Ah, there are some things that are, shall we say, unfathomable to those of us who possess even minimal brain capacity. Like, who are the three retards who didn’t vote KG as MVP and why do they have ballots? If there’s Monday golf, why couldn’t I find it on TV, especially with Veej pulling another hot-shit round out of his ass with that closing 29? At least they’re coming from Flair Country next week and WILL be on TV. Doesn’t Jennifer Rosales know that she’d be really cute if she got rid of the Britney Spears wardrobe and blonde streaks in her hair (if there’s nothing I hate more than blonde Mexican women, it’s blond Filipino women); I mean, she smokes, she played a serious clutch game on Sunday to hold off one of the best fields in women’s golf…I’d do her in an instant if it wasn’t for that f*cking hair and that sub-Lita dress sense. Will all of the old Republican denture-wearers lay off of stem cell researchers now that the Brits have grown teeth from stem cells? Was anyone surprised that the Gaza pullout plan was voted down in the Knesset? Was going to double letters the right thing to do after Netsky-Z? Were you stupidly infected by Sasser (I wasn’t)? Why is the DOJ fining Bill Gates for doing what smart investors everywhere do, put money into drug companies? Will I admit that I f*cked up in Black last week when I said that Big Daddy got f*cked by Fark’s imbecilic moderators when it was really Slick Rick (sorry, Rick)? Why did Ashish keep putting news about Walking Tall into the wrestling section, but didn’t do the same for The Punisher (Kevin Nash) and won’t do the same for Troy (Nathan Jones)? And how did you celebrate Press Freedom Day yesterday? We did by publishing Hyatte.
Other than that last one, those questions may never be answered. So, on to wrestling, but not before we ask one unanswerable question in regard to that subject: why is Sting convinced he can get Luger to acknowledge Christ as his personal savior and get him into WWE at the same time, where he’d have to acknowledge Vince as his personal savior (especially since Da Meltz claims that Luger’s running out of dough)?
THE PIMP SECTION
I haven’t moved yet, Laflin. And if you want something to MSTify, try a White House press release.
(Oh, by the way, there is a method to my madness in re pimps: I normally pimp Wrestling first, since that’s where this column is. I normally hit Black after that, since that’s the other section I write for. Then I go down the page, which is why Games ends up getting put in low on the list. Now you know my secret.)
Nute discusses…entrances? Well, it’s different. I do have a couple of points to make, though: 1) Gorgeous George really revolutionized the entrance as a way to get a wrestler over. Every single heel entrance routine today can be directly traced to George. 2) Personally, I love “My Time” (Matt unfortunately has fallen victim to having that theme associated with the Bitch of the Baskervilles), but what took it to the epitome of cool was when Vince came out to it a few times. Can you think of any instance in wrestling history where a person has come out to music that explicity insults him by name?
Campbell, Mike Variant has more Jap shit on tap, with one of the lesser Misawa/Kobashi-Kawada/Taue matches…that’s actually a contradiction in terms there.
Campbell, David Variant now gets a separate pimp because he has a new show to cover. He’s probably hoping that Experience gets canned and they bring up another show for him to cover so he can keep getting separate pimps.
Fried and Obal are our ultimate B Show tag-team. And they’re learning to work together nicely, thank you.
Evocator! Evocator! Evocator! And the Trek episode in question was “A Taste Of Armageddon”. Good episode.
Urciuolo got all of the vowels that are missing from my last name. And a Black column to boot.
Melchor displays the music half of his personality.
Presiloski only has a music half to his personality.
Hayhurst goes apeshit.
Lucard does the mailbag thing, which he’s perfectly entitled to do.
SO HAVE THEY GOT A DEAL OR NOT?
According to 1bullshit Junior, TNA is making preparations to start weekly tapings in Orlando for Fox Sports Net beginning next month. The problem is that no one has heard any confirmation that Fox Sports Net has reached a deal with TNA.
So what the hell is actually going on here? If they had a deal, you know that Don West would have been screaming at the top of his lungs about it during TNA last week…actually, since screaming at the top of his lungs is his normal speaking voice, maybe he would have done something special with that news, like finally come out of the closet and profess his eternal love to Low-Ki or something. But, in any case, we haven’t heard anything from them regarding this. Since they’re the wrestling organization equivalent of a retarded child scrounging for any available affection, they would have said something if the deal was done.
