411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 05.07.04

Welcome back to The Bootleg. As a public service to my readers out there, let me save you the seven syllables that this introduction is sure to induce:

“You didn’t watch Friends last night?!?”

Nope. And, it’s not that I had some depressing little diaper task involving Baby Bootleg or the weekly deadline pressures involving Column Bootleg…I’ve just never been a fan of Friends.

Maybe it’s, as Wayne Brady might say…”A Black Thing”. For maximum effect, you’ll have to imagine me saying “quote-unquote” and using that exaggerated two-finger quoting pantomime with that last sentence.

Six beautiful white folk…living in New York City…solving all of their “problems” in 30 minutes (22, if you remove the commercials). I mean, I’m an unattractive Black man born and raised in California. There’s not exactly a plethora of programming geared towards my preferences.

It’s weird…I was never much of a Seinfeld fan, before I finally was able to catch up via syndication. When I was home on a Thursday night in the ’90s, that meant the trifecta of Fox, baby. Martin at 8:00…Living Single at 8:30…and New York Undercover at 9:00.

And, how could you not love New York Undercover? For those who don’t know, Fox took the prissy Puerto Rican dancer from Fame, dressed her up like a man and paired “him” with one of the Jamaican bobsledders from Cool Runnings. They played bad-ass detectives who fought crime, cracked jokes and occasionally teamed with a young and delicious Lauren Vélez, before her stint as Dr. Gloria Nathan on Oz.

Nothing lasts forever, though. New York Undercover eventually succumbed to its low ratings. Martin Lawrence, after a few seasons on his show, began thinking that “loud” = “funny”, while Kim Coles tragically hastened the end of Living Single when she ate co-stars T.C. Carson and Erika Alexander. Ever see Anaconda? Yeah, it was a lot like that…

Just think of The Goodness as “Must Read TV”…Jesus, that was awful. Now, do you see why I don’t let my wife contribute more often?

We Do B*tches Right!

The repercussions from Lil’ Kim’s current legal drama seemingly know no bounds. Now, a few weeks ago, that line would’ve set up yet another fat chick quip (“…knows no bounds…like her stretch marks.”) but, this time we at The Bootleg are obligated to take the high road. It seems that last weekend, Kim petitioned the court to attend The Kentucky Derby and all the accompanying pre and post-parties that turn Louisville into a real city for one week a year. Her request was denied, but it’s hoped that the judge will let her run in either The Preakness or The Belmont in a few more weeks.

Hey, speaking of that lousy commonwealth…has anyone seen the new ad campaign for Kentucky Fried Chicken or “KFC”, as it’s now commonly called? In the commercials, various day-players marvel at the quality of the deep-fried poultry and refer to it as “Kitchen Fresh Chicken”. As a former marketing student, I understand the stigma that is attached to the word “fried” in this heart-healthy era we live in. Yet, I can’t be the only one who finds the irony when the word “fresh” is attached to hundreds of thousands of gallons of recycled animal fat and poo-brown vegetable oil.

Hey, do you think KFC pours all that used grease into an old can of Crisco that sits on top of the stove for use the next day?

Sleepless In, uh…Line?

Missy Elliott was forced to cancel a performance at legendary Carnegie Hall due to extreme exhaustion and fatigue. Let’s see…she couldn’t be bothered to take the stage because she was really tired. Man, where to go with this one…how long has it been since I last used a reference to Saved By The Bell and Jessie Spano’s addiction to caffeine pills?

I generally like to wait a few months before I pull the same old joke out of my ass. Sure, Bill Simmons can get away with using references to Hoosiers and penning a “Las Vegas Diary” every other week, but that’s because the legion of Red Sox fans that follow him have so little else to look forward to:

“Hey, have you tried the new mocha buttah-scotch cappuccino at Dunkin’ Donuts? It’s wicked yummy!”

“Yeah, I had a cup this morning. And you know who was in line in front of me? Jerry Remy! Greatest day of my life…by fah!”

And for those of you unfamiliar with Bill Simmons or the New England life experience, go rent a copy of Celtic Pride. They’re both summed up pretty nicely with the muted, understated performances of Daniel Stern and Dan Akroyd.

I’d Do Her…But, God, She Annoys Me

Jessica Simpson will be performing in Central Park on May 22. The show is part of “The Play Safe at the Park” series and seeks to raise awareness of skin cancer prevention. I suggest fans arrive early, because Nick Lachey’s shift usually ends at 2:00 PM. After that, it could be anybody manning the churro stand and only Nick can strike that perfect balance between “crispy” and “chewy”.

On a related note, can my East Coast readers tell me which recent New York mayor is responsible for cleaning up Central Park in the first place? Isn’t that where joggers used to go to get attacked? Was it during the tyrannical reign of David Dinkins or Ed Koch when an awkwardly maturing Arnold Jackson was mugged at knifepoint on that “very special” episode of Diff’rent Strokes…non-Dudley molesting department.

There’s no truth to the long-standing rumor that the role of the mugger was Todd Bridges “as himself”. It was actually Dana Plato.

