Reviewer: Jesse Baker
Story Title: Day of the Atom – Part 1: Black Holes
Written by: Chuck Austen
Penciled by: Salvador Larroca
Inked by: Danny Miki
Colored by: UDON
Lettered by: Rus Wooton
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
“…should be interesting, if only to see how long it takes him (Joss Whedon) to completely gut out Grant Morrison’s 43 issue mega-novel.” Chris Hyatte; The Midnight News 05.24.04
I don’t think we have to worry about Joss gutting out everything Grant Morrison has done to the X-Men, what with Chris Claremont and Chuck Austen around to do the actual dirty work for Marvel. Then again, I fully expect an all-out brawl to erupt between Joss and Claremont when X-Men III hits theaters and it comes time for Marvel to resurrect Jean Grey as a promotional tie-in. Given how Chris Claremont has been pushing to be allowed to purge the Phoenix Force retcon from the books and reinstate his original notion of Phoenix/Dark Phoenix being the equivalent of Jean Grey going Super-Sayian, I’m quite sure he’s chomping at the bit to undo all of the work Morrison did to expand upon what the Phoenix Force is and how it ties into Jean Grey and her powers.
That being said, let’s get started with the review for the now once again Adjectiveless X-Men #157. As part of Marvel’s “X-Men Reloaded” marketing blitz, Chuck Austen has abdicated Uncanny X-Men to Chris Claremont and taken over the book formerly known as “The New X-Men” while Joss Whedon and John Cassaday are given a new brand new X-Men book to write. With the reshuffling, Chuck Austen loses several members of his cast (Angel is off to the new Excalibur series and Nightcrawler to Uncanny X-Men) while gaining Rogue and Gambit as new cast members for his book. Of course this has created even more doom and gloom (or joy, if you are one of the many X-Men fans who hate Gambit) as rumors are currently floating around that Marvel editorial specifically put Gambit on Austen’s book so that Austen can carry out some mysterious editorially-ordered changes to the characters that apparently will piss fans of the character off.
The Skinny
The issue begins in China, as several soldiers are talking to the monks at a Buddhist temple about superstition and the temple and how it ties into the apocalypse. As they tell the troops this, the entire temple and everyone around it are sucked into a black hole.
We immediately cut back to the mansion as we see Havok and his evil girlfriend/stalker Annie talking over a cup of coffee. Havok tells Annie that thanks to Angel and Nightcrawler being reassigned to new books, he’s now in charge of his X-Men team. But Havok isn’t his usual “telepathically brainwashed into loving an evil bitch” self as he cuts through the chase and demands to know if Annie has boinked Iceman on the eve of Havok and Polaris’s wedding, which as you know ended with Annie having her equally evil son finish brainwashing Havok into dumping Polaris at the alter. Annie denies doing anything with Iceman while Havok, in a surprising move of showing Annie contempt, explains that he knew Polaris would never cheat on him and then orders her to drop the subject as he leaves the room to go do X-Men business.
At this point I would like to point out that:
- Annie didn’t boink Iceman but she did deep-throat kiss him
- Polaris had sex with the male stripper Jean Grey hired to dress up like Gambit and dance for Lorna’s sexual arousal.
Still, it’s nice to see Havok wising up towards what a complete and utter bitch Annie is and how her and her bastard son have been manipulating and violating Alex’s mind nonstop since he woke up from his coma. And it’s nice to see Annie attempt to be civil and not bring up Lorna’s infidelity into the equation, given how Annie and her evil son have collectively ruined Lorna’s life and caused her to have a mental breakdown as a result.
We next get several filler scenes as Joshua Guthrie (last seen in the “She Lies With Angels” arc) whines about being shipped off to the X-Mansion by his mom. Ma Guthrie argues that being an X-Man will make him a better person like his siblings Cannonball and Husk. Of course no one seems to clue Ma Guthrie in on the fact that her son Sam became an incompetent f*ck-up the moment he joined the X-Men while Paige became a whore who went around telling people that she wasn’t worried about getting AIDS because AIDS was a disease only “those kind of people” get.
