Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 06.29.04

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There are no words or terms, in any thesaurus or in the Dead Parrot Sketch, that describe the way I feel right now.  Drive from Emporia to Lincoln on Friday.  Load a U-Haul on Saturday.  Unload a U-Haul on Sunday.  Go to work on Monday.  No time to recover, no time to do anything.  I just need to get through the week to get the advantage of a three-day weekend so I can get some actual rest.  Huzzah for independence.  But my move couldn’t go smoothly, could it?  After all, this is me we’re talking about…

WEEKEND OF HELL

Let me describe the utter joy I experienced finishing the move from Lincoln to Emporia, as I scribbled on the super secret writers’ forum:

I did the U-Haul thing on Saturday to get my ass out of Lincoln once and for all. I started to have transmission problems from the moment I pulled the damn thing out of the lot (stalling, etc.). I’m able to get it loaded four hours ahead of schedule, con the apartment manager into doing a move-out inspection, and get my ass out of there at about 3PM.

Well, somehow I was able to make it to Emporia (and spend a hundred bucks in gas in the process). About three-quarters of a mile from the apartment, the tranny was getting worse and worse (as in can’t do over five miles an hour and won’t slip into gear). I somehow get to my apartment. Then, when I try to put it into reverse in order to position the U-Haul to unload, SPLAT! Steaming transmission fluid all over the ground. Not to mention the fact that it lurched forward at the same time, damaging the overhead canopy that provides our parking spots (which I have to pay for).

So here I am, blocking the parking lot. I call U-Haul and spend a half-hour on hold. During this time, a cop in uniform comes by because someone called him up about the U-Haul blocking the lot. I’m talking to U-Haul and the cop at the same time. Finally, U-Haul says they’ll send a wrecker. I show the cop the underside of the U-Haul, with all that beautiful tranny fluid leaking out of there like a teenage boy watching his first porn, and he understands and says it’s cool (nice guy; I think he lives in the complex). The manager and her husband are cool with the damage after I explained what happened and said I’d pay for it.

So, fifteen minutes after that, two wreckers show up. By that time, I was able to unhitch the Damn Vaninator from the car dolly and get it in a parking space. Of course, the dome lights are stuck on because something in the Damn Vaninator flicked a switch. So I have to disconnect the battery in order for it not to run down (after I get it in a convenient parking space out of the way of the wreckers). One of the wreckers tows the car dolly away, while the other does some good vector analysis and is able to position the U-Haul so that I can unload it. I, of course, am a smart person. The last thing I loaded was my bed, which immediately got unloaded. I then get it in, collapse on it, and start emitting low moans as I wait for the Tylenol to kick in.

So the plan is simple now: unload the U-Haul, call the wrecker again, tow it away. Not so simple. Guess what the weather’s like here? Intermittent thunderstorms. Sorry, but I am NOT unloading a U-Haul in the f*cking rain. So I have to unload it during breaks in the showers.  Eventually, it gets unloaded, and I have to call the tow company to get rid of it.  A half-hour later, it’s out of my life and out of the handicapped parking spot that it was blocking (thank God I didn’t get ticketed for that).  A couple hours later, the Damn Vaninator was unloaded as well, and I realized after this that I couldn’t move and was starving.  So I did the smart thing.  The phone book was within reach, so an urgent call for pizza went out.  Somehow, I’m able to make it to the door to get it.

The nosh did me a bit of good, enough so that I was able to slowly, slowly walk to the bathroom and run a nice, hot bath for myself.  Fifteen minutes, and I started to get a bit of feeling back into me, enough so that I could stagger into bed and take a four-hour nap, which provided me enough energy to scribble the end of this and start the Pimp Section, not to mention take a Klonopin so I can get back to sleep before having to go to work on Monday.

So that’s it.  Everything’s in Emporia now.  I now have a two-month sojourn through cardboard to unpack this crap (and since I know I’ll be here at least a year, I’ll unpack, thank you).  Just a bit of stability, that’s all I want.  And all in all, the difference between exhaustion and homicide lies in two little pink pills and one little white pill.  And getting ready for work on Monday morning not only included those, but the last of my Flexaril and a nice, big Vicodin on top of it.  Maybe I can convince the yee-hah doctor I’ll get down here to get me some Oxycontin for my knees and back.  Unlike that fat f*ck Limbaugh, I could actually use some right now.  Of course, what I could use first would be my medical card so I can get said pills in quantity.

