VPJG: Hey! Feel like doing one?
Kaisen316: sure
VPJG: Okay. First give me a big introduction. Make it seem special that I’m back.
Kaisen316: So some weeks ago, I wrote in a column that Josh Grutman was leaving the 411 family for personal reasons. But… much like a case of genital herpies, he’s just never gone for good…. help me in welcoming back the one and only….. JOSHUA GRUTMAN!!!
VPJG: Daniels! You didn’t need to make all that fuss for little old me!
Kaisen316: It’s for the fans, Josh, for the fans
VPJG: This was always one of my favorite columns to do. What do you feel like discussing tonight?
Kaisen316: Well, way back before when we did this, we debated American Idol… remember?
VPJG: Yes we did. I was all for it.
Kaisen316: Well, since then I’ve started watching…. and I like the show
Kaisen316: And as you know, tonight was the season finale
Kaisen316: so, my question: Fantasia Barrino…. hit or bust?
VPJG: I’ll say hit.
Kaisen316: ok…. tell us what line of thinking led you to the wrong answer.
VPJG: Did you hear her? She’s like Macy Gray but good!
Kaisen316: maybe I’m the only one who noticed…. but she hasn’t hit an actual note all season
VPJG: Yes she has. You’re hearing what you want to hear because you hate black people.
Kaisen316: No, I actually picked LaToya London to win by the third week
Kaisen316: because she, you know, sings
Kaisen316: and actually carried a stage presence
VPJG: So does Fantasia. But Fantasia also brings her unique twist to the songs she sings while LaToya did a very good job of copying other singers.
VPJG: Fantasia’s stage presence is amazing! She captures the audience and puts them in the palm of her hand.
Kaisen316: fair point
Kaisen316: however, it doesn’t change the fact she doesn’t sing she rasps
Kaisen316: you don’t hear actual pitches or tones
Kaisen316: I can sound like fantasia if I gargled gravel before hitting the stage
VPJG: She has a raspy voice, but she can sing with that voice. Just because it sounds a little different than what you’re used to doesn’t mean it isn’t singing.
VPJG: And just because it isn’t your cup of tea doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Kaisen316: not one singer on this show is my cup of tea
VPJG: Really? What about the goofy marine? I liked him. He was having so much fun.
Kaisen316: keep in mind, this is the first season I watched
Kaisen316: we have a recapper now
VPJG: We have an American Idol recapper?
VPJG: Who, Morse?
Kaisen316: Jamie Geist: American Idol Recaps
VPJG: He should have been named Polter! HAHAHAHA!
VPJG: I can do a recap! Fantasia sung. It was good. Diana sung. It was a little worse. TA DAAAAA!
VPJG: By the way, Diana was a fatty. She should seriously consider liposuction if I’m going to jerk off to her.
Kaisen316: no worse than Kelly
Kaisen316: AND SHE’S SIXTEEN, YOU SHOULDN’T BE JERKING OFF TO HER YET!!!
VPJG: She’s 16? Shouldn’t she have been on that American Child Idol show they had?
VPJG: And what was with the red head who thought he was Frank Sinatra? Frankie would slap him once for ripping off his act and then slap him a second time for being Irish.
Kaisen316: I think the first slap would be for being Irish, and the second slap would be a pistol whip
Kaisen316: ok, let’s get down to the major question
VPJG: Well, the red head got the last laugh as Frank’s dead.
VPJG: Okay, Fantasia.
Kaisen316: do you think Fantasia is going to sell Clay/Ruben like numbers?
VPJG: I think she’s going to do better than Ruben, maybe not Clay. Am I wrong in thinking that Clay has been the break out star so far?
Kaisen316: No, I would agree with you
VPJG: I think she’s more talented than Clay. I think that a black woman with a unique voice singing power ballads is a proven winner.
Kaisen316: However, do you think the American Public is ready to buy a deep south gospel album and swallow it as pop?
Kaisen316: Because I think this is the lowest selling winning cd thus far
VPJG: Now that the singer has been promoted by American Idol? Yes I do.
VPJG: Every year, and I know this is the first time you’ve watched, but people have been split on the eventual winner.
VPJG: Ruben vs. Clay, Kelly vs. Tamyra (THERE WAS NO JUSTIN), everyone had a different opinion.
VPJG: This year, there was no question who in the final three was the best singer.
Kaisen316: You’re right
Kaisen316: Diana was
Kaisen316: no question
VPJG: No she wasn’t. The question was, “Is she actually singing?”
Kaisen316: ah come on
VPJG: Fantasia is the first Idol that you either LOVED or HATED.
VPJG: There was absolutely no middle ground.
Kaisen316: because SHE DOESN’T SING
VPJG: But she does. And this is the debate.
