411 Music's Friday News Bootleg

Welcome back to The Bootleg. My longtime readers know that every year, I take a couple of trips to the Bay Area during the baseball season. I get a chance to see the first place Oakland A’s and my boy (Vig) provides me with room and board along with an evening of bar hopping in San Francisco that usually assures my window seat in hell someday.

I knew that last weekend’s trip to the Bay was gonna be a special experience even before our plane took off. Seated next to me was an elderly white lady with a gaunt, almost sunken face. Try to imagine this guy with a few more teeth and a little less hair.

Anywho, she turns to me and extends a withered claw to my shoulder and tells me that I have a nice smile. Never mind that I wasn’t smiling, as my usual pre-take off ritual is to close my eyes and repent all my sins in the event that we crash into a mountain or fly into the sun or something.

But, a compliment is a compliment and, when it comes to women, regardless of their age, I want to teach my son to respect the bitches. I politely thanked her and quietly hoped that I wouldn’t be spending the next 90 minutes fending off her aged advances.

In the desperate quest to find anything to read in the hopes that I looked “too busy” to talk, I reached for the official Southwest Airlines Magazine. Unfortunately, before I could turn to even one page on “The New Albuquerque!” or the catalog pullout featuring $99 Sharper Image automatic water dispensers for cats (trust me, save your money), the old goat was on me again…and this time, she brought the line of the weekend:

“You remind me of my daughter’s husband…he’s colored, too.”

I couldn’t make this up if I tried, kids. She must’ve been hiding in the trunk of Doc Brown’s DeLorean during one of his many trips to and from November 1955. I guess she got out to stretch her legs and was tragically left behind. Her words had me feeling as hurt and helpless as Samuel L. Jackson in A Time to Kill, but without virtuous white do-gooders, Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock to save my ass in the final act.

Fortunately, I was able to spin this hate crime into a great time (rhyme provided by Nick Salemi). I saw Tim Hudson and the A’s shutout the evil Toronto Blue Jays. I spent a grip on any and everything baby related with an A’s logo. We went into Frisco that evening and laid the foundation for my eventual divorce proceedings.

Try to imagine a 12-hour (!) marathon of that old ’90s show, Studs…except with two even cheesier guys, a lot less sex and fewer acid washed jeans.

Larry Bird says, “The Goodness is Black enough for everyone.”

C’mon, Baby…How Could You Not Want All of This!

Avril Lavigne is telling anyone who’ll listen that she’s spent the last few weeks fending off the advances of Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst. At a recent Metallica tribute, Durst sent a dozen double cheeseburgers backstage to Lavigne. With that kind of appetite, I can only assume that she was the fifth Facts of Life girl. Shortly after that, Durst took a private jet to an Avril concert and followed her back to her hotel.

There was no lovin’ to be had, however, as Lavigne went to her room alone and Durst was denied another notch in his belt. Now, we’ve all sent 15 pounds of mutilated cow, cheese and ketchup to that special someone in the hopes that they might notice us. But, hopping on a plane and crossing multiple time zones to “see” someone is bordering on Swimfan territory.

Speaking of which, Erika Christensen of Swimfan also had a role in 2002’s The Banger Sisters. As a public service announcement for every guy out there, when your wife or girlfriend is calling you from Blockbuster and suggests this 100 minute Metamucil thrill ride with Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon…make sure she reads the entire movie title. Mrs. Bootleg referred to it simply as “Banger Sisters”, unintentionally making the second syllable sound like “her”. I all too eagerly asked the to bring home two copies.

Franks and Beans!

The PC Police are officially looking for Lindsay Lohan. She’s apparently run afoul of mentally challenged advocacy groups who are up in arms over her use of the word “retarded”…as in “OMG, that’s so retarded!” She’s used the “R-word” in response to repeated questions about her alleged breast implants and her rumored feud with Hilary Duff.

And, speaking of White Chicks, can anyone tell me who green lit the movie of the same name? Now, I loved Scary Movie and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka was one of the defining films of my youth, but I think the blonde stereotypes have already been beaten into the ground by real-life carbon masses Jessica Simpson and Jenny McCarthy.

Oh, and a quick message to everyone asking, “Do you think they would ever make a movie called “Black Dudes”, with a white guy in blackface?” Um, they already did, moron. It was called Soul Man and released back in 1986. And judging from his filmography since then, I guess the “C” in C. Thomas Howell stands for “Can a brutha get a job?” Unless you count that work he’s been doing as the new pitchman for Sprite. Show ’em my MOTTO!