But there are questions that must be asked about Kansas, and the Ravin’ Cajun hit me up with one:

How the hell can your new adopted state charge for travel on Federal highways? I went to Wichita recently and it blew me away that the interstate was a tollway. Bloody brilliant, but I can’t figure that out.

That would be I-35/I-355/I-70, a.k.a. the Kansas Turnpike, which I live right off of.  It’s the same way that Ohio can charge for travel on I-80/I-90, Pennsylvania can charge for travel on I-76, and Illinois can charge for travel on I-94, I-294, I-80, I-355, and I-88.  Has something to do with the Tenth Amendment and eminent domain, I believe.  Nor do I care.  I’m just sick and tired of feeding the state f*cking toll money and will do anything to avoid it.

Now on to the rest…

THE PIMP SECTION

Nute tumbles 4 ya.

Memo to my fellow Wrestling Blogger Randle:  Salvatore Sincere, a.k.a. Tom Brandi, bought the Patriot gimmick from Del Wilkes and is doing indies, from what we last heard.  Just thought you wanted to know.

The noobs in the Wrestling zone have bad timing when it comes to my being able to pimp them.  So, while they’re still up on the main page, which makes my life easier, let me get them:

Napier, of course, is correct.  All men are not created equal.  I, for instance, am infinitely superior to anyone who posts in the Forum, enough so that they should get down on their knees and suck my toes clean as befitting the god that I am.

Byers shows how the white man is kept down.

Shaffer indulges in one of my favorite alternate universes:  one in which Ted DiBiase was given the WWF title, as he should have been.

I’ve always loved Hazard‘s music.  “Escalator of Life”, for instance…oh, sorry, that’s Robert Hazard.  Ours is the one who talks about midcarders, is not a personal friend of Gloria Vanderbilt, and didn’t write “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”.

And that’s all for the noobs.  Now on to the guys I know who properly worship me like the people in the Forum should do.

Campbell, Mike Variant is finally titling his column honestly.  Bravo, Mike.

Did Huckaby and Csonka watch the same show?

But that’s a TNA B-show argument.  The WWE B show guys here are always in concert with each other.  That would be Obal, Fried, and , in case you forgot.

I, for some reason, never pimp Gagnon‘s Saturday work.  Maybe because I’m scheduled for three weeks from now, so I haven’t been in it yet.

Urciuolo doesn’t want to get involved in a poker game with me.  I have no tells and make Teddy KGB look like a kind-hearted soul.

Melchor credits me for using footnotes.  I deserve credit for a lot, but not for that.

Memo to Presiloski:  I like lattes, get my mother’s SUV when she croaks, and make money by being a professional annoyance.  But I’m not a yuppie.  How far on the f*ckwit scale does that put me?  Just curious.  And don’t worry about the INDUCE Bill.  That’s another of Orrin Hatch’s professional brain farts that’ll get nowhere.

If Fernandez gets mail from record company owners and fashionistas, he should start extorting them for merch.  For instance, I almost got a Jaguar from a guy at Ford UK I helped get rid of spyware.  The problem was that in order to get it, I’d have to write a whole column praising Flex.  Some things are just simply not worth it.

(By the way, have we made enough money to afford to start our own merch line?  Evocator T.I.T.S. T-shirts and “You’re A Moron” coffee mugs would sell like hotcakes.)

Hayhurst answers a pissload of questions about movies, as he usually does.

IT’S OFFICIAL:  I’M ACTUALLY HELPING PEOPLE

Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter here at 411.  So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information.  And guess what?  People are actually taking this to heart.  They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a couple months now.

Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on this site, SpyHunter.  Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they?  And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try hereSuzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves.  Consult it if you have questions.

One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”.  No one deserves that kind of treatment.  If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here.  It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.

Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:

Spybot and AdAware.  The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust.  Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.

SpywareBlaster.  Will nuke twelve hundred different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.

SpywareGuard.  From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster.  It’s a real-time scanner for spyware.  A decent first line of defense.

IE-SpyAd.  Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system.  Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.

A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before).  I’ve resisted putting it here because of a couple things:  1) The MS JVM was removed in XP SP1a due to the Sun court case and replaced with a Sun JVM, and I’m not sure how many people have actually patched.  2) The link above is an automatic download, and that does scare some people.  Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe.  I wouldn’t have put it here if it wasn’t.  But I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.

