So I was watching “Curb Your Enthusiasm†last week. It occurred to me that clearly this country needs to deal with the “race issue.†Slavery’s been over for decades and Blacks have been “legal equals†for dozens of years, yet race relations haven’t made serious strides since the 1970’s. I mean aside from the omnipresent Neptunes and the occasional Super Bowl Half Time show Blacks and whites are still kind of uptight around each other.
Let’s face it; Caucasians are uncomfortable when it comes to race. And that nervousness translates into foolish things spewing out of their mouths. Not hate filled diatribes (that are oddly missing from 411Black) but just cultural faux pas, like that hilarious scene from “Ocean’s 11†with Matt Damon and Bernie Mack. It’s kind of funny that after all these years Blacks are still a fairly unknown quantity to whites.
I’ll be honest, at times I feel sorry as I watch them squirm. But there is something genuinely entertaining about watching whites mentally tip toe through the racial minefield, knowing that one erroneous step could result in an explosion of catastrophic proportions. It is also kind of sad that at times they can’t say what they feel for fear of being labeled a racist. But that conscious biting of the tongue no only prevents them from getting their point across, but it really kills any real dialogue about race.
For instance I was talking to a co-worker and she was talking about a guy, maybe ten feet away. She said, “He is the “African American†gentleman.†Why did she feel the need to whisper “African American?†Who knows? Did she whisper it because it was supposed to be some big secret, that no one was supposed understand? Did she think that I was going to be offended that she was referring to him as “African American?†It was adorable and sad, and indicative of the problem this country has with race.
Yet another co-worker felt the need to point out how “cool†and “smooth†Black people are “because they can pull of styles that whites can’t.†I suppose I was supposed to be flattered. I mean, who wouldn’t love being part of a “cool†and “smooth†race? Gee, he might as well have told me that Blacks were really good at sports, and could dance really good. I guess that he thought that by his observation I would discern that he was one of the “good†white folks who were “down.†Y’know kind of like abolitionists in the 1800’s and liberals in the 1960’s. Again it was funny, sad, and frightening because it shows how relations have really stagnated.
But I have an idea that I think would put us on the road to recovery, in terms of race relations.
Imagine a reality TV show that was a cross behind “Around the Horn†and “American Idol†called “Race Matters.â€
The initial rounds would be the selection process. Thousands of hopefuls would compete to represent their race on televised debates. How well would Bill O’Reilly fare? How far would Tavis Smiley get? Perhaps Matthew Perry, eager to shed his career-defining role as “Chandler†would thrust himself into the race. Not to mention all of the unknowns that are striving for political power, but sadly don’t have millions of dollars to finance a campaign.
Of course there would be judges involved. The way I see it there would be four judges, two white and two Black. Two judges, one Black and one white, would be constant. The other two would be “wild card†judge, changing ever week.
Personally I feel that Kevin Powell from the first “Real World†would be excellent as the constant Black judge. I think that he is intelligent and educated enough that I trust him completely. Now as far as the constant white judge, I’m drawing a blank. So that means I’m going for Hollywood’s (white) everyman; Tom Hanks.
Of course the wild card would be wild cards. One week it would be David Duke and Master P, the next it would be George and Bill Clinton. After that it would be Armstrong Williams and Rush Limbaugh. If the show was on Fox I was thinking that for sweeps we could get Tupac and exhume Strom Thurmond.
The selection process could work in two ways. It would be held in various cities, ala “American Idol†or it could be used by submitting video taped applications, ala “The Real World.†Either way there would be 49 semifinalists.
Now the judges would judge them just like your speech teacher graded you in class. Clarity, persuasiveness, pronunciation, knowledge, and confidence would all be important factors. In the preliminary rounds the contestants would stand before the judges and take a stand on one of the following issues; Nipplegate, Cocaine sentencing laws, The OJ Trial, the Death Penalty, the Michael Jackson allegations, Affirmative Action, are “Black comedians†racist, and the overall conspiracy by “the Man†to keep a brotha down.
The judges would then decide if the case put forth passed the muster. But at the end of an episode it would really fall in the hands of the American people, after all that is who these folks would potentially represent. Again ala “American Idol†the two with the most votes would progress to the next round. So at the end of seven weeks there would be 14 finalists.
But wait Tom would be allowed to pick one white person, who didn’t get enough votes to get into the finals. The same goes for Kevin.
Once in the finals the Blacks and whites would compete in an Academic Bowl time situation, where whites would be asked questions about Black culture and vice versa. If the team gets the question wrong then the other team has a chance to steal the point. The team who gets the most points wins, obviously. Do whites know more about Blacks because of the abundance of Hip Hop, BET and Spike Lee movies, or have years of “Must See TV†clued Blacks in on the “white way of life?†Whoever wins gets the opportunity to make a decision that could greatly influence the outcome of the entire show.
At this point the contestants are pared up, one Black and one white, for a debate. The team that got the most points in the Bowl gets to decide where they want to stand on the issue. Again the issue will be similar as before, but with a few extra thrown in like: is spanking wrong, is it ok to use the N word, and who was the better Black leader Malcolm X or MLK?
As the tournament progresses the public would determine the winner. The team that lost would have to regroup and decide whom they sent into the next round. It would be more of a point scale, than actually elimination type tournament, however the “winner†of each round would have to move to the next one. Eventually there would be two champions.
The final episode would be kind of anticlimactic, as the two finalists, who have been taught that each other is the “enemy†to be defeated, don’t actually face off. They would go out to lunch and just talk about things. This way we could truly see if we can “just get along.â€
Worst-case scenario, a lot of dirty laundry gets aired and people would have things not only to talk about, but also to discuss. If “American Idol†has showed me anything it is that one show can take up “water cooler†chat and morning radio shows. Now imagine if that one show was actually relevant and concerned a topic that needed to be addressed.
Do yourself a favor and read everything else on 411Black, as I’m sure it is thoroughly more informative and/or entertaining.
