Quick Note: I’ll be pulling double duty with another full-length news column over in The Movie Zone. It’ll be up sometime today, so when you’re done here, go give it a read and hope that Joe never leaves us again. – ajc
Welcome back to The Bootleg. I hope everyone will be watching HBO’s award-winning drama Six Feet Under this Sunday. Rumors abound that the Los Angeles Lakers will be making a cameo during the first five minutes. And, let me just say:
All is right with the world.
I hate the Lakers with a flaming, bowel-obstructed passion. I was born in L.A…I was raised in L.A…and I still can’t stand the Lakers. I grew up during the NBA’s first renaissance in the 1980s, with Magic Johnson, “Big Game” James Worthy and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar leading the way to four world championships for the purple and gold yellow and I still wouldn’t tap the brakes if I saw one of ’em walking through an intersection.
Oddly enough, this perfectly irrational pile of internal bile has little to do with any of the players who’ve worn the team’s jersey. Instead, it’s the Laker fans that have driven me to the brink of barbarism heretofore only found in the stands at English soccer “friendlies” and the super-secret 411 Staff Forums.
Y’all know that stereotype of the West Coast fan, right? They come late and leave early. They’re front-running bandwagoners who only show up when the team is winning. Trust me…I’ve lived out here my entire life and the only team that applies to are your Los Angeles Lakers.
Even 100+ miles south, down here in San Diego (and if you don’t know, we’re pretty much the antithesis of LA in every way) we’re infested with the fans who bust out the Lakers’ replica jersey and short-sleeve cotton t-shirt underneath. It’s like all these white and Hispanic folk are paying some sort of sad tribute to 1985 Georgetown Patrick Ewing, without the gallons of game sweat.
And, my people are not excused either. Or didn’t you know that the whole Kobe Bryant legal drama was just another attempt by the white man to keep the Black man down?
Every “urban” mouthpiece in Southern California has played up that theory. In fact, before Kobe was actually charged with sexual assaulting Becky…or Amber…or Kaitlin or whatever her name is, all these apologists were lining up telling us that they know Kobe and he wouldn’t cheat on his wife, much less rape somebody.
Then, mere minutes after Kobe was formally charged and he admitted to adultery (which he would’ve kept lying about, if the charges never had come down), Laker fans and the Los Angeles media turned on the accuser and painted Kobe as the innocent victim.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I’m not much of an NBA fan these days. The league is a joke, absent of fundamentals with a streetball mentality that preaches style over substance. It’s a far cry from the level of play during the Magic/Bird/Jordan stretch of the 80s and 90s.
But, one thing hasn’t changed: I hate the Lakers…and so should you.
As long as you love The Goodness…
Gangsta Nation Without Reconciliation
“The New Millennium Bonnie and Clyde” are calling it quits. B-Level Hip Hop stars T-Boz (of TLC fame) and Mack 10 (of mini-me Ice Cube fame) are ending their marriage amidst claims of abuse and adultery. T-Boz has leveled these accusations against Mr. 10 and is seeking a restraining order against her estranged husband. Coincidentally, Mack 10 hasn’t come within 100 yards of a hit record in years…or have y’all already forgotten this track. There’s also a three-year-old daughter involved and both sides are seeking custody of her.
Man, this whole thing is unfolding like a ghetto Kramer vs. Kramer. My only question is who will play the role of JoBeth Williams? If you don’t remember, she played Dustin Hoffman’s post-marital love interest, Phyllis, in the movie. I still remember where I was when my impressionable eyes saw young JoBeth’s full front n’ back nude scene.
Sure, it doesn’t look like much now, but you have to remember, this was The Golden Age of film nudity. It was through hours and hours of flicks like Porky’s and Zapped! that I first learned that women really do frolic together in communal showers and engage in idle chatter while sitting topless at their lockers. More recently, Road Trip tried to teach us a similar lesson, but Tom Green is no Willie Aames.
Get Well Soon & Don’t Come Back
Theatre-goers haven’t cheered a virus this much since that lovable little Outbreak Monkey stole our hearts ten years ago. P. Diddy, who’s currently starring in a revival of the classic play A Raisin In The Sun, was sent home during a Saturday matinee performance. He made it through the first intermission before succumbing to a stomach ailment that had slowed him down throughout the previous week. His understudy replaced him and the remainder of the weekend shows went on without Diddy.
