“Do as your Mistress commands you!â€
“Not now honey, there’s a game on!â€
Hello sports fans! Welcome to the first edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff. The world of sports can be a big and scary place but have no fear young samurai; together we’ll travel through all the major (and some minor) news items of the week! For this one, it’ll be the last few weeks. And maybe next week it’ll still be the last few weeks. But once I get into doing this every week, it will be of that previous singular week.
BUT FIRST!
Ok….I guess I have to do some sort of inane introduction about who I am and what this site is about blah blah blah. So let’s go over what I will be doing and what I will not be doing.
1) In every edition, I will briefly survey the top news stories in the national sports scene as well as adding my personal observations and thoughts on each individual topic as they merit.
2) Each topic will be itemized according to its respective sport.
3) Each sport is located on this list by using an equation of (importance and popularity) + where the progression of the sport is at that particular time.
4) I will not be doing every sport and every topic every week.
5) I won’t do predictions or direct previews. Other people on Black handle that.
6) I have my personal favorites in terms of both sports and teams; but if I do my job correctly, you will never know what they are.
7) I am completely making this up as I go along.
8) Look at me, making all these rules. Who the hell do I think I am?
9) I just want to make it to ten so it can look nice.
10) I lost interest in my own imagination a long time ago, so feel free to e-mail me your thoughts. If I can get some good communication going; the column can become more interactive.
Are we ready, good, let’s go!
BASKETBALL
The great thing about Sports is as it acts not only as an emotional thermostat, but provides a great forum for intellectual mediums well. The world of sports offers no taboo for debate. Whether it be racism, sexism, college hypocrisy, and yes…the philosophical definition of reckless manslaughter. The Williams trial is over, or has it just begun. The District Attorney’s office is going to take a few days to think it over but until then this is what we know in a very simplified form. He’s been a found not guilty on the major charges, guilty on the minor charges, and the jury was hung for the one in the middle. If the DA lays off a re-trial, Williams will most likely do no jail time. That should anger people as that is a definitive civil wrong by our judicial system. Now, no one should have to serve 20 years in prison for an accident no matter how tragic the result of that accident was. But is 5-10 years (parole hearing after 3?) too much to ask for? He killed a man while drunk and then instead of turning himself in, he covered it up and made it look like a suicide; therefore cheating him out of a ‘noble death’ as well as a noble life. And stop telling me how NICE he is Mr. Media! He killed a dog due to a 100 dollar bet. Nice people don’t kill dogs.
I know there is that OTHER trial going on, but let’s talk about the actual sport. We are down to the Elite Eight in the NBA, I mean ummm nine? So last week, we were three days deep into the second round, and yet we were not out of the first round. If you love third dimensional representations of surrealistic non-linear paradigms, you’ll love the NBA Playoffs!!! Take a look at the Nets/Pistons. First of all the New Jersey Nets swept the Knicks which meant they get a little break—a little break of NINE days! And if this series should go for 7 games, it will take SEVENTEEN days! Then you got the Wolves and Kings; they played two Tuesdays ago on TNT. Then didn’t play for four days until Saturday on ESPN. Then on Monday on TNT, then the following Wednesday on ESPN; now they will be back on Friday on TNT despite the fact ESPN has been showing the NBA on Friday nights all season long. Nobody knows what the hell is going on and if you can keep track of these playoffs then God’s speed to you.
And just about everyone and their puppy agree: The first round SHOULD go back to three games, but NEEDS to at least go back to five. Unfortunately, the NBA is not like the NHL where a hot goalie can bust a playoff bracket by himself. In the NBA, the good teams win, and the mediocre teams lose. Always.