You’re Next, Ontario

If you’re a resident of any Canadian province and 50 Cent is advertised to appear within 50 miles of your home…you might want to consider staying in for the night. Last week, we reported on a shooting that took place after 50 played Montreal.

This week, news trickled down that just before another 50 Cent show in Winnipeg, two girls were robbed of their concert tickets by a pair of ne’er-do-well hosers. 50 heard about the girls’ plight and, through a local radio station, he sent a bunch of 50 Cent merchandise like signed posters, CDs and t-shirts to the young victims.

Now, I’m not saying that 50 Cent is a punk-biatch for showing his softer side, but when you consider the description of the robbers who mugged the two girls…oh, I didn’t mention that? The cops nabbed a pair of sisters, age 13 and 14, in connection with the crime. I always assumed that Canadian kids grew up watching Strange Brew, Slap Shot or John Candy’s salty turn in Canadian Bacon. Turns out your kids are sneaking peeks at Set It Off, instead.

I would just like to point out that for a safe alternative to the crime that plagues the streets of Winnipeg, why not try a Phoenix Coyotes game? I hear Wayne Gretzky is a part owner and Don Cherry is nowhere to be found.

In The Garden of Eden, Honey…!

Calgary, Alberta will be the home to a most unique Mother’s Day sermon this weekend. Pastor John Van Sloten plans to play 20 minutes of Metallica music and the video to the group’s The Unforgiven single. They’ll be used in a discussion on anger and forgiveness. There’s no word yet if Vince McMahon and Bret Hart will be seated together or in opposite pews. It seems that Van Sloten has previously used U2, Evanescence and Johnny Cash to get his messages through to his congregation.

Now, I don’t have a whole lotta church-going experience beyond Reverend Lovejoy’s occasional Simpsons cameos, but I thought the Lord abhorred rock and/or roll? Ooh, I probably should quit while I’m ahead here. We’ve all seen what happens to those who use religion as the foundation for a comic routine or cheap punchline. Or have we already forgotten the likes of Dana Carvey and Father Guido Sarducci?

“Paris Hilton To Star In New Video!”

There’s a headline you’re sure to see several times in the next few weeks. And, as you might expect, it’s just a tired and misleading way to run out the last few miles on Paris’ videotaped sex scandal odometer. This time around, she’s agreed to a cameo in Haitian rapper Won-G’s next video, Caught Up in the Rapture.

The cut is actually a remake of the Blondie classic, Rapture. OK…when Haitian rappers are putting their own spin on Blondie, it might be time for someone to step in. Hey, that reminds me…is “Blondie” still running in newspaper comic strips? That crazy Dagwood always made me laugh.

Of course, that was before The Dilbert era. Comic strips used to be a diversion from all the bad news on the front page. Now, they’re not-as-clever-as-you-think cubicle wallpaper. True story: last weekend I picked up Season One of Dave Chappelle on DVD. Right next to it was the complete Dilbert UPN series. How bad was that show…? The producers of Homeboys In Outer Space told me they thought it could’ve been funnier.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Have you ever wondered what would happen if one of those Punk’d pranks went horribly wrong? Our friends over at MTV found out the hard way when the show turned its hidden cameras on members of The Black Eyed Peas.

The gag involved fake policemen, false accusations and that always hilarious moment when the butt of the joke is told, “You’ve been Punk’d!” and the next five minutes are spent explaining to the victim what Punk’d is. Have you noticed that? The same thing happens on The Jaime Kennedy Experiment.

“You’ve been X’d! See, it’s a hidden camera show. No, not Candid Camera, but we did steal the whole concept from them, so it’s kind of the same…except with extreme…or attitude…or something.”

Anyways, when the faux cops attempted to cuff one of the BEPs, a member of their entourage immediately took a swing at the “officer” and a brief little melee ensued before the group was told it was only a joke. It saddens me to report that Ashton Kutcher was not…repeat not harmed in this incident.

Hey, I thought this stupid ass show was cancelled, anyway? How much longer do we have to wait before Ashton crawls back under the toadstool that spore him? There’s plenty of room next to Bill from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Dan Cortese.

General Haberdashery

As usual, we start with my eventual character witnesses in that culture clash known as The Minority Report.

The Mexican Messiah has Widro on the jukebox, thoughts on the breasts of a 17-year-old girl and, like me, he can’t stand those marshmallow “peeps”, either. And, don’t get me started on candy corn.

Canadian T drops a Sid Vicious reference and super-sizes the Canadian content. He also has a message for everyone who thinks punk is dead: there’s no ‘e’ in truly.

Smilo warns us to “not expect much in the way of music news”, then goes out and drops a non-music column that kicks eight kinds of ass. You read now.

Melchor introduces the Wu-Tang Clan to Prince. I wish I could think of a witty way to finish that thought, but I can’t, so read Double M and see if he can.

How’s about a rare plug for something I didn’t write over on 411Black? Dave Gagnon’s new column comes with The Bootleg’s Seal of Approval. (OK, it’s just an old scratch n’ sniff sticker with a picture of a cake and the words You take the cake!) It doesn’t smell like anything.

