Hi Everybody! Today’s edition will be Upside Down! We’ll do links first, stuff second, sports third, a brand new feature that you will actually be able to use for your own benefit, and the Mistress will show up at the end with a very special Fourth of July message for me, you, and ALL of us! This week, the main sports story is….nothing in particular. So the bulk of this week’s edition will be dedicated on how you can get a 100% completion in Vice City! Why? Because I’ve gotten alot of great response on my Vice City discussions despite the fact I’m talking about it about two years after it came out. I won’t be able to do this in one column because it will take up too much space and Col. Daniels will kill me. So, this will either be a two or three part series, I will do about three Microsoft Word pages then stop. But if you have any questions at all, you don’t have to wait until next week. Feel free to e-mail me, and I’ll gladly do my best to answer any questions you may have. We got a deal? Also, the sports part is almost nill this week, I apologize and will make it up next week. But because this edition is Upside Down we start off with…
NEXT WEEK!
2004 Baseball Death List II
Vice City 100% II
Hope for love starved Stars Wars Fans!
And all the latest Sports news and views!
SPORTS ON 411BLACK
In Musings, Mark talks to a REAL poker player!
The Canadian Kid didn’t like the U.S Open….
Mike Hulse has got the NBA draft downright covered.
Eric S. along with Flea talk about Golf and Soccer.
100% COMPLETION ON VICE CITY!!!
I’ll be writing this for two different people. Those who have played the game and are starting over to get 100%. Those who never did play the game. So for veterans, you may find information that is obvious, and for rookies, you may have no clue what I’m talking about. So I pre-apologize for that. The reason I’m writing this is to make a quickie guide of what you need to do get the awe inspiring 100%. There are alot of FAQS and guides out there that tell you how to get 100%, so I realize you don’t need me tell you the nitty gritty details of very single mission and what to do first, what to do next, blah, blah, blah. Most people who engage on this glorious quest usually aren’t looking for that anyway. I’m assuming you are doing this for its challenge and the joy that comes with it, and you like to figure these things out yourselves, with a few handy tips and hints for the ones that are ridiculously difficult. So basically here is a list of everything you need to do (and not to do) to get 100%. The first thing is…
NO CHEATING!
If you cheat…the highest you will get is 99%. If you want to play around with the cheats, don’t save your game. Or do what I am doing, and use the cheats after 100%. Despite what the cheaters will say, you do not need to cheat to win. First of all, this is the type of games where there are tons of ways to unofficially cheat and second of all, if one goes after the 100% goal, especially with the hidden packages, you will become ridiculously powerful, have the best weapons and vehicles at your disposal, and have what is for all intensive purposes, an infinite amount of cash.
NOTE ON FAQS and GUIDES
When reading a hint guide or FAQ, they say things like “Find the next 73 packages†or “now is a good time to do 100 taxi missionsâ€, and even “you should do this mission before this mission because blah blah blah†Forget that, do this game at your own speed, the way you want to. One of the great things about this game is the fact that you can do whatever it is you want to do at any time you want to do it. If you want to do an R3 mission, do that. Wanna go on a storyline mission, do that. FAQs and guides can and will take the fun out of this game if you do what they say at verbatim.
WHAT YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO
Wheelies, stoppies, and stunt bonuses are not necessary to complete 100%. Those are for your own amusement. The beach ball game does not effect the percentage either (even though it probably should of.) Also, from what I understand, there was some nasty rumor that there was a super secret ‘horse and chariot’ R3 mission which is why nobody was getting 100%. It was simply a hoax capitalizing on the fact people were cheating and getting stuck on 99%. There is no horse and chariot vehicle in the game.
FREAKING HAITIANS
This is what you will be screaming again and again as you progress further into the game. First the Haitians and the Cubans are at war with each other, so when you’re at their border, you will get caught in the crossfire. Once you help the Cubans ‘win’, they now are at war with you. Little Haiti becomes a death trap for you and worse, they will ruin any mission that goes through there. So when doing missions where you can choose your own location, stay away from Little Haiti.
