Welcome back to The Bootleg. I hope everyone gets the chance to enjoy the unofficial start of summer this Memorial Day Weekend. That is, unless you live in or around New England. I caught a couple of Red Sox/A’s games on ESPN and between the chilling winds, long sleeves and visible breath, I half-expected Ted Williams’ head to roll into the booth complaining about how cold it was.
Don’t look at me that way”¦the moratorium on decapitation humor expired yesterday.
Here at Inside Pulse, we’ve come to learn that readership dips to Jason Jako levels during holiday weekends. So, instead of a no-show or, even worse, one of those mailed-in efforts that we’re no longer allowed to mention in the italicized teasers that appear above our work, I came up with the next best thing.
At the weekly Bootleg staff meeting (i.e. me and Nick on Yahoo! IM), we were kicking around ideas for future columns, when it was decided that we tackle a pressing matter that was sorely lacking in mainstream media coverage. Combine that with the public’s love of lists, and we came up with:
25 Muthaf*ckas Who Need They Ass Kicked (Inaugural Edition)
As selected by Nick Salemi & Aaron Cameron
A few weeks back, an offhand comment regarding some gratuitously acceptable celebrity violence spawned a slew of emails like this:
You guys MUST do this list. The possibility of a one-stop reference guide of muthaf*ckers who need their asses kicked is the type of public service that we all can benefit from and society is better for. – Slaussen
Never let it be said that we don’t listen to our readers here at The Bootleg. Over the course of several nights on IM, Nick and I cobbled together “The First 25”. These are the celebrities who”¦well, who “need they asses kicked”. Yes, the syntax is intentional.
I think you’ll find it speaks for itself:
25.) Jason Biggs, Actor
Nick’a: Was there any need for three American Pie Movies? He does have the “whiny little bitch” act down though, doesn’t he? Those method-acting classes are finally paying off!
Aaron: Only in Hollywood could Shannon Elizabeth not only chase, but also be turned down by this C.H.U.D. Say ‘hi’ to that not-Keanu guy from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure for me in a few months.
24.) Charlie’s Angels (Drew, Cameron and Lucy 3 for 1 deal)
Nick’a: I think I’ve had enough with movies where girls “kick butt”. The only ass that’s getting kicked is the moron who’s stupid enough to pay $9 to watch Drew Barrymore fight crane-style.
Aaron: I’m torn on this one”¦Lucy Liu gets a pass, but for Drew’s treatment of Tom Green and Ms. Diaz’s turn in Any Given Sunday, I deem the beatdown justified.
23.) Mo’Nique, Actress/Comedian
Nick’a: I have no idea who this is, but Aaron assured me she has a show on UPN.
Aaron: She’s the reason we were blessed with 20 seasons of The Parkers. Remember the mom from What’s Happening? Now, imagine her showing more leg and sans panties.
22.) Danny Boy, Death Row Records R&B Crooner
Nick’a: Guess what bitch? I’m Mad at Ya! I assume he answers phones at Death Row Records now.
Aaron: In his spare time, he downloads old Tupac tracks and begs Suge to let him sing the hook. The only man alive who’s still biting from Lenny Williams.
21.) Roy Firestone, ESPN Sports Personality
Nick’a: Undoubtedly smug and annoying, but what’s the deal with his hairline? His hair is actually is growing into his forehead!
Aaron: Is he white or just really light-skinned like Rock Newman? And can someone get him some longer slacks or higher socks? I have nightmares of his pasty shins poking out when he sat down.
20.) Axl Rose, Former Rock Star
Nick’a: If only to prevent Chinese Democracy from ever coming out.
Aaron: Jim Rome uses his song as the theme to his sh*tty radio show. ‘Nuff said.
19.) The Men From Friends
Nick’a: The good news? Mercifully it’s over. The bad news? These milquetoast pansies live on in syndication. Could they BEEE bigger wusses?
Aaron: I figure drugs will take Perry”¦steroids will take LeBlanc”¦and that leaves Schwimmer. I’ll just make him sit through Breast Men. That oughta do it.
18.) William Hung, American Idol Cast-off
Nick’a: This is what America rewards? This is what we’re willing to settle for in terms of entertainment? Biggie and 2Pac are dead and this douche bag is on TV every night?
Aaron: Sure, he’s embodies all that’s wrong with pop culture”¦but, he still has better teeth than Fantasia.
17.) Chris Berman, ESPN Announcer
Nick’a: He appears to use blue dye in his hair for MNF halftime but it’s normal for ESPN. What gives?
