Welcome back to The Bootleg. Following the lead of Paul Hourning, I’ve decided to lower the standards of this column to attract more readers of
At the behest of Mrs. Bootleg, I have an announcement to make: there will be no column next week. It seems the wife has been keeping a tally of the number of diapers I’ve changed and the number of feedings I’ve given since our son came home from the hospital three weeks ago today.
The numbers are predictably lowâ€¦however, in my defense, the number of wife feedings was not included in that total. Here’s a little story to illustrate my point: This past Tuesday was my birthday. My wife picked up a 7-inch, 3-layer cakeâ€¦white chocolateâ€¦strawberriesâ€¦much, much better than the cakes I had for my birthdays growing up. Back then, Big Momma Bootleg would just put a candle in one of those Hostess Fruit Pies (“Apple for me!”) and let me shake the aluminum Jiffy Pop pan (you can’t have dessert before dinner, after all).
Flash forward back to this weekâ€¦do you know how many slices of my own birthday cake I got? Two. I opened the fridge looking to satisfy my sweet tooth, when I noticed the fancy bakery box had been replaced by vials and vials of my wife’s boob fluid.
I wanted to get the girl on the gurney just to make sure our kid hadn’t crawled back up in her. She just had to be eating for two, again. The good news is that Mrs. Bootleg actually threw away the box, instead of leaving it in the refrigerator with a stale frosting-covered butter knife still inside like she usually does.
As for me, I was able to enjoy some of those bizarre hard chocolate candies aren’t really made for sucking, but cause your molars to superglue together if you try to chew ’em.
So, I’m on the hook for father n’ husband duty next week. Think of it as the real life version of Eminem’s playful ’97 Bonnie & Clyde. I’ll recharge the creative batteries and return to The Bootleg on April 16.
Remember, April 15 is tax dayâ€¦and even if you owe, you’ll get a returnâ€¦of Goodness.
Here’s News: Someone Else Hates 50 Cent
The New York Press has released their second annual list of the “50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers”. Somehow, soft-spoken Connecticut suburb rapper 50 Cent made this year’s list, checking in at #48. I can’t imagine the honor of being part of a list created by a bunch of eight-chinned C.H.U.D.s who sweat pork fat, while their Vienna sausage fingers type out hackneyed “lists” that pass as news. Others who made the list include: The Hilton Sisters, Sarah Jessica Parker, Moby, Donald Trump and at number one: Rudy Giuliani.
Nowhere to be found were former Yankees phenom Kevin Maas, Mr. Jessica Parker: Matthew Broderick or former Park Avenue resident and Mr. Drummond’s stepson, Sam McKinney. Y’knowâ€¦from Diff’rent Strokes. God, I hated that kid. Remember the episode where the family whose son had died abducted him? Was I the only pre-teen hoping his kidnappers would chop him up, sprinkle some jack cheese on his remains and make spicy quesadillas?
I’ve Played Streets of Rageâ€¦and You’re No Streets of Rage
My people tell me we have a “Games” Zone here at 411. Well, someone call their writers (preferably Friday or Saturday nightsâ€¦trust me, they’ll be home and probably all at the same guy’s house) because have I got some news for them. EA Sports and Def Jam Entertainment are teaming up to release Def Jam Vendetta II. The sequel to the best-selling rap n’ rasslin’ game will feature 70 characters including Busta Rhymes, Lil’ Kim, Ludacris, Red n’ Meth, Snoop Dogg, Slick Rick and Carmen Electra.
I don’t knowâ€¦it seems it wasn’t that long ago when it was the actual game that sold units, instead of the gaggle of guest stars. Who among you that’s known the touch of a woman would even want to play a game with
Fat Joe Lil’ Kim and Mrs. Rodman? You know who I blame for all this celebrity gaming crap? That’s rightâ€¦Shaq Fu. See, kidsâ€¦back in 1993 we weren’t content with our athletes making obscene amounts of money just for playing sports. And what better way to further the Shaq brand than by starring in a side-scrolling adventure game that was 12 months out of date the moment it was released in stores? Hey, Shaqâ€¦maybe that’s why biological didn’t bother.
Voting is for Old People
Twelve years ago, Bill Clinton appeared on the Arsenio Hall Showâ€¦wailed on the sax and rode the wave of the MTV Generation into the White House. This week, presidential hopeful John Kerry claimed to be, “fascinated by rap and Hip Hop”, while professing his love for the genre. Hmmâ€¦a seemingly straight-laced Caucasian politician embraces the Hip Hop lifestyle while trying to win a major political office.
Jeez, someone should tell the good Senator Kerry how that Bulworth movie ended before he goes and lifts his entire campaign from Warren Beatty and company. Although, if the soundtrack to Kerry’s run to the White House is as good as the soundtrack to Bulworth, then maybe his assassination would be a small price to pay. I’m sure Canibus and Cappadonna are available to lace a single or two. And since that Ghetto Superstar joint pretty much made Mya’s career, perhaps a single on this one could end it.
