The Friday Movie News Happy Hour 06.18.04

We sorta like Vincent and Jules for 2004
Invadin’ 411 Movies, son, it ain’t safe no more
– Nick’a From The Bootleg

And, so it ends. Welcome back to The Bootleg The Happy Hour! So, here’s the deal…a couple of weeks ago, Joe asked me to step in for him, as he knew he’d be out of town this week and couldn’t stomach the possibility of Scott Rutherford headlining the Movie Zone News for all that time.

(Sorry, Scott, those were Joe’s words not mine…I find your bawdy former English Penal Colony wit to be both randy and dandy.)

I was more than happy to oblige as Joe is not only one of my favorite writers on this site, but also shares my love for obscure pop culture references and Duke Phillips quotes. And for those of you reading this, expecting a complete and utter Duketastrophy, I promise that I’ll try to make this one-week guest host gig as seamless as possible.

Think of me as the Bernie Mac to Joe’s Bill Murray as “Bosley” in the Charlie’s Angels movies. Admittedly, that’s setting the bar pretty high, but I’m still confident in saying that if you liked Charlie’s Angels, you’re gonna love me, too!

But, I don’t want to overstep my bounds. This is still Joe Reid’s column and while his handpicked choice for a replacement columnist shows his obvious disdain for you, his loyal fanbase, I thought it would be a nice gesture to invite Joe back for a cameo in his own column.

And, there’s no better way to do this than with yet another trip into our own He-Man Woman Haters’ Club b/k/a The 411 Staff Forums!

This week’s topic: An Impromptu Roundtable Discussion on Denzel Washington’s Best Actor Oscar® for Training Day…

BillDoughty: I always kinda thought that Denzel’s Best Actor Oscar was more of a “We’ve Been Wanting to Honor You With This For Years, So Now’s As Good A Time As Any” award than specifically for Training Day.

Gags: Or “You should have won last year for Hurricane so here’s your f*cking Oscar”. Kinda like what happened with Russell Crowe (he was 1000 times better in “The Insider” than in “Gladiator”). All in all, I think (Denzel) deserved it. He was terrific in the role.

Joe Reid: Actually, I like to think it was a “we’ve owed you this since ’92, but we were sorta busy making it up to Al Pacino that year for (the) time in ’74 when we all went retarded and gave Art Carney an Oscar.”

Wrestling Deacon: First off, the Oscars didn’t feel like they owed Denzel. He won best supporting actor in 1989 for Glory. What they did feel that year was the increased heat of supposed discrimination. So they shut the media up by giving two African Americans the top two acting awards. So it was more, “You’re the only black guy we know other than Sidney Poiter and he hasn’t done anything this year.”

Second off, Al Pacino said that he didn’t want the Oscar in 1974 and the Academy was scared of another Brando/Scott debacle. Carney was the only safe choice. They knew he would accept it and wouldn’t give an inflammatory speech.

Joe Reid: Yeah but by 1992, no one remembered that Pacino said he didn’t want the award. They remembered that he had never won an Oscar before, and that he was “due.” And, circumstance or not, Art Carney winning that award against the competition he faced looks embarrassing in hindsight.

And one of the prevailing sentiments in 2001 was that Denzel WAS owed. I remember, it wasn’t that long ago. The Supporting Actor award for Glory felt ancient and also not befitting his leading man status. People said he got screwed for The Hurricane (he didn’t, but that was the feeling) and for Malcolm X, and he was due a Best Actor trophy.

The “Year of the Black Actor” thing didn’t pop up until later on, with the realization that Poitier would be awarded that night and that Halle Berry had a shot at winning and it would all make a seemingly powerful statement.

So, who’s right, who’s wrong and who’s just plain nuts? Well, if this were a cheap knockoff of ESPN’s Around the Horn, I’d award the most points to Joe. With an extra nod to his mention of the larcenous decision to award the nekkid gold trophy to Pacino in ’92 over Washington’s infinitely more deserving turn as Malcolm X.

I’ve never bought the “Affirmative Action” excuse for Denzel’s and Halle’s wins and there’s no such phrase as “second off”, so (sigh) “Wrestling Deacon” finishes a distant third in this debate. Hey, what can I say…Gags had me in his column a few weeks ago.

What do you think? Email Joe and join the debate, won’t you? Hell, he might even tell you how you could earn your college degree without ever setting foot in a classroom.

And now, our feature presentation…

Not to be Confused with Mudlick, Kentucky

Lasse Halstrom is in negotiations with Universal Pictures to direct Tom Hanks and Julianne Moore in the Western, Boone’s Lick. Moore will portray the family matriarch who loads the kids into the wood-paneled covered wagon and treks across the plains from Missouri to Wyoming, where her husband is stationed. Hanks will play the brother of Moore’s husband, who’ll be escorting the family on their trek. The early buzz has compared this movie to Lonesome Dove, which might get me interested if they could somehow find a way to get Bret Hart a role in it.

