It’s a beautiful June morning, isn’t it? al-Qaeda bombs Saudi Arabia and oil prices skyrocket. A bomb launched ten years ago is giving WWE a plan for an A-level feud between Flair and Foley. Jen-Jen bombs Serena and Anastasia Myskina bombs Venus so far out of Paris that they came down around Lyon. Ditto Hewitt, by Bob Gaudio; who’d thought that a member of the Four Seasons…sorry, that’s Gaston Gaudio. Kurt Warner got bombed right over the Gateway Arch. Kareem Rush bombed all night and drove KG into a summer of contemplating what might have been (and, to be fair, dwelling over the team’s unprecedented success). The Pistons played like they were bombed, but the Pacers received all the damage. Fahrenheit 911 will bomb theaters on the 25th of this month here in the States thanks to a weird distribution setup. Miss Australia, now Miss Universe, has a great pair of missiles. But the biggest bombshell of all came from a little media company that begins with “V For Victory”.
More on that later. First, the pimps.
THE PIMP SECTION
I’m the Special Guest in CKOne‘s column this week, so, naturally, he gets the Pimp God Slot.
Urciuolo discusses sports in general in the current vein.
Omega should have called his column “The Omega Directive”, but he’s probably not a Voyager fan.
Ah, here’s Campbell, David Variant with his Experience report. Life is back to normal.
Brown reviews the DVD of the WWE HoF induction ceremony, which has a lot of match extras. I’ll download it first, then if it like it, I’ll pick it up.
Conley preps us for the premiere of that company’s other B show on Friday.
Melchor has Ryan Boman guest-columning. But Ryan missed out on one thing: if we paid twenty bucks for rodeo on PPV, we’d still have the possibility of having to suffer appearances by Billy Gunn.
Misha and I do disagree on one point: I loved the first Tomb Raider because it, along with Quake, really showed off the power of the then-new 3D cards. Tomb Raider on a Voodoo 1 was a work of visual magnificence for the time, as was Lara’s ass.
Yeager is absolutely right about story being a suitable reward in a game. That’s why Half-Life is the Greatest Fucking Game Of All Time, Period. And, Matt, I was legitimately confused about whether or not it was Jordan Mechner speaking.
Platt uses his thumb on Pucelle. No word on when he’s progressing to the middle and index fingers.
It’s Michael Hutchence, Rutherford, but that doesn’t matter, because he’s dead and I’ll be guesting in the column soon, just like Burnside’s doing this week. Same questions, BTW. And hopefully the “disappearance” will only be for a week or so. I’ll brief all of you in Black next week on that.
Gustafson previews summer at the multiplex.
Piers defends Superman. The best defense for Superman is to go back and look at any issue illustrated by the late, great Curt Swan. Fuck you, John Byrne.
Stevens has an exclusive announcement. Bet it has to do with Green Lantern.
TODAY’S REASON TO BE PISSED ABOUT SPYWARE
I saved this one up. Thankfully, this one dropped into my Spam folder in Thunderbird, and it’s an absolutely beautiful illustration of the retarded ways that supposed anti-spyware programs (which drop spyware on your system) are advertised:
Your computer is being tracekd right now! DOn’t just rvmeoe spyware, get the pgroram which BLCKOS it!!
With oevr one in three cmoputres inefcted, idnetity thfet and credit card fraud is at an all time high.
NOSPY stofware will csole all the hloes and your privacy! Dlwnooad and install now!
(Link eliminated because I’m not giving them any opportunity to sucker more people into shit like this.)
Yes, folks, this is how some anti-spyware programs are advertised. Not only through spam, but through misspelled spam that attempts to get past filters. That’s why I recommend these programs:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke twelve hundred different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” (definitely run that one, since they just put in another database update in the last couple days) and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status on Monday and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for this symbol:
and you can be sure you’re getting the help you need. BAXLEY!’s brother did, and if it’s good enough for him, it’s definitely good enough for you.
BOMBSHELLS AND COLLATERAL DAMAGE
Ironically, this has nothing to do with Iraq.
