Mistress: What are you doing, now?
Me: Ummm….playing Vice City.
Mistress: Again! You’ve been playing that every day for the past two weeks!
Me: No. I didn’t play last Thursday, I didn’t play….
Mistress: Quiet you inferior swine! How long have you been playing your pointless video game today?
Me: About four, maybe five hours.
Mistress: And what do you think you accomplished with your life in the past five hours!
Me: I beat Paramedic!
Mistress: Really?……Wow!
Hi everybody! From the one writer who finally admits they have a lower IQ then the reader, welcome to another edition of the worst column in 411: Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! We have a bunch of things to cover this week. The two big playoffs are rolling along, my first ever Baseball Death List, bad movies I watched last week, plus the main event: Tips and secrets on how to pear the Paramedic mission in Vice City! Let’s waste no time and get right to it…..
BUT, FIRST!
Ok…let’s waste some time. The majority of my feedback came from my little rant in the beginning of last week’s column. I think that just means everybody loves gossip. But overall, it seems my feedback (e-mail, IM, verbally, etc.) has been more toward the ‘stuff’ then ‘sports’- about 65/35. So this week, a little less sports, a little more stuff. Just to experiment and see how it looks. This is probably the week to do it, because as stated before, the big sports news is whatever happened in the playoffs last night, and there are plenty of people on Black who are doing a great job covering it. No reason you need someone to do a lousy job as well. I do have an idea of what I want this column to be, but it’s going to take some time, trial and error, and a little patience. But I promise you this: By the end of summer, this column will still suck, but not suck as much.
BASKETBALL
The stage is set for the Lakers and Pistons! This is probably the most competitive match-up between the East and West we could have hoped for. Though it’s the most competitive, will that mean it will be competitive outright? ….no. Most is a weird word you know. Like dead vs. mostly dead or cloudy vs. mostly cloudy. While ‘most’ is usually a multiple to heighten a variable to it’s highest exponent, it can also express simply a higher potential variable but not clarify the variable actually exists itself. For example, the Pistons or Lakers as the ‘most’ competitive matchup possible in the NBA finals.. I know, I know, I don’t do predictions. But you’re thinking what I’m thinking…as good as the Pistons are, if they don’t play better then their best, they could end up wiping the floor with their faces. Hopefully for the sake of everything…let’s have a good NBA finals and may the team with the player who is from my Alma Mata win!
Do you know who Dwight Howard is? Oh, you will! He is an 18 year old power forward from the Southwest Atlanta Christian Academy and he will be one of the top two picks in the draft. He also wrote a book. It’s called “How To Be Like Jesus: Lessons On Following In His Footsteps.”. Isn’t that nice? He also stated that he will put a cross on whatever NBA team logo he wears just to make sure and I quote, “to make sure that everybody hears the truth about God.” YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Now, not only will I have 70 year old white people telling me I’m going to hell, now I’ll have an 18 year old black kid to tell me I’m going to hell. YAYYYYYYY!!!!! Yeah, yeah…in this day and age it’s wonderful today’s children can still be religious. Wonder if he knows what the 3rd commandment is?
So last Saturday, I went to this BBQ place. And by the end of the evening, OVER HALF the place was at the bar watching the fourth quarter of the Wolves and Lakers. This brings us to our next topic.
HOCKEY
I hate to say mean things about this sport during it’s apex, but sometimes I just can’t ignore it. Last Monday, I was in a bar with about 50 people. At the third period of a 1-0 Stanley Cup final., four people were watching it. Myself, the bartender, a kind stranger, and the organist for the band of that day. That’s it. Four people…and I don’t mean other people were at least inquiring about it…I mean we were the only four who cared. This game wants to be as popular as Basketball? A long way to go and they’re better off not trying anyway. I mean people don’t want ANY part of it. I had this conversation several times with my compadres:
Other Person: Hey! How are you doing?
Me: Hey, what’s up! (slap, hug). How are you doing?
Other Person: Oh, I’m alright. Can’t complain. Whatcha watchin’
Me: Hockey! Great game!
Other Person: Oh….I’ll be over there.
That my friends is Hockey in America, except for Detroit, and whatever home market is playing.
