Welcome back to The Bootleg. As most of you know, 411 recently completed an extensive and exhaustive search for new writers. We heard from over 500 applicants and, from that total, only a handful was chosen for this exclusive gig. Now, take it from me…there are a lot of benefits to writing for 411, but none is greater than that golden key to the executive washroom a/k/a access to the 411 Staff Forum.
The Forums were designed with the idea that they would serve as a sounding board for new ideas for the site, administrative mumbo jumbo and general discussion. Those best-laid plans crumbled quicker than Krypton, however. Oh, we still cover a lot of stuff regarding the direction of 411 and future features, but usually by the eighth or ninth post on any topic, it turns into…well, see for yourself.
A discussion on a new feature over in the Movies Zone has provided us with more laughs than Police Academy 5 & 6 (hey, what can I say…huge Matt McCoy fan here).
CoachCoogan: C’mon guys…I know we can multi task here. You don’t think how the list is devised is important?
Mikeyfranchise: If I pissed in your mouth would it shut you up?
CoachCoogan: How is it you are so worried about this list being so “professional looking” and what kind of movies are on the list, but act far from it on these message boards as we try to iron out details?
Of course when it comes to a’fussin’ and a’feudin’, no one does it quite like the staff Music Forum. The old guard can smell new booty like blood in the water, so it was not a surprise that one of our virgin writers would venture into the lion’s cage…while wearing pork chop draws.
SpikyJim: Streets and Graham Coxon albums reviewed and sent, Darkness, Maroon 5 and Billy Talent reviews shelved and my apologies for over enthusiasm. Working on (or will be over the next week or so):
“You are the Quarry” – Morrissey (been out a week)
“Hot Fuss” – The Killers (out here next week)
EMISGOD: Stick to the f*cking point, kid. You are claiming such and such record, you are dropping such and such record. We don’t need to know (or care) when you are sending in your reviews or your hackneyed John Lennon quoting for no apparent reason. Thx in advance.
See what you’re missing out on?
So, if you didn’t make the cut this time around, keep writing, stay informed and hone your craft. Maybe the next time 411 is hiring, we might bring you on board, where you, too, can be sodomized by text on the Staff Forum.
At least there’s one thing we can agree on over in The Forum…Goodness makes it better!
And Don’t Get Me Started on the X-Games
Longtime fans might remember when ESPN2 launched back in 1993. It was basically Keith Olbermann in a leather jacket, a bunch of graphics in all lower case letters and Jim Everett performing a glorious public service for all of humanity. Eleven years later, the network is proud to establish a new nadir with the return of Block Party, hosted by Jermaine Dupri.
According to the press release, the highlight of this season will be “The Hook Up”, where athletes and rappers switch lives for the day. The schedule of participants includes Snoop Dogg swapping with the NFL’s Randy Moss, Master P. trading with the NBA’s Baron Davis and Roc-A-Fella CEO Damon Dash switching lives with boxer Winky Wright.
I think we can safely say that those first two exchanges don’t have a whole lot of potential for must-see-viewing. I mean, who wants to see Snoop Dogg run over a traffic cop or Moss steal a gimmick from E-40 and beat it into the ground? And who, outside of the 104 New Orleans-area Popeye’s chicken shacks even know who Baron Davis and Master P are?
Ah, but Dame Dash…in a boxing ring? Put that shit on pay-per-view and I’ll drop $50 even if he’s in there with Don Flamenco or Soda Popinski. Hell, make it $100 if someone goes Ivan Drago/Apollo Creed on him.
It’s Time…Time to go to Prison, That Is!
Every time I take a shot at Lil’ Kim, I get a handful of e-mails from the webmaster of one of her unofficial websites and some of their lascivious lurkers. So, I’ll do my best to keep it positive this time, as it appears the Lil’ Pork Pie has signed a deal to promote a new line of shitty novelty watches called “Queen B Royalty”.
It actually counts down the days until your eventual conviction on federal perjury charges and comes with an additional half-dozen notches for the Kim-sized “husky” wrist. Of course, you know it’s high-quality, since Kim would never connect her name with shoddy merchandise, save for Old Navy, Candies shoes and her last three albums.
Now in Dolby Surround-Sound Stereotype
Jessica Simpson has taken time out from Pizza Hut’s horrible ad campaign for their Buffalo Chicken Pizza (“c’mon, flap ’em again!”) to file a breach of contract lawsuit against a New Jersey promoter. Long story short, she agreed to perform in Puerto Rico last year, but the show was eventually cancelled. However, there was a contract in place that said Simpson got paid, regardless.
I just hope that all this unpleasantness can be overcome, because the last thing anyone wants to do is to associate Puerto Rico with this kind of chicanery. After all, many of its citizens were part of the great Chicano Renaissance of the mid-1970s. Back then, Hispanics were like the “New Negro” in America and they immediately left a lasting legacy on the pop culture landscape.