KNOW WHERE YOUR BRIBES ARE
For us non-cheaters, cops can be a problem. If you find a bribe in Vice City, jot it down on a printed out map. You’ll be thanking yourself you did later on.
PUBLIC MISSIONS
I made that term up to describe storyline and other miscellaneous missions that appear on your map. So there is no trouble finding them and you know when you are done with them. But, if you need reassurance there is (in no particular order) the First mission, 4 Ken missions, 4 Cortez Missions, 4 Diaz missions, 1 Kent Mission, 3 Avery Missions, 5 Vercetti Missions (including the Final mission), 3 Haitian missions, 4 Cuban missions, 2 Phil Missions, 3 Love Fist Missions, 3 Mitch Missions, and five Phone assassination missions.
Some missions will be very difficult for you, other will be easy. Everyone is different. While some missions there is not much you can do to alter the scene (i.e car races), most missions allow you much freedom. To use the old term, think outside the box. Say to yourself “Sure I can go in with a car, a machine gun, and a chainsaw, but what if do this with a bazooka, grenades, and a Hunterâ€.
NORMAL PROPERTIES
If you see a pink house icon and can afford it, but it! There is seven of them. Five on the East Island: 3321 Vice Point, Es Swanko Casa, Links View Apt, 1102 Washington St, and Ocean Heights Apt. And two on the West Island: Skumole Shack (the most uselss one of them all) and Hyman Condos (the most useful one of the all.) All these properties are on the main map that comes with the game. Once you get into the Special Properties Mode of the game and have the Mansion, you’ll rarely use any of them for the exception of Hyman Condos.
SPEICIAL PROPERTIES
After the final Diaz mission, you become a major crime lord in the city and can start buying expensive real estate and then complete their missions respectively to gain assets from the real estate. Some are necessary to complete the game, others are optional. For 100% there are no options. Also, there are at times confusion on what actually the missions have to be as they are not always explained. Let’s go in ABC order.
1) Boatyard –One mission and personally, I had lots of difficulty with this one. Use the boat on your left. I think it’s better.
2) Cherry Poppers-1 mission. Sell 50 ‘ice creams’. DO NOT SAVE HERE. IT IS STATED TO BE A MAJOR BUG!
3) Film Studio-3 Missions. People have difficulty with them but the rewards are well worth it.
4) Kaufman Cabs-3 very fun missions.
5) Malibu Club-4 missions. They are quite difficult but amusing.
6) Pole Poisition Club-1 mission. Go to the back, and have a stripper dance for you for 10 REAL minutes and/or until you spend 600 dollars. I watched a baseball game during th1is mission.
7) Printworks-2 missions that are part of the overall storyline.
8) Sunshine Autos-We’ll get to that next week….this one needs it’s own space.
TAXI DRIVER MISSIONS
Ok..I’m going to give you some advice about this one. Dropping off 100 passengers is tedious at best. Do a few at a time in between missions. In fact, for those who are first starting out, its good to do several to get to know the area. The quickest way to do it is on the major highway in West Vice City. You will get a few trips to the airport and the arena, but most of them will be right on that highway. So, do the taxi missions on the highway, put on KCHAT to have a few laughs while driving back and forth, and you’ll be able to knock this one off without groaning about it. If you take this advice, do it BEFORE THE FINAL CUBAN MISSION. Or else as stated above, Little Haiti will not welcome your services.
