We will go heavy on the analysis and light on the news this week as we usually do during the week after a pay-per-view.
News To Me – The Reich Stuff II
Well, the Bradshaw controversy has pretty much passed and the results were just about as I predicted last week. A reprimand from WWe to show that they are apologetic, but nothing very close to the firing that some feel he deserved. This makes sense from a practical standpoint as SmackDown has a pay-per-view coming up in a matter of weeks that is based heavily around the JBL character and Vince hates admitting that a creation of his might have some shortcomings. Bradshaw himself has mirrored this sentiment by launching a missive on his website, defending his character’s actions.
Luckily for Bradshaw, the media seems to buy into his argument at least a little bit as a reading of last week’s story in the Wash Post demonstrates. This and the fact that at least a few other wrestlers like Big Show were willing to sympathize with his plight were the only things keeping him from a one-way ticket to Nashville.
The episode does seem to have sobered Bradshaw up a bit as his net commentary backtracked from its previous descriptions of Internet wrestling fans by making a distinction between surfers and site owners. So, no dice for you Widro, you’re still a virgin.
News To Me – Whatever Happened To The Classics?
Chavo Classic has been issued his walking papers by the WWe brass, apparently for not going along with some comedy sketches they had planned for his character.
This is bad news in that I was really enjoying the Classic character as a comedy bit. The good news, for fans like Matthew Michaels who wanted to see SmackDown tap its cruiserweight division, the firing could open up spots for a new star or too. This would be a great thing for a brand that really needs some new faces. Speaking of which
News To Me – Face Facts
WWe might turn Undertaker heel in an alliance with Paul Heyman so that he can feud with Eddie for the title.
Hey, idiots, how about turning that Cena guy heel and doing the same thing?
Sorry, I’ve needed to vent about that for, oh, about a year now.
Missing Links
Ryan Byers introduces us to his new column, which takes a look at social issues related to wrestling. I’m kinda in the middle of his debate with Ken Anderson about how seriously wrestling should be taken. I generally take it with a grain of salt, but I do love it when it incorporates so-called “real life” elements into storylines. Its impact on children is probably more profound than we realize, however. Great concept for a column.
Jed Shaffer rewrites the Montreal screwjob. If you love fantasy booking, check this out.
The Little Things – Bad Blood
I’ll get right to the good stuff with a Little Things breakdown of Sunday’s pay-per-view then turn it over to Bill for RAW. Bill has a ton of good stuff this week, so I’ll keep my analysis brief. Overall, I thought the show was a lot like Judgment Day – some good and some bad on the undercard with a compelling, gory main event to top things off.
1. Surrounded
HHH did a great job of selling the mystique of the Hell in a Cell by simply looking up at it as it was lowered over the ring. You had the sense that even a seasoned veteran of HitC matches still gets intimidated by the prospects of the match before it gets going.
HHH also did a more impressive battered wrestler act than HBK at the end of the match. HHH never opened his eyes, was covered in blood and needed 3 men to help him to the back while HBK got up on his own power, looked pretty clean and even raised his hands to his music. Either he thought the cameras were off or forgot to stop selling the effects of the match.
HHH has been doing a great job as of late with the Little Things. Bill will speak more about this later on in the column.
2. Rob Bass
A great little thing by the creative team to give “Rob” Conway a more French-sounding name like Robert (pronounced Ro-bear). This probably should’ve been done when he joined the team or at least when they shifted from French to Quebecois as a gesture of a fresh start. I would have given them a ton of extra credit points if they had gone all the way and called him Robespierre. I love a good nod to history.
3. Color Commentary
I love the idea of having a wrestler give commentary on his own matches after a victory. It sells the legitimacy of the sport and gives the winner a chance to paint a story to his own work.
You’d figure that Benoit, as much as he knows about wrestling, would be the prime candidate for this treatment. You’d expect him to be able to explain all of the subtle details of his work that get missed by the cameras and commentary team (yes, it happens). Instead, Benoit gave us some dribble that was little more than a few chances to say his “I’m for real” catchphrase, which I really hate. Let Benoit explain what he is doing so we can understand how technically proficient he is, and get the guy a better catchphrase. One that doesn’t make it seem like that he isn’t for real. Prove me wrong was better than this one.
