Opinions, Etc: 03.31.04

Okay…taxes are finished and submitted. A number of other problems have been resolved. And I have an appointment with a shrink set for next Wednesday, so I might be able to get back on the f*cking pills. However, I am a little trashed, so you’ll forgive me if my column isn’t the sterling piece of work it normally is. On with the show…

THE PIMP SECTION

Oh, dear God, what do I do? No Baxley to pimp. He became the core of the Wednesday Pimp Section, the stable center around whom the entire 411 staff could revolve. And now he’s gone. I have to find a way to carry on, because without the Pimp Section, the rest of the column can’t start. And we can’t have that. So, I’ll try, but it’ll be hard…

Morse cheaps out with the Comics zone and lets the readers have a bit of a say into something. Naughty, naughty, Benjamin.

Memo to Tango Charlie: Quoting Stalin in a column about Passion…big deal. Try comparing someone who people seem to inexplicably love directly to Stalin sometime. I wish I still had some of my hate mail when I did that with Flex. And Jesus is a Democrat. That’s because I made certain that my son was raised right.

Cocozza disobeyed my orders from last week and did not gush over me with praise for a paragraph. He will come to understand the punishment for this transgression very soon.

Zucconi plays a little bit of catch-up, and gets in a reference to me as well, so all’s cool with the world.

All your Mishas are belong to us.

I have no clue what Platt is talking about.

YOU’RE A MORON: THE CLUELESS STRIKE AGAIN

You know what I regard as really funny? People who make oblivious, asinine threats to me for absolutely no reason. For instance, Anton Semenov, a complete Wife-Beater sheep who apparently reached the end of his rope about me refusing to acknowledge the true greatness of Steve Fucking Austin. Have a laugh:

You are a f*cking dickhead and people like you should walk the f*cking earth..

Yes, I am a f*cking dickhead. But I don’t get the thing about people like me walking the f*cking earth. Is that some kind of new lingo you kids are speaking these days?

all that guy did was ask you why you don’t give Austin the benefit of the doubt, a man can make a few mistakes you dickcheese.

With every woman he’s ever been with? He beat Lady Blossom. He beat Debra. And now he beat Tess Broussard. That kinda shows, like, a pattern. You don’t give a guy with a history like his of beating women and walking out on his job for pissy reasons (more than once) any kind of benefit of the doubt. And you don’t let up on him either.

And for one I think you should be banned from 411 for being plainly out of order to people,

You don’t get it, do you? The reason I have a six-figure readership, shithead, is BECAUSE I’m out of order to people. People love reading me tearing new assholes in people like you. I don’t respect my audience, I hold contempt for my audience, and I make that absolutely clear by doing such things as YAM and calling them sheep and idiots. And people get off on that. You gotta love it.

if I was that guy I would sue your ass to jail for verbal Assault you f*ckhead.

“Verbal assault”? What the hell is “verbal assault”? Do you realize how much of an idiot you made yourself appear when you wrote that?

And about Austin, don’t bad mouth the man who makes millions of people happy,

He beats women. I’ll bad-mouth him as much as I want. And, of course, I don’t care about the millions of people he makes happy considering the fact that I’ve stated that they’re mentally deficient if they do derive enjoyment from him. I’ve made that abundantly clear, haven’t I?

n earns millions at it as well, what do you do? how much do you earn?

So, in other words, you can do anything if you have money. Tell that to Howard Stern. Or Janet Jackson. Or Dubbaya…oh, wait, he’s firmly convinced he can do anything because he has money.

Fuck all from the sounds of things a shithead like you could only get probably about $1.79 an hour.

I happen to make a good living. In fact, in a couple of months, I’ll be back in government service and can be a professional dickhead again. Again, for good money and great bennies. So you can make a living being a jerk and make a lot more than $1.79 an hour. Of course, that’s probably what you make giving handjobs to transients.

Don’t you evr disgrace the name of 411 again, or next time I will complain to the owners.

BWAHHHH-HAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!! Oh, please, do go and complain to Wids and Ashish. They’re either going to shit-can your e-mail or give you a tap from a LART stick. Bitch, I make money for this site. The only people who outdraw me are Hyatte and Keith. I attract an audience doing what I do. Disgrace? WidShish would kill for five more people who can disgrace this site as well as I can.