Yesterday, Mel Karmazin sort of unexpectedly resigned as president of Viacom. I say “sort of” because he and Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone never really got along, and most media analysts felt it was a matter of time that one of them would go. Everyone thought it’d be the octogenerian Redstone stepping aside to enjoy what’s left of his life. But it was Karmazin who took the plunge instead. Redstone said that he’d be resigning his position within the next three years, and Karmazin was heir apparent to the top job. This leaves the succession open. For now, the president’s job will be split between Les Moonves and Tom Freston, the heads of CBS and MTV Networks, respectively.
And this is important how? Well, other than the fact that one of the biggest media companies in the world has just had a shift at the top, which we should all be concerned about, this directly affects two people whom the readership of this site consider important figures: Vince McMahon and Howard Stern. It could also directly affect three of the biggest gadflies of this column: Rick Berman, Brannon Braga, and Michael Eisner.
Vince first. Rumors have been floating around recently that WWE wants off of Viacom when their contract expires next year. I discounted those rumors over at the Wrestling zone a couple weeks ago, mainly for one reason: I didn’t see a Viacom with Mel Karmazin as president letting go of Vince. I do, however, see a Viacom with Les Moonves in the prexy’s chair as a sticking point. Moonves is always concerned about underperforming shows, and Smackdown certainly is an underperforming show. Also, Vince is in an uncomfortable position with co-presidents, each of whom have a hand in the WWE pie. Moonves is upset about Smackdown’s ratings (it’s one of UPN’s highest-rated shows, but it’s not performing as well in its key demographics as it should). Freston is happy with Raw’s ratings (great performance for a cable show). If there’s one co-prexy championing renewal of WWE’s broadcast contract and another that wants them out, that means it goes to Redstone, and he’s lucky if he can find his dick in the morning. Also, within the next year, Redstone may be picking his heir apparent. Somehow, I see Moonves in that position moreso than Freston. If that’s the case, Vince will want out. So who does he cut a deal with? All depends on who’s where. I’ll bring that up later.
Everyone who knows anything about Stern knows about his connection with Karmazin. Karmazin was the one who brought him into K-Rock after he was fired at WNBC, back when Karmazin was VP of K-Rock and a minor cog in the wheels at Infinity Broadcasting. It was Stern’s success at K-Rock that started Karmazin up the ladder, putting Mel into a position to take advantages of the mergers and acquisitions that took place. From head of Infinity to head of CBS to head of Viacom, all courtesy of Howard and his potty mouth. And the relationship, which became a friendship quickly, was reciprocated by Karmazin. He always supported Stern, even when the FCC went on jihad against Infinity in the mid-90s in an effort to get Stern off the air. Karmazin happily paid the million-dollar-plus fines because he knew Stern was a winner. Stern’s loss of the half-dozen Clear Channel stations earlier this year upset him, but he could blow it off. Why? Because the president of one of the largest and most powerful media companies in the world was his personal friend for two decades. Now Karmazin’s gone, so where does that leave Stern? Stern’s been talking retirement (although he’s been doing that for years now), but he might now be taking that option seriously. Of course, there may be other options for him if he can get beyond a no-compete (including the distinct possibility that Viacom might just sell off Infinity Broadcasting). Again, we’ll discuss those later.
Now, the Beebs. Braga has already said that he’ll be “stepping back” from Enterprise* (translation: “I got fired, so I’ll just sit here with my money, develop a new project or two, and drive Eric crazy by doing a little Six of Nine with Jeri Ryan.”), so he’s a non-factor. However, the real cancer in Trek is still there with Berman. We have to try to trace the chain of influence (something I noted on TrekBBS yesterday when people were blowing this story off). Who’s Berman’s sugar daddy? Is it Gary Hart, the head of Paramount Television? Is it Jonathan Dolgen, the head of Paramount? Who’s supporting him? And who’s supporting that person? Hart reports to Dolgen, Dolgen reported to Karmazin. I am absolutely certain that Les Moonves wanted Enterprise cancelled. It was pulling in shit for ratings (slightly higher than Smackdown, with worse demographics), getting zero promotion, and cost two and a half million per episode. Moonves was ready to cut losses and free up an hour on UPN for cheaper reality programming. But someone overruled him, and there were only two people in the Viacom food chain who could: Karmazin and Redstone. It’s already been implied that this is Enterprise‘s final season, and it will be if Moonves has his say. Will Berman jump ship? Please, please, do, Rick.