You Can Find It Wherever Lottery Tickets Are Sold

Don’t get me wrong…I love this whole Bootleg gig…but, it’s obvious that I’ve been on the beat a little too long when I’m reporting the same stories with only the cast of characters changed. Remember the controversy from last year surrounding Nelly and his Pimp Juice drink? Now, it seems that my namesake, rapper Cam’Ron, has a new beverage on the market called Sizzurp Purple Punch.

It’s along the same lines as such college date-rape staples like Boonesfarm and the drink’s name plays off of both Cam’ron’s forthcoming Purple Haze LP and 3-6 Mafia’s 1999 regional hit single Sippin’ on some Sizzurp. In that instance “sizzurp” referred to children’s cough syrup and the benefits of pounding it straight or mixing it with your favorite liquor.

It’s basically a Flaming Moe without the acetylene torch. And this goes to show, once again, everything is stolen from The Simpsons…unless you’re a smarmy internet writer, then you’re obligated to steal from Office Space and Clerks, too.

I Thought We Kicked His Ass

I have bad news for all you fans of The Real World and Sorority Life. According to a recent press release, there’s gonna be a whole lot more Black people coming to MTV. Thanks to the inexplicably high ratings of ghetto garbage like Pimp My Ride and Making the Band 2, the network has decided to green light an additional pair of “reality” shows with a Negro urban flavor flava.

The first is tentatively called Borrow My Crew. #1 Muthaf*cka Who Needs His Ass Kicked, Farnsworth Bentley and his self-styled Glam Squad will dole out complete fashion makeovers for needy viewers. The second is a still untitled vehicle for Jay-Z. It plans to unite artists from different musical genres and blend their respective styles into a new sound.

I think we can all assume that Jay-Z’s show will die a quick death the second that Connor, Cody and Jeremy (who, together, form the Indie band “Eventual Sell-outs”) are paired with Pookie and Nub-Nub from the underground rap group “Killacracka”. Guaranteed: 22 bullet n’ stab wounds in the garage band’s gullets and “no one will see a thing”.

As for Farnsworth, his 15 minutes should’ve ended hours ago and now he’s cutting into other’s people time. I guess I can’t be too mad since he’s likely stealing some of the eventual spotlight from one of those 3’6″ sixteen-year-old gymnasts who hasn’t had her period yet, but still manages to stick her dismount with gumption and “capture the hearts of America” at the upcoming Olympics. You think Nub-Nub has some “people” in Greece? We can always hope.

Don’t Believe Their Gripe

Riddle me this: What do pioneering rap icons Public Enemy and neutered new-age star Moby have in common? Depends? Perhaps. Dentu-Grip? Definitely. But, now they’re also collaborating on an anti-war track for a compilation album called Unity due out on July 12. The cut is called MKLVFKWR which is shorthand for “make love, f*ck war”. Jesus, can someone please tell me when Chuck D MC Al Sharpton is finally going to retire the soapbox?

15 years ago, P.E. was dropping angry and acidic anthems like Fight The Power and today, they’re walking arm-in-arm with Moby? Is this what becomes of all middle-aged militants? Is The Nation of Domination joining forces with Three Count on the indy circuit? Is Grimlock sharing a two-bedroom condo with Bumblebee on the dark side of Cybertron? Damn it, has Michael Evans from Good Times married Cindy Brady? I hear she’s down with the “swirl”.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Who says the Olympic spirit is dead? If anyone out there is roaming the streets of New York City, looking for the end of the 20-block line for a Shawn Michaels autograph signing, don’t be surprised if you see a mush mouthed Black man carrying a torch through the streets. No, it’s not Spike Lee in the climactic scene of Do The Right Thing. It’s just Puff Daddy. He’s been tapped to carry the eternal flame during the Torch’s run in The Big Apple.

Can anyone pinpoint the exact moment that the Olympics became irrelevant? Was it during the jingoistic us-against-the commies nonsense back in ’84? Perhaps the debut of The Dream Team in 1992? Hell, how about when an amateur wrestler decided to parlay his Olympic success into an obnoxious pro wrestling gimmick?

My vote goes to the 1988 Winter Games in Calgary. Three words: Jamaican Bobsled Team. I’m all for the story of the inspiring underdog, but the second it leads to a full-length feature film, like it did with 1993’s Cool Runnings, that’s where I draw the line. And has anyone wondered why there aren’t as many sports movies made anymore?