VPJG: YES SHE DOES! NO SHE DOESN’T! YES! NO!
Kaisen316: ok, rephrase
Kaisen316: does she sing “pop”
VPJG: She sings a different style of pop, but she sang Summer Time better than anything else. I’m not sure I see her writers crafting her another Summer Time.
Kaisen316: i agree with you that she is a very talented “gospel” singer
Kaisen316: but I don’t think a “gospel” market is what they’re going for
Kaisen316: Clay sings Broadway good….. but he can bring himself down to pop level
VPJG: First of all, you can’t critique the CD 3 months or longer before it comes out.
VPJG: You can’t predict what will be on the CD.
Kaisen316: No but we know what single people will be getting sick of for the next three months
VPJG: That was Tamyra, not Fantasia.
Kaisen316: well, Fantasia is the one who’s singing it
VPJG: Not her fault.
Kaisen316: at the end of the day, no fans are blaming her writers for sucking
VPJG: Okay. So do you think Tamyra, who is a solo artist herself, is going to write the entire album for Fantasia?
VPJG: No way!
Kaisen316: no no no, that’s not what i’m saying
Kaisen316: what i AM saying is: the single that’s supposed to get people to buy said album is not good… and she doesn’t sing it well
Kaisen316: A live release of Diana singing that song tonight sells 2 million copies
Kaisen316: fantasia’s doesn’t
VPJG: That’s not her fault and this won’t be the single that sells the album.
Kaisen316: no but it’s what people are going to remember her for
Kaisen316: the show is over now… she’s got the record deal
Kaisen316: next week, this show is out of people’s heads
Kaisen316: that single is all that’s left
Kaisen316: and it’s going to sound SO out of place on the Top 40 rotation it will be ridiculous
VPJG: Okay, but don’t we want something out of place in the top 40 rotation?
Kaisen316: maybe WE do
Kaisen316: but that doesn’t mean it’s going to sell albums
VPJG: But it will. Millions of people voted for her week after week. They want to hear her. They wanted her to win. They will buy her album, and I will download it.
Kaisen316: no one knows who voted for her
Kaisen316: God my girlfriend voted for Diana 50 times last night
Kaisen316: if that’s representative of 66 million votes, it’s just who was more motivated
VPJG: Your girlfriend voted 50 times?
VPJG: I’d be all like, “WHORE! STOP VOTING FOR THE FATTY AND SUCK MY FATTY BITCH!”
VPJG: Then I’d be all like, “Sorry honey. I don’t know why I said that.”
VPJG: Then I’d be all like, “Fine, go! But you’ll never meet another Jew with a 9 inch penis!”
Kaisen316: and she’d be all like “I’m still waiting for the first one”
VPJG: And I’d be all like, “Bitch! I have a big dick! You love it!”
VPJG: Anyway, we were talking about Frank kicking the crap out of the Irish kid.
Kaisen316: Frank wouldn’t dirty his hands on him
Kaisen316: it’d be some giant gorilla lookin Italian dude
VPJG: “Please die, POW you filthy Mick, POW, you make me spin, POW around in my grave.”
VPJG: That should be sung to My Way.
Kaisen316: while sipping martinis
VPJG: You know who was truly awful? John Peter Lewis.
Kaisen316: he was
Kaisen316: in fact, all the guys in this season sucked
VPJG: One of my favorite things from this season on any show was watching John Stevens sing Crocodile Rock.
VPJG: Oh, the Uncle Tom wasn’t awful.
VPJG: Man, I kept expecting George Huff to offer to shine Simon’s shoes.
Kaisen316: wait, which one of us hates black people?
VPJG: I don’t hate black people! I love black people. George Huff was a walking stereotype of a past era.
VPJG: With his giant smiles and clapping his hands, I expected him to drop to one knee and sing Mammy.
Kaisen316: that…. is awful
Kaisen316: ok final argument
Kaisen316: go
VPJG: Fine. Fantasia is a good singer. She’s going to sell more albums than any other Idol, humbling you. She’s also going to be the first idol to gain critical success, also humbling you. It’s impossible to explain why someone is a good singer, so it’s hard to debate this. What I can tell you is that this season was pretty boring and I’m sick of three talented black ladies having to split the vote between them because they’re black and ladies. America is racist and smells. Go!
VPJG: And yes, I know Fantasia won and Ruben won BUT AMERICA IS RACIST! Go.
VPJG: Also, I’m not back fully. I’ll keep popping up every now and then, like I told Widro.
VPJG: Go!
Kaisen316: OK, well…. first I’d like to say you’re a douchebag. Second, Fantasia is not a good POP singer, which is the market to which this album has to sell. There is a reason that Deep South Gospel is not a major market in the US, and that is because the kiddies aren’t ready to drop their money on. My prediction: Diana outsells Fantasia…. you heard it here first.
