In Memoriam: Spaulding Gray, now that his body’s been found. Anyone who makes me look stable deserves an In Memoriam.
Breaking News: Jeff Garcia has agreed to come to Tampa in order to try to fill the shoes left by Hercules Hernandez. “It’s going to be difficult,” Garcia’s father and mouthpiece said. “Jeff may not have the height or musculature of Hercules, but he does know how to be a stiff.” Many commentators feel that the Bucs’ porous O-line will give Garcia a number of opportunities to lay down for opponents, a Hernandez specialty. In related news, Paul Roma stated that he will be meeting with Garcia and his father later this week in order to form a tandem with Garcia. The team’s tentative name is “Power and Glory Hole”.
Oh, God…let’s see, defame the dead, capitalize on an NFL free agent rumor, bring up the old “Garcia is gay” thing, all in one opening paragraph. Why do I do shit like this, other than to show off what a creative kind of guy I am? I have no clue. All I know is that I needed a lead, and that’ll have to do. It’s not like I can sink a long-distance eagle in a playoff like Craig Parry did on Sunday. I’ve been doing this now for a little over four years, and it takes effort sometime to get yourself to come up with a killer lead. I don’t feel like putting in the effort. I’d rather be giving the Hall of Fame induction speech for Greg Valentine (who I happen to like). Ah, screw it. I don’t have time to waste mulling over this kind of shit.
On to the normal weekly bunch of crap…
THE PIMP SECTION
According to my mother, who wouldn’t lie about something like this, the old bat, when I was still an infant and another infant started to cry, I would attempt to reach out from my stroller and belt the whiny little bitch/bastard. That makes Gloomchen a wimp in my book.
Gagnon is starting to get his sense of humor back. We hope.
Nute kicks off our “Wrestlemania From Each Individual Writer’s Perspective” festival and eschews diacriticals at the same time. God love him.
Campbell does love his Jap shit, even when it’s heavily gaijin-oriented (which, come to think of it, is a really weird pun that I hold myself not responsible for).
Obal‘s check is in the mail. Unfortunately, I can’t send the complimentary blowjob he deserves through the mail.
Memo to Hayhurst: all my pimps are shellackings. Ask Fernandez. And Selznick was gone from MGM again by the time he won his back-to-back Best Pictures and was affiliated with United Artists as an independent (in fact, he left three years prior to GWTW’s release). The deal for MGM to distribute GWTW was done simply to get Gable; Selznick had a deal on the table with Warners that was better for him than the MGM deal, but gave up on it because he felt the fans of the book wouldn’t accept anyone but Gable as Rhett. In fact, Selznick almost didn’t end up doing the deal, Gable or not, because of the hatred that he had working for his father-in-law Louis B. Mayer when he was at MGM and Mayer was trying to push him to replace the soon-to-be-dead Irving Thalberg. He spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether or not a Bette Davis/Errol Flynn team as Scarlett/Rhett would be palatable to the audience, and only when he convinced himself that it wasn’t did he suck up his pride and cut the deal. Hey, I know my Hollywood history.
I’m right there with Laflin in re: Derrick Thomas. I’d have the same reaction that Laflin did to Cena if he came out in Chicago in a Brian Piccolo jersey. Tribute, nothing more. And I actually have some hope regarding Tomb Raider now that Crystal Dynamics has control over the series. Getting it away from Core was long overdue. By the way, I absolutely hate Bull Durham.
Melchor will be appearing live at a club near you soon. Check your schedules.
Erhardt has a concept for a reality show that we’d all love. Plus, spitting in the face of John Byrne isn’t too bad. Shortly after Uncanny #137 came out, I was at a small con where Byrne was appearing (during his first major bout with the celebrity that would destroy any pretense of controlling his ego), and I yelled out to the crowd waiting for an autograph, “Who here thinks John’s Watcher sucks?”. The entire crowd, pissed because Byrne was three hours late and because everyone had read an interview with him in Comics Journal a few months before that was a piece of self-serving crap, started to cheer, and all Byrne could come up with was a lame “Well, I wanted to draw it like Kirby” excuse that no one bought. And that was before he used Superman as an Ego Dildo ™. You can imagine how much I’ve hated the guy since then.
