Welcome back to The Bootleg. It’s shaping up to be a slow and lazy weekend for me and that’s a most welcome change. Two weeks ago, I celebrated Mother’s Day with most of the wife’s family. Unfortunately, the most lasting image from that weekend was walking in on two of the wife’s aunts while one was plucking the beard of the other.
And last weekend, my boy, Vig, came down from the Bay Area for a weekend of debauchery and baseball. How did it go, you ask? Let’s just say we had to pull out the old NES Baseball Stars 10-run mercy rule as “debauchery” failed to retire a batter in the bottom of the first.
The highlight was far and away catching a game at the newly opened Petco Park…home of the San Diego Padres. The local nine were playing the Chicago Cubs. I won’t bore you with any long-winded game summary. The Cubs won…Sammy Sosa hit one out that’s probably just landed…and Nunzio sang the National Anthem.
Ah, but the real fun was had in the stands. We were seated down the right field line, within prime heckling distance of the aforementioned Señor Sosa. To my displeasure, the best that San Diego fans could come up with were tired variations of the same barbs Sammy surely hears at every other ballpark he plays in.
Seriously…when taunts of “Corky!” are the best you can come up with, you might as well tell him he has bad penmanship, too.
Around the sixth inning, the Padres sent out a group of sickeningly enthusiastic college-aged cheerleaders called “The Pad Squad”. About a half-dozen men and women, bedecked in Padres jersey tops and khaki shorts, who hype the crowd up by firing t-shirts and other cheap goodies into the stands.
They were using one of those bungee/sling shot thingies to launch prizes into the vast recesses of the upper deck. The whole cheesy spectacle was starting to wind down, when The Pad Squad decided that those of us on the first level could use some high-quality crap, as well. However, instead of tossing the shirts and squeezable baseballs to us…they used the same tool that was launching these items a couple of hundred feet into the third level.
No lie…sh*t was flying into the stands faster than bullets through Biggie. It just so happens that an older Korean gentleman was seated to my immediate left. He had his arms outstretched for some free baseball booty, when he took one of those squeeze balls right in the chest at about 150 mph. It knocked him straight back into his chair, while the ball ricocheted off of him and wedged into the small space between the seats in front of him.
The guy was stunned, but OK, and at this point, I’m hyperventilating with laughter. A couple of innings later, The Pad Squad comes back out to launch more free projectiles. The guy grabs who I assume to be his grandson by the arm and starts running up the stairs like they did during the closing credits of The Benny Hill Show….except with much better teeth.
This week, The Goodness is sponsored by Callahan’s Irish Nachos. Nothing says “searing gas pain” like a 1:00 AM plate of waffle-cut fries, jalapenos, beans and pepper jack cheese.
It Stinks!
Those of you in and around Indianapolis probably still smell the stench that rapper Twista left behind from his concert last Sunday. And, as a side note, does anyone else think that a Twista “concert” is just two hours of that Slow Jamz cut with a cheap CD dub of Kanye West and Jaime Foxx in the background?
Anyways, we’re told that Twista’s tour bus spilled over 200 gallons of raw sewage from its tanks, shortly after the Indy show concluded. The whole situation was quickly contained, as firefighters simply hosed the waste off the streets and into the gutters. Yummy. Well, on the plus side, the city can finally add a fourth proud accomplishment to the “Welcome to Indianapolis” billboards:
Home of Eric Dickerson’s declining jheri-curl years!
Home of TV’s One Day At A Time Family!
Home of The Ultimate Warrior’s First Return to the WWF!
Home of the sh*ttiest streets and sewers in America…take that Tupelo!
Heathcliff Slocumb If You Got ‘Em
Kool Cigarettes have landed in some hot water for their new “Hip Hop”-themed marketing campaign. A lawsuit is currently pending against Kool by over 25 different states for the company’s alleged violation of laws that prohibit advertising smokes to the youth. The offending campaign features four “collectible” cigarette boxes featuring scenes of the staples of Hip Hop. There’s one with a DJ at the turntables, another with a graff artist image, a third with an MC on the mic and the fourth features a break-dancer. The whole tacky display forms a “mural” when all four pieces are joined together.