Ah, who am I kidding…the whole “wrestlers as actors” concept began and ended with Mr. Fuji and Don Muraco in Fuji Vice. Wait a minute…I take that back, as I forgot all about Body Slam. Roddy Piper and Tama in their breakthrough performances as Quick Rick Roberts and Tonga Tom garnered all the press, but it was Dirk Benedict’s turn as “Harry Smilac” that solidified his third-place ranking in the “post A-Team success” of the original cast.

In case you missed last week’s People, here it is: 1.) Dwight “Murdock” Schultz (a few cameos on Star Trek: TNG and a lifetime of sci-fi convention appearances, as a result) 2.) George Peppard (died) 3.) Dirk Benedict 4.) Mr. T (1-800-COLLECT & Busta Rhymes’ Pass The Courvosier video)

Batman Begins…Again…For The First Time…Again

Has anyone else noticed that it’s been nearly an hour since 411’s last update on Batman Begins? Well, the word from behind the desk of Comic Book Guy is that Warner Bros is determined to get a one minute teaser trailer in theaters within a couple of weeks. They’re optimistically shooting for the premiere of Spider-Man 2 on June 30, but have a stretch goal for the debut of I, Robot on July 16 or Catwoman on July 30.

Isn’t it funny how WB’s milestones seem to gradually fall off in terms of expected movie goodness? The whole world knows that Spidey is gonna bring it, but are audiences ready to embrace Will Smith as a summertime leading man again in I, Robot? Most of us haven’t forgotten Wild Wild West or Bad Boys 2…so much so, that even DJ Jazzy Jeff wasn’t returning Smith’s phone calls last year.

As for Catwoman…well, let’s just say that m’girl Halle has the potential to set a new standard for “worst subsequent movie role ever taken by an Oscar® winner”. The current keepers of that crown are Robert DeNiro for Analyze That and Nicolas Cage for Everything He’s Done Since Leaving Las Vegas.

86 Glorious Years & Counting

Has Ben Affleck been bounced as Paramount’s “Jack Ryan”? Well, it all depends on who you ask. Affleck points to his contract for at least one more turn in the role and the studio’s desire to sign on for two more Tom Clancy adaptations after that. Critics, however, have been quick to mention Affleck’s declining box office luster, which reached its nadir with Gigli and hasn’t had much help from box office takes of Paycheck or Jersey Girl.

Personally, I think the public’s patience for the former Mr. Lopez ended around the time that he became the de facto spokesman for Red Sox Nation. For you non-baseball lovers, the Red Sox’ fan base is comprised of thousands and thousands of woe-is-me welfare pockets throughout the country. They’ve embraced a century of losing as if there were some romantic element to it and criticize the Yankees’ free-spending ways, despite the Sox having the second highest payroll in baseball.

Or, maybe it was Daredevil…yeah, that’s why America hates Affleck…definitely Daredevil.

Two All Beef Patties Will Bring You To Your Knees…

The controversy over Morgan Spurlock’s Super Size Me documentary knows no bounds…or borders. The film has reached the shores of Australia and during its opening weekend it earned close to a quarter million dollars on just 26 screens. McDonald’s, who comes off as the deep-fried bad guys in the flick, has decided to take a much more aggressive defense with their franchises down under.

Guy Russo, Mickey D’s chief executive in Australia, has taken to the airwaves to defend the fast food behemoth (known as “Macca’s” in the language of the didgeridoo). Not surprisingly, the commercials ain’t much of a defense as Russo plays the “our crap wasn’t meant to be eaten at every meal” card.

Actually, I’m being too harsh. It’s just that after years and years of my own fast food existence, I’ve gotten tired of getting jerked around by their ever-changing menus. Why can I only get the barbecue-flavored processed pork of the McRib for six weeks a year? Why weren’t the Arch Deluxeand McDLT given more time to entrench themselves in both the burger landscape and my colon.

And why was Mayor McCheese banished from Ronald McDonald Land, yet the thieving Hamburglar had his sentence commuted?

Ask Him If I Can Get My $9 Back for Unbreakable

Last year, the Sci-Fi Network struck a deal with director M. Night Shyamalan to film a documentary covering Shyamalan’s work on his latest film The Village. A few months later, the eccentric director abruptly ceased his participation with the Sci-Fi documentary crew right in the middle of filming. These surprising events have not slowed down the basement dwellers of Sci-Fi, though. In fact, one might say they’ve taken yellow, chalky powder and made Country Time Lemonade.

On July 18th, the network will air The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan. The scope of the project has changed from a glorified movie-promoting puff piece, into a reported exposé on Shyamalan, himself. Sci-Fi dug up friends and former associates and it’s believed the probing and personal questions by the documentary crew is what led to M’s little hissy fit.