I’m going to add another program here.  It’s a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong).  Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system.  It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP).  It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads.  Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager.  I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days.  You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds.  It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it.  Warning, though:  it only works with XP.  I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped.  You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.

Of course, only download them from the links provided above.

With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week.  Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems.  Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running.  Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week.  It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection.  Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” (definitely run that one, since they just put in another database update in the last couple days) and kill it.  It doesn’t need to be active.  For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater.  Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs.  Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything.

If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff.  I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals.  Look for their symbol, which I’m not going to try to link to anymore because someone at the other end keeps munging it.

EVERYONE CELEBRATES GAY PRIDE WEEKEND IN THEIR OWN WAY

The interim goverment in Iraq was scheduled to take power tomorrow.  Well, surprise, it took power yesterday morning in a sneak inauguration.  From a personal standpoint, this f*cks me up bad, because I had a major screed about this scheduled for Black tomorrow concerning this.  Now that it’s a fait accompli, that material is officially wasted.  Fortunately, the killing’s still going on, so maybe I’ll get some material out of that.  How about a nice beheading today, for my sake?

The White Sox got Freddy Garcia from the Mariners in a trade and, on top of it, did their usual number on the alleged baseball team from the gay side of town (go south down Clark or east down Addison a half-mile either way and you’re in Boys’ Town, folks).  Go Sox!

The Czechs didn’t bounce in Euro 2004…okay, Colin, they’re good, I admit it.  And the Greeks, who are known for sodomy, started things off early with their upset of France.  Congrats to our pal from Scotland Chen, who perfectly described the Greeks as “goat-f*ckers”.  Actually, the only person I’ve ever seen f*ck a goat was Mexican, but the sentiment is true (as is this statement; you see a LOT of weird things in the meat business).

Michelle Wie took the gas pipe in the finals of the US Public Links, where she was defending her title.  Give a whole lot of credit to Ya-Ni Tseng, though, who pulled off a great comeback late.  Michelle is, of course, fourteen.  Tseng is fifteen.  We may have seen chapter one of the next great rivalry in women’s golf over the weekend, and that can only help the game.

Wimbledon was so rained out they played on Sunday, turning it over to the people as they do on these rare occasions when they have to do this.  Should they do it permanently?  No.  Some traditions have to be maintained.  But when they have to break tradition, they do it with class and style, not to mention strawberries and cream.

Can I brag about saying while the damn film was still in production that Fahrenheit 911 was going to be a success and that people would want to watch it despite its political biases?  Yes, I can and will.  Told you so.  I’m still downloading it as we speak, so maybe by Wednesday I’ll have watched it and have some commentary on it.

And, of course, Jeff Hardy returned to action in TNA last week and Martina Navarotilova was named to the US Olympic Team.  Heaven forbid that I actually end off this section without mentioning some people who have reason to celebrate Gay Pride (and without having to resort to stereotypes regarding the English or women golfers).

It’s now on to the wrestling news…

OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE HAS NOW COME TRUE

John Layfield, WWE Champion…let me wrap my head around this one.  On second thought, let me just use a brick and smash my head in.  I mean, I remember Justin Hawk Bradshaw, okay?  I remember the piss-poor Stan Hansen imitation and being stuck with the well-hung Robert Fuller as manager.  And now he’s holding a legitimate world title belt.  Thank God for the pills, that’s all I have to say.  Okay, maybe he can do something with it, and this is obviously a reward on Vince’s part based on the well-known loyalty bias.  But I still can’t justify it except as part of the “strike while the iron is hot” rationale.  And I have to f*cking cover this show every week (yes, this week the Short Form will be back).  Aargh.

The Joe In Me has some more eloquent comments about the situation, comments that I couldn’t bring myself to a proper emotional level to express:

I remember, when Eddie Guerrero won the WWE Title in February, I almost had tears in my eyes.  Eddie had been through so much with his addiction and near-fatal car accident, and was able to come back from it all in 2002 and just put on awesome match after awesome match with anyone in the ring, and it all culminated with his rewarding of the WWE Title.  It was very emotional for me as a fan, just because I know about addiction (not personally, thankfully) and what it does to people, and it was just a very special sight to see Eddie really come back from all of that and show that he had deserved another chance.  Then last night he lost that title.  I’ve never actually gotten sad/depressed over a storyline angle in wrestling.  I never thought such a thing could actually be possible, until I saw that they really did give the title to John “Justin ‘Hawk’ Bradshaw” Leyfield.  I knew deep down that it would happen, I just had that gut feeling that they’d do something stupid.  But now, I really don’t see much hope for Smackdown anymore.  Maybe this is what Vince really meant when he said in January 2002 that he was going to inject some poison into the WWE.  Lord knows that the nWo didn’t do anything to affect the promotion, but Smackdown has been tanking with no signs of stopping in sight, and has been since the main event push of John Fucking Leyfield.  Maybe January 2002 was the beginning of a long grooming period for Leyfield, climaxing with his title win last night, in Vince’s effort to ruin as many lives as possible.  It’s sad, Eric.  It really is.