Y’know, kinda like how you had to buy all six Constructicons to build Devastator. Ooh, wait…not another Transformers reference…Hey, how about this: when did it become sexy for women to smoke cigars? Yeah, I can see the whole phallic imagery, but it’s not like I’d get off on watching The Olsen Twins split a foot-long sub or my wife’s best friend lick on a lollipop…although, I do hope to field test this theory someday. Anyways, hot chicks who smoke stogies turn into weather-beaten sea hags who smoke stogies…and we all know how smelly Grandma Ethel’s hugs are. Do you know she’s only 38?
Some Overdue WNBA Bashing
A Connecticut bar created a minor dust-up among rap fans when the owner of Longshot Sports Bar & Grill decided to ban 50 Cent songs from his weekly “Hip Hop Night” promotion. Robert Peterson cites the history of violence that has been linked to 50 Cent concerts and instead opts to play more “positive” cuts. OK…I could accept that the citizens of The Nutmeg State treat women’s college basketball as a significant sporting event, but someone needs to tell them that Skee-Lo does not equal “sports bar”.
And while I’m at it…Diana Taurasi does not equal “hot”. I saw her on one of those ESPN.com “hot athlete chick” tournaments that Page 2 runs every few weeks. When you talk like Tony Miceli and look like a slimmed down mini-moose version of Kara Wolters, your only hope is to draw Rebecca Lobo in a first-round comparison.
It’s Not Like She Could Sink Much Lower
Pamela Anderson has long been considered the Holy Grail of Hoes. So, it should come as no surprise that she’s finally found her way into Hip Hop. The former Baywatch star plays host on a new mixtape by West Coast producer Damizza. For those of you with some knowledge of the mixtape circuit, you already know that Anderson’s “host” role will be to speak inanely over each cut, with dialogue including, but not limited to the following: “New shit!” and “PAM! (Pam, Pam…)”
Is she this hard up for work? Isn’t anyone working on a screenplay for Barb Wire 2? Jeez, this is like watching the final years of your favorite athlete as he falls from perennial All-Star to a pathetic shell just barely hanging on to the fringes of the sport. It wasn’t that long ago that Pamela Anderson was considered a future Hall of Famer. A five-tool player with charisma to spare. So, how did she go from “red carpet” to “Rhonda Shear” in the blink of an eye? More importantly, can someone give Paris Hilton a ride down that same road?
What’s In A Name?
Coldplay’s Chris Martin and actress Gwyneth Paltrow are celebrating the one-week anniversary of their child’s birth today. Little Apple Blythe Alison Martin was born last Friday and tipped the scales at nine pounds, eleven…whoa, hold up.
Apple?
And I thought Black folk had cornered the market on worst baby names. I speak from experience, as I knew a sista in college who had a nephew named “Wesley Denzel”. I also lived in a ghetto-azz apartment complex with a neighbor’s kid named “Shaquille”, but this is a thousand times worse. Only time will tell if it pushes the worst celebrity-parent given name for a girl, which for the last few years has been Deion Sanders’ daughter, “Deiondra”.
I guess I shouldn’t paint my people with the same brush. It might be time to get the message to White folk, too…enough with the new-age names!
Why does every first-born girl after 1998 have to be named “Madison”, “Morgan”, “Jordan” or “Kaitlin”? These names work as long as she’s playing soccer on her 13-year-old traveling team and maybe until she’s studying for a final while wearing a ballcap with her ponytail sticking out of the back.
But, once little “Dakota” starts having kids of her own it ceases being cute. Why do you think there are no grown men with names like “Toby” or “Jeremy”? And don’t tell me you didn’t know at least a half-dozen of these guys when you were in grade school.
But, Is There Anyone Who Hasn’t Seen Her Naked?
