God made my manly nipples solely as window dressing. – Big Daddy
Line of the Year, right there. Close the competition and screw the next nine months.
In Memoriam: Richard Marner, who made it tough for Werner Klemperer to walk away with the title “Best Nazi Colonel In A Hit Sitcom”.
Okay, sorry I blew a pair of close tags on the Wrestling zone column yesterday (actually, I just noticed on my copy that I did it twice). I rarely if ever do that. However, I was trashed due to various and sundry and didn’t bother to double-check like I normally do. Mistakes are made, even by those of us who are more than human. I’ll try to not do that today.
Let’s get on with the festivities…
THE PIMP SECTION
Haley has his usual great contribution.
Memo to Gamble: there are a number of reasons why I posited Gene Mean as the PBP guy on the New ECW. First of all, they’d almost certainly get Confidential’s slot, which leaves him free to do something else. Second, Okerlund is the best interviewer in wrestling history. He knows how to control and channel a promo, which is invaluable for guys who are iffy on the mic. Third, he knows how to enhance an out-of-control color man, and notice that I had Heyman on color. Fourth, he provides the stable center around which the vortex of chaos that is and will be ECW can revolve around, which is the role that Styles played. Fifth, there’s lots of things you can do with him. Can you imagine the comedy potential in Gene Mean trying to become “extreme”? How about if Heyman can goad him into shooting about stuff like having to dance with the Gobbledygooker? If the ECW audience is as wrestling-savvy as we know they are, they’d accept him because they know what exactly he brings to the table.
Memo to Cocozza: “Thriller” by Michael Jackson, rap by Vincent Price. Now start gushing a whole paragraph about how great I am.
Tango Charlie goes off in a spew of vitriol that I have to be impressed with. We’ll have to work on the politics, young padawan, but otherwise you’re well on your way. And I’ll throw in my towel with you and state that f*cking Cyclops as Jesse Custer is an abomination, but the casting of the Saint and Starr are even more critical.
Smilowitz catches you up on who you can see in your clubs and sheds over the next few months.
Challis gets Big Daddy’s dissertations, but he makes sure to give all the good quotable material to me.
Misha goes all blurb on us. We’ll try to get him back for next week, honest.
Stevens, on the other hand, was overloaded. He’s considering voluntary exile in the Phantom Zone.
Walker will get wind of this pimp, leave the Music Zone to start a solo career, then come back in two years after a failed stint at Spin and a month in rehab.
Memo to Erhardt: Funniest comic I’ve ever read? Anything by Giffen between his first JLA and Ambush Bug, Transmetropolitan‘s first dozen issues*, Sandman #8 (Death is absolutely hilarious in her debut appearance), and any of Rorschach’s monologues in Watchmen. They’re so OOT they crack me up every time.
And, finally, NO! You cannot abandon your post, Baxley. I will NOT allow it!
* – Memo to George of the Demented Mind: I don’t read Alternet, but I’ll check it out when I have a chance. I’m contractually unable to comment about Angle as GM due to the fact that this is Black. And you’ve got to get away from the Flex LUV, kid, before it kills you.
REMOVING THE FANGS
Well, well, well. One of the Junta’s major arguments in their favor during this election is that they did “something” about terrorism (well, not really; they invaded Iraq, which has nothing to do with anything), implying that the Clinton Administration and, by extension, Democrats did not. So what does the Junta lack-of-brain trust think about George Tenet, the head of the CIA, coming out during the September 11th hearings yesterday and telling everyone that the Clinton Administration did, in fact, take active measures against al-Qaeda? Doesn’t that neuter a very, very key campaign plank and cast a lot of doubt on the assertion that John Kerry won’t be as “tough” on terrorists as Dubbaya? Remember, this isn’t Al Franken talking. This is the nation’s top spook, the guy whose business it is to know about things like this.
And now we find out that there was some confusion going on at Langley about what they could do regarding Osama bin Laden. Sandy Berger, Clinton’s National Security Adviser, put out that bombshell earlier today. The CIA thought that their hands were tied, and that bin Laden could only be killed in the pretext of a snatch/takedown. The Clinton boys wanted bin Laden taken out, period. Berger also threw out a couple more photon torpedoes in the general direction of the Starship Junta. He told the committee that the FBI said that al-Qaeda did not have a significant presence in the US and that the Bureau had them “under control”. He also said that he specifically told Condi Rice about the threat from terrorism in general and al-Qaeda in particular, and she, essentially, blew him off. Direct hit, shields are down.