Havok and Sammy the Squidboy show up and give Joshua a tour of the campus. Sammy now has a full head of hair and is going to be Joshua’s roommate. Havok exposits the fact that he’s the brother of new headmaster Cyclops and that Sammy wants the “Sub-Mariner” codename for himself. Joshua, who says that he wants nothing to do with having a super hero code-name, comments that Sub-Mariner has been taken, even though Namor hasn’t used that name the “Sub-Mariner” name in ages.
The three go into the Danger room, which has Juggernaut in it working out against several robots. Havok and company are above Juggernaut on a holographic glass ceiling that lets them watch Juggernaut work out. Havok mocks Juggernaut by telling him that he’s struggling with a program that is below the level of difficulty used by dead X-Man Colossus. We get more exposition from Joshua and Sammy about how Juggernaut used to be a villain but is now a hero. Now we get to even more padding as Iceman shows up and yells at Havok for letting Juggernaut have free reign over using the Danger Room. Havok reveals that Iceman has been turned permanently into an ice being since the Draco arc as the two continue to argue about the real reason why Iceman is being a bitch. Havok defends Juggernaut being on his team as Joshua gives running commentary by talking about how his siblings never told him that the X-Men fight (which means someone never told Joshua about Onslaught) and ponders what “permanently turned into ice” means.
Iceman, yielding to Havok’s surprisingly diplomatic approach to his rantings, decides that maybe he should change teams. We get a comment about the X-Men having a bulletin board as the X-Men pass Bishop and an unnamed red-headed chick in the weight-room and head to the greenhouse as they head to the main part of the mansion. We learn that there are two bulletin boards (one on the internet and a physical bulletin board) as Havok tells Iceman that he needs to register all of his complaints on the bulletin board rather than yell them at him. As they go through the greenhouse, Storm appears out of nowhere and bitches the gang out about using the place as a shortcut. Alex brings up the bulletin board which Storm states has had message explicitly stating that the greenhouse is off-limits as a shortcut. As Iceman gloats to Havok about being a hypocrite in regards to the bulletin board, Joshua gushes about Storm being the hottest chick he’s ever seen, which causes Sammy to bring up the fact that Joshua hasn’t met Emma Frost yet.
As everyone heads toward Cyclops’ office, Gambit and Rogue see them and decide to join them in visiting Scott. Apparently Rogue and Gambit both got assigned to Alex’s team by Scott despite the fact that both want to just work as teachers instead of running missions for Scott. This leads to the best part of this entire issue as we see just about all of the active X-Men in Scott’s office complaining about their team assignments. Top three lines of dialogue in this scene include:
3. Sage- Why am I even here?
2. Shadowcat- Wait, I thought you didn’t need me anymore?
1. Wolverine- Listen, bub, I appreciate the faith in me but I can’t possibly be on ALL the teams.
Scott, in a total a–hole move, tells everyone to get out of his office since he is refusing to change the rosters and sends Alex’s team to see Emma Frost about their first assignment. They go to the new Cerebra room, which is back to the same design of the Cerebro room in the X-Men movies. Iceman, Havok, Rogue, Gambit, Sammy the Squidboy, and Juggernaut are in Cerebra’s room with Emma as they get their assignments. Before she gives it to the team, the exposition fairy returns as we learn that Emma has decided to fast-track Sammy into active X-Men duty do to the fact that Aquaman-esque powers are extremely rare in mutants. Emma announces that the team is going to China as Polaris (the last member of Alex’s team) stumbles in and collapses onto the ground. She mutters that the magnetic lines are tearing as the X-Men grab her and head out to the X-Jet to investigate the problem. We cut to five hours later, as the X-Men (who now have Wolverine instead of Sammy with them) investigate the hole in the ground. Havok and Iceman continue to fight as Rogue steps in and shushes Iceman by telling him that the reason he’s alone is because of the fact that he is a whiner. Polaris clears away some debris and finds to the horror of everyone, Xorn buried in the rubble.
Yes Xorn.
Combined with the ending to Chris Claremont’s first issue of the new Excalibur series (which features Magneto alive and well) and you have these two writers undermining the bulk of the Morrison New X-Men run in one week’s time. Not good omens especially when you count this week’s Astonishing X-Men, which features Cyclops announcing that the X-Men are all returning to their spandex costumes because the turtleneck sweaters, leather pants, and trench coats were scaring people.