4. Daily Dose of Vitamin E
This guy is a gold mine. Put him with Coach and you have Fort Knox. The teddy bear, the criss crossing of the ropes while Eugene is at ringside, the rolling around in a ball during the match, the airplane spin (can’t get tired of that move) and the homage paid to the Rock.
First Birdstone, then the Pistons, now Eugene. You never know when greatness will strike.
5. Woulda Shoulda Coulda
From a pure wrestling standpoint, that pin attempt that Benjamin had on both Flair and Orton was awesome. I, for one, have not seen anything like it – a combination figure four and small package. So awesome was that pin attempt that you kinda think that it should’ve been the end of the match, don’t you?
Or do you? Oh well. I think it would’ve cemented Benjamin’s status as the guy that can find a way around Evolution. Instead, we got a cheap roll-up pin. Again. This used to make Randy seem sneaky, but now is starting to make him look more like a puss.
The Little Things – RAW
Hello World.
I make a practice of not reading any net opinion of a broadcast before I write my own thoughts, so I have no idea if I am eccentric and alone in this view; but, this week’s RAW ranks for me as the most uneven show of recent memory. I understand and appreciate that the WWE’s writing team is really sticking to continuity these days, trying to give each angle movement with every show, but pulling a stretcher routine on Shawn Michaels was barely compelling enough to keep me awake. The extended in-show Joe Schmo advertisement, apparently the trade-in-kind for the overrun’s great length this week, only made matters worse.
There is, however, always reason to be optimistic, and perseverence paid off this week with a marvelous second hour. If the Little Things seem heavy on late-show developments, it’s no coincidence. And besides, this week gives me cause to do what I love doing most when it comes to wrestling: blatant, unabashed and ardent Flair-Worship. The Little Things for Raw 6.14.04:
1. WWE’S Own American Idol Reject
The best thing in the first hour, and the sign of hope that kept me from snoring, was the gutsy booking of the “Flag Match.” Incidentally, I don’t remember any other flag match being contested under these rules — the only “Flag Matches” that spring to my mind are the “Capture the Flag” Matches, and I was really excited when I saw the flags above the ring, because I had images of Rosie claiming a ladder, or the Hurricane trying to levitate in order to grab the flag. And, of course, I knew one of those two things had to happen: it’s a non-title match on the US’ FLAG DAY!, so the result was kinda pre-ordained. Once JR explained to me that the match was just a tag match with a little singing at the end, I was that much more convinced that it was reflex-patriotism time.
Hip Hip Hooray for pleasantly surprising dirty finishes!! As I suggested above, I really wonder if the WWE is trying to use Grenier’s anthem singing to capitalize on the William Hung phenomenon. I know Grenier doesn’t stand a chance — but I can’t help thinking that if Nikolai Volkoff (and the Soviet Union) were still around today, his teddy bear physique might help catapult him to mainstream fame. Ah, for Fate’s fickle timing!
The Little Things simply can’t ignore, though, that Les Resistence was flying the Quebec Flag, and might have been better suited singing the Quebec provincial anthem Gens du Pays, or even La Marseillaise. This is a recurrent problem for WWF/E’s French heels, as Dino Bravo always had an identity crisis, bringing a different flag to the ring each week. Vince needs to admit he is out of his depth here and convene some sort of international summit to resolve this problem, as it is obvious that, despite its long and varied links with Canadians (and Canadiens), the Fed is deeply confused. Of course, one simple way to solve this problem is to have Grenier expand his repertoire to include French pop music. If that actually does happen, feel free to shoot me for making the suggestion.
2. She’s Having Whose Baby??
OK, so the WWE doesn’t have the greatest history with on-screen pregnancies, its legacy marred by the infamous HAND OF DOOM. I am still thrilled with news of Lita’s bundle of joy. Why? This child simply must be the offspring of Kane. The comic potential here is endless: the baby must be born already wearing a mask! It must not cry normally, but with its voice synthesized! It should growl, and inferior wrestlers should show open fear in its presence. And Kane — at first, he can play angry, threatening to eat the child, and abusing it in a suitable way. Gradually, though, his heart will be won over, like the classic stock character from the most formulaic of serials. Kane feeding a kid baby food, Kane changing diapers, Kane pushing a stroller. I don’t if any of this will happen, but it should, and the potential bonanza draws hardy applause from me.