So while the NBA is going through some “issues†right now; lets take a look at the past. Remember the days when David Stern used to rig the NBA lottery. Ethically wrong maybe, but it always worked out well for the sport itself. The East and West were evenly stocked and the best players went to the big cities i.e. New York, Los Angles, Detroit, Chicago, Boston, etc. But, after awhile some people cried foul and he started to get some flack for it in the mid-1990s, and now he lets the media watch the “random drawingâ€. Whether the draft should be rigged or not is another debate; what is not a debate is that the WNBA draft should have been rigged. Diana Taurasi NEEDED to go to the Connecticut Sun. It could have and would have sparked interest in what is so far a disaster. Now she’s in Phoenix and we’ll never hear from her again, just like Sue Bird stuck in a place where no one cares about her. There are only five places in the United States that LOVE women’s basketball and that’s where the WNBA needs to put its stars so that maybe the rest of the nation can catch on through osmosis. These places are the States of Connecticut, Louisiana, Tennessee, Indiana, and Texas Tech University.
HOCKEY
We’re down to the Frozen Four! In the Big East, we have the somewhat surprising yet not too surprising if you have been paying attention for the last couple of years: Tampa Bay Lightning squaring off against the perennial underachievers: The Filadelphia Phlyers. On the Left side of the continent, we will be guaranteed a new ‘heavyweight contender’ in the NHL as the San Jose Sharks go at it against Canada’s last hope, the Calgary Flames. Hockey Fans should rejoice as these are the four most exciting teams in hockey; bar none. All are fast, tough, and offensive minded and so far there have been plenty of moments that make us scream “oh my god’ and ‘ohhhhhhhh!’. I’m not sure any will become a clear neutral-fan favorite; as all four have good ‘excuses to win’. The Calgary Flames will be considered by most to be the underdog in all this; making it easy for people to jump on their bandwagons. Plus at this point, even Americans are rooting for a Canadian team to take the Cup home. BUT, they are the only team of the four to have a cup within the AGFG era (After Gretzky’s First Game); 1989 to be exact. The Filadelphia Phlyers won it wayyyy back (back to back) in 1974 and 1975. They were instrumental in popularizing hockey in America on a national base and became one of the most loved and hated teams in sports. In 2004, not much has changed; one hates them or loves them, no in-between. As for our two expansion-era teams, the NHL and its corporate partners are rooting for the San Jose Sharks. This is a team that can be marketed to hell and back. Plus having he best-selling hockey logo in the US helps too. Purists seem to have a soft spot for the Tampa Bay Lightning. Some great long time veterans (who never won a cup-always great karma) talented rookies, a beloved coach, and no hateful rivalries makes them the easiest team to root for.
But who’s going to watch it? Not too many people if these ratings hold up. According to Nielson Media, less then 2% of the available viewing audience are watching the NHL playoffs. Less then 2% doesn’t actually create water cooler talk. In the real world most of my hockey conversations go like this:
Me: Did you see that awesome hockey game last night? Double OT…WOW!
Other Person: No
It gets worse for Hockey. We all know that next season may be shortened or scrapped as the current CBA will expire a few days after the Stanley Cup Finals. But it is guaranteed to lose its ever shrinking TV time. ABC has an out clause if the ratings are below par, and they will be using it. The other stations aren’t even interested. ESPN which decreased its regular season package by 8 games this season are asking to decrease it again. Hard times are comin’…..
BASEBALL
Barry Bonds is the ‘mega-heel’ in baseball and most likely, MLB couldn’t be happier. Steroids or not, people like watching him and love hating him. He’s as popular as Babe Ruth ever was and if you’ don’t believe me. Give him the Babe Ruth test. Go to someone who knows nothing about sports. They have no idea who Derek Jeter, or Shaq is. But they will know who Barry Bonds is. He’s a liar, a jerk, and most likely a cheater. But he has brought back the villain in Baseball. Unfortunately, everyone sort of just wants this little Grand Jury investigation on BALCO to simply go away but its gonna get alot worse before it gets better. In fact, it could get really bad….
A little controversy happened a week ago. 15 Baseball stadiums would have had Spider-Man on their bases due to a cross promotion of MLB and Spider Man 2. Was it wrong or right? Desecration or simply capitalism? I don’t know nor do I really care as my opinion was this. If Spider-Man 2 put their little blurbs on a major league baseball field it had better be a dam good movie. But they backed off; and the nazis can rejoice that a bag of sand wasn’t desecrated. Some are saying they were never going to put little web-singers; it was all a conspiracy to get people talking. Folks, this is Hollywood and Major League Baseball. Not exactly the bastions of marketing genius.