100 HIDDEN PACKAGES
This one is the most controversial because lots of people claim that packages vanish from the game disallowing 100%. No, you just missed one or two. I know….it happened to me. I had 99 packages and SWORE up and down the game screwed me, but alas, I went back to an area where I felt the brain freeze might have happened and….voila. Get a good map (there are several around the net) and have some OCD fun. Personally, I could only do so much in one sitting. I found all of them at around 45% completion. One could always go to a FAQ for precise descriptions, and for some of them, you will need it as they are impossible. Most of them though you can simply look on a map and play a mini-scavenger’s hunt game which in my opinion is the most rewarding way to do it. NOTE: Some faqs don’t tell you that many of the packages up on rooftops can easily be gotten by a helicopter. Here’s what you get.
10) Body Armor-Don’t leave your hideout without it.
20) Chainsaw-Fun as hell but that’s it. Heavy, slow, and attracts every cop in the city.
30) Python-Pound for pound, the best gun in the game, bar none. One shot…instant death.
40) Flame Thrower-When you beat the fire fighter missions, it’s a very useful weapon. Until then, it’s just as dangerous to you. Fun though.
50) LSS Rifle-You won’t know how you lived without it. For missions were time isn’t an issue, there is not a better sniper rifle in the game.
60) Mini-gun: Fun but impractical for missions.
70) Rocket Launcher-The ultimate equalizer!
80) Sea Sparrow-Best traveling helicopter in the game. Parked behind your Mansion.
90) Rhino-A tank…You know the drill. Perfect for the ‘chaos mission’.
100) The Hunter-Difficult to learn how to fly but when used correctly, the most powerful weapon in the game.
To get the above two, dress up like a cop which is available after you bomb the North Point Mall and go into the military base.
So that’s that. Get 100 packages and you’re practically invincible…when not on a mission. These are basically all the weapons you will ever need (with the exception of grenades, you’ll have to buy those at the mall).
Ok…that’s it for now. To be continued next week.
GTA: SAN ANDREAS
Here’s the scoop! In the early 1990s, when racial tensions were high, you play a reformed Afro-American ex-con living in Liberty City. But after your mother is murdered you are forced to go to San Andreas and your old life.
San Andreas will consist of THREE different cities that will resemble LA, San Fran, and Las Vegas. Some new features will be
The abiltiy to eat at restaurants…and get fat!
Work out at the gym
Get haircuts and different hairstyles!
Ride a bicycle
In Vice City, you were able to buy buildings, in this game you will be able to BUILD buildings as well.
Gamble In Las Vegas
Do house break-ins for easy cash.
And…you can swim! Water will not be instant death.
If it comes out this fall, I probably won’t play it for two years but it’s topical.
More Next week! Let’s do a little sports!
BASEBALL
Ok, folks. Lots of trades coming down the wire as I write this. Next week, we should have a better perspective on what the deal is. So until then, I do want to say….
The Seattle Mariners have traded their best player….again. Freddy Garcia and Ben Davis went to the Chicago White Sox for Miquel Olivo, a Top Prospect named Jeremy Reed., and a minor leaguer. The White Sox were actually competing with the Yankees for this pitcher but Yankees GM Brian Cashman stated they couldn’t come up with as good a deal as the Sox. The rumors have it that Olivio was very upset when he found out he was traded. The manager called it a ‘tough conversation’. There are even reports that he broke down crying, none of the other White Sox were crying…they got Freddy Garcia.
See? I told you the Tampa Bay Devil Rays would keep on fighting. But did you believe me? NoooooOOOOOOoooo. Will they make a run for the division or wild card. Maybe. Will they get it? NoooooOOOOOOoooo.
Also, Congratulations to California St.-Fullerton for winning the College World Series! Never knew that school existed, now I do!
FOOTBALL
Congratulations to the San Jose Sabrecats for winning Arena Bowl XVIII! I know this thing has got a cult going because it’s getting ratings, making money, and selling out arenas. Yet, I don’t know anyone who watches it. Do you?