I Thought Eminem Was The Enemy Against Black Women
Manâ€¦I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, you have that rappin’ rectal wound Nelly trying to drum up support for his charitable bone marrow organization by appearing on the campus of all-woman Spelman College in Atlanta. On the other hand, the future Waffle House hostesses of America at Spelman demanded that Nelly answer their questions about misogynistic imagery in Nelly’s music and videos. The end result: Nelly didn’t need the grief so he cancelled his appearance.
If I’m forced to choose, then I guess I have to side with Nelly on this one. I mean I’m married to one Black woman. I can’t imagine having to stand up in front of 5,000 of themâ€¦each one more pissed off than the last. I hear that HMOs throughout the Atlanta area were salivating at the thought of all those whiplash cases from the copious amounts of neck-swiveling and finger snappin’. See the things that I can say, but you can’t?
Kris Kross Must Be So Proud
Proving once again that there’s nothing sacred in Hip Hopâ€¦goat-mouthed groundhog Jermaine Dupri has teamed with super-producers Swizz Beatz to provide the theme for Sprite’s brand new ad campaign. And did I mention that their plan is to remix the classic 1994 Craig Mack cut Flava In Ya Ear? Now, I know that not all my readers are rap fans, so let me try to put this in terms y’all can understand.
Try to imagine a show where frustrated musicians line up to perform other people’s work. No matter how hard they tryâ€¦how much they sweatâ€¦how gay they areâ€¦they’ll never be better than the originals. I speak for everyone when I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that such a exploitatively commercial abomination will never grace our airwaves. Now, let’s see what’s on Fox.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Has it really been five years since the mealy-mouthed monotone of Ma$e was forever silenced by his desire to serve God in the ministry? Well, “forever” in the music industry carries about as much weight as “the retirement match” in sports-entertainment or “I’ll call you tomorrow” in dating parlance. Ma$e (and his girly little dollar sign) is planning his comeback album as we speak. He promises no profanity and a heavy dose of commentary on social issues. Think a 1989 Chuck D, if no one was listeningâ€¦in other words, a 2004 Chuck D.
Not so fast, thoughâ€¦Ma$e is reportedly still signed to Puffy’s Bad Boy Records imprint and the two did not part on good terms. However, with down-on-their-luck rappers Black Rob and Loon also signed to Bad Boyâ€¦Ma$e would make three has-beens employed with the label who haven’t had any impact on the game since 1997. Man, it’s like an N.W.O. reunionâ€¦now, which one’s Nash, which one’s Hall and which one’s Hogan?
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Once again in my travels across the internet, I stopped off at my favorite place for the absurd, mtvnews.com. This week’s gem:
Ja Rule Getting Pointers From Ving Rhames, Laurence Fishburne
OK, so Ja Rule has TWO new movies coming out. That’s right, two. Starring opposite Ving Rhames, he will flex his thespian muscle as he “struggles between following the path of righteousness or his friend’s felonious ways in the upcoming film “Back in the Day”. Sounds great. I can already see it on the shelf at Blockbuster:
If you liked Belly, try Back in the Day!
What kind of pointers do you think Ving Rhames offered him?
“OK, so here’s what you do…get typecast after having a role in a largely successful movie and then lock up an endorsement deal with a retail chain that sells a lot of a batteries. You can’t miss kid.”
Thanks, Ving, but Mister Rule is doing just fine. For god’s sake, his last CD went double-wood. He doesn’t need endorsement deals when he has a lucrative singing career for extra cash. (How many copies of his last album he bought on his own is still unknown at this time.)
We also have the second film titled, “Assault in Precinct 13” where he (surprise!) plays an inmate in a prison in which Larry Fishburne tries to bust out. Hasn’t Fishburne graduated from this crap yet? He’s way too good of an actor to still be playing these kinds of roles. Besides he already covered this material as Jimmy Jump in King of New York. There’s no way he can outdo the scene where he walks into a fast food joint, orders $30 worth of food, says “F*ck you very much” and walks out without paying.
I realize picking on Ja Rule is about as difficult as burning ants with a magnifying glass. I just find it insane that Hollywood is putting millions of dollars behind this guy. Haven’t they heard his 15 minutes were up 3 years ago?
I’ll prove how ridiculous the thought of “Ja Rule the actor” is. Look at this photo of him alongside another well-known has been. Try not to laugh and say hello to your computer’s new wallpaper.
As always, m’man Nick provides the perfect segue into the links. In fact, this week let’s change things up a little and link the supporting casts of the 411 columns you know and love.
We’ll even compare ’em to that Half-Irish/Half-Italian hanger-on who brings the potatoes and pasta to The Goodness each and every week.
Aisha Bell is mysteriously absent from the most recent Swindle Sheet. Could she have found love with another member of The Minority Report? While I’ve never met Ms. Bell, I can safely say she’s probably easier on the eyes than Salemi and six inches taller in her bare feet.