Editor’s note: I, too, find this to be a gold mine for potential comedy. My suggestion to my brother while watching was the baby being born, setting the doctor on fire, chewing its own umbilical cord off and running out of the delivery room. Gagnon’s suggestion that the baby blow spots and create fire with its mind was also a solid one.
3. How Can One Ring Hold that Much Greatness at Once?
Jericho’s Highlight Reel was truly historic this week: Flair, Jericho, HHH, Regal, and EUGENE all in the same squared circle together!!!! This was a mark-out for me, devoutly loving four of those men as I do. Eugene’s upside down mic, his attempt at wearing a t-shirt as an overcoat, and his “autograph” (which, if you didn’t notice, was one big swirl!) were all laugh-out-loud entertainment for this moron watching at home. HHH’s photographic feint of “1-2-3-Pedigree” was another. But the Little Things’ ultimate nod of the week goes to HHH for adopting *exactly* the right mocking and patronizing tone in his voice as he led poor Eugene down the garden path. HHH has used that voice before, I know, but it has been years, honestly. I think, in fact, it was last heard whenever he tried to sweet-talk his on-screen ex-wife. At any rate, pulling it out of storage for this night was the perfect touch to a supremely funny segment.
Editor’s note: I also really liked the insincere thumbs up from Batista that the aforementioned Gagnon noticed in his Tuesday report. He should be doing a lot more of that and a lot less posing like a bodybuilder.
4. His Majesty, The Man
I was generally elated with Monday’s main event. Benoit, I think, is being pushed in exactly the right fashion, as stellar his ring-work continues to win admiration. Though he is sadly charismatically challenged, the Champ knows psychology *almost* as well as anyone, and can draw the crowd along though intense and emotionally exhausting classic wresting matches, as was the case in the elimination match. When I say Benoit is an *almost*, though, I mean it quite seriously, because he was one-upped in ring (at least in terms of the Little Things) by wrestling’s Old Man Eloquent, the Alpha and the Omega of in-ring psychology, the real Icon, and the only Immortal, Ric Flair.
When I try to explain to newer fans why Flair is God, it is often a loosing effort. The Man only ever had a standard set of about 50 moves, impressive, but hardly Luchadore-like in its blazing originality. Now that he is past his half-century mark, that working set of moves has been drastically reduced to, at most, 10 staple maneuvers. Watching Flair wrestle today, alongside spot-dramatists like Rob Van Dam or even Shane McMahon, he might seem slow and ponderous, if you don’t know how to watch his matches. Flair is great because of the Little Things, and he does those as well today as always, and better than anyone ever has or ever will.
The first set of Little Things that makes Ric Flair divine are well-known to all viewers: The Flop. The Chop. The Eye Poke. The (usually failed) Running of the Ropes. The Begging.. The Crotch Shot (and Mule Kick.) The Kneedrop. The Figure-Four. Those, and a few more, are the signature moves that Flair will still doing when he’s 90, and they are certainly subtle enough to be called Little Things. But that is just the tip of the iceberg for those of us who worship Him. Ric Flair remains the only man I know who makes every resthold interesting. When he applies the hold, follow his eyes: he always watches his opponent, usually observing the body part on which the pressure is being put. If he is the victim of the hold, he always grimaces, and usually gasps for air. He loves to play to the crowd, and does so masterfully, but never inappropriately: when the action is underway his attention is squarely on his opponent. Take, for example, my favorite Flair move, used against Edge on Monday. After tagging, Flair makes sure to trip and hold his opponent, scissoring his own feet around his adversary’s.