VPJG: Diana is this year’s Justin.
VPJG: She wasn’t the second best singer. She wasn’t the third.
Kaisen316: Diana is last year’s Clay
VPJG: No way. See, this is the more interesting debate!
VPJG: Jennifer or La Toya could have been a Clay.
Kaisen316: Jennifer getting bounced was a travesty
VPJG: Unfortunately, they were black women and the three of them split the vote.
Kaisen316: it should have been Fantasia that week
VPJG: Nope. You hated her. More people loved her.
Kaisen316: she was in the bottom two twice, chief
VPJG: Because she’s a black woman!
VPJG: And there were three amazing black women and because of racism the vote was split!
VPJG: How else can you explain La Toya and Jennifer getting voted off?
Kaisen316: oh you are not serious
VPJG: Explain it then.
Kaisen316: two seconds ago you said LaToya was terrible and imitated other singers
VPJG: I never said terrible. She sang the songs the way they should be sung.
VPJG: She wasn’t very original or unique, but she was good.
VPJG: But how can you explain it unless the three best singers split the vote because all three were black women?
Kaisen316: or maybe their voters didn’t call because they thought they’d be ok
Kaisen316: or maybe you buy into the “Jennifer lost that week because Chicago experienced a blackout”
Kaisen316: if there was no blackout, Fantasia is out that week
VPJG: Who were the bottom three that week? Who?
VPJG: I remember! You IMed me on my cell phone!
Kaisen316: yes I did
VPJG: Who were they?
Kaisen316: the three black women
Kaisen316: so voting for who you like makes you racist now?
VPJG: Was that because Chicago suffered a blackout? Or is it that America would love a GIANT black out.
VPJG: Not voting for someone because they’re black if they’re better than the other singers makes you a racist.
VPJG: Those three were better than everyone else.
Kaisen316: in your opinion
Kaisen316: but you just told me it’s hard to debate what makes a good singer, didn’t you?
VPJG: So the Johns were better than the three black singers?
Kaisen316: nope
Kaisen316: best singers this year: Diana, Jennifer, Latoya
VPJG: Diana has a case, I’ll give you that. I can even understand her making it to the top two.
VPJG: But for that Hawiian girl to beat Latoya… it had to be a split vote. 50% of America seemed to have it right, they just all liked a different black female singer.
Kaisen316: because Hawaii logged the third largest number of votes in the nation
VPJG: That makes sense. You can understand though how people can call racism?
VPJG: It makes a lot of sense.
Kaisen316: no, I can’t…. in fact, I wrote a column about it
Kaisen316: If you start calling racism when people vote for what they want, it’s pretty disgusting
VPJG: WHO COULD WANT JOHN STEVENS?
VPJG: Not even his mother wants him! I saw her and the ghost of Frank Sinatra kicking the crap out of him.
Kaisen316: 13-year-old girls who thought he was cute
VPJG: 13-year-old girls shouldn’t be allowed to vote on American Idol.
VPJG: Okay though!
VPJG: Fantasia won after being in the bottom two twice while La Toya and Jennifer were there.
VPJG: If there was no racism, why did Fantasia win after La Toya and Jennifer were eliminated?
VPJG: The vote was split amongst the three.
VPJG: The rest of America had their heads up their ass.
Kaisen316: if racism was affecting the vote, then Fantasia loses
Kaisen316: last time i checked, there were more white people in the US
VPJG: I’m not saying that white people didn’t vote for the three black women.
Kaisen316: and if racism affected the vote, Ruben sure the hell loses
VPJG: I bet a lot of white people composed the 51% or so of voters who voted for the talented black women.
VPJG: Or 40% until Hawaii switched over to Fantasia.
Kaisen316: so, in that vein, is every black person who voted for Ruben last season racist?
Kaisen316: since clay is the far superior singer?
VPJG: Funny story. You didn’t watch last season, right?
VPJG: Ruben was the better singer then. Every week was better than the last. He was just a machine, amazing.
VPJG: Then his album came out.
VPJG: Ugh.
VPJG: People who watched the show last season were shocked by the sheer crappiness.
Kaisen316: ha
Kaisen316: ok, I can’t argue that
Kaisen316: I only have the albums to compare
VPJG: I know. Believe me, if I hadn’t seen an episode or two I’d be agreeing with you.
Kaisen316: and with that thought, i think we have to call this a night
Kaisen316: and, as you see above, Grut agrees with me, as should you
VPJG: This is Grutman saying this is much easier than writing an article. Oh, and Daniels voted for Diana because he’s afraid Fantasia would steal his wallet.
Kaisen316: and this is Daniels saying that, Grutman voted for Fantasia because Diana looks like the Joker
VPJG: Fatty.
