Mistress: That is it! Hockey season is over. Basketball season is over. And you’ve finally finished Vice City. I demand your complete omnipotence!
Me: Omnipotence…..o-m-n-i-p-o-t-e-n-c-e
Mistress: …….
Me: :)
Mistress:……you’ve been watching the Spelling Bee again, haven’t you?
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! The seventh one to be exact. Lots of news in the sportsworld to cover this week, especially in the world of basketball. We’ll have all that and more plus a few extras thrown in at the end.
BUT, FIRST!
I felt last week’s column was my worst effort so far, yet the overall response was “it was the best one so farâ€. I was a little confused by this so after stating these confusions to several friends, the response seemed to be that is typical in any artistic medium. A painter friend of mine stated the same thing happens to him constantly. As did a sculpture friend, and a writer friend as well. But, they do these things for a living so when I asked a non-professional artist what they thought, their response was “Bother, I love you, but you’re f*cking insane. You don’t think like other people, so how the hell would YOU know what people like or not?†Thank you, brutally honest friend. Also, God received some very positive reactions, and for that God blesses you all and will return in the future for a second coming.
BASKETBALL
Congratulations to the 2004 NBA CHAMPION: THE DETROIT PISTONS! And to continue what I stated a couple of weeks ago, the team with the player from my alma mata won, so I was satisfied, as was most of the planet. Was there anybody cheering for the Lakers? Even the LA bandwagon jumped ship after game three. At the end, the better team won too and even though they weren’t as top heavy as the Lakers, player for player they were the better basketball club. Despite that, most weren’t expecting them to win (including myself) so this is officially an upset. I am not even sure when the last time a true underdog won the Finals. But since we do have an underdog champion, most people are happy. Sports writers who grovel at Larry Brown’s feet are also satisfied that the so called ‘best coach in the NBA’ finally got his golden ball. Though I don’t take it that far, I’ve always liked Larry Brown due to the fact he is an honest guy who will always say what’s on his mind as well as be straight with the players and the fans. If he doesn’t like somebody on his team or an other i.e. Phil Jackson, Allan Iverson, etc. he will have no trouble expressing it to the public. So, I got respect for the old timer. As for the players such as the two Wallaces, Hunter, Billups, Campbell, and of course RIP, they are extremely difficult not to root for. There may not be a more charismatic team in sports and even though some of them are a little wacky, they’re all good people. In RPG terms, they were Chaotic Good. Historically, the 2004 Pistons will be known as the team that finally ended Western Domination. Hopefully, due to this win and the upcoming off season shake up (we’ll get to that) the conferences can become more even. Also, the NBA finals are now the finals again, the whole ‘western conference semi-finals as the true finals’ thing is over. And that’s better for everyone!
The LA Lakers went KABLOOIE! Forget about in-game analysis, as the catalyst happened before the series, the true kablooie came right after the last game. Phil Jackson has already resigned, Kobe has opted out of his contract, and Shaq is demanding a trade. End of an era. But as the Wise Man from Cocktail once said, “All things end badly, or else they wouldn’t end.†That philosophical theory is completely untrue and inconstant to several facets of life but it holds up most of the time in sports; especially with teams that are filled with unhappy egomaniacs. This has already been covered in length here on 411 Black so I’ll just add the latest tidbits to come off the wire. The newest revelation is that management is siding with Kobe; GM Mitch Kupchak stated “…the Lakers would do anything they need to keep Bryant and would try to accommodate O’Neal if he demands a trade.†Now most analysts of the game state that one of the best centers in league history is more of a central piece to a championship team; but Kobe is younger and still has yet to reach his prime. It feels like he’s 35 because he’s been in the league forever plus has a very mature demeanor about him, but he’s still only 26 years old. They would like to give Kobe the ‘maximum salary’ plus should he get thrown in the Can, all that money would be taken off the Lakers’ salary cap due to circumstances beyond their control. So, it’s easy to see where they are coming from. Isn’t it fun to see these guys suffer? Come on, you know it’s true……