Okay, so maybe they’re confident that the deal is close enough that it can be said to be done. That would put them firmly in the “foolish” category. They’ve assumed they had deals done before. Hell, they’ve assumed that this deal was already done more than a few times. Plus, haven’t we heard more than a few times that they were prepping the travel arrangements to Orlando? Isn’t Milord and his wacky band just relaying more non-news? Perhaps.
Or maybe the Jarretts are working the boys. There have been rumblings going on about dissatisfaction in the TNA locker room, and the level of dissatisfaction wasn’t lessened enough by Jarrett dropping the title to Styles (in an act which most neutral observers, namely the good and great columnists at this site, regard as complete and utter bullshit considering the build-up). Telling everyone to be prepared might just shut up some of the malcontents backstage. Everyone there must know about the precarious financial situation than TNA is in, and given the fact that TNA shut off the valve for additional income provided by occasional trips to ROH, there are a lot of guys out there who must feel a little insecure about where their next shot of Dianabol is coming from (this is despite the fact that Da Meltz reported that Daniels, Lynn, and Styles will be recompensed for lost income due to TNA forcing wrestlers to cut ties with ROH).
Or maybe it’s real. Da Meltz is reporting that there’s a firm time slot, Fridays at 3PM (Is that Eastern/Pacific? You know, there are people who live outside those two time zones, like me.). TNA will be paying for the time slot (Da Meltz compares this to an informercial type of set-up, which does give the advantage to TNA of getting more of the ad revenue, but they have to sell the ad slots). They’re also going to regard the expenditure of the timeslot as a loss leader to get more people to buy the Wednesday PPVs. The Wednesday PPVs will still be done at the Asylum, and the guys will travel to Orlando right after that for Thursday tapings for Friday broadcast.
JUST WHEN YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THE GUERREROS…
So Eddy’s mother is taking part in the WWE’s mammoth effort to actually get someone to give two shits about Bradshaw. Cool by me. She has legitimacy, as much as Helen Hart did. She’s Gory’s wife, she has four wrestling sons and a wrestling grandson…I have no problem with it. She knows what she’s doing and can sell a heart attack pretty well, I guess. Plus, if things go right, she’ll get to beat the shit out of Bradshaw, and watching an old Mexican woman beat up someone is always fun. But one must ask where the hell her two sons and grandson who are on that show were when Bradshaw was doing the dirty.
But that’s not the Guerrero I’d like to talk about. That honor belongs to Chavo padre. I don’t think this was covered by anyone this past week, so I’m cool in that regard. In last week’s dead-tree Observer, Da Meltz was waxing rhapsodic about the Cauliflower Alley Club dinner held two weeks ago. If you’re a wrestling fan, you know what the Cauliflower Alley Club is, so I don’t have to go into details about that. So, a couple of days before the dinner, Chavo decided to make his presence known. Here’s a list of his antics, according to Meltzer:
Went off on a tirade to Nick Bockwinkel about how a Guerrero has never been honored by the club. Including Gory? That does seem like a rather egregious omission if Gory hadn’t been honored. I’ll sorta give him that one. But why go off on Bockwinkle?
Got pissed that there were no rooms available, so flew back to El Paso in a tizzy. Flew back the night before the dinner and got loaded (like brother, like brother?).
Started waving around a WWE paycheck for eighteen large in front of the retired wrestlers, who never made that much in a year, and behaved like an arrogant asshole while everyone there was laughing their asses off, knowing his brother and son got him in there.
Started harassing a wheelchair-bound Bob Orton Senior. Da Meltz, though, never mentioned whether or not Guerrero said “At least my son didn’t have to play Piper’s bitch” and Orton responded, “At least my grandson isn’t…oh, wait…”
Almost got into a legit fight with Danny Hodge, who can probably still beat the shit out of anybody.
Started bitching at Verne Gagne about being stiffed by Gagne for a PPV sixteen years ago and nearly started a fight with Verne, calling him a racist, among other things.
Given this behavior, at an event where the wrestling community honors its true legends, why does he have a job? Of course, Vince would write this one off as Chavo having had a little too much and letting years of frustration out (not being able to get a good career going in America due to the general prejudice in the industry against Mexicans during his prime, seeing his brother and son cash big-ass f*cking paychecks, etc.). Then again, Vince could have cared less because it was the Club dinner, and most of the participants there have as much respect for Vince as they would for a strain of Ebola (and probably consider him more virulent). Witness Paul Jones’ tirade against Vince at the dinner. So it’s a “no harm, no foul” type of thing. But I love it when guys make complete asses of themselves.