Let’s see, The Joe In Me loathes that decision.  Randle says that he’s not watching SD until High-Quality Speaker Boy drops the title.  And this is the core audience we’re talking about here.  They’re alienating even us, and our sheep-like tendency to watch no matter what is disappearing quickly.

Rising from the dead is not something I would consider instinctual.  It has to be taught.  UT has risen from the dead more than once.  Who taught him how to do that?  I’d say that Paul Bearer is a good bet, actually.  So who’s to say that being buried in cement has eliminated the guy?  He could come back at any time, I’d say (namely the moment that William signs another contract or they need him; the guy has some major family concerns to deal with, including a sick wife).  UT turning conflictedly evil, though…that’s a good thing, especially with Heyman around.

What was the purpose of John Cena retaining the US title?  Around his waist, it’s simply bling-bling.  Dupree could get major mileage out of it and a push to put him in the depleted SD upper-mid-card.  Booker can do anything with a title around his waist and look good while doing it.  Hell, even Van Dam could…no, I’m not going to suggest that Van Dam get anything.  He held that damn ECW TV title for almost two years straight and they couldn’t give him solid booking that didn’t involve anyone named Jerry Lynn.  The plan’s obvious, though:  TBS is due to come back soon, and by making Cena look strong, they’re going to pimp the rematch between them for the title heavily.  Shit, if this is the plan, just sign Abyss and give him the goddamn belt in his first match.  Worked for Christian, didn’t it?

And the rest of the PPV was so negligible there’s no reason to waste column space on it.  Bring on Vengeance so we can actually get some meat on the bones of the skeleton that is WWE Creative.

And, by the way, WWE, if you want a majordomo for “creative”, write me.  Christ knows that I could do a better job in between cows than anyone there who’s dedicating themselves full-time to it.

ONLY APPROPRIATE, VINCE; YOUR PPV SUNDAY MADE A LOT OF PEOPLE SICK TO THEIR STOMACHS

Acording to Da Meltz, Vince is currently suffering from a bout of diverticulitis.  It’s a minor infection that causes inflammation in small pockets in the wall of the large intestine (a majority of people Vince’s age have those thanks to genetics and, among other things, a low-fiber diet).  The pain is rather intense and impossible to get rid of until the infection subsides.  So what else is he suffering from right now?  Well, fever, nausea, vomiting, chills, cramping, and constipation, to name a few.  Complications can include bloody stools and long-term urinary tract problems.  He’s probably getting some high-dose antibiotics right now, along with a liquid diet, and should be fine in about a week.

Unlike Da Meltz or Ashish, I explain this kind of shit to you, so I’m worth every penny they don’t pay me.

That’s all that really interests me news-wise.  Let’s just move on to Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Edge and Chris Jericho over Randy Orton and Dave Batista (Pinfall, Jericho pins Batista, Lionsault):  Another wild brawl like the match last week, except with the results reversed, Jericho involved in the entire match, and DAVE not blowing a critical spot.  Still a fun little match, though, as Edge’s blowjob push continues (in recompense for his loss of a program with Trip and having to settle for Orton as a piss-poor substitute?).

Trip over S. W. Regal, Esq., Nick Dinsmore As Special Guest Ref (DQ, Fun With Brass Knucks):  Okay, all you “Trip will sell for people” guys, let me remind you that Regal is one of Trip’s inner circle and best friends (and one of the groom’s party at his wedding), so Trip will sell for him.  Thank God he did, though, because Regal looked great.  Given his problems, he shouldn’t wrestle a full schedule, but special attraction matches against opponents on Trip’s level are definitely doable (see Taker, Under).  As for the Special Guest Ref, I’ll let the Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self handle that one:

Well, Ole Anderson reffed a World Title match in ’92, so we already have proof that retards can officiate big matches…

La Res over Rhyno and Sergeant Slaughter…Rhyno and Sergeant Slaughter?! (Pinfall, Conway pins Slaughter, double-team neckbreaker slam):  Did anyone else see this?  I’m thinking it was the drugs that made me imagine it.  I’m actually hoping it was the drugs, really, because I can’t imagine anyone actually booking this match in any semblance of rational reality.