Oh, those randy Brits. It seems that a naughty little commercial meant for U.K. eyes only is making its way across the Atlantic via the wonders of the internet. Christina Aguilera stars in the 30-second clip for the deliciously ironic Virgin Mobile (or Mo-byle, as it’s mispronounced over there). In it, she appears to be mounted atop someone’s bologna pony and the whole scene is captured by one of those camera phones, which have seemingly become the new laser pointers for the 21st century. Of course, those aren’t meant to be confused with Lazer Tag.
See, kids, back in the mid-1980s, in the three month window between the end of America’s Australia craze and the start of Swatch watch mania, an exciting new toy hit the shelves. Lazer Tag was hyped as the game of the future (the year 3010, if I remember correctly). The poorly made equipment (plastic “lazer” guns and removable chest target) quickly found its way to the back of kids’ closets everywhere…along with R.O.B., Rubik’s Cube and Teddy Ruxpin. Man, that bear was creepy.
By the by…you can view the X-tina commercial that’s too hot for American TV right here.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
When the readers of this site see the words “New York Times Bestseller”, most of them feel a little less shame about being a wrestling fan. They’ll proudly point to their copy of Mick Foley’s autobiography and say, to no one in particular, that’s because of ME!
Fortunately, for this news item, the literary world has dug up something even more pathetic. There’s apparently a sequel in the works to the smash-hit The Right Words at The Right Time, the inspirational book that featured words of wisdom and encouragement from a cross-section of celebrities and everyday fat-slappers like you n’ me. So, how does this tie into music?
Well, for the sequel, the book’s publisher has received submittals from three rappers of varying degrees of fame and infamy. Down South cat David Banner, old school icon Slick Rick and underground lyricist Ras Kass have all reportedly sent their best crayon n’ stick figure work in for publication, with the hopes of a little reader inspiration.
And who wouldn’t be moved by the words by a one-eyed former prison inmate…a current prison inmate…and a guy who raps professionally under The Incredible Hulk’s alter ego. The good news is that if Simon & Schuster turns these clowns down, there’s always room for them to write the 11th, 12th and 13th weekly sports column at 411 Black.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
The feedback amongst the 411 readers and writers was so positive to last week’s look back at B-Ball’s Best Kept Secrets, that Nick just HAD to follow-up with a song-by-song review.
Basketball’s Best Kept Secret Director’s Cut Extended Review
Last week, we here at the offices of the Bootleg, [Nick’a Please Division] brought you a quick hit review of Basketball’s Best Kept Secret, a compilation CD of NBA players’ attempt to rap, released back in 1994. It was one of those albums you were embarrassed to have six months after it came out but wish you still had for the unintentional comedy factor today. Y’all seemed to like it but the major complaint was that it was too short and that I should give the whole CD its due.
No fear as Nicka will provide you with song-by-song analysis of this 5-mic classic. Some of the songs I went over last week so I’m including that stuff with a few “Extended Deleted Scenes Bonus Footage” comments as well.
Check It-Dana Barros
DB actually holds up well as he comes the closest to sounding like an actual MC but in the end his track comes off like a watered down Black Moon joint from around the same time. Am I dating myself with that reference? Speaking of which did anyone realize that he was on the Celtics playoff roster this year and played ONE minute?
Like I said hold your head son/ it’ll only take a second
check it out now/c’mon while I wreck it
Apparently he was off by 59 seconds.
Lost in the Sauce-Malik Sealy
R.I.P. Malik. Since he’s no longer with us, I’m gonna go easy on him.
Actually big Malik has a pretty distinct sounding voice. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment, but the hook…
Life’s just one big jump shot/you’re either on or you might be off
Mic Check 1, 2-Shaquille O’Neal feat Ill and Al Scratch
No athlete-rap album would be complete without Shaq stopping by for “Mic Check 1,2”. 90s relics Ill and Al Scratch show up to assist the Big Aristotle. While Shaq’s rap “career” has become somewhat of a joke he did drop a couple of songs later on that were respectable. This is not one of them. Peep game son:
I could freak it Shaqapello/This big fellow
Is that your girlfriend-how you doin’ hello
a-e-i-o-u and sometimes y/call me jimmy snuka cause I’m superfly
It’s a faq yo Shaq that sh*t is waq.