One more thing: Da Meltz noted that Colonel DeBeers was honored with an award at the dinner. Considering what the Colonel, a decent worker in his time, went through at the end of the AWA, especially the fact that he was the one who had to put over a f*cking jobber in the infamous Turkey on a Pole match, he deserves a medal, a pension, and a pardon from some authority. Why didn’t Jesse the Body give him one while he was still MinnGov?
Now on to the present…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Edge, Yoshihiro Tajiri, and Shelton Benjamin over DAVE (tm Williams), Dorkboy (tm Randle), and Trip (tm Yr Humble Scrivener) (Pinfall, Edge pins Orton, spear): Is “creative” getting a clue? First of all, I like the thought process: “We’re in the Southwest, so let’s start off with our own version of a trios match. They’ll appreciate that.” Second, they front-loaded the talent here in the match. That means they’re going to give Benoit/Michaels the time it deserves. And the match turned out pretty good too. Trip might have hogged a lot of the spotlight, but he made sure to give everyone their chances, especially the two guys who needed it the most, Tajiri and Benjamin. There has to be some kind of explanation for this after years of ego feeding. Looking at his legacy, perhaps? Ah, cynicism is a beautiful thing, but sometimes you just have to kick back and enjoy the match, and this one you could enjoy.
Raw Regular Derrek Croney is not as cynical as I am, and has a good analogy:
I love this mat-based style of wrestling, complete with psychology (from the ref even!), compared to that high-impact (or high-strung) style we had when Flex was around. This is the stuff the old pre-WCW NWA did so well, and if I didn’t know any better, you’d think Ric Flair has had a tremendous amount of influence with, not only Trips, but the rest of the lockerroom.
It’s a combination of factors, really. You’ve not only got Flair’s presence to give these guys a guide on how to do this, but you also have Benjamin’s amateur background coming into play and Orton’s family influence. That’s why I’ve been encouraging an Orton/Benjamin feud rather than Orton/Edge. I think next week will be an aberration, and they’ll move on to Orton/Benjamin.
Did I mention that Shelton Benjamin reminds me of Ricky Steamboat, and if they taught him how to interview (the one thing Steamboat never excelled at), he and Orton can carry RAW for a good lil’ while.
Woah, woah, woah, don’t go overboard there, kimosabe. Just because he wrestled Flair in a pretty good match doesn’t make him Steamer. I think there’s a more apt comparison to be made, considering whose moves he’s ripping off. If he learns to cut a promo, he’d be more of a young Sting. You know, back when Sting was, like, good.
Rob Conway over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, twisting snap neckbreaker): Maybe BFM could answer this one for me, since this is his field: are there any tax advantages to being an American resident in Canada but working for a US company? Look, thinking about Rob Conway’s financials makes me avoid the situation of actually thinking about this match.
Kane over Stevie Richards (Pinfall, chokeslam): Next.
Gail Kim over Victoria, Non-Title Match, Thank God (Submission, arm-bar/headscissors combo): The Human Fuck-Up Factory in a singles match? And she goes over? Will Victoria’s pain, and ours for that matter, never end?
Chris Benoit over Shawn Michaels, World Title Match (Pinfall, Son-In-Law-ference): Since it’s in my contract to do so, I’ll dwell on the negatives, starting with the ending. Yes, it makes sense given the booking, but for once, I agree with Ross’ fake indignation. It shouldn’t have ended this way. One or the other over clean, a big hug in the middle of the ring, then Trip comes out for the beatdown afterward. It’s just so simple, isn’t it? Next, we come to Shawn’s ass crack making its first appearance in years on Raw. Nice to see he hasn’t lost that smile, huh? And last but not least, we come to that f*cking drama queen Mike Chioda. Now I’ve been bitching about him the last few weeks, and this shit is the reason why. In a match like this, if you’re the ref, you make yourself scarce, not horn in at every single opportunity. He singlehandedly almost prevented the match from establishing a flow early on. I was actually rooting for a ref bump, and it came too late for my taste. Other than that, I have nothing bad to say. It’s Benoit/Michaels, and they gave it the amount of time that I predicted they would (right, Flea?). Rematch, with a ladder, and without Trip, please.
The Joe In Me had a nice observation about one pivotal move in the match which I’d like to pass on:
One more note from Raw that slipped my mind. I had to point out the subtle bit of psychology in Shawn Michaels putting Chris Benoit in the elevated Boston Crab, a move that Benoit used quite often in Japan. It was a nice touch to those of us who know that Benoit enjoyed using that move. He quit using it when he went to WCW, I believe, because Chris Jericho was using it and Benoit has about 17 other moves he can use to finish off opponents.