Look no further than the mid-90s…an era that gave us Kevin Bacon and Emeka Okafor in The Air Up There…Shaq Daddy and the late Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway in Blue Chips…Whoopi Goldberg in Eddie…Michael Jordan in Space Jam…Hey, maybe we should be blaming the NBA. I mean has there been any good basketball put on film since those hoops scenes from Teen Wolf?

Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi

Luckily for Bootleg fans, after my extended vacation I’m back. I heard Aaron was talking smack about me while I was gone. Let me know if you heard anything. Anyway, a few weeks ago I took on the NBA and their compilation rap CD B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret.

We received requests to clown other athletes’ attempts to rap. Which brought me to eBay and the fifty cents I paid for NFL Jams, a 1996 collaboration of NFL players and hip hop artists.

Stay With Me – Richie Rich and Esera Tuaolo
For those of you who don’t remember, Richie Rich was a Bay-Area rapper who enjoyed moderate success in the 90s. Esera Tuaolo played in the NFL as a defensive lineman for 9 seasons who doubled as a Hawaiian R&B singer.

I’m not sure Richie would ever list this as a joint venture he’s proud of, especially being from the Bay and all. I’m just sayin.

When the Cheering Stops – AZ, Ray Buchanan, Scott Galbraith and Zhane
Quite an ensemble cast, no? Galbraith and Zhane take care of the R&B vocals and Buchanan and AZ lay the raps down. Kind like Jigga and R Kelly’s idea, except well, the opposite. We’ll call it “The Worst of Both Worlds”.

I think it’s safe to say the cheering has stopped for all of them.

It’s In The Game – Method Man and Ricky Watters
Typical Method Man soundtrack verse, very similar to his “Shadowboxin” flow. True mid-90’s Wu feel to it (True Master on production) Meth was still on fire at this point in his career. Watters? He was still on fire in his football career too. But his verse…

Yo bring it back, or make it hit harder
Infiltrate your mind like Nino at the Carter, but smarter
So drop harder, if you wanna conjugate
Verbs and nouns, make it profound as I pound

Conjugate verbs and nouns? C’mon now Ricky. I would have paid to hear a collabo with him and Deion.

Heads Get Split – Channel Live and Corey Harris
Channel Live? What the hell? Did Corey Harris catch them selling bootleg (ha!) T-shirts in the parking lot on his way into a game? “Hey guys you wanna do a song with me?”

How about this line:

This Channel be the livest like just like Sterling on SportsCenter.

Note: Sterling Sharpe is no longer on Sports Center and Channel Live has not released any albums in this century. Coincidence?

Fast Life – Ghostface and Andre Rison
Ghostface from the Wu representin’ on this one, kickin’ his usual brand of nonsense but makin it sound good. Horrendous R&B hook though. Andre “Bad Moon” Rison sounds like he may have been able to sneak into a Wu “B-Team” Sunz of Man or Killarmy verse but not on this one son.

The Way You Make Me Feel – Donell Jones and Robert Brooks
What do you get when you cross R&B sensation Donell Jones (who was relatively unknown in 96) with former Packers WR Robert Brooks? Surprisingly, a pretty hot track. Well, except for Brooks’ Rappin 4-Tay like intro and outro raps. Just as the NFL Gameday video game didn’t show his breakaway speed, this song doesn’t show his true rap talent, which I’m sure exists somewhere in the producer of this CD’s imagination. This could have easily gotten airplay if they threw in a real rapper.

Game Day – Phife Dog and Rodney Hampton
The beginning is historical as it leads off with shout outs to the broadcast crews of ESPN, FOX and NBC. It HAS to be the first rap song where Joe Theisman and Bob Costas got shout-outs. Rodney Hampton’s delivery sounds like he’s reading of a piece of crinkled notebook paper…and it’s the first time he’s ever read aloud. As for Phife Dog, the guy who came up with my favorite rap sports metaphor ever,

“Your styles is incomplete same as Vinny Testeverde”

We now get:

“Probably could not manage if their name was Tom Lasorda” and “got more wins than that man Dan Reeves”. Ugh.

