Randy Orton over Booker T and Rob Van Dam, Triple Threat Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, Orton pins Booker, Van Dam Five-Star Frog Splash): I can imagine the booking meeting for this one: “Okay, Randy, just let Booker and Rob do their thing, and try to follow along. When Rob hits the Splash, just push him out of the way and go for the pin. Don’t strain yourself too much. You can take out all of the energy on Foley before the match.”
Angle Developments:
The Unholy Three: Goldberg, Vince, and Austin all in the same promo? I set phasers on “Ignore” faster than Janeway can grab a cup of coffee. Thank God Heyman showed up, otherwise it would have been fifteen minutes of complete waste. However, I have been saying all along that Goldberg/Austin was in the plans for WM. This seems to offer some proof for my assertion.
Shawn Michaels, Destroyer Of Worlds: Damn, Trip cut a great promo at the transition. If the quality could have been kept up until WM, the angle between him and Benoit could have gone off without Benoit having to say a word and would have maintained every bit of intensity that a world title match at WM deserved. But then Michaels came sauntering in, and all of our worst fears are being realized. Now, last week, I stated the conditions upon which I could live with this match, but the way they’re doing this doesn’t appear to be anything close to what I’d like to see out of it if it’s really a fait accompli. Damn them. And, no, I won’t even forgive them if Benoit goes over.
As I said, Raw was so boring that I couldn’t get myself up for it. Yeah, this was a short one. Hopefully there’ll be more tomorrow over in Black that I can chew over. See you there.