Thank you. I forgot that Benoit was using the elevated crab (now better known as the Walls of Jericho, as you pointed out) in Japan as a submission finisher. I was half expecting Ross to call it the Walls, in fact. Now that would have been weird.
The Pride Of Dartmouth His Own Self, though, wishes to disagree with me about one of those points (what a surprise):
Oh, and I must say that I actually LIKE the finish of Michaels and Benoit. First of all, there’s no guarantee that Benoit WOULDN’T have kicked out if Triple H hadn’t interfered…since the ref was still out when HBK hit the superkick, Benoit might have been able to kick out by the time the ref came to. Second, this whole respect vibe that preceded the match, coupled with the inconclusive finish, probably means that we’ll see another Michaels-Benoit match in the near future, and that is most assuredly a GOOD THING.
Oh, yes, I agree on that last point (as said above), but they could have done something with that. For instance, when Benoit was heading out, they could have had him see a replay of the Pedigree on the Titantron, look back at Trip, and give one of those typical Benoit “I’m going to rip out your heart and devour it while you look on” expressions, then he and Michaels could go to Bisch next week together and ask for the rematch (ladder match with Trip banned from ringside on pain of indefinite suspension, of course). And by the way, El, congrats on that phone interview, but you’ve got to nail it down with the face-to-face. Take it from someone who’s become a master at phone interviews: they only get you into the door. And I hope that you’ll remember your friends if things go right.
Angle Developments:
Room For Improvement: Fleabag and I were talking over the weekend, and he noted the improvement in Ross lately, but couldn’t come up with an explanation. I didn’t really notice the improvement in him, but I had the explanation on hand. Ever since Johnny Ace took over his duties as point man for personnel, Ross has had the ability to concentrate on his announcing without having all of the other distractions impeding his ability. And I do have to admit that he has been acting less like a premature Alzheimer’s case in recent weeks. ‘Bag didn’t buy it, but I think he understood where I was going with it.
Of course, there are some who don’t believe that Ross is improving. The Ravin’ Cajun, for example:
Listening to Jim Ross talk sometimes I can’t help but think of Shawn Wallace’s character from The Princess Bride. He used the word “inconcievable” so many times it prompted the great line by Mandy Patinkin’s Inigo Montoya- “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Jim, Christian did NOT literally dissect Chris Jericho, as he did not cut him apart and study him for examination. However, we DO dissect the many misused words you go for each week and find way to make fun of you for it. So, there you go.
A Decent Query: The Joe In Me asks this: Now that Lance Storm is retired from in-ring competition, can we stop referring to Lance Cade as “Garrison,” which is probably the worst name you can give a wrestler and expect him to get over? Well, it isn’t the worst name. Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw comes to mind. “Eugene” is a contender as well. But considering the track record of Lances in the wrestling business, would he really be better off?
Onward, Christian’s Soldiers: I’m bored with the Jericho/Christian/Trish angle. I don’t like the Kane/Hardy/Lita angle. But a good beatdown is always nice, and Jericho knows how to take a beatdown better than anyone. So the Highlight Reel Transition was fine by me. However, there was one Reverse Little Thing that I hope Haley caught: when Matt was making his entrance, Christian’s video side panels were clearly visible, so his entrance later was no surprise (as if the angle didn’t require it). By the way, in just one promo, Bischoff hyped the Christian/Jericho cage match better than TNA did in six weeks of buildup. That’s why Bisch is great and TNA sucks.
And Into Every Dark Cloud A Silver Lining Must Appear: As I said, I hate retards. And as I said, I have my reasons for doing so, they’re very personal, and I don’t want to discuss them. However, the fact that the presence of a retard allowed me to see Regal in a ring doing a little wrestling again makes me tolerate it, if only for a second. Well, that and the fact that Regal played perfectly against a Trip water bottle. He is truly the greatest.
By the way, BFM reminded me of something that a lot of us have forgotten about: Dinsmore and Conway are old tag partners, and they were among the best talents OVW had during what he described as OVW’s “pre-WWE-minor-league” days. According to him, the OVW webmistress says they can do twenty in their sleep against each other. Well, they’ll be given about five, and Dinsmore will have to go over, but it won’t be dire to watch, and will fit in nicely with next week’s chock-full-o’good-matches card (oh, and let’s not forget, HIROHITO! will be debuting next week on Raw as well; be still my beating heart).
Now all you have to do is wait until tomorrow, go over to Black, and do the same thing. Also, hit the rest of the site too. The boys will appreciate it.
About Eric Szulczewski