I got one:

I’m a make it a Quest for my Tribes / to find some new rhymes
Or I’ll end up like Phife/ sleepin’ under New York Times

Bayriders Celly – Cell and William Floyd
I’m sure AJC can correct me here, I remember hearing of Celly Cell back in the day but I am sure he had nothing resembling a hit. I think he had ads for his album waaaaaaaay at the back of the Source. He actually gets out-rapped by William “Bar None” Floyd on this one. Nuff’ said.

No Doubt – Havoc of Mobb Deep and Tyrone Wheatley
Sounds like a track that didn’t make it onto the Mobb’s Hell on Earth CD. Nothing special here. However, they wisely follow the strategy the Raiders and Giants used with Wheatley, which is using him sparingly, if at all.

Gotcha Lookin’ – Pharcyde and Raghib “Rocket” Ismail
OK the Pharcyde was pretty much done at this point and Ismail was about to enjoy the worst season of his NFL career. Clearly his play was a direct result of this song. He leads off the track doing an imitation of the Pharcyde “over-pronouncing each word” flow, which like I said was pretty tired at this point. So imagine something that played out…spit by Raghib Ismail: here he is mid-verse:

In my heart he blocked that thing from happenin/ Yo kid that’s why today I’m rappin in
The studio with my brothers but I don’t really understand
But yo I have command / and authority over spirits that try to block my mental capacity and come near it
They cant touch it they cannot come true/ My name is Raghib Ismail, Child of god to you
Don’t ask me this or that or those cause those who you see on the ground were my foes

In case that wasn’t enough the song also features another lame jack move of the hook from Rockwell’s Somebody’s Watchin’ Me. This cut shouldn’t have even have made CFL Jams.

Celebration – Flip and Lamont Warren
Have no idea who Flip is and barely recall Lamont Warren, a RB whose (after a quick internet search) career high rushing yards for a season was 230. Since no one knows either of these guys, I’ll spare you except to say that there’s a cheesy re-hash of Kool and the Gang’s Celebration. I think I’ll have the NFL Jams version played at the next wedding I attend.

Unintentional Comedy Rating: 6
While not as hysterical as some of the crap (and perfect 10 rating for comedy) served up on the Basketball compilation, it was definitely worth the $.50 for a cheap laugh, though.

That’s all for now…we are taking requests and as a FYI, AJC and I both own Deion Sanders’ CD.

General Haberdashery

So, last week, I received the following email in my inbox:

Hey Aaron,

Pop onto AIM sometime this evening. I’ve got an offer you’d be a fool to refuse (!). Not to oversell it, but it’s bigger than ten SuperBowls! Or something.

Anyhoo, gimmie a shout.

Joe

Of course “Joe” is our own Joe Reid, the 411 Friday Movie News guy who is far and away one of the sharpest and funniest writers on our site. He’s an actual movie writer who was born without the pretentiousness (or know-it-all-ism) that seems to befall every internet scribe who took two semesters of Community College Film 101.

Long story short…I’ve agreed to fill-in for the Movie News Happy Hour next week! Think of it as “Goodness meets Garbo”, “Bootleg meets Brando” or “Salemi meets (Pauly) Shore”.

And, to celebrate…let’s pair up the links with their most appropriately bad 1995 movie.

The Mexican Messiah opens up with a “Whammo” reference, which is good enough for a memory or two of The Brady Bunch Movie.

Presiloski continues the Canadian Invasion that probably peaked with Jim Carrey’s meteoric rise to top billingdom. Trevor’s got more laughs than Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, however.

Smilo is young enough to have actually been in attendance at Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie. And, much like that multi-ethnic cast, he’s living on borrowed time. Oops, I’ve said too much.

Melchor has the unique ability to piss people off when he shows up for his column…and when he doesn’t. I’m not sure what that has to do with White Man’s Burden, but it’s his cross to bear.

Dave Gagnon had me as his special guest a few weeks back. Find out my thoughts on George W. Bush, American Idol, the album of the year and how I’d spend my last day on erf. Le Samedi Noir is actually Judge Dredd in French, y’know.

Junk Mail

Much love to Salemi, Version 2.0 for his Lenny Harris-like pinch-hitting performance for his brother Nick. It appears our readers enjoyed his addendum to the MFWNTAK listing.

Holy shit. Thank GOD that the other Salemi remembered Jim Rome. I f*cking can’t stand that guy. 38-year-old white men who stand 5 foot 4 should not be saying things like “dap”, “A.T.L.” and “pimpin'”. If I send you $5 can we start a collection for Jim Everett to finish the job? – Carlos C.

