Reviewer: “Starman†Matt Morrison
Story Title: New Mutants (Part One)
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciled by: David Finch
Inked by: Art Thibert
Colored by: Frank D’Armata
Lettered by: Chris Eliopoulos
Editor: Ralph Macchio
Publisher: Marvel Comics
SCENE: The X-Mansion
Xavier: Storm, are you sure that you know nothing about Hank’s disappearance?
Storm: Nothing.
*THUNDER ROLLS IN THE BACKGROUND*
Xavier: And there’s nothing bad that happened between you two?
Storm: No.
*THUNDER ROLLS AGAIN*
Xavier: You are upset about something…
Jean: I thought you didn’t read our minds without permission.
Xavier: I’m not reading her mind, Scott. There’s a major hurricane about to make landfall in New York City and that usually only happens once a month.
Cyclops: Why once a… oh!
Rogue: Just standing her in the background. Saying nothing. Sure would like a line or some character development.
Nightcrawler: Ja. Wish they’d do something with the new mutants they got at the end of the Millar run before introducing even more characters…
SCENE: A Hotel Room. Washington DC
Hank: *sighs*
Xavier: Problems?
Hank: Why don’t you just read my mind and tell me?
Xavier: I’m not doing that, Hank. I never did that. Well, except when I was figuring out who spilled the beans on my having Magneto hypnotized and in a secret identity. And who told the public that we had a mutant who looked like an angel living with us. And to see which one of you stole my Rogaine but otherwise I never read minds without permission.
Hank: Whatever. I’m gone.
Xavier: But why?
Hank: I dunno. Maybe I’m upset because I went on three missions with you and got turned into a giant blue furry freak instead of just a big vaguely human freak. Maybe I’m upset that I’m risking my neck to save people who don’t care about me and who I really don’t think should be saved. Maybe I’m tired of not being called “the blue one†anymore, now that we have Kurt on the team.
Xavier: Who?
Hank: Never mind. Point is, I’m not going back.
SCENE: The White House: Sub-Sub Basement
We See The President sitting at a table. We know he is the President, because he is called the President even though we never get to see his face clearly. He is NOT George W. Bush, because what follows suggests that The President in the Marvel Universe is a complete idiot only concerned with appearances who is being manipulated by corrupt forces in his own cabinet in order to force an agenda that would oppress the rights of a minority group in order to satisfy the whims of a vocal group of religious fanatics. Again, this is TOTALLY FICTIONAL and has absolutely NO BARING WHATSOEVER on today’s society. Really.
The President : Welcome, Ms. Frost. I understand you have a radical idea to help solve our mutant problem. However, I am ready to listen to you and consider what you have to say in a fair and reasonable manner.
Emma Frost: Yes sir.
The President: Now, it says here that you are a mutant?
Emma Frost: Yes…
Guard #1: RIGHT!
*Guards throw Emma Frost down against the table, forcing her hands behind her back*
Guard #1: Under Article V of the Patriot Act, we now have the right to ask frankly anything, including what library books you’ve checked out…
The President: That will do.
Guard #2: But sir! We haven’t even gotten to do the body cavity search yet!
The President: I said, that’s enough. Now, you aren’t going to read my mind are you?
Emma Frost: No sir.
The President: Make me do anything against my will?
Emma Frost: No sir.
The President: Rip the clothes off my body and make me lick your boots?
Emma Frost: Not in this universe, no. All I wanted to do was talk about Charles Xavier. You see, he has apparently banged half the beautiful mutant teachers in the world and I was once a student of his. We disagreed on some things and what I propose is that you build a non-militant group of mutants in order to combat the group under General Fury’s command.
*A monitor comes up showing screen several mutants that are probably going to eventually be in the crowd standing in the background of every issue in the very near future*
The President: Oooh, this is just like American Idol! Well then… yes, yes, no, no… yes, no…
MEANWHILE, in the background.
Random Cabinet Member #1: Generic statement of mutant hatred.
Random Cabinet Member #2: Affirmative Statement of Agreement
Random Cabinet Member #3, who looks like a lot like Stryker from God Loves: Man Kills: May God help us to slay the mutant scum.
SCENE: The Comic Book Store of one “Starman†Morrison.
“Starman†Morrison: *reading through the book* Well, now this is a cool concept. Emma Frost is the non-militant one creating a team of pacifist teachers while Professor X is running a militaristic superhero school. That is something different and unexpected and yet unusually deep and insightful as to the natures of both characters in the 616 Marvel Universe and turning that on its ear.
Fanboy #1: Hey! That looks like Blink in the one screen!
Fanboy #2: Hey yeah, it is! She’s so hot!
“Starman†Morrison: *sighs* The world exists only to mock me, I swear.