And then came Richard Clarke, the guy who literally wrote the book on the Big Lie about the Junta being tough on terrorism. Just one quote from him is damning for the Junta’s assertions: “I believe the Bush administration in the first eight months considered terrorism an important issue, but not an urgent issue.” Naturally, the Junta’s spinmeisters are going after him like white on rice for saying that. But it’s not going to work. Clarke’s book comes out this week and details everything that the Junta has tried to disguise about September 11th and the before-and-after responses. This quote from cnn.com on one of the book’s most critical passages (and from the committee’s own work) is most illuminating:
Frustrated by what he saw as an inadequate response to terrorism, Clarke sent a memo to national security adviser Condoleezza Rice one week before the deadly attacks, blasting the Defense Department for not doing enough against al Qaeda and criticizing the CIA for holding up a plan to arm Predator drones.
In that memo — detailed in a commission staff statement — Clarke told policy-makers to “imagine a day after hundreds of Americans lay dead at home or abroad after a terrorist attack” and to ask themselves, “What else they could have done?”
If you’re still defending the Junta on the basis of “being strong on defense and terrorism” (you listening, Ned?), there’s no room to run now, no safe harbor. The Junta has been exposed. Not even capturing bin Laden will help them after this.
Of course, the Junta is going to try to get the public’s mind off these revelations and on to something more piddling and polarizing. Now that the whole Gay Marriage fooferaw is starting to lose steam, its replacement took stage today with the beginning of the Supreme Court case regarding the words “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s perfect for the Junta because it plays directly toward their target audience: lesser-educated Republicans, who are significantly more in favor of keeping the words than the better-educated or Democrats. Expect a whole blow-up about this to hit the press big.
DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT TWO HUNDRED EUROS.
It isn’t enough for Microsoft to be an official monopoly in the US. Now the EU courts have said the same thing, this time in regard to a complaint from Sun (regarding MS bastardization of Java, which was also found to be naughty in the US; besides, you need to download Sun’s JVM anyway, since it’s weaknesses in MS’s JVM that a good portion of spyware exploits) and from Real (regarding Media Player; this one’s definitely a “who do you root for?” situation because of the abuses of their customers that Real has done over the years). The fine came down yesterday, and it’s a doozy. Let’s break down the three main points:
1) Monetary penalties of US$613M. Big f*cking deal. MS has US$50B in the bank.
2) Media Player must be unbundled from Windows within ninety days. Well, if you’re smart, you don’t use WMP at all, just its codecs. So what do I use instead of it? Glad you asked.
WinAmp for audio, of course.
QuickTime and Real for their proprietary formats (like you need links to those). I don’t like the QT and Real playback functions in WinAmp, although you can use that for them if you wish.
BSPlayer for all other video. It’s free.
CodecPack installed for video playback in various formats. Don’t worry about the page being in Polish; click on “All In 1” on the main page, and then the word “download” is in English, and that’s all you need…whoops, sorry, the guy offloaded his actual download to a Slovenian server. “Stiahni” is Slovenian for “download”.
3) One hundred twenty days to give programming codes to rivals in the server market to allow ‘full interoperability’ with desktops running Windows.
In other words, the keys to the kingdom, or at least to the royal treasury. Microsoft’s proprietary APIs have to be revealed, thus totally castrating cash cows like Exchange, Terminal Services, and Active Directory. If free software substitutes can be created out of the APIs (and there are some that are really, really close to full interoperability without having the APIs, like Samba), that kills Microsoft’s main hold on the server market, namely their lock-in.
For those idiot Americans who are saying to themselves, “Who cares? It’s Europe.”, just remember this: the EU is already bigger than the US, both in population and in economic impact. On May 1st, ten more countries will be joining the EU (for those of you who like to keep track of such things, those countries are, in alphabetical order, the Czech Republic, Estonia, Cyprus, Latvia, Lithuania, Hungary, Malta, Poland, Slovenia and Slovakia). They will be dominant enough to dictate business practices to multinational corporations, and a lot of companies aren’t going to spend the money to make the US a “special case”. They’ll gear products toward the EU first, which means we in America get what the Euros want. And since you’re operating a computer, that means that anything that hits MS applies to you…yes, even you Mac people considering what the biggest software seller for Mac is.
Microsoft has ninety days to get an injunction against applying the sentence. If they don’t, the sentence has to be complied with, even if the case is under appeal. This could get very interesting.
AND SOMEWHERE RUSH LIMBAUGH IS REJOICING
Generic versions of Oxycontin, Vicodin’s bad-ass cousin, have been approved for sale by the FDA. Oxycontin came into the national consciousness when Rush Limbaugh had to go to rehab to kick his addiction to the little pink tablets. Of course, people have been using it for years as a reasonably cheap high (it works if you chew or snort instead of swallow), and, to be fair to the fat brainless f*ck, it is addictive and has a warning label stating so. But, hell, it works.