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Jim Rome is the single worst thing to ever happen to sports radio, which was pretty sh*tty to begin with. He was part of that whole “push the envelope” integration of Stern’s shock-jock tactics into all facets of the media and we all still paying for it. – P.J.

And what did y’all think of John’s other nominees…?

F*ck YES! I’m a 22-year-old African-American and you’d think that Ralph Wiley would be speaking for our people…but there’s NO one who can understand what the f*ck he’s talking about. All this “dog” jive nonsense reads like my old uncle trying to talk like me and my boys. Ralph…you’re 60…just die already. – Alex R.

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Nice job by Salemi 2…When are you and the Salemi Brothers going to collaborate on something that expands beyond your Friday fanbase? Y’all deserve better than Scott Keith sloppy seconds, son. Your boy was dead on about Kimmel’s show, or as I call it: Vibe Lite. For God’s sake the man once had Master P and Lil’ Romeo on his show! Can’t we stop this? – Mike F.

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Come on, Aaron…Don’t you think Salemi went a little overboard with the “setting white people back” lines? I thought he was dangerously close to reverse racism there, since there was no need to go for the lazy race angle. You guys aren’t good “black” writers, you’re just good writers. Just keep that in mind if you can. – Paul A.

Uh, Paul…the Salemis aren’t “good black writers”. John is actually a terrific white writer, while his brother Nick is merely acceptable…and also of the Caucasian persuasion.

Trust me…Josh Beckett’s “huntin'” comments set your people back, just like Making the Band 2 set mine back. It’s not just funny…it’s true.

Life With Baby Bootleg

For one week only, I’m obligated to take the spotlight off of my son and shine in brightly on the family cat. This past Monday, “Whiskers” (shaddap) went to an oncologist for the removal of a cancerous growth on his nose.

He’s about 14-years-old and we’ve had him for the last five or six years. During that time, he’s been to the vet for routine check-ups and vaccinations and been diagnosed with the following: cataracts, arthritis, an enlarged thyroid, anemia, an irregular heartbeat and, yes, gingivitis. Just try’n imagine every professional wrestler who lives past the age of 32 and that’s my cat…without the back acne and track marks.

Whiskers had to have about 25% of his nose removed and required 48 hours of monitored recovery time from the vet staff. All told, this little “procedure” set The Cam Fam back about $2,000 and to save on household expenses, we’ve been forced to mash all of our nearly used up bars of soap together, so that they’ll last longer.

In addition, we’re eating fish sticks that are charred on the outside, yet frozen on the inside in the hope that it’ll all even out. Finally, Baby Bootleg will be wearing a recycled Crown Royal bag, which we’re trying to pass off as a velvety, designer onesie.

But, the surgery was a success and Santa’s Little, er, uh “Whiskers” is going to be alright.

Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week

“How can you not watch? This is history.” – Tuesday, June 8

Here’s something you can set your watch to: if the national media is saturating the country with a overhyped news “event”, you can bet my wife will be glued to the idiot box. This is the same woman who got up at 2:30 AM to watch Princess Diana’s funeral in 1997, yet couldn’t be bothered to recognize the Hip Hop Day of Mourning when Buffy from The Fat Boys died.

All week, our TV hasn’t moved from MSNBC, CNN or Fox News, while the wife watches casket-to-casket coverage of “Ronald Reagan Remembered”. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not trying to trivialize the man’s death, but can we have just a little perspective here? He was 93. That’s more than three lifetimes in Logan’s Run.

And it’s not Reagan’s passing, so much as it’s the media’s handling of the story, particularly here in ultra-conservative San Diego. Do we need the 15 mph procession down the freeway? I mean, after A.C. Cowlings and O.J., I’d say that territory has already been covered. And what about all the shots of Nancy Reagan in the same red dress she’s been wearing since she stole it from wardrobe of that Diff’rent Strokes Just Say No episode?

Goodbye, Ronnie…now, give me back my back-to-back episodes of Family Ties on the all-too-rare days that I decide to stay home from work and watch my son.

In Memoriam

Is…is it “HOO-lio” or “JEW-lio”?

-Former President Ronald Reagan asking Vin Scully how to pronounce 2B Julio Franco’s name while on the air from the booth of the 1989 Baseball All-Star Game.

Thug in peace, you big ol’ pimp.

This joke is deader than…well, you know. Just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13