HTML joins forces with Bloody Sunday and the results areâ€¦very puke green. I wish I could find a way to compare this to Nick, but he doesn’t format a goddam thing for me, leaving me to clean up his typos.
Early ’90s Lyrics and the Extravaganza go hand-in-handâ€¦just not this week. Man, this really seemed like a better idea on paper, but it’s too late to turn back now.
Tour Dates and Monday Mayhemâ€¦where something practical meets the worst music news title of them all.
Phil Watts is a longtime Friend of the Bootleg who has joined forces with T.I.T.S. in some sort of Bizarro World Aaron n’ Nick collabo.
Mathan don’t need no sidekick. He’s like post-Jason Todd, pre-Tim Drake Batman.
Last week, I asked:
Only in Hollywood, can the pickled remains of Steve Martin have a chance at a 20-something piece of ass. Why don’t we ever see the reverse, where a withered old crow lands a strapping young man?
Jason J. stepped up to the plate and hit one out with this line:
We already have. It’s called Sex in the City.
Hey, did you hear that I’ve been moonlighting over in 411 Black? Widro sent me to all 30 Major League camps so that I could pen our official Baseball Preview this week. And, in accordance with the cut-rate travel deal that 411 secured for me, I’m obligated to announce that these next few letters are brought to you by the good people of Greyhoundâ€¦pay the extra dollar and get the bus with the bathrooms. You’ll thank me laterâ€¦you’ll thank me often.
Ur picking the cubs in third place??? F*ck you. Did you not see the playoffs last year when they should’ve won the marlins? Wood, Prior and Maddux are all they need and Sosa will hit 60 homerun balls this year. â€“ Doug C.
Ur criticizing my picks? Sorry, Dougie, but the Cubs have to live without Mark Prior for about a month (with rumors that his arm is bothering him now), plus the Cubs got the SI cover this week. The Jinx says they could lose 200 games this year.
Why does someone from a wrestling website think he can pick real sports games? Tell me you did not pick Red Sox to finish behind New York this year? Look at those pitchers and pitchers are what wins in October. Give off of A-Rod’s c*ck long enough to realize that Yankees are oveer. â€“ Michael J.
I’ll have you know I’m from a music siteâ€¦located within a wrestling site. And the line to hop on A-Rod’s c*ck wraps around The Stadium. I think I saw Nomar making his reservations, considering he’ll be their new second baseman in 2005. The Red Sox are ‘oveer’.
Nice job with your picks. I’m really enjoying your work. Do you play fantasy baseball? If so, any sleepers for me in my NL only league? â€“ PJW
Thanks, bruthaâ€¦I can think of three ‘sleepers’ who might not draw much interest, but could be primed for huge years. Pat Burrell in Philadelphia, Nick Johnson in Montreal and Jake Peavy in San Diego. Burrell will improve, Johnson should, if he’s healthy and Peavy could win 18 this year.
Life With Baby Bootleg
Kid Cameron is tipping the scales at 6 pounds 13 ounces, these days. That’s more than double his birth weight and, at this rate, he’ll scarfing down those frozen “Hungry-Man” dinners any day now.
Speaking of which, it’s come to our attention that in many ways, Jalen already is a man. The wife tells me that on his last trip to the pediatrician, Baby Bootleg cut a nasty little ass-bomb while the wife was walking down the hallway and into the office.
Apparently, a couple of other mothers were passing by at the same time and Mrs. Bootleg tells me that she’s certain they thought it was her and not our kid. I’ve had Jalen in my lap when the angels have pulled his virtual finger and, no lie, that kid is already ripping at a college level.
There’s really no place left for him to go in his development, save for “middle-aged man” and “incontinent woman”, but I hope I live long enough so that we can have the appropriate battles. Just one more reason to look forward to his wedding day.
Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week
“Can you watch Jalen right quick, while I go wash my hot spots?” â€“ Sunday, March 28
I can’t make these quotes up, kids. Let’s break it down, shall we? First off, when Mrs. Bootleg says “right quick”, you can bet your ass that means 20 minutes or more. On our first doctor’s visit with the kid, I left work early and rode in the back seat of the wife’s car to sit with Jalen. The appointment went well and on the way back, she told me she wanted to stop at Long’s Drugs for two items: Vaseline and breast pads (don’t ask). The last words I heard from her were “right quick” and I knew what was coming.
Now, with the kid’s undeveloped immune system, I have to sit with him in the car like a buttery-skinned cocker spaniel with the window cracked. “Two items” becomes, yesâ€¦20 minutes and a bag full of mothering crap. Of course, I mentioned that I thought she took too long and for the rest of the day, I was the bad guy for not supporting her maternal needs during this difficult time. And by “difficult”, I mean deciding whether or not to eat the box of ice cream sandwiches before or after Oprah.
As for an explanation on “hot spots”â€¦Well, let’s just leave that one alone. I don’t want your last memory of the Bootleg to be that for the next two weeks.
No Bootleg next week? No problem. Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13