Welcome to another addition of the Black Cloud. If you read Eric S, my name is Joshua Grutman and I’m trying to be smarter than I actually am.
See, Eric read my analysis of the 2000 election in which I tried to prove that Ralph Nader had a minimal impact on the election in all but two states, and even in those two states exit polls suggested that the outcome would not have been different had Nader not been in the race. So I presented the numbers and Eric basically called me an idiot, and then he blamed Ralph Nader for costing Gore the election by receiving 22,188 votes in a state where over 550,000 votes were cast. According to www.presidentelect.org, in 1996 Ross Perot received 48,387 votes, and even with every single one of Perot’s votes Dole would have lost New Hampshire to Clinton by over 2,000 votes. Even with Nader in the race, Gore received 20,000 more votes in New Hampshire than Clinton did in 1996. You also have to consider that the Republicans have won New Hampshire every election since 1968 except for 92 and 96, and usually they won by a pretty large margin. According to the 1996 exit polls, Perot received 58% of his votes from independents, 24% from Republicans and 18% from Democrats. There was only 6% separating his support amongst Republicans and Democrats.
The most telling question in the 2000 New Hampshire exit poll asked the voters no matter who they voted for, what party did they regard themselves as associating with. 24% of the respondents said they were Democrats. 1% of them said they voted for Ralph Nader. From Democrats, Nader received .24% of the total vote. 32% said they were Republicans, and 2% of them said they voted for Ralph Nader. Nader received .64% of the total vote from Republicans, just a little less than 3 times the amount of votes he received from Democrats.
What does this all mean? It means that there are people in New Hampshire who are set on casting their vote for the viable third party candidate. You can not convince me that at least half the people who voted for Nader in 2000 wouldn’t have voted for Bush if they voted at all. Ralph Nader didn’t cost Al Gore a damn thing in a state that has been won by the Republicans in every election since 1968 except for 1992 and 1996, and the only time a third party candidate has effectively cost anyone an election there was in 1992 when Perot obviously destroyed Bush.
The numbers lie sometimes, but the numbers are the numbers. There is not one shred of evidence that Eric S can bring forward to show that Gore would have beaten Bush in New Hampshire had Nader not run, except of course for the fact that Eric S is so much smarter than me. If he says it, it must be true. SCREW YOU ERIC! I HAVE THE NUMBERS!
By the way, I honestly love Eric and I wish he’d stop attacking me from time to time, especially when he is wrong. How can I be mad at the guy who taught me how to use my computer for evil so well?
If you made it through all of that and you’re still awake, let’s see what is in the news.
Who Won The Oscar, And Who Gives A Crap?
I am writing this at 3 PM on Sunday afternoon, and I can tell you that Lord of the Rings won best picture.
And now it’s midnight, and there wasn’t one surprise. Not one. Lord of the Rings swept everything, Billy Crystal was funny at times and horribly unfunny at other times, Bill Murray lost to Sean Penn (who gave the worst speech of the night), and Jack Black and Will Ferrell were the funniest.
Getting back to Bill Murray for a second, the look of disappointment on his face when he lost was surprising. I don’t think he even clapped. On the other hand, he has become the best actor in Hollywood these past four years and he deserves to be acknowledged. Man was he awesome in Lost In Translation. I think he got hoodwinked. Then again, I think Collin Ferrell should have been nominated for his portrayal of Bulls-Eye and his work in Phone Booth so what the hell do I know?
A few corrections for those who watched the show and thought some of the nominations were off. Seabiscuit wasn’t nominated for anything. Every time they said Seabiscuit they meant American Splendor or Whale Rider. When you heard one of the songs from Cold Mountain, that was a technical error. You should have heard School of Rock from the movie by the same name. For some reason they gave Diane Keaten a nomination for best actress, I’m pretty sure they meant Scarlett Johansson.
So no surprises. Nothing hilarious or that memorable. It was basically a three hour blowjob for Return of the King, and I could have hired a hooker to do that for 50 bucks. Maybe a little bit more than 50. I guess it depends on the quality of hooker.
Next year, Jim Carrey vs. Anthony Hopkins vs. mmmm let’s say Kevin Spacey! Now that’s a battle! Go Jimmy!
And now here’s my most favorite writer on the planet on the Internet in my column, Gloomchen with
Nihilism and Cupcakes
Update on last week’s debt fun fiasco: I finally got my turquoise star, I’m so cool. In the meantime, the sheriff showed up at my door with small claims court papers on Friday. This particular card debt which I will need to clear immediately isn’t too awful, but every little bit helps. Plus, you’re helping me clean my house.
Update in general: I can also be found reviewing things over on 411 Music. I’d link to myself, but my ego is very, very small.
