To treat your adversary with respect is to give him an advantage to which he is not entitled. – Dr. Samuel Johnson
Oh, God, don’t ask. I’ll go through my travails more tomorrow in Black, since I already started that column last week thinking that I’d have a chance to do it, which I didn’t due to total and complete exhaustion. Lest it be said, this is being written from Kansas. I purposely brought my computer desk up here over the weekend in the Damn Vaninator in order to do this column not lying on my stomach trying to type (tight fit, but I did it). The sacrifices I make for you, you ungrateful little bitches. And I know that someone’s going to write in gloating about the fact that Colin Pigeau and I both picked Spain to win Euro 2004. Just remember this: I mentioned Ralph Wiley a couple weeks ago, and he’s dead now. I’ve got the POW-AH!
I’ve fallen behind on wrestling. No Raw last week (cheap motel cable), Smackdown and Wednesday Night Slapnuts on my hard drive as yet unwatched (and since deleted due to lack of timely info and lack of time), and lack of Impact due to the fact that I was motoring back to Lincoln on Friday (the Damn Vaninator is about to call for a strike, I think). I have no f*cking idea what’s going on when it comes to that. Thank God that Gagnon does, and he was able to cover for me last week. However, I really didn’t care. And everyone knows why not: it was a major weekend. So guess what gets talked about first…
AS THE GOOSE FLIES
Well, that was an…interesting final round of the US Open. Apparently Shinnecock’s been renamed “Carnoustie West” when we weren’t looking. Man, when Boring Ol’ Ernie shoots an 80 in the final round of a major, something’s seriously f*cked up. Two golfers under par for the entire tournament? Yeah, I can see that from a US Open. That’s the way it used to be pre-Tigger. But nobody shooting under par in the final round? 28 of the world’s best pros not able to break 80? That’s weird, and someone at the USGA is going to take the gas pipe for this. Players are already heavily bitching about the conditions, especially on Sunday when the 7th green had to be watered between each group.
But at least there was a little drama while everyone was tripping over themselves, what with Lefty and his Flex-like crowd-attracting capability. When Lefty entered the 17th tied with the Goose, everyone was in anticipation of another eighteen on Monday to decide it. But then Lefty became the pre-Masters Lefty and choked the life out of himself, his game, the crowd, and the TV audience. Aw, tough shit. Goddamn, I am seriously getting to hate Phil Mickleson with a passion. Yeah, it’s good for the game to have someone other than Tigger to cheer for, but him? He’s won one major in 48 tries. That, to me, spells “loser”. And three-putting from five feet, even on those greens, really spells “loser”. That’s how he pissed the tournament away on 17 on Sunday. He’s the Kane of golf, people, only without the whole Lita/pregnancy thing.
And now Goose has as many US Open victories as his compatriot Boring Ol’ Ernie. Goose gets absolutely no f*cking respect from anyone, especially the Sunday crowd at Shinnecock, who were so hoarse from cheering for Lefty only to watch him collapse like the rest of the field that they had nothing left to honor a very hard-fought victory. The guy came into the tournament ranked ninth in the world. Only eight guys in the goddamn world are better than he is at this game, people. There’s Tigger, who blew up with a 76 on Sunday and only got that because he finished eagle-birdie. Boring Ol’ Ernie’s next, and we already discussed his 80. Veej didn’t do very much better. Davis missed the cut. Lefty’s next on that list (choker). Weir started his Sunday with three straight bogeys (maybe CKOne had a point…oh, bullshit, I was right; the guy tied for fourth, and if that’s a slump, my name’s Sean Shannon). Harrington had a weekend-long freefall. Furyk’s coming off surgery, but still made the cut and had a decent tourney under the circumstances. That’s it. Those are all the people above the Goose on the rankings list. And the guy right behind Goose, Sergio, also had an 80 on Sunday.
Give the guy his propers. He survived the f*cking Bataan Death March on Saturday and Sunday and came away with the big one. Just because we only see him during majors and the biggest of events doesn’t mean that he isn’t there. He’s a great golfer who just happens to be saddled with a weird name because he’s Afrikaner, so we’re not going to embrace him. Embrace this, bitches: he pulled away a mil and a eighth on Sunday. That’s enough to earn even Fleabag’s respect.
AND IF I’M BACK, SO ARE THE ANTI-SPYWARE NOTICES
But, first, a notice from the world of spam. While I was away, Scott Richter, the Scum of the Known Universe, got his pee-pee spanked by Hormel for attempting to sell his “Spam King” clothing line. I may hate Hormel for not hiring me when they had the chance, but I absolutely loathe Richter, so Kudos go to the guys in Wife-Beater, Minnesota…actually, I shouldn’t say that because it might amount to a conflict of interest on my part. God knows that anything else I do does. Shit, if Fleabag owns a pissload of Tyson stock, I think it counts as a conflict of interest on my part.