As for this new NBC deal, there is some bad news which I will get to in a couple of weeks as the details keep rolling in, the good news is no more Gary Thorne. Not that he was horrible, but he was calling the Cup way too long then he deserved. My opinion of him went from not minding him so much to actually liking him back to not minding him so much and down to “ok, you’re act got old.†The BEST free agent out there (not an opinion, just a fact) is Doc Emerick. Unfortunately for Doc and most hockey fans, NBC isn’t going to want a thick Canadian accent calling a game they are desperately trying to sell as American. The early rumors are that long time NBC soldier, Marv Albert is being wined and dined. Yes, he does hockey too. That won’t be a bad thing, and Marv needs something to do ever since Al Michales took his spot (quite undeservingly).
BASEBALL
I now introduce my first ever Major League Baseball Death List for season 2004. Teams that make the death list will NOT be in the playoffs. They are for all intensive purposes, dead for this season. There are though several types of deaths in Baseball. There is the living dead in which these poor souls actually believe they’re alive and in contention. There are the haunting dead in which teams have accepted their fate but will take solace in the fact they can create hell for their divisional rivals. Then there are those who are just dead and buried and are waiting for next spring.
First up is the AL East. If you’re not the New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox, you’re dead. There are only two scenarios possible: Both teams make the playoffs or only one of them do. The other teams have no shot at the wild card as the other divisions will have inflated records. Even teams such as the ….
Baltimore Birdies: Only six games behind the division, and even less behind the wild card, one might think it’s way too early to discard them. And if one is an Oriole fan, they should disagree with me out of the sake of principle. But in reality, for them to make the wild card means to have a better record then the Yankees or Red Sox AND have a better record then everybody else. This team is too mediocre for such silly goals. Now supposedly, they are an up and coming team, but they have been labeled that for the past 5 years. When it happens, we’ll all know it. Until then, they’re dead.
Canada Blue Jays: See above. The difference is in their superior pitching, and they could make life hell for the Yanks and Red Sox and possibly spoil a season. Intriguingly, this team is only a few key players of being in contention. It’s just a question of management willing to pay for them which they’re not so they’re dead.
St. Petersburg Devil Rays: It doesn’t get deader then this. But ole crazy Lou is not going to sit back and watch them lose a 100 games. So they’ll be feisty. The good news is that McGriff is just a wee away of hitting home run 500. They’ll still be dead though.
The AL Central
Ever since the creation of this enigmatic division, there have never been more then two teams in contention after Spring. For the most part, it has been Chicago and Cleveland with Cleveland winning it and Chicago crying. Not it’s been Minnesota winning it and Chicago crying. But the division may be so lousy, that both teams could make the playoffs. As for the others…
Cleveland Native Americans- Remember the day when they were the most exciting team in baseball, sold out entire seasons, and made the playoffs every year? Well, management decided that is no way to run a professional sports franchise. Instead, they decided be like their divisional brothers and run it like Detroit and Kansas City. Cry, whine, and sing ‘It’s not fair! Wahhhhhhhh!†And if that doesn’t make money and put fannies in the seat, I don’t know what does. It also makes you dead.
Hockeytown Tigers-The small market team in the eighth biggest market. Only in America. This could be one of those teams that has a 6 or 7 game winning streak and have sport hacks scream “They are back in the raceâ€, which means nothing. They have a descent offense, but their best starting pitcher has a 4.41 ERA. That means they’re dead.
Better Jazz then Baseball Royals-It just seemed like a couple of months ago they were in first place! Now they are in last place. This was supposed to be this year’s AL surprise. Well, surprise! You’re Dead.
The AL West is going to be a shootout between three teams as it is every year. This year, a true AL surprise, the Texas Rangers will be one of those teams along with Anaheim whose somewhat comfortably in first and Oakland which will stick around until the end as usual. Which leaves us with…
Nintendo Mariners—What happened???? I’ll tell you what happened. You can only get rid of your best player every year for so long. After doing it eight straight years, it caught up to them. Also, screwing up Lou’s plans to coach the Mets generated bad karma. You don’t do that to a guy like Lou. Now they’re dead.