Flow On-Cedric Ceballos featuring Warren G
This one had a video that actually got some play on Rap City if I recall. Although much of the mid 90s may have disappeared into a haze of hops and barley, I distinctly remember bumpin’ this song in my dorm like it was all good or something. IT WASN’T. I believe this was around the time Cedric was on a jet-skiing sabbatical when he took a vacation in the middle of the NBA season. He got Warren G to produce the track, which Cedric the non-entertainer so dutifully notes in the song:
Verse 3 I think it’s time to wrap this thing up/
Warren G flexed the cut make it go bumpity bump
It does have that mid 90s west coast vibe. However, the lyrics are hysterical.
It’s a West Side thang/Mics I slang
Winnin’ battles ain’t nothing but a chicken wing
Holy shit. KFC’s new slogan:”Winnin battles ain’t nothing but a chicken wing!” I heard Dre and Snoop originally wanted to call their classic Nuthin’ But a Chicken Wing Thang but shortened it.
Anything Can Happen-Brian Shaw
Damn, has everyone on this album played for the Lakers? Well, Brian’s right, anything can happen. Including embarrassing himself by recording a rap song. This song actually is a heartfelt recounting of Shaw’s rather rough life where he lost most of his family. However the lame ass R&B hook is beyond comprehension:
Anything can happen/life is like a pool game
People don’t know/and its a damn shame
Listen, I’m a fan of hip-hop so I let a lot of things slide. Shouldn’t B-Shaw’s R&B crooner say how life is like a pool game? Just follows it up with “people don’t know”?
Well the song was produced by Ant Banks who myself, Aaron Cameron and Ant Banks know also did some otherworldly production on Deion Sanders seminal classic, Prime Time. That my friends, is a whole separate Nick’a Please.
Sumptin’ To Groove To-Chris Mills
The “fly-girl” layer as he calls himself, raps like a black Ben Stein, never changing his cadence. By the end of the 2nd verse he’s already done trying to make the words rhyme.
Let’s take it to the bank
I gotta give thanks to my friends and my folks
Cause without them/Who knows where I’d be
I’m Chris Mills/ you can’t see me
I’m C-Mills kid, I know you know. Fortunately I don’t.
What the Kidd Didd-Jason Kidd featuring Money B.
Mad props to Money B of Digital Underground for the biggest drop-off in playing second banana hype-man on a rap track EVER. How the F#$% did he go from being on 2Pac’s I Get Around to this sh*t?
Anyway, there’s no denying J-Kidd is the NBA’s best point guard but if teams want to rattle him, they should start playing this song every time he brings the ball up. I can’t tell you how many hours of enjoyment this track has given me. Guaranteed laughs. The best way to describe it is it sounds like someone forced him to do karaoke and he decided to just talk over the beat. Some classic lines that I still use today:
“No one said bein’ a Kidd was easy”
“I give assists like a high school tutor”
“More steals than Rickey Hen from the Pac 10”
“But hey accidents happen”
(I assume this was before his hit and run incident?)
(Editor’s note: 10 years later I still don’t know what his line: “I shoulda seen it comin’ like Rocky’s momma” means, so if anyone knows, please enlighten me.)
Funk In the Trunk-J.R. Rider
Another ex-Laker. Well I’ve heard worse raps than his. Unfortunately, most of them were on this album. I assume he was in some sort of substance-induced state of mind when he recorded it. The real tragedy is that it doesn’t have the comic appeal of J-Kidd or Shaq.
It’s the funk in your trunk slammin’ hard like a monster dunk
He’s givin’ me nothing to work with here.
All Night Party-Dennis Scott featuring Sauce Money
DJ Clark Kent lends his name on this production and includes verses from then unknown Sauce Money. The beat sounds like most of the East Coast stuff from around that time. Another cookie-cutter, awful R&B hook. Well-produced and they do their best to hide D-Scott, much like his agent after he flipped out on a bunch of kids at a basketball camp. If anyone out there was in attendance, please let us know.
