If you’ve had the chance to tune into this year’s installment of the NBA playoffs, you must have noticed by now that it’s been a volatile and oft-wild ride for all teams and players who remain standing.
In this column, I will load up clips and drop grenades to drop the bombshell comparison between professional basketball and professional wrestling.
Before I proceed, I would like to issue the following statement of apology in regards to the preceding sentence:
On behalf of the ownership, myself, and the rest of my teammates here at 411mania, I want to say that I am truly and utterly sorry if I offended anyone with the metaphorical wartime language that I mistakenly used. I know that my words may have hurt as if there were remnants of World War II shrapnel in Jason Kidd’s knee, and that words can be just as venomous as weapons of mass destruction. From now on, I will refrain from using any type, form, or method of soldier’s jargon, because after all, in this topsy-turvy battlefield of Internet journalism, any such discourse can spawn a war of attrition between myself – the tactical writer – and you – the frontline reader.
Coming down the aisle
From Sacramento, California,
Brad “Slap-Happy” Miller
His opponent,
From Minnesota
Darrick “113th in the Rotation” Martin
During the Western Conference Semi-Finals, Sacramento’s Brad Miller was going for his main event push, but Minnesota’s Darrick Martin got the moral victory in the double count-out. Of course, I am talking about the incident where Miller decided it was in his best interest to give Martin a knee to the sternum during the middle of an intense showdown, a move that led to Miller’s ejection and a one-game suspension. Until then, I had no idea archetypal wrestling maneuvers had such an impact on mid-carders outside of a WWE ring.
In the Western Conference Finals, Minnesota was at it again, this time with Laker veteran like Karl Malone, the dirtiest player in the NBA. Was Ric Flair his Mr. Miagi? I guess I just didn’t realize that the T-Wolves had that many disciples of Sensay that the Mailman had to confront after moving from Raceda – err, Utah.
Meanwhile in the long lost Eastern Conference, Detroit Pistons guard Richard “Rip” Hamilton already wears a mask to protect a broken nose, and the Indiana Pacers have done their share of gratuitous bumping and bruising in the paint to make sure that Rip’s mask becomes as much of a fixture as Cowboy Bob Orton’s phony cast.
My point is this: the NBA and the WWE seem to have a lot in common. And as the NBA playoffs heat up, how apropos would it be for me to serve up some of the more savory similarities between the two factions:
Three Key Similarities Pro Wrestling & Pro Basketball
01. Manipulative Men in Charge
Vince McMahon and David Stern are two men who definitely possess egos as oversized as BB the EMT’s breast implants. Not only do McMahon and Stern have their employees by the proverbial balls, they both do as much as they can to try and manipulate the media into believing that their brands are undeniably and ubiquitously marketable. The ironic part of all this is that both the NBA and WWE have brands that have made so many poor decisions as of late that arena football just might start to rack up higher ratings.
On the pro wrestling front, Smackdown has become such a joke of a brand that I actually believe the supposed Internet insiders when they say that Vince McMahon has made Smackdown his own personal mad scientist’s playground for gimmicks that turn off viewers more than fat chicks in low rise jeans and thongs.
Meanwhile, David Stern has taken the formula that was a ratings juggernaut for the NBA on NBC – which was showing playoff games at FUCING REASONABLE TIMES – and turned a sports brand that was recently on par with the NFL in terms of viewership into a regionalized East vs. West coast mess that hasn’t been seen since Tupac vs. Biggie and we all know how that turned out. Did we really need the Lakers-T-Wolves at 9:15 pm Eastern on Memorial Day Monday, when there was NOTHING on TV at, say, around 5:30 Eastern Time? You just can’t make this stuff up.
If McMahon and Stern don’t wake up soon, both WWE and the NBA will have many more problems than one little Internet wrestling columnist. Where is the Sports Guy when you need him, anyway?
02. Opening Cans of Whoop-ass, even During Legal Troubles
From Stone Cold Steve Austin’s alleged penchant for mistaking the women he loves for sparring partners to Kobe Bryant’s extracurricular activities gone awry in Colorado, both WWE and the NBA have been faced with the moral dilemma of what to do when two of the most popular figures in their respective industries do f*cking stupid shit.
Did any wrestling fan really think that Stone Cold would be gone forever when his problems with domestic abuse caught up with him? Did any basketball fan actually foresee Kobe Bryant sidelined for an NBA season due to the filing of sexual harassment and abuse charges for which he was indicted?
Perhaps part of the problem here is that we, the fans, are way too accepting of our favorite athletes’ serious character flaws. As long as Stone Cold makes us chuckle, drinks beer, whoops ass, and gives us Stunners inside a ring, we will cheer him and egg him on, no matter what happens off-camera. I remember the ovation Austin received when he made his first WWE appearance following his walkout and legal troubles, and I remember thinking to myself, “Austin f*cking rules!” Yup, I was guilty of the same crime that many of us were, because deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, I knew that Stone Cold’s glorious return came with guilt that I desperately tried to keep buried.
Impressive as Kobe Bryant is on the court, his decision to cheat on his wife in Colorado while he had the world in the palm of his hand reveals the kind of character he is when Nike or McDonalds isn’t calling. I am not saying that Kobe raped this unnamed accuser, but I am not quick to say he didn’t do it, either. So many people have already claimed that Kobe Bryant is innocent of any wrongdoing, and Kobe has done a brilliant job with burying his courtroom sessions to the back of his fans’ minds by going out and scoring 100 million points every time he plays on the same day of a preliminary hearing.
But no matter how many baskets he makes during these NBA Playoffs, the truth of the matter is that while he is innocent until proven guilty, and despite the fact that millions of people think Kobe Bryant is innocent anyway, there will be a trial that Kobe Bryant will have to face, with a woman that he at least slept with while he was married on the other side of the room.
And there aren’t many more elite performances to hide behind, either.
03. Controversial IF NOT SCRIPTED outcomes
As a huge New York Knicks fan, I came to the revelation during the Michael Jordan era that the NBA was as scripted as could be for a professional sport this side of Don King’s Afro. If Michael Jordan was such an amazing player, then why did he ALWAYS have to get the ref calls in his favor???
Even as recently as this week’s Western Conference Finals, there was a referee’s controversy surrounding Shaquille O’Neal that ESPN’s Dan Patrick deemed as “Shaq-Gate.”
Apparently, one of the NBA referees actually asked the officials at the scorer’s table how many fouls Shaq had on him following the fifth foul that was called on the big man. This led many witnesses to believe that the refs were well-aware that the next foul call against Shaq would force him off the court due to the longstanding league rule that six fouls warrants automatic ejection. The ongoing speculation, therefore, is that the refs were being purposefully lenient on Shaq for the rest of the game, in order to ensure a Lakers victory.
And, being as manipulative as he is, I wouldn’t put it past David Stern to use any kind of leverage to propel the league’s most marketable franchise into the NBA Finals.
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Do you have your own WWE-NBA comparisons? If you do, I’d love to hear them. You can send me your unbridled thoughts to chris411wrestling@yahoo.com by clicking on the email link at the bottom of the page.
Thanks to everyone who sent me their own ideas as to how to fix Smackdown. I really enjoyed reading all of the interesting ideas that were sent my way, and in all honesty, your opinions and continued support are what keep me going.
Well, here’s another one for the books.
That’s all for now Peace.
Chris Biscuiti’s current favorite old school Nintendo game is Super Dodge Ball Helgi from Iceland is his favorite player.