Now then, onto more important things:
Hair.
It’s well known that I’ve been a metalhead since my wee years of worshipping Jon Bon Jovi (hey, all metalheads have to start somewhere) and therefore my years of puberty were marred with fantastical delusions of future intercourse with boys who looked a little too much like girls. Gunnar Nelson. Nuno Bettencourt. Sebastian Bach. No pretty boy got past me without a good once-over.
Hell, I even remember smashing Little Debbies cakes into the posters on my best friend’s wall of these gorgeous boy toys. This was, of course, followed by licking them off. Ahhh, sweet youth.
Naturally, although my music taste has since swung away from being solely based upon the looks of the band members and more into the actual sound, I’ve still got a taste for the long hair. It’s worse than beer goggles, really; even stone sober, the ugliest man is somehow a mad-style hottie if he has long hair. This has led me to some embarrassing crushes in the past on boys who were certainly not worthy of my transfixion, yet I only discovered this post-shearing.
I never put much thought into my odd little fetish over the years. I’ve never actually dated anyone with long hair, so it was more of an aesthetic chunk of my fantasies without ever seeming attainable. No harm done. That is, of course, until I started dating my current boyfriend, Matt. His hair wasn’t all that long when we started seeing each other, but over a year later, it’s nearly shoulder-length. He usually wears it pulled back anyway and although it’s cool as hell, it’s always just kind of been there and I’ve taken it for granted. I didn’t realize, however, just how much this one small feature meant to me until this past week.
Matt just got a job where he’s required to cut his hair.
My first instinct was REBELLION! Hide it under a hat! Deftly ignore orders! BE THE BAD DUDE WHO DOES NOT FOLLOW RULES!
But, the job pays really, really well. Of course, I’d like him to have a lot of money because I’m a typical materialistic female who wants presents. Honestly though, it doesn’t come down to rocket science: it’s only hair. Hair grows. Summertime is coming, it might even be more practical to cut it now anyway. Over and over again I tell myself these things, but I cannot help but weep for the mop top. I have frequent urges to run up behind him and scalp him; then, with the chunk of hair hanging from my mouth and my eyes bulging, I get down on all fours and race to my cave where the hair will be safe.
Of course, the irony in all of this comes in one hilarious shape. Last weekend, I cut about 4-5 inches off my own hair without even so much as warning Matt. He, like many men, likes women with long hair. My answer to his whining was, “it’s only hair. Who cares?”
I don’t feel like talking about the news right now. Let’s talk about tv.
TV is going to suck again very soon, and where is it now?
CSI bores me. I’ve never made it through an entire episode. WWE programming is hit or miss. I’ve been enjoying the Cena-Eddie-Angle show on UPN, but the HHH Happy Fun Time Variety Two Hours is boring me to tears. I’ve never seen The OC, I did the 90210 and Melrose Place crap and I’m sorta soap operaed out for the rest of my life. ER is so done, ditto NYPD Blue and even my favorite show to watch in reruns, The West Wing.
Fraiser got good again. It’s going off the air. Angel has been f*cking awesome this season, totally changing the basic plot and becoming a completely different, better show. It has been cancelled. The old stand by Friends is going off the air, to be replaced with half an hour of Joey. Okay. The Simpsons is mostly still good, but every year you have to be worried about how much longer it’s going to last. South Park is awesome and Chappelle’s Show is awesome, but with the FCC going batshit I worry about the fate of both of these shows. Conan is the only network program I enjoy that I don’t worry will soon be off the air or completely censored. Hell, Arrested Development was brilliant and it will be gone sooner than later. Thanks a lot for watching it you dicks!
The last bastions of great television will be Comedy Central and HBO. Reno 911, South Park, Chappelle’s Show, The Daily Show, The Sopranos, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Carnivale, and Gatti boxing matches will soon be the only reason to watch television religiously. Maybe it’s time to start reading.
It is time to start reading! Here with the sports is my own little me, Stephen Randle and
The Short Sports Report with Stephen Randle
Yes, it’s another beautiful day up here in Guelph, Ontario, Canada, as the snow melts juuuuust enough to give us hope before Mother Nature smacks us around and reminds us that it is, indeed, still winter. Anyway, weather like this, a guy like me, it makes me think about writing about sports. What a coincidence, I have a column to write about that very subject! Well, okay, most of that was a lie, but I have put off watching Runaway Jury until I finish this because it means just so much to me. Plus Grut threatened me until I promised I’d finish the column. With that in mind, away we go!