GOLF
Seems like most of the golf players were upset that about the US Open. Awwwww…was it too hard? No wonder it’s difficult for ‘common trash’ like myself to get into this sport. But to be fair, there are two arguments to every debate. For those who hated this open, they say the golf course became the star of the show, not the player and that is not good for the overall health of the game. Those who retort state that those who really did want to win did well. If one is looking for cash, you’ll humiliate yourself. Basically, the course separated the men and the boys. I don’t know, most golfers are jerks. And anything that pisses off a jerk is fine by me.
SPORTS ON NATIONAL TV!
A brand new feature here on Sports and Stuff. Why? Because…..I love you.
All times are EST because Eastern Standard Time is the BEST Standard Time.
Wednesday Baseball (all games are subject to blackout which means an alternative game or…..ESPNEWS….yuck)
2:15-ESPN2 : Houston Astros vs. Chicago Cubs
If the Stros want this division, now is the time to start act liking it. ( I hate phrases like that.)
7:00-ESPN: Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees
Enough said…..(I hate that phrase too.)
10:00-ESPN2: San Fran Giants vs. LA Dodgers:
Pitching probables are Tomko vs. Nomo
FOX Saturday Baseball (Regional)
Our motto: All games start 20 minutes late, pissing of everybody at the ballpark.
1:00-Chicago White Sox vs. Chicago Cubs
Battle for Chicago!
1:00-New York Yankees vs. New York Mets
Battle for New York!
4:00-Oakland A’s vs. San Francisco Giants
Battle for the Bay!
4:00-Seattle Mariners vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Huh?
Sunday Night Baseball (National)
8:00-ESPN: Chicago White Sox vs. Chicago Cubs
Both teams could use a series win…there going to need those as both divisions may come to the wire.
July 5th Baseball Special (Subject to Blackout)
2:00-ESPN: Cincinnati Reds vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Good divisional match up between two so-so teams.
4:00-ESPN2: Colorado Rockies vs. San Fran Giants
Because a day without Bonds is a day that never was.
7:00-ESPN2: New York Mets vs. Philadelphia Phillies
Either team could be in first or fourth place by the time this game arrives.
10:00-ESPN2: Houston Astros vs. San Diego Padres
It’ll be intriguing to see where the Stros will be at this point.
Wimbledon Tennis (Come on, Microsoft! Don’t put a red line under Wimbledon….It’s freaking Winbledon!) is on all week on ESPN, ESPN2 and NBC. I’ll start off when most of us will be jumping on the bandwagon.
Women’s Semis: Thursday 8:00am-ESPN and Noon-NBC.
Men’s Semis: Friday, same deal.
Women’s Final: Saturday, 9:00am-NBC
Men’s Final: Sunday, 9:00am-NBC.
The snoots go to Lemont, IL at the Cialis Western Open.
First Round: 4:00-USA
Second Round: 3:00-USA
Third Round: 3:00-ABC
Final Round: 3:00-ABC
Finally, they go “under the lights’ at Daytona (No Microsoft, I don’t mean Dayton!) in what is the COOLEST race of the year, the Pepsi 400. It’s just so cool! Saturday/7:00-FOX.
A VERY SPECIAL MESSAGE!
Me: La, la, la ,la,la…playing with fireworks and drinking alcohol….la la la la la
Mistress: Just what are you doing!
Me: I’m playing with fireworks!
Mistress: Have you been drinking?
Me: Yup!
Mistress: Don’t you know there are over 3000 injuries every year that are fireworks related?
Me: Really?
Mistress: Last year, 900 people in America alone lost a hand due to carelessness with fireworks.
Me: That’s because they’re stupid. I play it safe. I have a two step process. Light the fuse and then run like hell.
Mistress: Over half of these injuries were in correlation with drinking. And many of these injuries took place as much as 20 feet of the initial explosion.
Me: Really? Are you saying I shouldn’t light fireworks!
Mistress: Not at all! That’s nazi talk. Just have at least one sober person in the area to facilitate the celebration.
Me: Wow! Now I know!
Mistress: And Knowing is half the battle!
Have a Great Independence Day Everyone!