Aaron: From his insufferable nicknames to his perpetual John Madden imitation to his horrific comb-over, “Boomer” is to black viewers what Stuart Scott is to white viewers.
16.) John Henson, former host of Talk Soup, current host of some show on Spike TV
Nick’a: Who did the “only network for men” consult when hiring this ass clown?
Aaron: Left Talk Soup in the hopes of following the Greg Kinnear path to success. There’s still hope, but taking a Sharpie to that patch of white hair would be a good start.
15.) DJ Clue, Mixtape DJ and Producer
Nick’a: Ruins more songs than anyone ever, simply by sending shout outs to his daughter. Oh yeah, and he’s responsible for F-a-b-o-l-o-u-s.
Aaron: Automatic inclusion on this list for that Reebok commercial where he spills a drop of donut jelly on his new shoes and just has to go to Foot Locker to get them replaced. They don’t have tap water and napkins in the hood?
14.) Mike Lupica, Sports Journalist
Nick’a: I love being told what I, as a fan of sports, ought to be doing. Thanks Mike. Let’s hear some more about how great Steffi Graf is. I can’t get enough.
Aaron: We can only hope that Bill Conlin has eaten him by the time you read this.
13.) Ashton Kutcher, Bruce Willis’ Ex-Wife’s Boyfriend
Nick’a: C’mon do I have to even get into it? “You’re going to have a long career. Just kidding, you’ve been Punk’d.”
Aaron: Are white people as ashamed of him as black people are of Martin Lawrence?
12.) Freddie Prinze, Jr. & Sarah Michele Gellar, “actors”
Nick’a: Wow, they’re a happy young Hollywood couple who got to work together on TWO live action Scooby-Doo movies. What’s not to like?
Aaron: Think of them as the real-life Stan Gable and Betty Childs. And I can’t wait for Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards to stick it to them.
11.) Robin Williams, Comedian
Nick’a: The guy’s a comic genius! Really? Then why couldn’t he figure out that Flubber and Bicentennial Man were going to suck?
Aaron: Sweats more than Ruben Studdard and hairier than A-Train. Combined, he probably smells worse than a 4th Quarter Patrick Ewing. Also brought us Jumanji and Jack back-to-back.
10.) Oscar De La Hoya, Boxer
Nick’a: OK, so technically he has gotten his ass kicked, but let’s not forget his singing career and how he has repeatedly referred to himself as a gladiator.
Aaron: He’s the most successful women’s boxer ever, but I still can’t stand her. Riddick Bowe fights for four years and now looks like KRS-One. Oscar’s been fighting three times as long and is still cute enough to turn tricks down on the docks.
9.) Sway, MTV Hip-Hop VJ
Nick’a: Simply”¦”In other news Ludacris was seen leaving the club really late last night, no word on how much he had to drink or what time he got home, stay tuned as this important hip-hop story develops”.
Aaron: Who still wears dreadlocks and camouflage in 2004? Here’s a newsflash for you, Sway. Your act was still played out 10 years ago.
8.) Lil’ Jon, Rapper
Nick’a: Still don’t know any of his songs because every time something comes on the radio that sounds like it might be him, I change it immediately. (I fear Chappelle mocking him may be helping his career)
Aaron: I still believe Lil’ Jon is a creation by “the man” to systematically infiltrate and destroy rap music. Do any of you know one person with his album? Yet, he’s gone 2X platinum?
7.) Lil’ Kim, Rapper
Nick’a: Still living off the Junior Mafia album and ONE verse from a Mobb Deep track released in 1999. It’s over Kim. Seriously, you have to give all the clothes and jewelry back now. You only leased them.
Aaron: I sincerely hope the federal pound-her-in-the-ass prison that she’s eventually sent to has a respectable rhinoplasty clinic. Hey, Kim”¦that’s the guard’s Magic Stick that’s beating you upside the head after you cut in line at the prison cafeteria.
6.) Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox Pitcher
Nick’a: Although we haven’t had any “open letters to the fans” lately, during his negotiations with Boston we did have to listen to that bullsh*t about how he has to do the best for his family. Just throw the ball and shut your f*cking mouth Curt.
Aaron: An insufferable, self-serving lout who agonized over playing in Boston, until the Red Sox threw more money and a fat contract extension at him. And his Dunkin’ Donuts commercials suck.
5.) Stephen A. Smith, Disgruntled ESPN Analyst/Sports Journalist
Nick’a: Well, he got the attitude in Philly, no doubt about that. Why is he so upset? It always sounds like he’s scolding whoever he’s talking to. He’s probably just upset about his 1970s ABA haircut.