Why do producers always think they can re-cast the Black roles and nobody will notice? Oh yeah…the jig is up, m*thaf*ckas. We know those were two different Lionels during the run of The Jeffersons. And y’all really made no effort to keep the two Fresh Prince of Bel-Air mothers a secret.
But, the most shocking act of celluloid chicanery came when Omar Epps was brought in to reprise the Willie Mays Hayes role that Wesley Snipes had in the original Major League. On a related note, how in the hell did the producers of the sequel manage to find someone two shades darker than Wesley Snipes? That brutha already was his own shadow.
Where My Dogs At?
OK, kids…try’n follow along as this one’s kind of confusing. Boomer 129, a “canine clothing company” based in New York, is suing rapper DMX. It seems ol’ Earl wasn’t all that forthright about his 2002 conviction on animal cruelty charges. He was sentenced to perform community service on behalf of The Humane Society. A few months later, DMX hooked up with Boomer and a deal was struck that would have him shill for the doggie outfitter, in exchange for a $15,000 advance and future residuals.
Ah, but here’s the rub…Boomer 129 claims that DMX passed off the endorsement gig as his “community service” to police officials and pocketed the cash, which he never should’ve received under the terms of his legal agreement. In addition, Boomer claims that DMX’s animal abuse reputation has prevented them from getting their merchandise into many pet stores.
A quick search shows that Boomer 129 produces “leather jackets, sports jerseys and other clothing” for dogs. Are these people serious? I mean, outside of the obvious synergy with the entire WNBA, who is the market for crap like this? Trust me, if you’re buying clothes for your rotten mongrel your friends are going to say it’s “cute” to your face, but mercilessly mock you behind your back. Just like the time you wore that ridiculous Triple H/Game Over WWE T-shirt to homeroom.
Were they sold out of “I’m With Stupid”…?
And F*** Bill Simmons, Too
When Dropkick Murphys needed background vocals for their version of Tessie, a 1903 waltz that fans of the Boston Red Sox used to sing, who do you think they turned to? That’s right…current Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon and journeyman pitcher Bronson Arroyo. The updated song will be played before games in the hope that it’ll serve as a good luck anthem for the team, until their next cataclysmic post-season failure.
And is anyone else surprised that Curt Schilling isn’t involved in this project at all? This sounds like the perfect opportunity for that glad-handing sycophant to further saturate the landscape with his jowly mug. Y’all saw that espn.com news item that ran on their main page for about three weeks, right?
If not…last month, Schilling apparently saved millions from a drunk driver who was weaving in and out of traffic. I’m not sure if it’s still up, but ESPN’s site even had an audio clip of the 911 call, which hilariously began:
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Schilling: This is CURT SCHILLING…
The emphasis is his, not mine. Curt graciously inserted a 3-5 second pause after announcing himself to allow the operator to regain her composure and continue with the call after her brush with greatness. And I thought such delusions of grandeur were reserved for weekend news anchormen and these guys.
Own-lay…In California (California)
We try to leave politics out of The Bootleg, but there are times when the news just forces my baby-soft hand. On July 24, the Free Speech Coalition will host their annual “Night of the Stars”. This year’s honorees include liberal activist/actor Susan Sarandon, porn star Jenna Jameson and former 2 Live Crew frontman Luther “Luke” Campbell. And your co-chairpersons for this event: California Assemblyman Paul Koretz & State Senator John Vasconcellos.
In this election year, it’s good to know our civil servants have embraced a platform for the people indicative of their association with these diverse talents. In an unprecedented display of complete voter coverage, these officials can use Jenna to tap the college-age demographic…Uncle Luke reaches the streets…and Tim Robbins’ mother pulls in the coveted Wal-Mart greeters, assistant McFlurry managers and the remaining WWII veterans who live by one philosophy: “I’m old! Gimme, gimme, gimme.”
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Don’t look now, but it’s been almost 10 years since the launch of the WB Network. And continuing in the comedic tradition of The Tom Arnold Show and Cleghorne!, the WB is proud to present the third installment of The Surreal Life. And, would you look at this…Public Enemy’s own Flavor Flav has enough free time on his schedule to participate! One can only assume that everyone’s favorite generic rapper/guest star, Coolio, was too busy filming his 16th Celebrity Fear Factor spot to show up for Surreal.
For those that don’t know, The Surreal Life takes a confluence of C-level celebrities, puts ’em all under one roof and films their hilarious antics and witty bon mots 24/7. This time around, the cast includes Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey from Full House), Brigitte Nielsen (Mrs. Ivan Drago from Rocky IV), Jordan Knight (from New Kids on the Block) and Charo (La Abuela Naccional).