Even the way the Man takes blows leaves me in awe. You might think, given his fabled neck injury, that Benoit’s Rolling German Suplexes would be the end for him. Watching him take the move, though, Flair twists onto his shoulder: Not ever enough to detract from the move, but just enough for an observant watcher to notice. I love to see Flair take a backdrop, because the Man must have a magnet in his ass — he always lands exactly the same way, no matter what buffoon he’s wrestling with. It’s that sort of consistency that has allowed the Immortal One to flourish longer than any of his contemporaries (Hogan, he of the Bum Knees is finally suffering now, after years of oafish thudding about.) It is not an exercise in overstatement to say that every move he makes in the ring is purposeful; he’s a ballet dancer. And that, by the way, is another reason Flair is ageless. These Little Things that he does make sense in Sports-Entertainment World, where “smarts” watch matches knowing that they are choreographed; but, Flair’s moves are all natural and atheletic, the exact sorts of master trickery one would expect from a genuine wrestling champion (albeit a dirty one!), if wrestling were a pure contest. The Little Things endear Flair to smart and mark alike.
This paean of mine to Flair, I remind you, was inspired by what I saw in his 7 minutes of ring-time, in a six-man tag match, when he is now aged 57. It is a good thing I have no desire to do a retrospective report on WrestleWar ’89, because I could bore you with 100 pages of love for the Man. My only point is: Watch him very closely while he is the ring, because the depth of his knowledge is unsurpassed, and ever evident in numerous Little Things.
Since I think that last bit was probably a double-dose, today’s fifth Little Thing is:
The Little Things in History
Survivor Series, 1987: Hulk Hogan is an Evil Man
This show is ancient history, and I wonder how many readers out there have even heard of it, much less seen any part of it. Nonetheless, the premise of this section are the Little Things that have stood the test of time in my mind, and this one has:
Your main event of Thanksgiving Eve was a 5-on-5 Survivor Series Tag between the Hulkmaniacs and the Bad People. I believe that the Hulkmaniacs were: Hogan, Bigelow, Muraco, Patera and Orndorff; and the Baddies were Reed, Rude, OM Gang, KK Bundy, and Andre the Giant. The match itself is, particularly after all these years, of no great significance, except that it is important to realize that Hogan LOST, having been counted out thanks to some heelish double-teaming, and Andre WON, as the Sole Survivor of the first Main Event of the First Card to bear that proud name.
Now, while I am not Hogan’s greatest fan, I like him. His charisma is undeniable, and he is very funny, having providing me with many fine childhood memories. Certainly, when this match took place, I loved Hogan, as much a Hulkamaniac as any normal young fan was in those days. That said, I do agree with Jesse Ventura’s main criticism of Hogan: for a Super-Hero, the guy could be really mean. I realized this even in the old days, and this moment, was, I think, when it first dawned on me.
Andre, for years a fan favorite but now despised, stands triumphant in the ring, having won by pinning Bigelow. He is all alone, the Sole Survivor, and the crowd boos him lustily. Suddenly, the crowd roars its approval. Watching at home, it seems they might have had a change of heart about Andre, and the Big Guy sure seemed to think they had. He immediately “went face,” playing to the crowd and waving with the enormous smile that was his trademark in most of his career. He looked up into the crowd, almost as if dazed by the flood of applause, and (in the rose-colored images of my memory), I think he might have even shed a tear.
Of course, the cheers were NOT for Andre, but for Hogan, who was taking his time coming back to the ring through the crowd. Hogan ran into the ring, and attacked oblivious, smiling Andre from behind, pushing him out of the ring. Hogan then soaked up the cheers, HIS cheers, and Andre, shoulders slumped, plodded to the back.
Now, rationally, I know this was a work. Andre knew that the people were cheering Hogan, whom he knew was coming back to get his vegeance. Given that is true, Andre put on a FANTASTIC nuanced acting job worthy of Meryl Streep. He lived in the moment, and his emotion seemed genuine, genuine enough that I still pity, for this one human moment, so many years.
The other possibility, which has made me shudder quite a few times since Andre left us, is that Andre (being tired or confused) didn’t grasp what was going on, and really did think the cheers were for him. If so, I think this Little Thing is the most pathetic moment I’ve ever seen. In either case, Andre deserves credit for playing his role to the fullest, and for being worthy of those cheers in his own right.
Please send me your comments, insults, or your own Little Things in History, here
That is all from us this week. Keep the comments coming and we’ll see you next week.
Haley