But on to the normal notice…
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter here at 411. So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information.
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on this site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here. It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke twelve hundred different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I’ve resisted putting it here because of a couple things: 1) The MS JVM was removed in XP SP1a due to the Sun court case and replaced with a Sun JVM, and I’m not sure how many people have actually patched. 2) The link above is an automatic download, and that does scare some people. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe. I wouldn’t have put it here if it wasn’t. But I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
I’m going to add another program here. It’s a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” (definitely run that one, since they just put in another database update in the last couple days) and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status on Monday and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for this symbol:
<IMG height=60 src=”http://maddoktor2.com/images/asap.gif” width=468>
and you can be sure you’re getting the help you need.
DITTO THE PIMP SECTION
Nute wants to smash your jaw. And just for fun, I’ll let him do it.
Hazard expresses some of the futility I’ve felt for years.
Napier should get slapped for spelling “Invasion” with that moronic upper-case V. Plus he actually wanted Big Sump Pump to show up.
It’s the collective entity that provides you with all your WWE B-Show needs: Fried, Obal, and Campbell, David Variant.
Next week, on Pay-Per-View, it’ll be Csonka versus Huckaby in the grudge match of a lifetime, because it’s too good for a ten-minute match on free TV. Or whatever Fox Sports is.
Memo to Bradford: it all depends which farm animal and what you do with it. Trust me on that one.
Urciuolo talks about not being able to get rid of your overpriced baseball busts after the calendar turns to August.
Mi hermano de casa Fernandez would be happy to note that mullets seem to be at a relative minimum here in Kansas, especially compared to Iowa. Yeah, they’re all around, but not omnipresent. And, Coogs, in case you’re wondering about the beat of “Brilliant Disguise”, study your history. It’s the standard Noo Yawk studio beat of the early 60s, as exemplified by Lieber and Stoller’s work for the Drifters. It’s an Afro-Cuban beat called baion. The song’s a tribute to the music of that era, especially the Drifters and Gene Pitney. It almost made my Jukebox list, as a matter of fact.
And speaking of Coogs…
I didn’t like Presiloski‘s juxtaposition of the terms “40-year-old” and “f*ckwit”. That’s hitting a little too close to home there, you know.
Melchor and I are both excited about the prospect of the original lineup of Duran Duran releasing a new CD.
Hayhurst doesn’t need to byline his columns “Alan Smithee”.
Laflin knows the perfect Christmas present for me.
Lucard regurgitates his in-box for our benefit.
Kappauff has never included me in his strip, despite my godlike status, but that interview with JR Squared deserves a pimp. He’s always been a fave of mine.
Morrison knocks out some quickie reviews of new releases in the four-color arena.
And, finally, JJ! And more JJ! And even more JJ!
IS THERE ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT?
I just went through my first day on the killfloor here, and I’m tired (not to mentioned a little bummed because the muscle memory is being very persnickety about coming back quickly). So it’ll be quickies if anything. Hell, it’s good enough for Ashish.
A wrestler calling himself Victor died of a massive heart attack following a match in Puerto Rico on Sunday. I’m sorry if you know him or was a fan of him, but, honestly, I’d never heard of the guy, so it’s difficult to muster any sympathy. In fact, I’d wager that anyone not from Puerto Rico or anywhere that the IWA is dominant has ever heard of the guy. This was reported to everyone by Da Meltz, proving again that he wants to be the NYT of wrestling. No news is unimportant enough for him to print, as long as it’s news. For what it’s worth, my regrets go out to his fans, his family, and the IWA on their loss.
Marty Janetty has apparently accepted Jesus as his personal savior and was baptized over the weekend, a majestic event attended by the two most famous holy-roller Christians in wrestling, Sting and a certain ex-tag partner of Janetty’s. According to Voice of Wrestling, Janetty said that he was feeling suicidal and ready to bump himself off, when out of the blue came a call from Shawn Michaels. Michaels apparently had been thinking about Jannetty since Curt Hennig’s funeral last year, and had finally tracked him down. Janetty was easy prey for the Message and apparently succumbed. Now if they did the baptism as a wrestling moment, I would have definitely loved to have attended. There’s Janetty, waiting at the total immersion pool, ready to be dunked, when, suddenly…”thunkthunkthunkthunk Oh, oh, SHAWN…”, out saunters Michaels in a mirrored cassock, flexing and posing for the crowd as his pyro goes off. Janetty and the officiant stand there in shock as Michaels pulls out a microphone and cuts a promo about how the officiant doesn’t know God or Janetty like he does, and that the only way that this baptism should take place is if it’s Soul In A Cell. The shocked reverend then turns around, and finds himself face-to-face with Sting, in full Crow gear with a baseball bat. The rev takes a bat to the stomach, falling into the pool, splashing Janetty and distracting him, while Michaels runs to the pool. One Sweet Chin Music later, and Janetty’s face-up in the pool with Michaels’ hand on his head. Michaels is screaming, “Remember all the cocaine that we did together! Remember all the women we did together! All of that was the work of Satan! Or it might have been the Undertaker depending on what gimmick he had at the time! Repudiate them! Repudiate the works of Satan, and then when we get Borden on contract, you can come in as enhancement talent! Or a road agent! You’ll love being a road agent!”…oh, dear God, I’ve just made fun of a religious ceremony and a transcendant moment that Janetty claims saved his life. I have zero shame, don’t I?