I KNOW “PHILADELPHIA” HAS GREEK ROOTS, BUT THIS IS TAKING IT TOO FAR…
Everyone has already had their chuckle/head-down-moaning moment over Rob Feinstein, and I don’t feel like joining them. This is one man’s tragedy that has affected all of us because of his position in the wrestling community, and we’re all fearing some kind of second-hand smear over his actions. All I can say over an infinite loop of the “Sodomy” production number from Meet the Feebles is this:
0) Apparently, I had the wrong target when I said that it was Paul Heyman who had a sexual preferences for Chinese boys. I was geographically close, though.
1) Pedophilia is a sickness in addition to being a crime if acted upon. Feinstein has never stated the magic words that would get him off the hook and have mainstream attention focus away from wrestling in regard to this matter: “I need help, and I’m going to get it.” Instead, he’s in denial, and left himself open to being a target.
2) The IWC and wrestling survived the Lionel Tate accusations, which were far more heinous than anything involving Feinstein (an easily-influenced kid trumps an adult insider who may not be in control of his hormones, just as murder trumps pedophilia). Unlike with Tate, however, the IWC should talk about this and make it clear to any journo who doesn’t know us that we don’t approve, and he’s not representative of wrestling fans. The fact that we didn’t speak about the Lionel Tate accusations was a factor, I believe, in the story keeping its legs for as long as it did, and was able to deal some damage.
3) There are doubts surrounding this situation, doubts which are starting to take form with many people in the IWC. I won’t say anything more about this other than the fact that a wrestling writer here at 411 is starting to work on a piece that will express those doubts in a clear form. I will say that there’s a lot more to the picture than can be discerned by just looking at Feinstein.
But the sight of everyone turning against Feinstein due to this is incredible. It points out that there was more involved in ROH than what was publicly revealed or sniffed out, a level of dissatisfaction with Feinstein that goes beyond him getting caught with his hands in the chicken jar. It’s the only way to explain the overreaction. Get a load of this pile of disassociation from Dan Maff that Milord and his crew put up at 1bullshit Junior:
Rob Feinstein, I am almost ashamed of myself when I think of the opinion I had of you the day before this happened. Unfortunately, after the recent events that have occured, I think you are nothing but a disgusting pig and a slob with no integrity. I think you have no respect for those who have broken their backs to build your name and the name of your company. As the father of an 11 year old girl who I love, I cannot believe at one point I had any respect for you whatsoever.
Sure Ring of Honor is yours (or was yours), but it was built on the blood, sweat, tears, and physical sacrifices of your roster. I don’t have a problem washing my hands clean and walking away from Ring of Honor forever if you are going to be a part of it from now on. As hard as it would be and as much as it would kill me, because I love ROH and I have made sacrifices for it, thanks to you, the three letters that we have all taken pride putting on our shirts and on our backs, have been tarnished forever. It wasn’t ROH that was on that tape, it was you, but we are the ones forever hurt by your actions. We are the ones that must face the public you won’t face. You ran away on that video, but we are standing firm and hope to build our company (not yours) back to where it was. As far as this situation goes and as far as you are concerned, I am finished with you. I am also finished with your company if you have anything more to do with it, including making a dime off the boys.
To my fellow co-workers in the locker room, we can stick together or we can all walk out together, but we must do this together. That is what we have always done from day one of Ring of Honor. We have made each other look good, together. We have sacrificed ourselves to make each other look good, together. The key word is together – whatever we agree on doing, we all must do it together.
I think my voice will echo the voice of others in the company by saying I will continue to support Gabe Sapolsky and Ring of Honor, but only as long as Rob Feinstein is never a part of this company again.
We the boys and the fans deserve this.
Thank you for your time,
Dan Maff
Now, are you telling me that no one associated with ROH or RF Video had any idea about Feinstein’s inclinations before the video ambush or the exposure? That’s unbelievable to me. This world we inhabit as talent and members of the IWC who observe said talent is too small for secrets as salacious as this one. If someone found out, everyone in the ROH locker room would know in a couple of minutes. The real problem here, as Maff made absolutely clear, was that Feinstein got caught, which is the cardinal sin for anything in this business (and most others). Maff isn’t bitching about Feinstein’s sick behavior; he’s bitching that ROH got a black eye due to Feinstein’s actions, and it becomes harder for him and everyone else in ROH to expand to the point they believe themselves to deserve. This attempt to set up an excuse of “Well, we didn’t know” doesn’t fly at all. Ironically, it’s the indignant tone throughout the missive that undercuts the message. There had to be a deep level of dissatisfaction over the way Feinstein was running ROH that contributed to the vociferous reaction, and the situation became a catalyst for expressing it. Of course, everything had to be couched in terms of Feinstein’s sexual preferences.