There was Freddie Prinze Classic who parlayed a successful stand-up gig into Chico & The Man…before he killed himself after a couple of seasons. Oh, and there was that wacky neighbor on Sanford & Son who spoke with that exaggerated accent (“Meester Sanford”). And that was pretty much it, until Elizabeth Peña played an undocumented immigrant who married a white guy so she could stay in the country and work as his maid in I Married Dora. Sheesh. Edward James Olmos must be turning in his grave.
Rush…Rush…Out of the Record Store
Paula Abdul plans to return to the studio during the summer/fall hiatus of American Idol. She’s already been ghost writing for several acts, including Kylie Minogue’s Spinning Around in 2000, but now the mochaccino moppet has designs on completing her comeback album by the end of this year. A Paula Abdul comeback album. Think about that for a minute.
Hey, it sounds like Kylie owes her a favor, so maybe she can make a cameo on the first single Ain’t Had A Hit Since ’88. Perhaps the producers can bribe Pebbles, Neneh Cherry and Samantha Fox with a dime bag and a couple of ham n’ cheese Lunchables to appear, too.
Hey, speaking of pre-packaged lunchtime goodies…do they still make Capri-Sun? If so, are those straws still as sharp and pointy, as ever? Man, you did not want one of those “juice-shanks” to get into the wrong hands during recess.
Yet We Allow Yao Ming to Run Around in Shorts and a Tank Top
Britney Spears is planning a performance in China next year, but it’s possible she’ll have to leave her clothes behind. Sorry, I’ve always wanted to type one of those ridiculous “teaser” lines that drips with pseudo sexual innuendo. Anyways, China’s Culture Ministry has approved Britney’s possible appearance in their country, but they have insisted on retaining veto rights for her wardrobe and content of any live show.
Man, this makes me wonder what those commie bastards think of Lucy Liu. I know she was born in the States, but as Chinese-Americans go, I’d say she represents deliciously. It’s funny, though…amongst my friends, I’m very much in the minority on Miss Liu’s general hotness. Of course, that’s pretty much par for the course for me, since I was probably the only high school senior with pictures of Jackeé and the mother from Family Matters in his locker. Damn, she had a fat ass.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
A New York judge has ruled that record label Blackground Entertainment can sue the guy who booked Alliyah’s private plane which crashed shortly after take off. In making her ruling, Judge Carol Edmean determined that the fallen singer was, in her words, “the prime asset” of Blackground and not “just an employee”. There’s no word at this time regarding whether or not the judge will let her comments stand by themselves, or actually drive to the cemetery, hike up her robe and sh*t on the graves of the other crash victims.
And has enough time passed yet for everyone to admit that, as a singer, Alliyah was just OK? She was easy on the eyes and could march in step with her back-up dancers, but was there really anything that separated her from Ashanti or J-Lo? Well, except for R. Kelly pissin’ on her back at age 15 and a laughably ludicrous role in a schlocky vampire movie.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick John Salemi
It’s a Nick’a-Free week for y’all as m’man Salemi is on vacation. So, if you’re in the greater Chicago area, be on the lookout for a 5’2″ goose monster who smells of boiled cabbage. However, his brother has stepped in to continue last week’s M.F.W.N.T.A.K. discussion, with seven names that were inexplicably omitted. Space constraints kept the whole list from running, but trust me…they’re all future contenders.
Josh Beckett – you just beat the greatest franchise on the biggest stage in front of millions of people, and what is the first thing you say:
“I’m ready for deer hunting season!”
Thanks for setting white people back 50 years you monosyllabic goober! I hate to break this to you but your James Earl Ray Fan Club membership will NOT get you a discount on your inevitable Tommy John surgery…You shut out the Yankees in the WS and talk about Deer Hunting Season? Your idiotic press conference makes Juan Pierre’s rapping sound like the Gettysburg Address. Earth to Sling Blade – Who’s Not Ready For Prime Time? – YOU!
Jimmy Kimmel – Speaking of setting white people back, how about this no talent hack? 2 hit shows that aren’t funny? Only he could make me hate a show with scantily clad women jumping on trampolines. THIS guy is supposed to make me laugh? Chris Rock said he was benefiting from White Guy Affirmative Action, I must agree. This shithead makes Magic Johnson look like Tim Russert…
Derek Lowe – Hey asshole! Nice middle finger/point to your crotch gesture to end a lucky playoff win…Did you think that wouldn’t come back to bite you in the ass in some karmic way?…How about a nice ERA just a shade under 7.00 this year…(Channeling Denzel in Malcolm X) “Derek Lowe, I’d say those chickens have come home to roost…”
Damon Dash – This guy dresses like a 12 year old and speaks in an amazingly condescending tone on talk shows (Costas, O’Reilly), when all he’s done is ride Jay-Z’s coattails for years. He actually had the balls to say “I’m making being smart cool!” because he “runs a business”. It’s like he won the Street Team Powerball – one minute you’re putting stickers on subway cars for Reasonable Doubt, the next minute you’re a CEO…Hey Jay, that’s one expensive friend if you ask me!
Ralph Wiley – I absolutely cannot finish any of this guy’s columns on ESPN Page 2. It’s like trying to read one of my old 8th grade papers that had to be at least 10 pages so I filled it with 9 pages of bullshit that I would be horrified to read the next day. What is this guy talking about?