A couple weeks ago, a controversial piece aired on ESPN called “2 on 2†in which Larry Bird and Magic Johnson had a conversation with LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony. Controversial not because it warranted the term, but the issue of race was discussed and that gets people hopping up and down like a bunny rabbit. Bird, when asked whether the NBA has enough white superstars replied, “You know, when I played, you had me and Kevin McHale and some others throughout the league. I think it’s good for a fan base because, as we all know, the majority of the fans are white America. And if you just had a couple of white guys in there, you might get them a little excited. But it is a black man’s game, and it will be forever. I mean, the greatest athletes in the world are African-American.” Magic Johnson seemed to agree when he responded by saying “We need some more LBs. Larry Bird, you see, can go into any neighborhood. When you say ‘Larry Bird,’ black people know who he is, Hispanics, whites, and they give him the respect….Larry Bird was the only white guy that was mentioned in the barbershop…†Lebron James seemed to disagree by stating that fans don’t look at race, but instead who can play the best basketball. If one went outside and shot threes, Larry Bird was their favorite, if one liked Magic, they tried to throw the best passes. Carmelo Anthony gave his two cents by stating “Race is not an issue. Where I’m from, people love the Yao Mings, the Dirks, the Pejas. They love them guys. I don’t think race is an issue right now.”
There are either one of two things going on here, possibly both. The first are that Bird and Magic are cemented institutions by themselves and can speak their mind freely without worry of repercussion. Carmelo and Lebron are young rookies trying to be PC. On the other hand, this could simply be a generation gap on the subject. In Magic and Bird’s day, race was an issue and the divisions in this country ran deep. Yet in the late 1990s/21st century, it is not so much an issue, and that could have two meanings. Our younger generations feel that racism is a problem of yesteryear and not today or our generation doesn’t feel comfortable opening racial taboos because it takes them out of their ignorant and comfortable perception of the universe. Either could be true. While I am sure many of you are leaning toward the second hypothesis, one should not underestimate the power of the generation gap. Oscar Robertson, whom was emotionally tortured during his playing years, admitted in a speech a few years ago that he just realized all white people weren’t evil. And those who were, were not evil because they were white (This is actually an amazing and heartfelt lecture by him in which he breaks down crying, if you ever catch it on a documentary, it’s worth watching). In all, race is still an issue…..even though like money and national borders it’s a sociological figment of our imagination and doesn’t really exist.
Here in New York, there is a HUGE story involving Marv Albert. I wouldn’t mention it if I didn’t think it was amusing. Marv Albert and MSG network (owned by The Dolans whom own the Knicks) agreed to part ways. The Dolans wanted Marv to sign a “morale contract†in which Marv Albert would minimize (or stop) his criticism of the Knicks, especially management. Marv refused and that’s that. Before everyone starts going crazy on the Dolans, one should remember they did keep him around after his ‘back-biting’ scandal when everyone else dropped him. According to reports, Marv approached YES network (owned by George Steinbrenner, local provider of Nets games) to see if they needed an announcer. Well, they already do have an announcer. A guy by the name of Ian Eagle whom due to his experience as a talk show host has a mini-cult in the metro area. Nationally, he does the D or E game for CBS football and college basketball so I’m sure many of you would know him if you saw him. Well, a lot of sports reporters and talk show hosts (unlike the rest of the country, sports talk is HUGE in New York) are now in a civil war. Half are extremely angry at Albert for trying to take away Ian’s job when he already has a job with TNT and possibly NBC with their new hockey contract. The other half are angry with the people who are angry at Marv Albert. At the end, it has made for some entertaining radio, tabloid banter and TV for those of you who get YES network on their satellite as they simulcast the very popular Mike and the Mad Dog Show. There is so much politics going on in the sports announcer world, that something like this was bound to happen…to the amusement of the fans!
Oh yeah….it’s official. Al Michales is atrocious as an NBA announcer. Doc Rivers, not being great himself doesn’t help Al out either. He’s an excellent football guy, and hearing him on Monday Night Football is a treat. But basketball….yuck!