Now comes the final piece of the puzzle. Karmazin’s contract ran through 2006. There’s supposedly a no-compete clause in it (but Fleabag informs me that it’s actually a 60-day consult-and-out). There’s an opportunity out there for him. I speak, of course, of the Mouse. Mel Karmazin is one of the few people in entertainment who the Disney board would have no problem bringing in while dumping Andre the Giant. The bare majority of the stockholders who supported Eisner at the annual meeting would be mollified by having someone like Mel come in. He’s one of the few people who’d be able to right the sinking ship known as ABC (he did a great job when he was head of CBS). And he could have some salutary effects on the organization. Vince would sign a contract with the Mouse in a second if Mel was there. The resources of ESPN would be invaluable in setting up his Wrestling Channel, especially since he’d now have access to a decade’s worth of AWA broadcasts and two years’ worth of GWF (including early Booker T matches) courtesy of ESPN’s library, plus ESPN’s clout could be brought to bear on getting the channel on cable systems. Stern could revitalize the ABC Radio network once his contract ended. It could mean a whole new ballgame for the Mouse. I think they’d even pay Redstone out the nose for waiving the non-compete in order to get him.
Stay tuned to this one. It has a lot more ramifications than you can think.
* – Since I alluded to it in my teaser for the Smackdown Short Form last week, people asked me what I thought of the ending of “Zero Hour”. Does the word “bullshit” come to mind? And I actually like the idea of Evil Alien Space Nazis. That ending was just so…so Braga. He’s put them in a major hole for the beginning of next season. Just like my fellow coffee-swilling idol Kathryn Janeway, time travel gives me a headache.
GET TO KNOW THESE GUYS AND GALS
Here’s the full list of the Interim Iraqi Government, courtesy of cnn.com:
Interim President — Sheikh Ghazi al-Yawar
Deputy President — Ibrahim Jafari al-Eshaiker
Deputy President — Rowsch Shaways
Interim Prime Minister — Iyad Allawi
Foreign Minister — Hoshyar Zebari
Oil — Thamir Ghadbhan
Defense — Hazem Shalan al-Khuzaei
Interior — Falah Hassan al-Naqib
Justice — Malik Dohan al-Hassan
Human Rights — Bakhityar Amin
Electricity — Ayham al-Samarie
Finance — Adil Abdel-Mahdi
Health — Alaa Alwan
Communication — Mohammed Ali Hakim
Housing — Omar Farouk
Public Works — Nesreen Mustafa Berwari
Science and Technology — Rashad Mandan Omar
Planning — Mahdi al-Hafidh
Trade — Mohammed al-Joubri
Sport and Youth — Ali Faik Alghaban
Transportation — Louei Hatim Sultan al-Aris
Provincial Affairs — Waeil Abdel-Latif
Women’s Affairs — Nermin Othman
Immigration and Refugees– Bascal Essue
Irrigation — Abdul-Latif Rasheed
Labor — Leila Abdul-Latif
Education — Sami Mudahfar
Higher Education — Tahir al-Bakaa
Agriculture — Sawsan Sherif
Culture — Mufeed al-Jazaeri
Industry — Hajim al-Hassani
Minister of State — Qassim Dawoud
Minister of State — Mahmoud Farhad Othman
Minister of State — Adnan al-Janabi
No, I don’t know any of them. But you can be sure that no one in Iraq is actually 100% happy about this, since we still have bombs going off and soldiers being killed and all that. I will give them credit for pulling the old diversity card trick. Sheikh al-Yawar and his first-runner-up for the position of Head Junta Puppet, Adnan Pachachi, are Sunni. Jafari is Shi’ite. Dr. Shaways is Kurdish. It’s more the Clinton Cabinet than a government for a Middle East country, really. We’ll have to wait and see if this works, and determine exactly how “provisional” this government really is (namely, will there be elections early next year, or will there be a “state of emergency” called).
