Reviewer: Iain Burnside
Story Title: Mind Games part 5 – Dirty Laundry
Written by: Karl Bollers
Penciled by: Carlo Pagulayan
Inked by: Dennis Crisostomo
Colored by: Transparency Digital
Lettered by: Cory Petit
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Who even decided that Emma Frost needed a solo, prequel series? Was it writer Karl Bollers? Was it editor Mike Marts? Perhaps it could have been the ubiquitous Joe Quesada? Whoever came up with the idea deserves praise for their insight and a good talking-to about the virtues of diligence, as this title has gone down faster than an anorexic elderly hooker punched in the face by a heavyweight boxing champion. Ask any X-Men fan who has been around since before the movies and they would definitely be intrigued in seeing what made Emma turn into such a villainess before her redemption at the hands of our friendly neighbourhood mutants. Ask any X-Men fan who has come on board following the movies and the only interest would come from horny acne cases lusting after that costume. Well its hard cheese for everyone then, as the early Emma has no sexualized image and Bollers appears to have next to no interest in turning her heel. Instead we are left with the adventures of a generic young woman trying to make her way in the big city without help from her rich father. The fact that she shares the same mutant gifts and name as ‘classic’ Emma Frost is nothing more than a coincidence so far. Supposedly this is meant to appeal to the burgeoning female demographic but, unless they are female zombies, I fail to see how.
The one basic element in the episodic nature of storytelling that has become ever more prevalent in the TPB market is that the reader must finish one issue with a burning need to get his hands on the next one. That’s why I can’t wait for Batman #628 or even for District X #2. In the case of the former, I want to know more about this Scarebeast character and how Batman will react to him. In the case of the latter, the new environment was introduced brilliantly and I want to see how Bishop fits into it. In the case of Emma Frost #11, I can’t even remember what happened in the previous issue. As for next month, this one ends as it began with Emma being held captive by a gangster named Lucien who is trying to extort money from her father. Okay, and… what, exactly? Everybody knows that Emma cannot die and so any danger from this situation is lessened considerably. What’s more, the big dramatic scene in this issue about Lucien supposedly sending her severed ear to her family by courier is ludicrous. We all know that Emma survives perfectly intact to the present timeline! Sure, they could throw in some ridiculously contrived retcon along the way but is that all I have to look forward to from this book? A smegging retcon? In the words of the immortal MacReady, “Yeah, well f*ck you too!†The whole issue is dedicated to this type of nonsense, remaining free of the purported suspense it claims to have.
Congratulations Bollers, Emma Frost just made my drop list. Lucky for you there is only one issue left in this arc or I’d break my fanboy completist rule about always finishing arcs. Exactly how many bloody issues does this one need anyway? What is the big message here supposed to be? It can’t be to stay away from ‘bad boys’ because Troy has never been one of them, not to mention that all this is as much Emma’s fault as it is his. It can’t be about the importance of family because they are all such laughable cookie-cutter caricatures. I seriously hope it is not to provide foreshadowing of Emma’s future moral outlook as this is so hopelessly artificial nobody could possibly take it seriously.
“So, Miss Frost, why do you want to join the Hellfire Club?â€
“Because my daddy wouldn’t pay off my kidnappers, had my gay brother institutionalized and kept my mother drugged up and other his thumb. Oh, and my sister tried to get me bumped off. And my first boyfriend was killed by my kidnappers. And my first crush was a teacher sent packing for fancying me.â€
“Sorry, I don’t watch Dynasty.â€
Ugh. In fact, I’m so incredibly bored by all of this and have no damn interest in what’s going on that I am going to call a halt to this review prematurely. Instead, here is a list of ten things more fun than reading this book:
- Memorising the book of Genesis
- Counting all of your pubic hairs
- Watching The Passion of the Christ eight times a day
- A comic book from 1993. Any one
- Talking in binary
- Jumping into a swimming pool full of six-year olds that have just drunk two litres of cola
- Sheep
- Scrubbing toilets
- A collection of lovely cagoules
- Potato-headed Ben Affleck