Roger Clemens is now 7-0. All I can say is…wow. Personally, I think a Yankee/Astros world series would be just what the doctor ordered…..
FOOTBALL
Football….in May? I guess one has to mention it when the NFL Draft was the most watched so-called sporting event on television that particular week. A lot of people got offended that Eli Manning held the San Diego Chargers hostage in order to get to a marquis team. But hey, he wasn’t the first one. He won’t be the last one. What’s wrong with choosing where one wants to work anyway? I understand it sort of undermines the credibility of the actual drafting part of the draft, but in a league where the players are screwed on a daily basis by every direction, it was nice to see some college brat giving the NFL the middle finger.
Arena Football can now consider themselves the fourth major team sport as its ratings are higher then hockey. Poor little NHL, it just gets worse and worse.
BOXING
In what was one of the most intense heavyweight championships in years, Vitali Klitschko beat Corrie Sanders to become the WBC champion and more importantly, become the people’s heavyweight champion. The other champs in the Alphabet Soup are John Ruiz, Chris Byrd, and Lamon Brewster. Expect those last three names to change several times over the next couple of years as Klitschko may or may not try to unify the title. Right now there is much more money in a rematch with Lennox Lewis which is as of now being rumored as a definite maybe for next summer. Also, if the 3000th Mike Tyson comeback works well for him, people are gonna scream for a Tyson/Klitchko battle. In other words, we may not see an undisputed heavyweight champion for a long time. Nor do we need to. Vitali is the champ and everybody knows it.
The featherweight bout between Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez was an instant classic. The Pac Man knocked down Marquez three times in the first round only for him to comeback valiantly for the next 11 rounds and earn a somewhat controversial draw. But I don’t want to talk about the draw. Pacquiao probably should have won by a nose; but in boxing if you don’t knock the guy out, it’s up to the corrupt gods. I wanna talk about the fact that boxing doesn’t understand we are in the 21st century (it is 21st, right?). During the entire fight, the announcers were shocked that the entire arena was rotting for Pacquiao; a Filipino native. Whites, blacks, hispanics, and asians, everyone was rooting for him. They really thought that the Mexican audience in Las Vegas would go behind their countryman and were surprised Americans were so eagerly behind the Pac Man. Jesus Christ guys. Pacquiao is the boxing fan’s boxer and represents all of what people love about the sport. Of course everyone was rooting for him. Who the hell cares where they are from? The answer is two types of people; Boxing Promoters and Boxing Reporters. Remember guys, just because you don’t ‘hate’ a race; doesn’t exclude you from being a racist. That’s my sociology lecture of the day.
HORSE RACING
This horse won a race. Now people want this horse to win the next race. Then two weeks after that, people want that horse to win another race. Then they will be happy. Then the horse becomes Japanese Dog Food.
GANGS OF NEW YORK
So the Prison system used to keep the Bloods and Crips apart from each other; but due to bureaucracy and hypocrisy, a New York maximum facility put them together on the same cellblock. Then one of the largest riots in years broke out. Good job guys; from the psychotic prisoners stuck in their own little worlds to the corrupt guards who would rather collect 20 dollar bills then do their job to the negligent warden who thinks this prison is nothing but a pitstop to a congressional seat to our blind politicians who are just simply dumb. All of you deserve a round of applause. My question as a sports reporter is…who won, the Bloods or Crips?
SKATEBOARDING
The Mother’s Day Mighty Mama Skate-O-Rama Skateboarding Classic got higher ratings then the NHL last weekend.
KILL BILL II
Just pluggin’ what is now along with Fellini’s “LA Dolce Vita†and David Lynch’s “Mulholland Drive†as the ones that go in the Personal Favorites category. Plus I loved the use of one of my favorite score musicians, Ennio Morricone. The fact is you probably don’t know who Ennio Morricone is and that makes me sad.
APPLE MARTINIS
What makes me happy is Apple Martinis. I don’t know why but I’m going through this bizarre Apple Martini kick.. 8 Bucks a pop….Dam. Why couldn’t I go through a Coors Lite kick.
That’s a wrap! See you next week!