Livin’ Legal and Large-Gary Payton
Opening line/hook:
Livin Legal and Large GP’s the Maaaaan in charge/He’s got his game on youuuuuuuuu
Play that opener over and over again, it’s a close second to Kidd’s track for comedy. Awesome stuff. GP is actually OK on this. It seems as though he’s doing his best impersonation of fellow Bay Area icon Too Short.
Ya Don’t Stop-Dana Barros/Cedric Ceballos/Diamond D/Grand Puba/A.G./Sadat X
The CD closes out with a barrage of MCs that are nowhere to be found anymore and 2 B-ballers. Nothing really funny about this one except that Sadat X, who was OK back in the day, now sounds like Dave Chappelle when he jokingly raps on his show. You can almost hear him say:
I’m Sadat X, and I’m stuck on this sh*tty album, bitch!
Well folks, it looks like Basketball’s Best Kept Secret is finally out of the bag. Pick up a $.99 copy on eBay. I get 2-cent residuals for each one sold as Nicka Please surely will cause a surge in purchases of this album over the next week.
General Haberdashery
Thanks to all who wrote in to tell me how much they dug last week’s Transformers-themed (Brown n’ Serve) links. Now, I’m forced to try and top that, so why not have some fun with your favorite 411 writers and their bad ’80s sitcom equivalents?
The Mexican Messiah is the A.K.A. Pablo to my Frank’s Place. He’s got Widro serving up food metaphors and one of our literate blobs from the Rasslin’ Zone on The Jukebox.
Canadian T. reminds me of Canada. And when you think Canada and the ’80s, who else but Alan Thicke and Growing Pains comes to mind?
Cocozza’s latest near-death experience proves he is not human. So, by the transitive property of geometry, he must be Alf.
Smilo has adopted a no-frills approach to the music news these days. I’m not sure what that has to do with Silver Spoons, but I’m told Elliott could pass for an awkward late-teens Ricky Schroeder.
Mathan is the embodiment of The Tracey Ullman Show. He’s got your musical numbers, a little bit of animation and Julie Kavner naked.
Junk Mail
This week’s mail was primarily driven by last week’s question on Korn, which I asked below:
Lil’ Jon is planning to hit the studio next week with Korn. Now, I’m going to need some help from the rock n’ roll segment of my readers…is Korn considered quote-unquote cool? I heard them on that Ice Cube cut F*** Dying, but I know little else about them. Should rock fans be outraged or is the hope that Lil’ Jon actually does ruin their careers, like some sort of Dusty Baker/Kerry Wood arrangement?
Y’all weren’t short on opinions…
It’s not that big of a deal…the whole korn and lil john thing. They have been putting out records every year since 99 and nothing has had the success of their breakthrough “follow the leader” …they basically just blow. The best part is their bass player fieldy cut a rap album like 2 years ago that bombed hard.
lil john is probably in the worst end of the deal. korn is over. this may just overkill lil john even more. i think there may be a few korn fans out there, but like i say, I don’t like korn or bizkits. – J Rocka
Here’s another one…
I am something of a KoRn expert myself, so I’ll see if I can shed some light for ya. Truth is, the KoRn/Hip-Hop connection is nothing new. KoRn has worked with a number of hip-hop artists, most prominently with Ice Cube. The second KoRn album actually had the track “Wicked,” an Ice Cube cover. KoRn appeared on F* Dying, as you mentioned, and Ice Cube returned the favor when he appeared on “Children of the KoRn” from KoRn’s third album.
That album also featured The Pharcyde on the track “Cameltosis.” More recently, KoRn collaborated with none other than NAS on the track “Play Me,” from the current album Take A Look In The Mirror.
As far as the outrage of rock fans, that one’s hard to call. In general, it’s pretty much a love ’em or hate ’em deal with KoRn. It’s really just the typical backlash that occurs when TRL happens to acknowledge a song or two from a given metal band. The new fans swarm in due the exposure, then the old fans get pissed off and start throwing out the “sellout” accusations.