So, that’s what one of my columns would look like on television. And, speaking of unfunny, I’ve watched a few previous episodes and this show hasn’t done it for me. One surefire quick fix is the inclusion of surprise guest stars. For example, after a few episodes, I’m sure Coulier will have established himself as the “funny sound effects guy”.
But, what would happen if Police Academy’s Michael Winslow were introduced to the cast around episode five? Oh sure, they’d be cordial to each other, at first, but before you know it, Coulier and Winslow would be standing in front of Red Sonja asking her which is funnier: Dave’s “cut…it…out” bit or Winslow’s virtual press kit. I think we all know the answer to that one.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
We’ve got a new feature as we debut Blaster & Soundwave. These are the elements of the hottest mixtapes bumpin’ through the streets of Cybertron.
This week Aaron and I thought we’d transform into hip-hop DJs and let y’all know what current hip-hop singles that should be burnin’ up your CD players. We even have the gall to give ratings. East and West, black and white, together on this collabo…
1. Lloyd Banks f/ Eminem, 50 Cent and Nate Dogg-Warrior Remix
Although “On Fire” is the one burning up the radio, the remix to Warrior is just as hot if not better. The original version of the song was off the charts, too but this is a total re-working not just the same beat with new verses. Guest appearances don’t take away from Banks, either. And by now, you know our recipe for success…just add Nate Dogg. So that’s three hot songs already. His album should be guaranteed goodness. *****
2. Nas-Thief’s Theme
Nas’ new album Street Disciple, isn’t set to drop for a minute but he’s giving the streets a taste with this one. I worry when the title and hook quote the artist themselves, but since it’s from Illmatic, he gets a pass. The production goes with a bizarre sample of 1960s fossil Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. It actually works for Nasir Jones, almost as well as it did for Reverend Lovejoy’s organ player from the Simpsons. ****
3. Young Buck-Let Me In
The G-Unit soldiers are everywhere. Young Buck, who I thought had the worst chance of being a successful solo act, drops his first solo cut since joining Shady records. It must be said, he holds his own well with 50 dropping by only on the intro. This easily is a club banger that should last throughout the summer of 04′. *** 1/2
4. Jadakiss-Why
Well, at last Jada dropped his first song about something. That’s been the knock on him for while but fortunately this song doesn’t come off forced at all. It should be the track that finally gets him the mainstream success he deserves. However, it’s all up to what the radio and MTV losers decide to play. ****
5. Fat Joe f/ Remy Martin- Lean Back
Never been a huge fan of Joey Crack but he delivers another bona fide summer club song to last you through a vodka or two at the bar. Take it for what it is. The beat is crazy. ***
6. Choosin’ – Too $hort feat. Jagged Edge
The return of the original pimp, with an assist from Jazze Phe on the beat. It’s an obvious nod to the radio, but damned if the formula ain’t effective. Nothing you haven’t heard before, just a nice, welcome reprieve from anything “crunk”. ***
7. 213 – Dolla Dolla Bill
This one’s been blowin’ up the playlists out west. Nate, Snoop and Warren G. put their chemistry on display on a cut that defines the concept of ‘the whole being better than the sum of their parts’. Smoothed out beat and an effective “stuttering” hook only add to the final product. ****
8. Jadakiss feat. Snoop Dogg & DJ Quik – Shine
No one seems to be sure if this one’s gonna make the final cut for Jada’s album due to drop next week. It’s got a decent Quik beat and some strong lyrical work from everyone on it. Straight off the west coast assembly line, but still worth a listen. ***
9. Kurupt feat. Roscoe & M.O.P. – Jealousy
The beat is ridiculously hot and Kurupt spits heat in the first verse, but he’s really gotta get out of that annoying habit of rhyming words like “muthaf*cka” with “muthaf*cka”. ***
10. Big Hutch – Ride Like A Gangsta
Veteran Above the Law alumnus Big Hutch is still making moves on the independent scene. While the subject matter is warmed over, his dialed down delivery and the melodic hook seem to turn back the clock to G-Funk’s salad days. ***1/2
General Haberdashery
It’s been a lean week here amongst the Music Zone news columnists with fewer new episodes than the entire runs of South Park and Ren & Stimpy combined. Am I going to have to venture out into other Zones to fill my linkage quota?
Mathan Erhardt fills in for Tha Messiah this week. He brings a loaded baked potato of news chock full of cheddar-jack cheese, bacon bits, sour cream and “50 Cent looks like” gags.