Ohh and one more thing you are a f*cking dickhead,

“One more thing”? That’s how you opened this missive, retard.

It’s a shame I ddidn’t use a contraceptive when I f*cked your mum, such a god damn shame, in fact your mum shoulda strangled your ass at birth, but your dad probably raped you on! a number of occasions so I guess that made up for it.

The true sign of a YAM winner: “I f*cked your mother” and “Your dad must have raped you” remarks. Yeah, that’s a really good way to get your point across. Go back to your playpen and masturbate furiously to the thought of writing and sending this mail, because it’s the bravest thing you’ll ever do in your life, you unburst buboe.

To close up, I’d like to let Regular Jason MIS have the last word:

Good for you for never letting up with the Wife-Beater tag for Austin. I didn’t need the latest incident to side with you there. I actually do think of that term every time I see Jason Kidd. Any man capable of that should never be trusted in any capacity. And I was one of Austin’s biggest fans from the Mothership days right up through the Invasion. Anyone who will come to the defense of a wife beater but not the victim is just as deplorable as he is.

I think it’ll be a bunch of shorties this week. My head’s in a bit of a whirl right now thanks to those taxes, etc., so I’ll just throw these out there for consumption. Besides, nothing is really engaging me this week to want to go into a long, drawn-out discussion.

AN ATTEMPT AT BALANCE

Today was the debut in a number of markets of a new syndicated radio network called Air America. It’s the brainchild of Mark Walsh, John Kerry’s former Net guru. Its mission is simple: get some actual, honest-to-God honest liberals on the radio to combat the dysenteric neocon talking heads that dominate the talk spectrum.

They already have the one key performer who will sell this station aboard: Al Franken, who will be doing a three-hour midday show. A number of other liberal entertainers and well-known names have signed on, like Janeane Garafolo (who I accept here as not being off-topic for once) and Chuck D. Hey, I love Chuck D. Of course, my chances of getting an outlet here in the middle of GOPVille, Nebraska are between none and none, so I’ll have to live without it. Unless they do webcasts, which I didn’t see mentioned in the Reuters blurb.

Yes, I know, not a good move naming something after a CIA front. However, it’s a valiant attempt to shut up the cretins who pollute the public airwaves with their odious lies by presenting an honest look at the evil the Junta is doing. Best of all, if the network becomes a success, a lot of radio programmers are going to think about removing their neocon programming and inserting Air America programming instead. They’ve had their way for too long. Now it’s time to shut them up once and for all. Go for it, guys. And, by the way, I’m available for guest shots.

THANK GOD JJ’S BACK IN THE STATES

The big news item on Wednesday was the grenade assaults on both US troops and civilian contractors in Fajullah. Five troops were killed in one attack, but it’s the four civilians killed in the other that’s making headlines. After the attack (and fortunately after they were dead), their bodies were pulled from their burning vehicle and strung up on a bridge. There’s video of at least one of the bodies being dragged through town accompanied by a cheering crowd.

Will this video finally get the remainder of Americans who actually support being in Iraq to see the f*cking light? Americans tend to respond well to gruesome footage like this. Six hundred Americans are now dead because of Dubbaya’s hard-on for Saddam, and no artificial deadline like the one that’s been set for June will stop the killing. American force will be needed there for years in order to pacify the population, and will be resented every single second. Is that clear to all of you now? We’re not wanted there. We shouldn’t have been there in the first place. But we’re going to be there because it’s politically expedient for Dubbaya to keep them there during an election year.

It’s times like these that make me glad I came out against the action prior to it taking place.

HOW TO HOIST YOUR OWN PETARD

On Tuesday, the prospect of extending the whole Gay Marriage fooferaw went out the window thanks to, of all people, Bob Barr, the former Georgia congressman who wrote the idiotic Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. He stated to a congressional committee debating the prospective Gay Marriage Amendment that a constitutional amendment wasn’t needed, and that state law should be paramount in this aspect. Gotta love those old Southern states-rightsers.

Oh, man, the expression on the faces of the neocon members of the committee when Barr came out and said that was priceless. Here’s the guy that the Junta was expecting to be the point man on the issue (or rather the straw man) given his experience in the field. Now he comes out and says directly that one of the key moral planks for the Junta’s platform this year is not only not needed but inappropriate. This totally undercut any momentum on the issue. It’s now bad enough that neocons are admitting that they don’t have the two-thirds in each house to pass it (no surprise in the Senate, but a mild upset in the House).