I love how ESPN lists all the books he’s written and how many Sports Illustrated cover stories he has to his credit as if to say “well, he came highly recommended, we didn’t have time to check it out though”. Thinking about his columns almost turns me into Scott Peterson
Warren Sapp – This monumental jerk gave us the 2 most repulsive NFL moments since Napoleon McCallum’s leg almost fell off. 1) Skipping through a field is cute when a 6 year old girl does it, but it is quite grotesque when a 330 pound meatball with cornrows does it and 2) that vile touchdown dance where you bounced up and down and shook your massive pewter ass should be enough to scare all kids into playing soccer over football…I still haven’t recovered.
Jim Rome – Why the hell did ESPN bring this loser BACK? He’s always picking on the losing team for an hour. He usually says something like “Yeah, real good showing by the T-Wolves, call me when you win a series that MEANS something! KG needs to show he still can BRING IT, he needs to talk to his boys and let them know you have to play 48 minutes, not 40, this isn’t college or high school, bro!”
Excuse me, have you ever even put on sneakers Jim? Who the hell are you to judge athletes you soulless carrion muncher? SHUT UP! I swear when he dies the line at his wake will be a mile long full of athletes and fans who always wanted to beat the shit out of him and they’ll pound on his corpse. Then they can go over to the funeral and spit on his grave. Then have a great time celebrating while dancing and drinking at the reception…he’ll be missed.
That’s it for now
General Haberdashery
The Mexican Messiah references Lancelot Link. I really think orangutans had their place in Hollywood, but when I saw how one ruined Cannonball Run II, I knew they had outlived their welcome.
Canadian T. dates Avril Lavigne. I saw her on Bob Costas’ show last week and she was asked who would win the Stanley Cup. Her response: “I don’t follow hockey.” I think Alanis Morrissette wants her angst back.
Cocozza MAD…Cocozza SMASH! He’s too nice a guy to come off as pissed off. Kinda like Sergeant Laverne Hooks in those Police Academy movies. (Yikes, two references in one column)
Melchor means Mondays. He’s also the hardest working 411Maniac on the entire site. Think of him as Matthew Michaels, but with the respect of his peers. Zing.
And a big ol’ “bienvenidos” to Tayo Adesanya and his debut column. He looks at the Billboard charts, some videos in rotation and his presence increases the number of us Negro writers in the Music Zone from two to three. Eh, read him anyways.
Junk Mail
Last week’s Muthaf*ckas Who Need They Ass Kicked list produced the highest quantity and quality of feedback in the history of this middling little column. Thanks to everyone who contributed and a special thanks to the first time readers I heard from.
Instead of beating this dead horse into glue and bologna, I’ll save everyone’s lists and admit new inductees to the MFWNTAK Hall of Fame once or twice a month. I hope Salemi Version 2.0’s list holds y’all over this week. And, by the way, based solely on number of votes, it appears that Frankie from The Real World-San Diego is the reader’s choice for the first induction of June.
I hope most of you are baseball fans, because this might be the line of the year:
How can someone be so miserable living with the comedians she lives with? Plus you’re living on the water in San Diego and you miss Kansas City? Only Mark Gubicza longs for the good ole days in Kansas City. – Kevin W.
Once again, thanks to everyone who sent their suggestions our way. Please keep them coming and look for more inductees (and reader commentary) in the next few weeks.
Life With Baby Bootleg
Kid Cameron continues to undermine his inherent cuteness with these painfully long and loud crying jags. Me and Mrs. Bootleg are always looking for new ways to soothe the lad when he’s testing out the capacity of his lungs and my aunt’s partner (it’s a California thing) came up with something that’s definitely…different.
She swears by lettuce. No, not to eat…but to rub. On the baby’s body, that is. She insists that a leaf of lettuce rubbed liberally on the baby’s skin will not only keep them calm, but also help their skin.
What the hell is with all these old women and their pediatric quackery? More importantly, who was the first member of this woman’s family to come to the decision:
“Hey, we’ve tried everything else to keep Little Shabazz quiet and, so far, nothing’s worked. Why don’t I throw my salad at him?”
Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week
“How’s mommy’s little sweetie pants?” – several hundred times over the last few weeks.
I have no patience for baby talk. None. Whenever our kid is in the same room as his mother, I’m subjected to all sorts of nonsensical cooing, fawning and words that mean absolutely nothing.
When I hold Jalen, the wife always tells me that I should “talk” to him. “He picks up on it”, she tells me. So, I say, “What’s up, n*gga?” and I’m the bad guy?
All this “sweetie pants” gibberish is going to lead to years of gender confusion. And that would be death on my kid’s future job prospects. I mean, how much longer is this ‘gay craze’ going to last in America? Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, WWE Raw and Danny Boy can’t be popular forever, can they?
And without that gay safety net, all that’s gonna be out there for the gay male is the MAC kiosk at the mall next to the Dippin’ Dots stand.
This joke is deader than anything Jay Mohr is involved with. Just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