Samoa Joe, in yet another statement released by Milord and his motley fools, took the same tack:
Rob please do not allow yourself to EVER enter my sight. My anger for you and your actions far surpass anyone or anything imaginable. Your heinous, terrible acts are beyond excuse and explanation. Your shame is YOURS alone and forced upon us by your arrogance and lies. Though others formerly close to you are holding their tongue and focusing their efforts on salvaging what your sick, selfish and stupid actions have caused, I have the luxury of telling you that I hope you get exactly what you deserve. My gut instinct tells me I hope you are found one morning without breath, but in reality as a DECENT human being, unlike you I hope you find some help for your sickness.
Hmmm, the ever-popular “Get within reach of me and I’ll kill you” reaction. What better way to try to spin the whole thing away from you than to have one of your highest-profile guys issue death threats? Does Gabe know what’s going on with his people, and if so, does he approve? This isn’t the right way for ROH to approach the situation. If they’d had one press release saying “We’d like to get Rob some help, but, for now, we have to take away his authority until he gets that help” and told everyone else to shut the f*ck up, maybe they’d come out of this better. But for right now, having everyone flap their yap to Scherer and his drones isn’t doing ROH any good. Maybe they should call up Heyman and get his advice on how to (the Mass Transit incident) and how not to (the whole TNN imbroglio) get out of a PR nightmare.
Stay tuned. There’s a lot more ugliness yet to come.
I SMELL A LAWSUIT…
Okay, this was heavily covered over the weekend, but my ego has overcome me in this instance, and I must comment.
From the dead-tree Torch:
Talk continues that Vince McMahon may give the greenlight to revive the ECW brand name following WrestleMania XX. The idea right now is to have Paul Heyman get fired from Smackdown and start ECW as a rebel brand. The thinking is that most of the ex-ECW wrestlers will work on the new ECW brand. WWE would promote ECW as a “rebel” brand and not one of their official brands. Shane McMahon may also get involved in this story if it happens, using his power to help Heyman start the rebel ECW group. WWE would keep the budget low for the ECW brand and would eventually expect to run one PPV per quarter for it. The brand would likely get a one hour weekly TV show, probably on Saturday night.
Now, let us go back, back, back into the mists of time, back to my February 3rd column, the last time this possibility came up:
…How do you initiate this? The only way possible, especially if you’re using the ECW name, is to have someone perform a palace coup on Heyman and take over Smackdown. Unfortunately, there is only one logical candidate, and that’s the Bitch of the Baskervilles. So, therefore, we get Steph back on Smackdown. Oh, joy. Maybe Shane can join her to make it a “family” thing. That would at least mean that the one show that has a McMahon in charge would at least have the one McMahon that we actually like.
“Rebel brand”, check. Shane’s involvement, check.
Heyman, though, comes out on his last Smackdown to say that while Steph’s been away, he’s re-signed a number of wrestlers during their contract renewals to personal service contracts to him as GM of Smackdown rather than to Smackdown itself, and he invites anyone who wants to come with him to do so (remember, they’d be on personal services contract to Heyman, thus giving a kayfabe reason for the movement; some of us actually care about this, you know, like Biscuiti, Matt Isomer and PK, who are trying to work up a list for the site of transactions between the brands and are going crazy trying to find rationales for some of them). This includes his choice for color man on the new ECW On Spike, Tazz. A good portion of the old ECW wrestlers, plus guys with some tenuous ECW connections like the FBI, end up defecting, and they’re joined by some conveniently-timed contract-expiring people on Raw like, oh, Rob Van Dam and the Dudleys (anything to get them off of Raw and out of my face). It just so happens that Al Snow’s contract with the Raw brand is expiring, so he joins up as play-by-play man (I think he can do it). Heyman is also able to pull some wrestlers away from TNA like Sandman and bring back some of the old ECW guys who are working indies (metaphorically speaking, of course; give these guys WWE contracts and they’re outta Tennessee so fast it’ll suck the whole state into Kentucky).