And our resident comic book guy (played by Mathan Erhardt in an intriguing dual role) lets me share the stage with him. OK, he reads my questions…but he does spell my name right!

If it’s May, then it must be time for the start of the summer blockbuster season over in Movies. Joe Reid, the brains behind our popular “cast the ’80s Yankees” feature from the last two weeks, should have his Friday News ready to serve.

Junk Mail

Here’s a little bit of last week’s Bootleg:

OK, can anyone (in Canada) possibly confirm this (50 Cent shooting) story as it sounds just a little too far-fetched even for the confines of 411. And, can you buy Kevlar at any corner store in Quebec? Does anyone else think that former Nordique draft pick Eric Lindros saw the fall of Canadian society coming long before the rest of us, thereby forcing his eventual trade to Philadelphia? Does anyone else think that Lindros needs help remembering what he had for breakfast? (Non-hockey fans: just replace “Lindros” with “Ronald Reagan”…concussions, senility, it’s all good.)

411’s own Dave Gagnon took the time to provide a cool little response:

– Yeah, the story is true. Rival street gangs were at the show and it led to this incident.

– I’m pretty sure you can buy Kevlar at any corner store in Quebec.

– Lindros was full of sh*t and I’m glad that he got hit so many times. I hate the Nordiques but it was stupid of him to refuse to play in Quebec. Basically, he thought that he could make more money in the US. It led to the biggest lopsided trade ever: Lindros to Philly for Peter Forsberg, Ron Hextall, Chris Simon, Mike Ricci, Kerry Huffman, Steve Duschesne and lots of money. Quebec won that one.

Thanks for the input, brutha. And, I hope y’all will allow me to shamelessly plug my forthcoming appearance in Gagnon’s May 29 column.

Here’s another quick hit on the last week’s Movie Star Yankees roster from longtime Friend of the Bootleg, Trent:

The roster looks great. I’m glad you liked some of my suggestions. I was quite fond of Rickey playing himself as well. I didn’t realize that we shared a common interest in sports. If you get the time, or need an excuse to get away from dirty diapers, my friend and I started a sports satire web page about four months ago. It is jockscraps.com. We are new to this but we’re happy with the progress. Any stories you don’t like were written by my cohort.

I came across Trent’s link to his All-Time Top 10 NES Sports Games. Y’all be the judge, but in my humble opinion, he’s got NES Pro Wrestling about three spaces too low and Baseball Simulator 1.000 about 300 spaces too high. God, I hated that game. And where is that old T&C Surf n’ Skate Game?

And, last but not least…the email of the year, bar none:

Dear Sir,

Hey I’m Richard Mooney, 18 and from Glasgow, Scotland. I have no street cred but would you know how to get in contact with Marhsall (sic) Mathers, it’s just a rapper named Hydro, with Underdogg entertainmenet (sic), said my lyrics were ‘Da Bomb’. I just want to help Eminem get to the next level as I believe (sic) he could help me with what I have to say the world

I look forward to your reply.

Thanks Again,

Richard Mooney

MC Groundskeeper Willie? Hey, stranger things have happened.

Life With Baby Bootleg

Our son, Jalen, recently passed the 10-pound threshold, which is both a good and bad thing. The good news is that he’s more than 3X his birth weight and seems to be getting stronger everyday. The bad news is that he’s becoming nearly impossible to hold.

A couple of nights ago, while the A’s were gagging another one away to the Yankees, I was attempting to feed the boy while keeping a close eye on the ballgame. Try as I might, Jalen kept squirming his head free and inadvertently burying it into the corner of the couch.

After about the fourth or fifth time, I went to pull him back up when I was startled by the breathless gasp of Mrs. Bootleg:

“You’re picking him up by the face!”

I hadn’t even realized it, but sure enough, I was putting Jalen back into feeding position by reaching down with the palm of my hand under his chin and my thumb and forefingers on either of his temples…and pulling him up.

You know what’s really funny…? If I moved my hand up just another inch or two, C.P.S. might have a claim. After all, I can’t think of too many babies held in the iron claw hold who are allowed to stay with their parents. Barry Windham and Giant Panther would be so proud.

Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week

“I might spend the a couple of nights at the timeshare this weekend.” – Thursday, May 6

See, it’s Mother’s Day Weekend as y’all know. And to celebrate the wife’s first ever Mother’s Day, the entire 619 area code is going to be injected with the insufferable estrogen of (inhale) her mother…my mother…and two of the wife’s crazy aunts.

One of the aunts has a time share just north of San Diego in Oceanside and the plan is for all the old hags to gather under one roof, drink sweet Jewish wine and bribe the towel boy to rub their bunions every 30 minutes.

For some reason, the wife would rather spend time with them than with me and I’m just devastated at this turn of events. Wait…she’s taking the kid, too? Possibly for the whole weekend? I think things are looking up. Now, let us all pray that she doesn’t read any of this.

Anyone know how to forward calls from my house to my cell phone? Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13