For those of us who follow the trends in pharmaceuticals, this is great news. Now, if I can only get a doctor to prescribe some of the f*ckers for me. They’re even reluctant to give me Vikes, much less Oxy. I am a very responsible pill-popper. I have never been addicted to anything, and I know when confronted with potentially addictive substances to ignore the dosing instructions and only take as needed. Well, I’ll probably be getting a new job soon, which means a new doctor, which means another chance at neurochemical Nirvana.
MAILBAG!
Memo to BFM: Enjoy having Chris Chandler on the Rams. We sure loved him in Chicago.
Of course, with the Fifth Major on tap starting tomorrow, someone has to ask me about The Players’ Championship, and it’s one of this column’s favorite Brits, Alex Chubb:
What do you need to win at the Players? Is it one for the big hitters? Long game? Steel-nerved putters?
What you need to win at Sawgrass is a great all-around game. It’s a target course that has just a little bit of give for an errant hitter. Approach shots are everything; the greens aren’t as wild as at some courses, but they’re small and challenging to putt on, especially in bad conditions, so you need to get that approach to the right spot on the green to give yourself a chance. Length helps, but not as much as you might think due to the fact that there are a lot of short par 4s and the par 5s are reachable by most of the players in the field. Sure, Tigger’s won at Sawgrass, and Davis has won there twice, as did Greg Norman when he was still considered a big hitter. But Steve Elkington’s won it twice too, Justin Leonard’s won it, and Hal Sutton beat Tigger four years ago. You also need to have your head in the game as well. You’re presented with one of the toughest fields in golf, and to come out on top, you have to keep your cool. You have to have steel nerves on every shot, not just with your putter. And the final round’s always interesting. Even when you have a blow-out like last year, there’s always something to pay attention to (like Davis’ final round last year where he produced one of the greatest 18s in the history of the game).
(Unlike in previous years, weather is going to be a big factor this year. It’s going to be windy as f*ck all weekend, and that’s going to play hell with some of the holes. The players who are better at shaping shots are going to have a large advantage.)
So who am I looking at? Well, Tigger’s a favorite in every tournament he plays. Davis probably wants to show that his fourth round last year was no fluke. Veej has never won the Players’ and he’s in a bit of a slump right now. John Daly has a lot on the line here, and if he misses the cut, he kisses his chances of getting to Augusta goodbye; it’ll be interesting to see whether or not he’s got it together after screwing the pooch over the last four holes on Sunday. Dark horse winner? Fred Couples. He’s won here before, he holds the course single-round record, he’s playing better than he has in years, and he provided one of the greatest shots in golf history at the famous 17th island green when he put his first shot in the water and ended up saving par by holing his rehit. Let’s face it, the 17th at Sawgrass is the greatest hole in golf, non-18th-at-St.-Andrews division.
And speaking of the 17th, it has one of the great traditions in the game. Before the tournament starts, all of the caddies are taken to 17 and compete in a closest-to-the-pin competition, with the money put up by the guys they haul baggage for. This year, there was a lot of talk about taking the pool money and donating it in the name of the winner to Bruce Edwards, Tom Watson’s long-time caddy who’s dying of ALS. The caddies also wanted to put an information booth regarding ALS at 17 for the crowds to also pony up a little for a good cause. I don’t know if they’re going to be allowed to do so, but I hope they can.
Alex also asks me about another subject near and dear to his political heart:
What do you make of Tony Blair? As a Tory, I resented him when he swept to power in 1997 on the back of spin and slogans. During the Iraqi conflict I began to admire his balls in the face of massive public diapproval (despite disapproving myself). Now I think it’s all coming back to haunt him and Gordon Brown’s a shoe-in to force him out. What the view of the man from your side of the Atlantic? Blair-haters over here paint him as Bush’s poodle; does that go down well with your guys?
We’re so inured to Brit PMs being the lapdogs of American presidents that Blair’s activies don’t really cause much of a stir here in the Colonies. Quite frankly, when Blair won the PMship in 1997, it was a relief. The Conservatives had poisoned their own well, Major wasn’t doing jack shit to help the British economy during a period of rapid worldwide expansion, privatization was generally regarded as a failure, and there was a serious conflict over joining Europe that was splitting the Tories in two. Blair was able to clear a lot of that up, so I regard his first few years as a success. However, with Iraq and the Hutton Report, Blair’s credibility as a leader has taken a major hit. However, I don’t think it’ll be Gordon Brown as a replacement. He’s the public face for the anti-Blair Labourites, playing the same role that Michael Heseltine did for Thatcher, and I seriously think that he doesn’t want to become PM because he’s more aware of anyone about the financial situation of the country, and he doesn’t want to tackle what needs to be done. Clare Short might be a better bet considering the amount of press she’s been getting lately.