And speaking of reunions, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash will do the reunion thing in Hawaii at an HCW card on July 21st, according to 1bullshit Junior. This sounds like a damn good card. I don’t know who promotes HCW, but it looks like Afa or Sika are involved given the presence of Rikishi, Rosey, and the former Jamal. The whole Hawaiian/Japanese connection is in force as well given the appearance of TAKA on the card, among others. We also get native Hawaiian Brian Adams, making a rare appearance, as well as D’Lo Brown and Kaz Hayashi…it’s almost worth a vacation to Hawaii in the middle of the tourist season to see. TNA would kill for this card, I think.
Anything else? No, not really. So I’ll move on to a section so good, it got its own column last month…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Missus Hyatte over Victoria, Women’s Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): Surprisingly nice, physical match…well, not surprising. Both Trish and Victoria can get physical when need be, and this one was booked perfectly, including the ending. Kudos to both ladies for helping the show to recover from the mind-numbing bullshit that started it, and kudos to Victoria for not doing the dance routine bullshit during her entrance. Now this is the way to go. Just bring back TATU; you’ve already brought back Stevie. At least I think it was Stevie under that fright wig and muumuu.
Randy Orton and Dave Batista over Edge and, initially, Chris Jericho (Pinfall, Orton pins Edge, RKO): A win-win situation, really. They really want Edge/Orton badly, so giving Edge this blowjob push of a match really helped in that regard. He’s now a serious threat, whatever that means. Orton and Batista also got to look good, with the exception of the majorly blown spot with Batista failing to go over the top rope. So, the match did what it was intended to do, and it was pretty decent to boot.
Trip versus Nick Dinsmore (ND, clusterf*ck): Oh, hurray, begin the show with Flex, end it with retards. Yeah, WWE, you really know how to keep my attention, don’t you? I couldn’t get into this episode at all, and this match was a microcosm of why I couldn’t. They’re just not giving me anything I give a rat’s ass about. They can do better than that.
Angle Developments:
Some “Welcome Back” Gift For Me, Huh?: Well, look who we get right out of the gate. And look who has time to knock out the rest of the column while he’s waiting. I can hear the cocksucker blather two rooms away. At least it gives me an audio cue on when to resume watching the show. Terrific. Five seconds in and it’s already “f*ck this shit”. You know, if I didn’t drag the TV two hundred fifty miles, I would have broken it. The fact that I still have a small bruise on my arm from a week and a half ago from moving it…oh, wait, there’s Evo’s music, but he’s still out there, so I’m still in here. Hell, I’ll wait until the commercial. Hope you enjoyed wasting your twenty-five minutes of fanboy masturbation. I put that time to productive use, not only doing the column but installing updated video drivers.
Let’s Be Honest Here: No matter how Bisch flowers it up, the reason for his actions is simple: it’s embarassing and humiliating for a genius to have a retard in the family. Being beaten up by Trip is too good for the bastard. He has to be pounded so far into the ground that he’ll never see sunlight again. Go Trip!
The Passion Of The Regal: When Bisch told him, “Your match is next”, did anyone not know it’d be Kane? If you didn’t, stop reading this column and go catch the short bus to school. But if this means that Regal’s ready to go…oh, that’s great news. When you pick up the Benoit DVD set, catch the match from Pillman 2000 between him and Benoit. I was fortunate enough to be there live, and it shows Regal at his greatest, not to mention the entire crowd turning on Benoit to start cheering him (including me).
Dr. Stanislavsky, Report To The Ring, Stat…: Matt Hardy’s overreaction to Lita’s admittance that the baby was Kane’s was absolutely hysterical. No real man reacts that way. Dejected with head down, yes. Slap the bitch, yes. Turn around and walk away, yes. Tear hair out and go into spasms of confusion, no.
And for those of you wondering, the new email is here just in case Widro forgets like last time. So use that link instead of the one at the bottom JIC. Until tomorrow in Black, I bid you a fond adieu.
About Eric Szulczewski