BASEBALL
A couple of tidbits on our favorite heel, Double B. Bonds was asked if he would consider going to the AL as a designated hitter when the twilight of his career approaches. He responded, “I’m open to it—just not in Boston†He claimed it was too racist for him and he would never play there. You know what, he’s right. Boston is the most racist and segregated major city north of the Mason/Dixon line. I love that town for the same reasons most people do (sex, drugs, alcohol), but its racism is ludicrous and I’m always troubled by it whenever I spend time there. Now one should remember, it’s just the most racist major city in the north, not the most racist place in the north. That would be Long Island.
The other news is that the San Francisco Giants will distribute rubber chickens to protest the amount of intentional walks thrown to Barry Bonds. In 57 games (as of Saturday) Bonds has drawn 97 walks with 51 of them being intentional. The chicken’s name will be “Walkerâ€, will sell for ten bucks with proceeds going to the Giants Community Fund. If it sells well, they should give some of that money to Oakland, that’s a community that needs funding.
The BIG story in baseball these past couple of weeks has been interleague play and whether it is ‘working’. Is what working may I ask? They say there are a few good match ups, but most of them are boring and serve no purpose. You know what? SHUT UP YOU JOY KILLING SPORTS WRITERS!!!! It’s like minor bowl games…who cares if there are too many. Don’t watch it and let the people who get a kick out of them enjoy it. What’s the difference if an AL team plays Kansas City or Pittsburgh? The difference is that the AL team will get to see what the Pirates look like and perhaps take a peak at a stadium they have never seen before. Same goes vice versa. So once again, here is a thing that works for the fans of baseball (and the owners $), yet is poo pooed by the sports geeks. Personally, I love watching my favorite team play a ballclub in a stadium which I know little about. It’s fun! And sports is supposed to be fun. Remember?
Sometimes….I hate baseball writers. They’re like historians. They take the joy out of the subject they’re analyzing. I also hate the term baseball historian…whatever. Not the subject per se, but how can you be a historian on something that hasn’t existed for even two centuries? You can be an opinionated analyst…but that’s about it. Put you jerks in your place and kick you around like the dogs you are I will!
OLYMPICS (and baseball too)
If you’re not paying attention to the Marion Jones case, you should. The USADA as well as a quasi-national committee has been pressing several athletes on their alleged dealings with BALCO. We know about the baseball players, but until MLB has an actual regulation in place, very little can happen to the players outside of public shame. For track stars, it can mean suspension and a stripping of previous medals and rewards. Marion Jones had done something no other defendant or prosecutor has done yet, scream to the public about what is going on. She stated she passed over a 100 drug tests as well as passing a lie detector and they are still going after her. She also stated that the prosecution has been obtuse to her side of the story and called them a “kangaroo court†and seemed to just hold up on calling them a lynch mob. One thing is for sure, someone is going to come out looking like a jerk. Either Jones herself or the USADA. For you baseball fans, if the USADA is shown to be using unethical tactics, the ballplayers all of a sudden have a defense as well.
HORSE RACING
I’m a couple weeks late on giving my take on the Belmont, but since I had been talking about it, I might as well finish it up. My conclusion: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
SPELLING BEE
I’m a couple weeks late with this as well. Congratulations to David Tidmarsh who sucessfully spelled a-u-t-o-c-h-t-h-o-n-u-s to clinch the National Championship. Props go to runner-up Akshay Buddiga who a few rounds earlier, fainted, then GOT BACK UP to successfully spell a-l-o-p-e-c-o-i-d!!!!!. Like a good hockey player, he went backstage to get medical attention but returned for the next ‘period.’ I love the spelling bee and I am dying to see that documentary “Spellboundâ€. I’ve heard great things about it. Remember that Peanuts cartoon when Charlie Brown went to the National Spelling Bee? When the kids got a word wrong, their faces would go POP!. Basically, perish and cease to exist. Classic stuff!