The Junta keeps losing issues that they might have had a chance to buffalo the American public on. Gee, that means it devolves to the economy and Iraq, and the Junta doesn’t have a leg to stand on in either locale. Playing to the social activist right wing of the GOP did major damage to the party in 1996. I’m surprised they’re trying this shit again, especially in a really, really close election. The secret of the senile old f*ck’s success was that he sugar-coated all of the neocon social bullshit and allowed Middle America to swallow it enough for him to get elected twice. A bare-naked social agenda that most Americans don’t want isn’t the way to attract votes.

Stick to the issues of substance. And nothing involving the Religious Reich has any substance to it at all. For that matter, nothing involving the Junta seems to have any substance at all, considering how they’re pimping reopening the Statue of Liberty this summer.

SPEAK, CONDI, SPEAK

Lots of letters over the last week about Doctor Rice and her stonewalling of the September 11th Committee. A lot of people wondered whether or not Condi was being set up by the Junta to be the fall guy on this issue. I don’t think so. Dubbaya tends to reward the sort of lap-dog-like loyalty that Condi’s shown him. Plus, it’s now gone beyond the point where the Junta can serve up one body and have the American people be satisfied. They’ve been looking for the past week plus at a number of high-powered, well-connected people telling the public that the Junta dropped the ball when it came to terrorism, distracted to the point of ridiculity by what they wanted to do with Iraq. Condi on a bed of Rice isn’t going to be a good enough main course to satiate the public’s hunger for someone to blame.

But the Junta is going to offer her up as a possible sacrifice, which makes me think there’s something in this. The problem is that she’s not very good at being a sacrificial victim, and she certainly doesn’t have the gumption of other NatSecs. Kissinger would have told the committee to f*ck off and got away with it. Zbiggy B would have dazzled them with bullshit. Bill Clark had a major pair of balls, and would have force-fed the committee facts until its ears bled. Bob McFarlane would have lied through his teeth and waited to get indicted, just like with Iran-Contra. Condi, though? I have my doubts. It’s not because she’s female or because she’s African-American. She just seems to be such a tool of the Junta that the dimension of independent thought required to get through something like this might not be present.

She’s got to have the guts to sell out the Junta. My recommendation to her: don’t take the blame for anything. Put the blame on the rest of the Junta, who didn’t have the balls to come in front of the committee in open session, and don’t try to discredit the detractors like Richard Clarke. It’ll be the only way to save her ass, and those people are not worth sacrificing anything for.

I WANT TO SLAP ANYONE AT ASSOCIATED PRESS

>From the AP Wire regarding Usher going platinum with his new release in one week:

Its strong showing may be another sign the recording industry, which has been in a long slump because of piracy, the illegal Internet downloading of music and other factors, is on the upswing.

This flies in the face of about a dozen major unbiased studies which conclude that music piracy does NOT affect music sales in a substantive way. Anyone with any knowledge of the issue knows that the RIAA’s line is complete bullshit, and seeing the AP buy into this is rather disconcerting. The music industry has been slumping because of the following reasons:

1) Homogenization of artists to create bland categories that target specified demographics with little chance of crossover appeal.

2) Releases by major artists that are considered to be low-quality. Music is becoming like computer games: the majority of sales are in the first couple weeks.

3) The shitty state of the world economy. People don’t buy music if they don’t have discretionary spending.

4) The fact that you can pick up a movie just released on DVD for less than the price of its soundtrack.

5) The RIAA alienating its own customers with its moronic lawsuits.

But the AP doesn’t mention that. It’s a nice little text bite to state that everything’s due to piracy. And the music industry isn’t on an upswing. This is a fluke. It’s a major artist with a new release that happens to have good word-of-mouth and good reviews (ditto Norah Jones’ recent release). Maybe the recording industry should concentrate on quality rather than excuses. That way, Usher’s own record company, Arista, would have survived as an independent entity rather than being a victim of Bertelsmann’s cost-cutting.

As I said, I’m not too inspired this week, so I’ll close it off here. Or maybe I can rephrase that in honor of Chris Walken’s birthday today: this column definitely needed more cowbell. I’ll do better next week, I promise.