Canadian T blows his deadline by a little under 72 hours, but has a Reagan post-mortem and news on the “Bitch Queen of MTV”. And he don’t mean Kennedy.
Melchor takes issue…with The Bootleg? And, the 411 Music Staffer of the Year for 2003? Oh, it’s on. I’d bring it on, but it’s already been brought’n.
Junk Mail
When it comes to feedback, I let the readers dictate what gets posted. Generally, whatever is the “hot topic” of the bulk of the emails gets top billing. And, with that in mind…I think it’s safe to say that Ralph Wiley picked a bad week to die.
I just read that Ralph Wiley died and the first thing I thought about was how you guys had him on your MFWNTAK list the week before. Awkward, huh? Two questions: has the hate mail been pouring in and, in all seriousness, what was it that you didn’t like about his writing? – Craig
Yeah, the hate mail is outnumbering the “hey, wasn’t that wacky” mail by a pretty good margin. Awkward? Sure, and a little surprising since The Bootleg isn’t exactly an objective bastion of news and information. Ralph Wiley was a fine writer who didn’t always connect with me. When he did, like in this piece on my all-time favorite athlete, he was brilliant.
Unlike the majority of internet writers, some of whom you’ll find not too far from my URL, he didn’t just write for empty shock value or to entertain his two dozen buddies on another message board. There was a purpose with his words and intent with every sentence he wrote. And, he’ll be missed.
Speaking of the dearly departed…the second most discussed topic amongst y’all this week involved last week’s line about “the late Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway”:
I was reading your latest column and the line – “the late Anfernee “Penny” Hardaway in Blue Chips” jumped out at me. First thing I did was google to see if he had passed on, since I am a big fan of his and hadn’t heard a word about it. He is alive and well… overpaid sure, half the player he was sure, but not dead.
I can only assume you were either referring to the ‘death’ of his usefulness due to his many injuries. Either that or it was a big boo boo. I’m sure others will mention this to ya, so I thought I’d keep it short. – Kris
And others did mention it to me…many not nearly as politely as m’man Kris:
F*ck you for saying Penny was dead. He’s not dead and he’s still playing in the NBA. It’s not cool to joke about life and death like that and karma is going to kill you if you keep that sh#t up. – Alex
“Karma is going to kill you”? I thought karma was some intangible essence or aura. Unless, it’s like that movie The Fog and just floats around killing folks regardless of their guilt or innocence. Wait, that’s the Texas State Supreme Court. I always get those two confused.
Life With Baby Bootleg
We’ll return to the adventures of Baby Bootleg next week, with a report on what “he” bought me for Father’s Day. I’d just like the record to show that my son “bought” his mother an afternoon at a local day spa for Mrs. Bootleg and a friend.
Total Retail Value: $650.00
If history is any indication, my gift won’t be in the same zip code. A couple of years ago, Hallmark (or some other nefarious outfit) made up this new rule that a husband and wife must buy each other a wedding gift.
From the Husband: Platinum and diamond earrings.
From the Wife: Playstation 2 with Triple Play 2002 game.
Sure, I was able to trade Rickey Henderson back to the A’s in exchange for Adam Piatt and pick up Simpsons Road Rage a few weeks later, but I still think I got the short end of that stick. Let’s just say, I don’t think I need to put my copy of Namco Museum 2 under lock and key.
Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week
“What’d they say about the cat?” – Monday, June 14
Two weeks ago, I took Whiskers the family cat in for surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from his nose. The whole process was exceedingly traumatic…on my wallet, but our cat came home a few days later without his nose and cancer-free.
Last Monday, I took him in for a follow-up, where it was determined that he was healing quite nicely and his stitches could come out in another week. Then, they mentioned his thyroid. Apparently on the “normal” scale of 10-50, his thyroid sized out at around 86.
The vet prescribed some pills that he’ll need to take for the rest of his 9 lives, three times a day, in order to keep his thyroid in check. I had previously heard that thyroid disease was one of the leading causes of death in cats over the age of 12. What I hadn’t heard was how much a 30-day supply of these meds actually cost.
$100.
I was preparing my speech on the merits of “Kitty Heaven” to Whiskers, when the wife just shrugged and suggested we bite the bullet. This would be a fine idea…if we could f*ckin’ afford one.
And, don’t forget…me and Nick can also be seen on the marquee of 411 Movies this week. It’s like Ghostbusters, except this time the brutha gets all the good lines.
This joke is deader than Showtime. Just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