Old ECW guys as the core of the new ECW, check, plus a way to do it that makes sense from a legal standpoint.
In other words, give the show the feeling of “the band is back together” and put themselves on a basis that could recapture their core audience from the old days while getting some new blood in the viewership.
Rationale, check.
Oh, they read me. Now if they go through with this and WidShish have the balls to file a copyright infringement suit against them, we’ll all be sitting pretty.
WELL, IT’S NEWS…
According to le Flambeau electronique (it’s also up at 1bullshit and , WWE has donated the first nineteen Wrestlemanias to the Museum of Television and Radio so that said museum can hold a pimp-fest this week in honor of WM being in the same city as said museum (and said museum ended up accepting these; apparently no one there has seen WM9 and WM13). They’re going to charge admission for watching this stuff, too. So what are people going to get for this dumped cash? Let’s go to WWE’s press release on the subject and find out:
From Thursday, March 11 to Sunday, March 14, the Museum’s New York location will screen two WrestleMania highlight programs to coincide with WrestleMania Week in New York. The programs and screening schedule follow:
— Thursday, March 11 and Saturday, March 13 at 3:00 p.m
WrestleMania’s Greatest Matches
This compilation of highlights from WrestleManias I through IV features appearances by Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, “Rowdy Roddy Piper,” “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndoff, and National Football League stars Harvey Martin, Russ Francis, and William “Refrigerator” Perry, who compete in a twenty-man Battle Royal against the likes of Andre the Giant. (55 minutes)
— Friday, March 12 and Sunday, March 14 at 3:00 p.m
WrestleMania’s Greatest Hits
Hulk Hogan, King Kong Bundy, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Andre the Giant, the Million Dollar Man, the Ultimate Warrior, and Sgt. Slaughter are among the World Wrestling Entertainment stars who appear in this compilation of highlights from early WrestleManias. (60 minutes)
Admission to the screenings is included with the Museum’s suggested contribution: Members free; $10.00 for adults; $8.00 for senior citizens and students; and $5.00 for children under fourteen.
So, in other words, you’re going to be popping ten bucks to see a one-hour highlight show of stuff that really aren’t highlights to begin with, like the WM4 Football Battle Royal. Jesus…
You know, I had a bad case of acid reflux on Sunday that I’m still suffering the after-effects of. It’s things like this that cause relapses. I’m already expecting one with “This Is Your Life, Mick Foley”.
And speaking of that, anything else I want to talk about? Cena’s broken hand, big deal. Happy Fun Brock having another temper tantrum? Oh, God, we’ve been through that too many damn times already. So it’s on to Raw, I guess. Hope my stomach holds out…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results
Rene Dupree, Rob Conway, Mark Jindrak, and Garrison Cade over Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Rob Van Dudley, and Booker Dudley, Eight-Man We Can’t Think Of Any Better Pimp For The WM Match Than This Match (Pinfall, Jindrak pins Booker, Wacky Miscommunication): Was this a whole bunch of nothing or what? The only positive I can say about this is that it doesn’t point toward any definitely winner in Sunday’s mess (although you can make the case of eliminating Cade and Jindrak on the “return the job” principle, but I don’t think it applies due to the nature of this match). Next.
Ric Flair and the Junior Birdmen over Novocaine Helms and His Pet Fat Fuck, Handicrap Match (Pinfall, Batista pins Helms, BatistaBomb): The good news is that Flair was healthy enough to put in a little ring time. The bad news is that this match led to an Orton promo. Again, if I need to repeat it, next.
Our Lord and Savior over Matt Hardy (Submission, Crossface): Was it my imagination, or did Matt Hardy get absolutely zero offense in on Benoit? You know, I can understand them wanting to pump Benoit up a little, but he needs it only because they’ve made him look weak going into the Triple Threat. If they’d be a little more consistent about the way they’ve portrayed him over the past few years, I’d feel better about his chances of getting over with the title. But, of course, if the match wasn’t a quick squash, then we wouldn’t have had time to have Trip blather yet again about his superiority. Ya-f*ckin’-hoo.
Molly Holly over Lita (Pinfall, rollup): Let’s see, the title match at WM will be between Molly and Victoria. So what the f*ck are they doing protecting Lita like this? Molly actually looked physically ill having to sell all of Lita’s crappy offense. She was way into Don’t Give A Shitville during the match. The only solace I can carry from this match is that the two best women on the roster are going to be fighting for the title at WM, even if it’s a gimmick match.