Aaron: We added Smith at the last second over Ben Affleck. 411’s own Joe Reid offers up this response, “Good”¦ Affleck needs a break and Smith needs a broken bone.”
4.) Larry Merchant, HBO Boxing Analyst
Nick’a: Hey Larry, just spit out your f*cking stupid question! “Lennox”¦do you”¦feel“¦you are now…a good “¦.boxer?”
Aaron: Talks like he had a stroke”¦if there’s any justice, Bernard Hopkins will flashback to prison the next time Larry sticks a mic in his face and shank him.
3.) Jason Kidd’s Kid
Nick’a: Remember when that little Martian-head was a controversy in the NBA playoffs? Now he sits and mumbles at the post-game press conference while dad makes excuses for losing. We have a heart here, we’ll wait till he’s 18.
Aaron: Nick has a heart, not me. Kidd’s seed looks like the offspring from Easter Island and needs a whuppin’. Plus, he needs to be taught that men beat men”¦not women.
2.) Nicole Richie, Lionel Richie’s daughter
Nick’a: No talent piece of crap hogging valuable screen time”¦and oxygen. Count the days to rehab.
Aaron: Looking for a sleeper in your dead pools? Always bet on the celebrity smack-addict who publicly pronounces their recovery.
1.) Farnsworth Bentley, P Diddy’s assistant and Umbrella holder
Nick’a: Another guy who no one seems to know WHY exactly he’s famous. Bowties and umbrellas? Nick’a Please!
Aaron: A modern-day Mr. Bojangles who crafted a step’n fetch’it image to get paid. Ever wonder why they don’t show those Bugs Bunny in blackface cartoons anymore?
You read our list, now we want to read yours. We don’t care if it’s one name or one hundred. Get us your own M.F.W.N.T.A.K nominees and the best of the best will be inducted in future Bootlegs.
Send your selections either here or here.
General Haberdashery
The Mexican Messiah details his evening as an extra in the summer blockbuster The Day After Tomorrow“¦except this wasn’t no movie.
Canadian T. has been named the lead driver of the Calgary Flames bandwagon. Pedestrians beware.
Cocozza make up for my lack of Nate Dogg references with”¦nah, that would be telling.
Melchor returns and ties up all those loose ends.
Joe Movie Guy should be your on-line movie phone guy before you shell out $20 for popcorn and a matinee. Despite his obvious Autobot envy.
Junk Mail
Last week’s extended look at the rap stylings of J.R. Rider, Dana Barros and Gary Payton was a huge hit with our readers:
Much love to you and Nick for the walk down memory lane. The B’Ball Best Kept Secret album was one of those guilty pleasures that I never got tired of. Looking forward to more retro-sh#t from y’all. – Cade20
Now, that’s why I love The Bootleg! I’m 25-years-old but 10 years ago, I had Cedric Ceballos on ‘repeat’ in my CD player. I’m glad to see there’s finally a website where I can admit that publicly. – James B.
Please keep posting the reviews of old, comically bad rap albums. Y’all have got a ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ thing going on and it makes what’s already the best read on Inside Pulse even better. – K.C.
And look who’s here to answer his fans”¦my Nick’a, Nick Salemi:
First off, much love to those who liked last week’s B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret review. I never knew so many other people other than Aaron and myself found the CD so damn funny. Speaking of which, stay tuned because I’ve recently acquired NFL Jams, which follows a similar formula and I’m dying to give it the treatment it deserves.
Y’all have been warned. Hey, did you read my review of the latest from Method Man?
Nice work on that Meth review, Aaron. I can’t believe I waited five years for this coaster. Seriously, has there ever been an album this disappointing? – Cooper
Sure”¦November 12, 1996″¦Snoop Dogg’s Doggfather album was released with all the post-Tupac hopes of Death Row and the expectations following his 1993 classic debut, Doggystyle. When double-platinum is considered a failure, you know the bar was raised high.
Congrats on the final part of your Tupac series finally seeing the light of day. I had a chance to re-read every part at work today and I’m still stunned with the amount of insight and research you put into it. So, who’s next on your multi-part series radar?
Thanks, brutha”¦the damn thing nearly killed me, but I’m glad you dug it. As for who might be next, as soon as I know, I’ll let you know. Of course, I’m open to suggestions“¦readers?
This joke is deader than Barbara Gordon’s legs. Just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13