This week is all about the NHL trade deadline, and the story there is the Washington fire sale, where you can pick up the second-best scorer in the league for a guy you weren’t ever planning to use anyway. And how does the worst team in the league have the second-best scorer, anyway? This is not a Mario Lemieux situation. Moving on, with Lang, Bondra, and (lest we forget) Jagr all exiting the U.S. capital (about which, thanks to my readers, I now know waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much), the clock is running down on Washington’s last two high-priced superstars, Olaf Kolzig and Sergei Gonchar. Also selling off their worthless crap are the New York Rangers, the team with so many former all-stars, it would be virtually impossible to make a bad team. And yet, they have managed to do so on a pretty consistent basis anyway. Look for Brian Leetch to finish the season with a contending team, probably whichever team doesn’t manage to get Gonchar.
Not only are players on the move, two coaches have been given the boot. Phoenix dropping their coach is no shock, but the loss of Quenneville in St Louis is a surprise, and has reportedly upset most of the players. This may be one of those few times where a big shakeup may not have been the best move, and the result may have the former top contending Blues on the outside come playoff time, especially in such a tight Western Conference race.
Over in golf, Tiger Woods won again. I’ll give you a second to pretend you didn’t see it coming. With Weir winning last week, golf is at the forefront of Canadian sports news right now (as happens when any Canadian wins a sport we aren’t usually good at), and all it’s making me do is wish that the damned snow would melt so I can start playing again. Tiger may play the best rounds of golf known to mankind, but you haven’t lived until you’ve played bad golf.
Speaking of sports that you can play better with a few beers in you, the Scott Tournament of Hearts wrapped up this weekend, and I doubt anyone outside Canada cares. I just liked the segue it set up.
Taking a look at basketball, aside from most of the top players going on injured reserve, there’s not much flying above the radar. Though the Raptors are on a nine game losing streak, and including last season, have not won a game without Vince Carter in the lineup. I know, it’s a team sport, but sometimes you have to wonder just how much one man affects a game.
Speaking of which, if you think the “Eddie†chants are loud on Smackdown, you should have watched the Leafs play on Saturday. Sure, the fans will be calling for someone’s head tomorrow, but for now, we are sated. Plus, they shut out New Jersey. They NEVER shut out New Jersey.
Over in baseball, the Yankees didn’t do anything, Boston didn’t do anything, and so, no one reported any baseball news. You know, there’s like 28 other teams, right?
And that’s the way I saw the sports world this week. In a bit of a teaser, some of the writers have been throwing around the idea of doing some Black Sports Roundtables on current issues in sports, so keep your eye out. Now to go see if Dark Alliance II is as good as Lucard claims. He knows his games, but I still can’t completely trust someone who didn’t like Chrono Trigger. Back to Grut. Or, as seems more usual, the end of the column. That’s right, saving the best for last. Oh yeah.
NOT THIS TIME RANDLE!
What’s news?
Good question!
Mel Gibson making a movie about Jesus Christ is NOT NEWS. It is a movie. I don’t give a crap if it says that Jews killed Christ and the Holocaust was fake. It’s still just a movie. You make it more than that when you make it news! Stupid Jewish groups and Barbara Walters, this 130 million dollar opening is all your doing and all your fault!
The President of Haiti fleeing for his life is NEWS. The US deploying Marines to the nation is news. I bet that’s going to work out great for us, but there honestly was no choice. I just hope that the US soldiers are able to use our current golden image in the eyes of the international community and not get into too many scuffles down there. As a rule, anything that involves our troops is news.
Gay weddings are NEWS. Anything that challenges an unjust law is news. It is brave and bold and we shouldn’t be able to turn our heads from it. Whether it was the right thing to do is besides the point.
Rosie O’Donnell getting gay married is NOT NEWS. There is nothing interesting or compelling about this butch white former Oprah wannabe. She no longer acts, she no longer heads up a magazine and she no longer has a talk show. She’s not even a proper punchline anymore. Please God, let her get off the front page of my newspaper. She does not belong there.
Iraq ratifying a constitution that will center around Islam is not just news, it’s THE WORST NEWS! You thought human rights were bad under Saddam? He’s going to look like Santa Claus by the time the Shiites are done removing any last trace of westernization from their land. He already did sort of look like Santa Clause with his beard. Anyway, once this constitution is signed we will have giving Islamic radicals control over yet another Middle Eastern country, and those guys just LOVE us.
Howard Stern getting kicked off the air in six markets is hmm NOT NEWS sorta. There are bigger implications, but well hmm. I think that most entertainment bosses are going to flip out over the crass stuff for a little bit in response to the response to nipplegate 04′, and then everything will go back to normal. Believe me, everyone said entertainment would never be the same again after 9/11, but the same again it is. If we could overcome that to return to farts and racial slurs, we’ll overcome a nipple. Just my opinion.
For Gloomchen and Stephen the Randlest, this is Joshua Grutman wishing you a good week.
p.s.: I love you.