AND THE PERSON PULLING THE STRINGS OF THE ABOVE
From cnn.com:
Vice President Dick Cheney’s office denied Sunday that he was involved in a coordinated effort to secure a multibillion dollar Iraq oil deal for Halliburton, his former employer.
A reference to such an arrangement was made in an internal Pentagon e-mail from an Army Corps of Engineers official to another Pentagon employee, Time magazine reports in its June 7 edition, which is due on newsstands Monday.
The existence of the e-mail was confirmed to CNN by a senior administration official familiar with it.
The e-mail — dated March 5, 2003 — says Douglas Feith, undersecretary of defense for policy, approved the arrangement to award the contract to the oil-services company, the administration official said.
According to an e-mail excerpt in Time, the contract was “contingent on informing WH [White House] tomorrow. We anticipate no issues since action has been coordinated w[ith] VP’s office.”
The Corps of Engineers gave Halliburton the contract three days later without seeking other bids, Time reports.
Time says it found the e-mail “among documents provided by Judicial Watch, a conservative watchdog group.”
The senior official told CNN the e-mail was a typical “heads-up” memo from one government agency to another that “a decision has been made, we’re about to announce this contract, and as a courtesy we are alerting the White House of a public announcement. This is a standard practice.”
The “coordinated action” referred to, the senior administration official said, was “that of publicly announcing the contract decision that has already been made.”
The heads-up would have been given because of Cheney’s previous involvement in the company as chief executive officer, and the anticipated controversy over the noncompetitive bid, the official said.
Not even the most ardent Junta defender can deny that shenanigans have been taking place with Halliburton. Now, here’s the proof, offered up by Time Magazine its own self. There is no f*cking way Mad Dog is going to get out of this one. Despite all the denials, he’s still got 460000+ shares of Halliburton in escrow waiting for him when he’s driven out of Washington. This is the perfect example of the no-bid sweetheart deals that Halliburton has been receiving ever since the fun and games in Iraq started.
And yet people still defend Mad Dog and the rest of the Junta. Exactly how can you do this? Boys are getting killed over there for the financial gain of a select few with clout. Hasn’t that become clear to everyone by now?
IT SHOULD ALSO BE LEGAL FOR ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 OR WHO THREATENS TO VOTE REPUBLICAN
The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Bill was struck down as unconstitutional by the US District Court in San Francisco yesterday. Thank God.
I’ve been opposed to this bill from moment one, not because I believe in reproductive freedom (and have good reason to considering the number of my neuroses that stem toward the fact that my adoption was used against me psychologically by those sick f*cks who called themselves my parents), but because of one critically important reason: never before has the United States attempted to ban a procedure that had legitimate medical use, and to jail doctors on felony charges for performing one. There was no provision in this bill for the life and welfare of the mother, which is one of the main reasons it was whacked. This decision definitely f*cks up one of the big planks of the Religious Reich’s social agenda (which can be summarized nicely by the phrase “Let’s go back to the 19th Century”), and that’s a very good thing indeed.
Naturally, the parties are split on this by ideological lines. The Evil Bastards of the GOP are saying it’s a “tragedy” (those aren’t my words, those are Racicot’s). John Kerry’s saying “It’s a disgusting procedure, but without a provision for the welfare of the mother, I’m not supporting it. And, oh, by the way, unlike the Junta, I won’t appoint judges on the basis of ideology.” Good work, John. Remind everyone of the bullshit antics the Junta’s played with appointing judges. That should be a major issue in the campaign. Who do you want interpreting the law, someone who actually has the interests of the law in mind or some yahoo whose sole guideline is “What Would Jesus Do?”?
This one’s going to get kicked up, of course. But it won’t be determined until after the election when, hopefully, there will be a Clinton or Kerry appointee making the decision and we can forget about this for a long time, if not forever.
Oh, shit, I just realized that I answered all of the good mail last week, and the rest of it dealt with spyware removal. So no Mailbag! in here this week, although I might end up doing one for Smackdown Short Form considering the amount of mail I got for that. I’ll see you on Friday with that then.