So while they are not really “en vogue” in the realm of metal they still have quite a following. They’ve been relatively low profile for the last couple of years with barely a peep from the MTV crew, and the last album was rather loud and not very radio-friendly – so a counter-backlash of elitist opinion may be imminent. Take that for what it’s worth. Thanks for the good work!–Gabe
Last week’s reference to Mase and Welcome Back Kotter brought a few of the hip hop historians into my inbox. Of course, m’man Sankofa is at the front of the line:
Onyx in their failed comeback attempt (this a little bit after Sticky Fingaz
tried to drop a solo album and convince people to care) flipped the Kotter theme for the same track as your best buddy in Christ Mason whateverhisnameis.
How could you mention the rapper formerly known as Mase Murder (back when he was in a crew with Killa Cam[ron] and one of my all time favorites Big L) and neglect to mention his label that put out one album with his twin sister (Harlem World) that probably caused Jermaine sososhortdef Dupri to fudge IRS numbers in an attempt to recoup?
I’ll give you that Mase is terrible, but all Clue did was find someone with even more sluggishness and sign him (fabocan’tspellhisnameright). Anyone who rocks throwback Denver Nuggets rainbow warm-ups gets the gasface.
Oh, believe it or not, there was a group (underground) that had jacked the Kotter theme song even before Mase stole it from Onyx. Wonderful world. Keep on with the column and I’ll keep trying to find internet access on Fridays.
Next up, 411’s own Mathan Erhardt drops a Dame Dash addendum:
You are too hard on Dame Dash, besides coming up with some of the most monumental dance moves, when he’s not pouring bottles of expensive champagne on video models, he’s a great shit talker. Dame is the one who sold me on Roc A Fella, plus he was going to marry Aaliyah. That should cut him some slack.
As for Stacey Dash, I think they’re just cousins. But she would still catch one, quick. And her nipples are the only reason to watch Kanye’s “All Falls Down” video.
Life With Baby Bootleg
I can honestly say that I’m trying. Damn it, kids, I’m really, really trying. It’s just that there are so many things that go into raising a child that I have no patience for. Our son is barely three months old and my wife is already reading to him.
Now, I’m willing to ignore the glazed, unresponsive, off-in-the-distance stare from Baby Bootleg that passes as his “response” to story time. In fact, my beef isn’t with the boy…it’s with my baby’s mama. I guess there are two complaints…
The first is that she reads too damn loud. Imagine a bedtime tale as told by Samuel L. Jackson with huge post-pregnant jugs. (“Hickory Dickory DOCK!”) I suppose I could’ve just said “Anthony Anderson” and killed two birds with one stone there, huh?
Second…even with a full frontal lobotomy, there’s no way she could find any books more inane than Guess How Much I Love You? The main characters are a pair of rabbits known as “Big Nut Brown Hare” and “Little Nut Brown Hare”.
I am not making this up. The names are like something out of the “lil’ gay bathhouse collection”.
Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week
“Are you going to be OK with Jalen? I’ll probably be gone for a couple of hours.” – Wednesday, May 19
Later today, the wife will entrust me with the welfare of our child for longer than she ever has before. She has a hair appointment at 4:30 PM this Friday afternoon. Those of you who know even one Black woman know that I’ll be lucky to see her in “a couple of hours”.
You can bet your ass that Miss Shanté will be overbooked and braiding two heads when my wife walks in fifteen minutes early. It’s never the stylist’s fault, either. A client came late or Raekwon didn’t show up to unlock the doors this morning or something like that.
The wife will plow through the last six weeks of Jet Magazine while waiting for a chair to open up. Unfortunately, all she’ll have to show for it is a comprehensive understanding of when every prime time show that features at least one African-American will actually air.
Her stylist will finally take her around 6:30 PM, but first, Shanté will need to finish off that $3.00 slab of sock-it-to-me cake that the church boosters came through and sold. 30 minutes later, it’ll be time for dinner and, since every Black hair salon and barbershop is adjacent to a Jamaican restaurant, it’ll be Jerk chicken for all.
The wife should be home around 10:00 PM and will spend the next 5-7 days sleeping completely upright, so as not to undo her “do”. And that’s why I loves my wife.
This joke is deader than the first five minutes of Six Feet Under. Just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