The NL East is still anybody’s division. As of now, it’s between Florida and Philly. But one can’t discount Atlanta just out of respect and the Mets though could potentially fall to the bottom of the barrel; could also win ten straight and get back in it. As of now, it’s just….
The Puerto Rico, Las Vegas, Richmond, Portland, or D.C. Expos-I’m assuming you don’t need me to tell you they’re dead.
The NL Central’s last and first place teams are separated by only four games. Uh oh….I’d like to say it’s anybody’s division, but I should kill one. Which one should I kill? I’ll kill….
The Commissioner’s Brewers-Why? Because they’re the brewers, that’s why. Despite having some of the best youngsters in the game, there is too much for this little team to overcome right now. A couple of series with the Astros and Cubs….they’ll be dead.
Which brings us to the NL west. The California teams are hovering around the same record with the southwest teams 10 games behind. The truth is none of these teams are awesome and any of these teams could end up in first or last place. But for fun let’s kill off…
The Team in the Mountains-i don’t think this isn’t controversial. We all KNOW this team isn’t doing anything except have weird stats such as Burnitz hitting .329 at home and .230 away. As dead as Dillinger.
So in conclusion: Most of the AL is dead which is of no surprise. Most of the NL is alive due to it not being so top-heavy. We’ll get back to it in July to see how everyone is doing.
RASSLIN
Speaking of things that are dead, remember the IWC?
Anyway, I’m going to Smackdown! next week in Northern Nazi headquarters a.k.a. Long Island. So I’ll have a full LIVE REPORT next week! Because the good Lord knows, we need MORE live reports.
TURBULENCE 3: HEAVY METAL
So while the movies division of 411 Mania is busy reviewing new movies, writing articles on great movies, and making lists, I’ll keep tabs on the bad movies. I love all types of movies: American Surrealism, French reformation, German expressionism, western/samurai flicks, b-grade exploitation films, and of course C-grade straight to video/HBO films. One of those being Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal. I have never seen the first one starring Ray Liotta which from what I gather has become a cult classic. Nor have I seen the sequel with Tom Berenger. But the third one with Joe Montegna….oh yeah! The plot is that Marilyn Manson spinoff Slade Craven is doing a private showing on what else….an airplane! The showing is also being broadcast live via the internet! But, satanic terrorists have taken over the plane and plan to crash it in Eastern Kansas because Eastern Kansas is where the gateway to Hell is! It’s so evil, that when the Pope was in America, he flew AROUND Eastern Kansas. Only Rock and Roll star Slade Craven can do anything about it…and he will by god! But he needs some help like FBI agent Joe Mantegna who remarkably does not do one thing to help. Instead, it’s up to this computer geek. He recently was arrested by a pretty FBI girl, but now these two by hacking in the internet web cast’s mainframe computer, they must help Slade Craven defeat the terrorists and save the day. But, even after he defeats the terrorists, it’s up to Slade to LAND the plane, with the help of the geek due to his experience in playing flight simulator games. The most dramatic part of the movie is when while landing the plane, Slade throws away his inverted cross necklace, and cries “Please God, Let us Live!†Of course, the rock and roll star saves the day with MILLIONS of people watching on the internet, and the FBI chic puts the geek in handcuffs and has kinky sex with him and everyone lives happily ever after. What a great movie!
VENGEANCE FORCE!
So I’m about to go to sleep when all of a sudden this movie comes on starring Michael Rooker and Robert Patrick. Oh my god! These two in the SAME movie. I had no choice but to watch it. Robert Patrick plays the chief of a SWAT team gone array. Instead of arresting people, they now kill them! And I mean kill everybody. They went into this porn czar’s mansion, and killed everybody…men and women alike. They didn’t kill the children though. Awwwwwww. Michael Rooker plays an FBI agent who is determined to put a STOP to it. By the first 15 minutes of the movie, you will know how the last 15 minutes ends. And not much happens in the middle oddly enough, but it was bizarre seeing Michael Rooker as a good guy and Robert Patrick as a bad guy , making for some priceless scenes.