Hey, does anyone know if Sci-Fi still shows reruns of The Flash? In the post-Batman/comic book speculation hysteria of 1990, I still believe that show could’ve succeeded with a better time slot. One thing they didn’t need to improve upon was Amanda Pays as The Flash’s love interest. I’m sure that publicity photo is a little dated, though, considering she’s just a few years younger than my mother.

And, whaddaya know…Amanda is married to Corbin Bernsen. Honestly, one of the highlights of my first few months as a father was the Friday night/Saturday morning back-to-back HBO presentations of Bernsen in The Dentist and Denise Richards in Valentine during a late night feeding/holding session.

Remember, son: if the bitches disrespect you, don’t get mad…just pull all their teeth n’ cut their tongue out. Classic.

Since it Looks Like There’ll Never Be a Mr. Baseball 2

Admittedly, baseball has had a rather checkered history on the big screen. Eight Men Out…a classic. Field of Dreams…maudlin, idealistic pap. Major League…fun for what it is. Bull Durham and A League of Their Own…horrible baseball scenes n’ plots that play better as chick flicks.

So, what’s the solution…? Why not put the ballplayers behind the cameras?

New York Met Todd Zeile created Green Diamond Entertainment and has received financial support from a handful of his peers. The list includes Jason & Jeremy Giambi, Cliff Floyd, Mike Piazza, Al Leiter and Tom Glavine.

Their goal is to privately raise $50 million over the next twelve months to serve as seed money for the fledgling entertainment company. Their first project is tentatively titled Dirty Deeds and follows in the recent rebirth of the high school sex comedy.

And with the on-field experience of these world-class athletes, I have no doubt that Dirty Deeds will stink…of authenticity. The scenes with recreational drug use between periods…calling Jeremy Giambi to the set. Need a template for the generic “stuffy teacher”…how ’bout a Glavine interview. The girl playing the resident bulimic can be advised by Jason Giambi, while the token gay kid can be coached by Brady Anderson.

Remember…Piazza’s not gay. He called a press conference to say so.

Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi

I don’t have to explain Nick’s movie qualifications to y’all, do I? Did you miss his critically acclaimed piece that wove quotes from A Few Good Men with the 10 Hottest Women in the World? What about his published review of Brian Dennehy as Bobby Knight…? Over two years in the making…Nick gives you:

Monkey Movies.

Why does Hollywood seem to churn them out as if they were rolling off an assembly line? Because monkeys SELL! How many companies try to sell their product using these lovable primates in commercials? And am I more willing to buy a certain brand of cereal because a monkey eats it? Is anyone?

Simply, yes.

From King Kong to MVP 2 (Most Vertical Primate), monkey movies have been a staple in American film and television. A recurring theme dominates these movies, sitcoms and as already mentioned, commercials. That theme is “monkeys doing human things”.

I find this hilarious.

Not so much the sight of, say a chimpanzee in a policeman’s uniform directing traffic, but hilarious that movie producers far and wide think people will pay their hard-earned scratch to watch these acts. Well, SOMEBODY is paying to see this crap, because these movies seem to take up numerous coveted spots on the Blockbuster shelves.

That’s why I’d like to point to a two-year span that I like to call the “Golden Age of Monkey Movies” (Circa 1995-1996). A non-stop barrage of monkey movies culminating with a TV show in 1999 called Chimp Channel TV Show, which consisted entirely of the aforementioned “monkeys doing human things” skits, complete with human voice-overs. At one point during this stretch, I documented three companies simultaneously running monkey commercials during that time: HBO, Nintendo and Chiquita.

Check the stats folks, it happened.

In honor of the “Golden Age”, I would like to point to three motion pictures during this time period: Congo (1995), Ed (1996) and Dunston Checks In (1996). Three very different types of movies, proving the monkey movie audience is diverse and will NOT settle for one stereotypical genre of primate.

Congo: What could be scarier that red-eyed white-furred monkeys who have been trained to kill anyone who tries to take the precious diamonds they guard in Africa? Along the way we are treated to a “good” animatronic monkey named Amy who knows sign language (perhaps by watching Project X) and has a slightly alarming relationship with her trainer.

Unintentionally, this movie becomes comedic when it becomes possible that these monkeys may be shooting laser beams at the diamond hunters. Just awful, but a brilliant kind of awful. I’ll be damned if after watching it you don’t go around imitating Amy’s digitally transformed monkey-voice: “Bad Gorilla!”

Ed: Hoping to capitalize on Matt LeBlanc’s “Friends” success, we were blessed with this classic sports drama. The producer who gave the green light on this one may have been in a Keith-Richards-like drug-induced altered state of being. I’m not even going to try and sugarcoat this one. It’s one of those movies that when you see the commercial or preview in the theater, it’s so bad you somehow feel personally embarrassed.