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
I’ve seen this movie three times in the past several months plus I recorded it. So, I guess I like it. I don’t know why, but there is something about this movie that hits me hard. Actually, I know exactly what it is but I’m not going to tell you because trust me, you don’t want to hear it. The film has a great flow to it, the characters are likable, great dialogue, and it has a cool little dog. There are two things though that I can’t stand. The blatant racism by Jack Nicholson’s character which is supposed to be ‘cute’, I find quite disturbing. I’m not sure what I find more disturbing though, that a bunch of Hollywood writers felt free to degrade blacks and jews and make it look ‘silly’, or that society accepted it. The other was the unrealistic happy ending. I don’t mind the happy ending, just how unrealistic it was. All of a sudden, the three characters are best friends and it’s as if we missed an entire 20 minutes before the final scenes. So while most felt this film was too long, I though they could have stretched it a bit so that the ending was a bit more in touch with the ‘realism’ the film was trying to portray. But I still liked it, and it’s one of the few ‘romance’ films from the modern era I consider a personal favorite.
PET SHOP BOYS
I recently got the Best of Pet Shop Boys double CD. I’ve always been a sucker for 80s new wave, and PSB is no exception. Great driving music, what’s more intriguing is that I bought this along with…
SUFFOCATION
The history of Death Metal correlates with Gangster Rap. It has obscure beginnings in the early 1980s, came together as a genre in the late 1980s, and peaked in the mid 1990s. Since then, it’s been downhill. Not to any discredit to the musicians, but it is such a constrictive genre, there is only so much that can be done, and like gangster rap, it has now officially…all been done. Suffocation though was one of the pioneers and considered by many to be the first big New York death metal band in a town where the underground was ruled by Hard Core and Punk. I’ve never been a huge fan of them. Their claim to fame was that their songs would change up their melodies every 20 seconds making for a very chaotic sound. But I felt they tried to do too much to impress their peers as opposed to just being themselves and having that translate into good music. Also, one had to hear a song or album several times before liking it. It would just take a while to get used to the advanced technicalities of the music. Either way, I got their new album and outside Morbid Angel, they are the only ‘original death metal band’ still left. I liked it alot and it’s nice to know music like that is still being produced in the year 2004. With that said, if you LOVE Suffocation, you will love this album as well.
MOZILLA
I have gotten rid of Mozilla and went back to IE. First of all, the browser couldn’t handle javascript and that’s problem. Second of all, there was a 5% chance my computer would freeze when mail was received. Third of all, Mozilla would freeze if I had too many windows open. Fourth of all, after Mozilla froze, I restarted my computer to find out it deleted HALF my inbox and most of my address book. I know alot of people praise them and I appreciate what they are trying to do, but until their get their act together I have to stick with IE. Now, that I’m back to explorer, I see what the positives of Mozilla were. Basically blocking half of the spyware and pop ups out there; making for some convenient web surfing. And yes, I know if I do this with that and that with this I can clear up the bugs. But I just don’t have that time nor do I care. A couple of my computer expert buddies agree with me. They say explorer is still the best browser out there and as long as one does a ‘sweep’ of their computer every now and then, everything will be fine. Basically, it comes to this: If one is savvy with the computer or you have kiddie porn on your hard drive, get Mozilla and do the tinkering it requires. If not, explorer or netscape is just fine.
RALPH WILEY
A personal favorite sportswriter of mine just passed away. His stuff is on Page 2 of ESPN if you want to check it out. He had this amazing ability to write in any prose he chose: Academic, sophisticated, philosophical, gonzo, ‘angry black man’, satirical, etc. And do it all while staying insightful and more importantly, entertaining. See you on the other side.
SPORTS ON 411BLACK!
Hey, someone’s got to do it.
Hulse has everything you want to know on the kablooie of the Lakers. Plus some of his predictions already came true! Wow! He’s Psychic!
Urciuolo does a retrospective on Ken Griffey, Jr.
And on the Back Page, Hunter’s got you covered on Lacrosse and Horse Racing.
NEXT WEEK
I got 100% COMPLETION IN VICE CITY!!!!! So next week…my tips on how YOU can do it too!
I wonder if I’m stepping on the other zone’s toes by writing about games, music, and movies. Eh, they don’t even know I exist…..