VICE CITY
I have beaten the Paramedic mission! That’s right, the mission that others have claimed ‘impossible’ to beat, I have vanquished! But, I’m not going to gloat about it, oh no. I’m, going to share with YOU, tips and secrets on how to beat the almost all-powerful Paramedic mission. So, if you’re like me, trying to get a 100% completion, having charts, lists, and maps all around you like some maniac, I empathize and want to help. So here we are, in honor of the twelve levels of the Paramedic mission, I give you the twelve best tips on how to beat paramedic.
1) STAY CALM!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot emphasize this rule enough. No matter what happens, I said no matter WHAT happens, and yes, LOTS of things will be happening, just STAY CALM!
2) This mission requires ample amounts of emotional energy. So once you start the game for that day, and you want to WIN the paramedic mission. Do it FIRST thing. This mission require 35-45 minutes of almost perfect driving. You will need every ounce of cerebral energy you have for that day.
3) Bring something to drink with you…this can be an alcoholic beverage, some hot tea, or a glass of milk. Whatever relaxes you, because you will need to STAY CALM!
4) Get the ambulance parked outside Shady Palms Hospital in Vice Point, and ONLY the ambulance parked outside Shady Palms Hospital in Vice Point so that you’re responsibility will be northern East Vice City. That is clearly the simplest one.. It is the easiest part of the city to navigate and you’ll get lots of patients on the beach (which is a godsend). As for Ocean Beach, it has too many twists and turns. And East Vice City…forget it. The gang war between the Cubans and Haitians will end up popping your tires, and you get ONE patient at the airport or coliseum…it’s OVER.
5) Use the siren. Yes, it’s annoying, but the mission is that much harder without it. And this mission is difficult enough.
6) In Vice Point, you may get some patients on Starfish or Prawn Island. Should that happen, STAY CALM!!!!!!!! Why? Because it brings us to Tip 6.
7) BE QUICK BUT NOT FAST!!!!!! Believe it or not, if you have a good plan of action, you have plenty of time to do your job. The ambulance can take lots of damage, and can speed like lightning, but it can and will tip over. All you need to do is be quick and forthright, but you do not have to go max speed. And if you do go max speed…bad things will happen. This is especially true ON THE BEACH. You will want to go 120 MPH on the beach, but if you do, you will tip over or run off the cliff at the shoreline. Just be quick and start to brake early.
8) Should the ambulance flip, STAY CALM! If luck is on your side, it will go back on its wheels, and though it will look like it is about to self-destruct, it will not! Just STAY CALM!
9) Have a good plan of action, after levels four or five, take some time to look at the map, and think who you want to pick up first and pick up last. (Remember, no more then three!!!!). You may have to pause and think about it, personally I recommend not pausing too long, just enough to take a deep breath and sip your drink. Because once you’re in the zone, you will need to stay that way for a consistent amount of time, so think about it, but don’t think too long.
10) Watch out for suicidal cops! If you hit one, STAY CALM! Just know where your bribes are! Specifically, the dip at the Southern part of the Mall, the bushes south of the Pizza Shop, and the first alley at the film studio. It’ll be OK…really.
11) Watch out for crazy patients that will hit your ambulance, when, not if, but when you hit one and they do not die, STAY CALM! Just slightly run over them (it won’t kill them) and have the back door right next to there body. And when they don’t get up right away..STAY CALM! It’s only three or four seconds, it’ll feel like eternity, but you have plenty of time.
12) At the last two levels (11 and 12), Vice City will go INSANE! Your ambulance will look like it’s been bombed three times over, cars will crash into you, cops will jump in front of you, patients will dive headfirst under your wheels, and they will also be at the most INCONVENIENT places. Edge of cliffs, on top of staircases, at a police station, etc. Just STAY CALM! At this level, just go to a place where they will be in bunches (at this point, you will get the gist of the pattern) and increase your time-load. You will have plenty of it to do your thing. Just ignore the insanity and do your job like a good paramedic.
And those are my tips! The best of luck to all of you. And remember if you fail (which you will the first several times), it may be best to say screw it and leave it for another day.
That ‘s all folks. Have a great first week of June! Just remember, the treasure is not at the end of the rainbow, but somewhere in the middle.
NEXT WEEK
A New 2004 NHL Stanley Cup Champion!
Live report on Smackdown!
Why Boba Fett is either stupid or on lots of drugs!