Most likely you are feeling embarrassed for the people behind the movie, because clearly they were not. Plot? How about this: monkey playing baseball. Not even a REAL monkey playing baseball. Another animatronic beast.

Doesn’t this movie ironically seem like a role LeBlanc’s character Joey, the struggling actor would get stuck with in an episode of “Friends”? A little art imitating art, imitating life? Has that ever been done? I hope they make LeBlanc watch this movie every time he picks up a check from NBC.

Dunston Checks In: Picture this: Orangutan wreaks havoc in a hotel while hotel manager Jason Alexander tries to keep things under control from evil hotel owner Faye Dunaway. That’s right Jason Alexander and Faye Dunaway. What is it with these “must-see TV” actors and monkey movies?

Arguably in 1996 both Seinfeld and Friends were at their peak in popularity. How pissed were Alexander and LeBlanc that these atrocities came out while their careers were in full swing? (Note: Alexander would probably kill for a part in a monkey movie now.)

Regardless, one of the best genre-within-a-genre events takes place in this movie. That event would of course be “monkeys doing human things”, but more specifically a monkey dressing up in women’s clothing. So unfunny that it’s…uh, still not funny.

There’s a climactic ballroom scene complete with our protagonist Dunston swinging from a chandelier and the evil hotel owner, Dunaway, falling into a giant cake. I wonder if the actors even talked to each other on the set, or speak of that movie in public?

In closing, I feel these three movies best represent the boom within the monkey-movie industry during the mid-90s. While we may never see heights like that again, interest in monkeys still continued at the turn of the century, with Mighty Joe Young and the re-made Planet of the Apes. Other more recent examples build on the new “monkeys playing sports” gold mine that Ed started, include MVP (Most Valuable Primate) and MVP 2 that feature chimps playing hockey and skateboarding, respectively.

Unfortunately, it looks like Air Bud may have slam-dunked these guys out of the competition, which makes it incomprehensible that they ever saw the light of day. Straight to video is no less shameful than a full-fledged, red carpet theater release.

Like them or not, monkey movies are here to stay. And you will watch them.

Wanton Product Placement

Wow. This section is a lot easier over in the Music Zone where we have more than two daily news writers. And whatever happened to that Tim C. guy? He pretty much was 411 Movies for a while, with three columns a week….then two…then one…then none.

Kinda reminds you of The Weakest Link during its run on NBC, doesn’t it? And, speaking of which:

Joe Reid has to get linked in his own column, right?

Ziegler dissects Colin Ferrell and is willing to forgive him for S.W.A.T.

Keefer hands out a perfect ’10’ for “the best DVD of 2004”. You know you wanna click.

The 9 Rules of Black Cinema

As an African-American, I’ve sat through my fair share of “Black Movies”. It’s actually a requirement for us to support these films in the hope that Woo 2 and More B.A.P.S. might someday become a reality.

So, with that in mind…here’s your handy guide for the rules of Black Cinema:

#1: Black Movies must be released with an awful soundtrack. And every one of them must include no less than six tracks by a generic R&B girl group with a name like Blaq2Front or Soultré.

#2: Gastrointestinal problems and bowel movements are actually pretty funny when they’re loudly over exaggerated. Or didn’t you hear anyone laughing during Soul Plane?

#3: There must be one ostracized brutha who has left his strong Black woman…for a white girl. The audience must throw popcorn at the screen whenever he’s on camera.

#4: Someone must be cast for the sole purpose of screaming all of their dialogue at the top of their lungs. And when Mo’Nique and Anthony Anderson are in the same movie…watch out.

#5: The hottest, most desirable women have to be light-skinned sistas, Latinas or of mixed heritage. Again, White women and Lady Amistad need not apply.

#6: The white people have to prove themselves. Lately, this has meant banging a drum or cutting hair. Remember, they are not truly “down”…until they’re down with the brown.

#7: There must be a reference to a famous African-American that everyone in Black community is tired of being associated with. Current favorites include Rodney King, O.J. Simpson, Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson…with R. Kelly gaining fast.

#8: The clothing, car, hair or accessory style is anywhere from 1-2 years out of style from the day of the release date. The most egregious examples included Tupac in Juice, Ice Cube in Higher Learning or Kid n’ Play in House Party 1-15

#9: It must have a part for Tamala Jones.

The Hard Climax

Well, that about wraps it up, kids. If you’ve read this long, you deserve to be rewarded with a little something I call…”The Best of Joe Reid”. Have a great weekend and go read The Bootleg.

“And speaking of predictions…last week, in this very space, our Friday Movie Guy boldly predicted that the Kansas City Chiefs would suffer their first loss at the hands of his Buffalo Bills. 38 points later, KC was still undefeated.” – 411’s Bootleg, 10/31/03.