Unfortunately, it was real, and the Ravin’ Cajun verifies it:

Take a look at the RAW tag team roster. You have Edge and his combo of the month. You have any two members of Evolution. You have a number of wrestlers who would LOVE to be on screen in a tag match. So I ask you- how the FUCK can Sgt. f*cking Slaughter be in a tv match as Rhyno’s partner in a tag match against the champions? Are La Resistance taken with that little a grain of salt, or are they that desperate to kill off the tag team belts?

The tag belts have been shit for two years now, really, on both rosters.  No one takes them seriously, so they get to blow them off in a stupid-ass match like this and not even throw in a reference to the fact that Thursday is Canada Day.  Idiots.

Chris Benoit over Kane, World Title Match (Submission, crossface):  Did Benoit really need the mark cred boost of having the odds stacked against him (Kane had to submit but could win by countout or DQ in addition to the usual)?  Hasn’t he got that by now?  I blew off most of the match to finish this thing before I fell asleep, but I could probably tell you the booking blow by blow.  Uninteresting end to an uninteresting show.

Angle Developments:

J-word-off:  The opening promo was a complete waste of time, offering up the services of Trip and Regal toward the abominable Dinsmore angle.  However, it did give us a Trip/Regal match, so silver linings do sometimes appear on dark clouds.

Has He Tried Cloning?:  Finally, we get an explanation for Kane’s noctural activities with Lita, and it was…well, dull.  He wants to reproduce.  Big deal.  Why couldn’t they have said something like “I want a child so that I could sacrifice him or her to Satan and devour the carcass and bloody afterbirth”?  At least it would have provided some nice imagery.

The Joe In Me points the blame at this at the party who should take the blame, namely Lita:

Oh good, they DO remember Lita’s sacrifice.  But here’s a question, and this is in storyline terms: Who, in their right mind, would EVER sleep with someone like KANE and not use any protection?  I mean, if I was Lita, I’d pour a concrete condom over Kane’s dork just to make absolutely sure that there was no way I could possibly get pregnant, or catch any of that herpes that Kane was sporting a few weeks ago.  That’s what they should have done, now that I think of it.  Instead of having Lita get pregnant, they should have had her get some sort of STD, and then give it to Matt.  But make it something that shows up on their visible skin (face, arms, whatever).  It would be hilarious, number 1, and it would also be something different.  However, I do have faith in the booking team for this angle: after all, we’ve watched them stretch the Jericho-Trish-Christian storyline out for eight months, which is how long we have to wait for Lita to have Kane’s baby.

Except that Jericho and Stratus were given carte blanche over that angle, and it’s essentially still continuing today due to their efforts.  I don’t think “creative” will let Jacobs, Dumas, and Hardy have the same level of control over this.  We almost ended up with the end of the angle courtesy of sponanteous abortion via chokeslam during the closer tonight, which’ll probably be the way they end it (in other words, like the Chyna/Eddy pregnancy angle).

Some Joe Schmo Observations:  I stated a couple months ago that the key to Joe Schmo‘s success was Matt Gould and the fact that everyone loved him, from the audience to the cast.  After a couple weeks of the second season, I’ve been proven correct as usual.  The show’s gone downhill because of the choice of Schmoes.  Tim is a complete retard and Ingrid’s a f*cking cunt.  They’re not likable at all.  I also have this feeling that Ingrid is being fed stuff to encourage her doubts because, deep down, the producers were ticked off that Matt didn’t come close to guessing that he was being had, and they want this level of tension (and Tim isn’t going to pick up on anything; he’s a vegetable).  The main reason the show will be interesting to watch is if Ingrid does piece the clues together.  What do the producers do, let her in on it if she doesn’t do the reveal in front of Tim?  Offer her two hundred grand if she can fool Tim until the bitter end?  Get her kicked off in the next eviction ceremony?  Force her to bathe in Ralph Garman’s hair coloring?  Feed her to Montecore the Psycho Falcon (Montecore is, frankly, the best character on the show right now)?  These questions will be answered soon.

And that closes up this one.  See you tomorrow in Black for more fun and games while I try not to injure myself roaming around the cardboard forest in my apartment.