Will Beakley returns to these shores for something that a lot of the more radical Demos and all of the Junta are creating as a dream scenario:
As you are 411’s resident guru in the realm of politics, let me present to you with a situation and perhaps you can puzzle out what would/could happen. We have Presidential Candidate Alpha (PC-A for short). PC-A has locked up his party’s nomination prior to the convention. Out of the blue, PC-A drops dead of a heart attack or some other random act of the gods. Now, what sorts of ramifications are we looking at here? Obviously PC-A’s party must now re-do the primary/caucus process to select a new candidate. There’s all sorts of financial, political, legal, and possibly even Constitutional issues at work here. Another wrinkle to throw into this: what if PC-A died _after_ his
party’s convention? What happens then?
Well, no. The convention is the formal act of the party committing itself to the candidate that will run under its banner. However, the delegates to the convention are fixed after the primaries/caucuses in each individual state, and the primaries and caucuses are there to elect delegates, not candidates; the delegates, of course, are committed to a particular candidate, which means that if you vote for a particular candidate in a primary, you’re actually voting for the delegate who is representing that candidate in your particular geographic division. They won’t have to repeat the primary/caucus process at all, since the delegates were already elected. What would happen is that the delegates would be released from their obligation to vote for the deceased, and other candidates could and would go after those delegates to commit to them at the convention. There might be some guidance from the party on who a delegate should commit to, especially if there was a strong second-place runner with a good amount of appeal (John Edwards this year is a good example of that), but it’s up to each individual delegate.
There is an analogy to be made here. Horace Greeley, the loser in the 1872 election, died between the election and the opening of the Electoral College’s counting period. All of Greeley’s electors were declared free to vote for anyone they chose. Well, he’d already lost, so there was no big issue with that.
If it happened after the convention, that’s different. The party’s delegates have already committed themselves to a candidate. What would almost certainly end up happening is that the chosen Vice-Presidential candidate would take over as the Presidential candidate and appoint a new prospective Veep. There’s no hard-and-fast rule set in law to govern the internal operations of a political party (except for campaign finance laws), so there isn’t any kind of legal or constitutional issue involved.
Getting out of politics for a bit, Ben Nagy asks me, as a Doctor Who fan of a quarter century’s standing, how I feel about the casting of Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor in the revival of the series next year. Good pedigree, right look…I have no problem with it.
Semi-Regular Marc LoGrasso points out something very embarassing from last week’s column that I should have spotted:
I just read your column today, and in regards to the terrorism in France, did you not notice the obvious? Your humorous comment about Return of the King winning Best Picture should not have been presented as such. Look again at the name of the previously unknown group in question: “Servants of Allah the Mighty and the Wise”. Shorten the beginning and look at what it becomes: SAMWise. This is no joke. I
wonder if Peter Jackson is in this somehow…
Yeah, but in French, it’s “Domestiques d’Allah le Puissant et le Sage”, which would be “DAPSage”, which kinda blows that whole theory.
And last, I’ve been trying to blow this topic off for a while now due to its nature, but I can’t ignore it anymore. As everyone knows, I’ve written a number of invectives concerning spyware and adware, along with removal and prevention measures. I’ve received a couple dozen e-mails over the past few weeks, though, stating that I’m a hypocrite. Why? Because 411 supposedly “installs” spyware and adware.
Actually, we don’t. However, the people that we sell advertising to utilize measures to get their ads across, and some of them do use adware installation. Many of them will install only a tracking cookie on your system, but some of them will go further than that. You do realize that I’m incredibly split about this. Our site can’t survive without advertising, and our advertisers are routinely using automated measures. I can’t go to Wids and Ashish and tell them to drop our advertisers because they’re a bunch of FUCKING SLEAZEBAGS WHO INVADE YOUR PRIVACY. I’m talent, not business. I’m also caught in a vicious circle. I’m one of the biggest draws to 411, so I create a lot of hits, which creates a lot of revenue for the site from our advertisers. But I’m not going to stand by while my readers get pissed off and call me a hypocrite.
Therefore, I’m coming down on the side of my readers. Use a non-IE browser with ad blocking capabilities like one of the Mozilla mutations to go to 411. If you decide not to switch browsers from IE, download IE-SpyAd from http://www.staff.uiuc.edu/~ehowes/main.htm and bookmark that URL. Eric Howes has created a registry-based solution to pernicious advertisers and updates his program a couple times a week (that’s why you should bookmark it). It’ll throw various advertising-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where the material won’t get downloaded and no cookies will get installed. It’ll also help you a bit in defeating browser hijackings (see previous columns for recommendations to prevent them). It’ll make your whole web experience much more delightful.
That’s it for me this week. Be sure to tune in for further news and views from everyone else. Besides, I’ve got a copy of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on the HD that I’d like to see. Until next week, ta.