Stevie Richards over Chris Jericho…hold it, Stevie Richards over Chris Jericho?! (Pinfall, rollup): Huzzah, another Angle Enhancement Match, as Christian gives Richards a very, very rare Raw victory (and a very rare victory over someone not named Test). There’d better be a good payoff for this one, like both of them rejecting Trish, or accepting a menage-a-trois or whatever they call it in Canada.
Angle Developments:
Crypt-ic Messages: Well, Kane thinks it’s bullshit and so do I, which means he’s a very discerning man indeed. Ross overselling the cheap hydraulics that provided the not-so-special effects, though, was hysterical. If I was impressed by the rest of this buildup, maybe I could have bought into the hyperbole, but considering the low-rent nature of the activities so far, and the undeniable fact that Ross has demonstrated himself to be near-senile, it just didn’t work. It’ll be a fun match, I suppose, but, sorry, not enough to buy the PPV.
Welcome To The Tenth Circle Of Hell: Flex, Novocaine Helms, and his Pet Fat Fuck in the same promo. I left the room quickly in order not to be contaminated. Hell, not even Coachman could save this…wait a second, I just said that Coachman could save a segment? Boy, have things changed.
Ghost Lawyers In The Sky: “Johnny Spade”, huh? I can figure out how that little change came about, PK, since you said you were confused and everything. Imagine this dialogue, if you weeeel…
“WWE Legal Department, this is Denise, how can I help you?…Marvel Comics?…trademark infringement?…name of one of our characters matching one of yours?…no, sir, I don’t know that anyone here has ever heard of Ghost Rider…three decades? Really?…oh, wow…no, no, no, sir, I’ll talk to Ms. McMahon about that. I’m sure there’s no reason to sue…don’t worry, sir, they’re wrestling fans. Once we introduce a renamed character, they’ll immediately forget about the character’s first given name…you’ll see some results on Raw. It’s a minor change…well, sir, you have a nice day too. And be sure to watch Wrestlemania on Pay-Per-View!”
Memo to the Competitive Morons: If you weren’t drooling rednecks, one of you wouldn’t be wearing an NWO Wolfpack T-shirt. Quod erat demonstratum.
A Little Preview Of My Future Damnation: A cute little old lady spouting lame-ass Flex-inspired double entendres. Images rolling through my head of a naked Jimmy Snuka getting busy with a senior citizen. Reminders that the progenitor of this segment scored an 8.2, the highest-ever quarter-hour in Raw history. And all hosted by Flex. Fortunately, I popped a Klonopin prior to Raw, so it was nicely kicked in by the time this came around (be biochemically prepared, that’s my motto). By the way, wouldn’t it have been a little better to have someone other than Snuka come out? How about the guy Snuka landed on that night in 1983, a guy who’s being inducted into the Hall of Fame on Saturday (get another pimp in for that show)? At the very least, he could have said something about taking back his nickname for an unworthy usurper (and done so in coherent English to boot). Missed opportunities, that’s been the clarion call of WWE for three years now. It’s not surprising they blew that one too.
And the negative opinions don’t stop there. Take Semi-Regular Chris Arrington, who sums things up nicely:
So are you puking tonight or just retching?
No, I puked last week. Besides, in order to get rid of that case of acid reflux I mentioned earlier, I took three Prevacid yesterday. I don’t have enough stomach acid left to produce anything but a small puddle of slurry.
I got $10 on you puking the minute you found out about “This is Your Life Mick Foley”.
Cash in on that one.
I know that the original was their highest rated segment of all time but sometimes you can’t go home again. And the worst part is that its taking the teeth right out of the pre-WWE Mick Foley that they tried to bring back out. The Mick Foley I originally fell in love with. And you know that the Rock and Sock have to go over now. I still enjoy Rocky and Mick but no more. Please no more.
Well said, but there is no mercy in WWE-Land. We still have to endure Sunday.
And that’s it for this puppy. Tonight, on Spike, you’ve got the idiotic Ten Best Matches special, only redeemed by the presence of Flair as host. Tomorrow, you can see Haley chatting about it. Read him, because he’s always great. If you don’t, I’ll find out and start doing things to you that you won’t particularly enjoy.
About Eric Szulczewski
