SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF
Mistress: ….
She’s mysteriously silent this week but who can blame her. As I write this it’s July 5th and I as well am still feeling it from a long weekend of….
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! . The mistress is myseriously silent this week, but don’t worry. She’s just hung over. We have a nice issue this weekI kill off one more baseball team for the month of July, a little shmorgesborg on all the top and not-so-top but interesting stories this week in sports, I make fun of a good friend of mine for the sake of cheap entertainment for the reader, and of course Part II of my never ending OCD with Vice City. Actually, it ended a few weeks ago but I know for some of you, it’s just beginning. Let’s do this thing!
BUT, FIRST!
Ok…The upside down format was amusing but stupid and I apologize, but what hurt my column (I received no hate mail, just in my opinion) was the GTA Vice City stuff smothered all across my so-called sports column. So, for this and next week, my GTA: Vice City 100% guide will no longer be an official part of my column. Instead it will be an extension (or is it distention) and be AFTER the column proper. Everyone got that? Think of it like a cigarette…with the heroin at the bottom.
BASEBALL
Last Thursday, one of the great mid-season regular season games was played between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. It was one of those games where every 10 minutes you slapped yourself silly and screamed “This is the best game ever!” It was not nationally televised so not too many people outside of the northeast saw it, but take our word for it, it doesn’t get better then that. In tribute to that classic games, this month’s baseball death list will consist of one team and one team only…The Boston Red Sox. As of this writing, they are 7.5 games behind the Yankees and historically that means the Yankees clinched first place (they have never blown a lead over six games). They are also 2.5 games behind the wild card along with two other teams and a few more not too far behind. Now, could the Red Sox catch up to the Yankees and toss them off the Hill? It’s not unfathomable. Could the Red Sox win the wild card race? Absolutely. But they won’t…they’re dead. Oh, they’ll make a run and get everybody’s hopes up. But they won’t make it to this year’s post-season. When I made my pre-season predications (to myself since I don’t put them in my column) I thought this could be THE year for old Boston. I thought player for player, they were the best team in baseball. But they blew it and it has nothing to do with some stupid curse (which is nothing but an erroneous term to explain 50 years of racism and no pitching) it’s all very logical. Let’s take a look, shall we? It’ll be fun!
Remember the 1999 ALCS? When the big debate was Jeter vs. Garciapara. Well, Nomar ended up with five fielding errors that series and since then it’s all been downhill including a bad injury and has over the past few years been passed in the national scope by the other baseball ‘stars’. But, Nomar was still THE man in Boston and the fans had no trouble rallying around him. Unfortunately, Nomar never seemed to pay back these respects and was accused of becoming a ‘diva’ for the past couple of years. Despite some complaints, you never heard Boston fans whine too much about that, as he may have been a jerk, but he was THEIR jerk. Finally the A-Rod fiasco came and went and that got Nomar downright angry as he felt like a second class citizen. But after all that and A-Rod ending up with “the Evil Empire”, Red Sox fans still believed in Nomar, they waxed poetic such as “Forget about Jeter and A-rod. The league will soon see that Nomar is one of the best players in baseball” Well, the Red Sox believed in Nomar, but Nomar didn’t show any faith back. His attitude and demeanor during Thursday’s classic was a complete disgrace. Sitting down for 5 hours starring at the lines of your palm is not the way a professional acts…in any job. Especially one such as baseball where one must try to generate all the positive spirit they can muster. There was a rumor that Nomar found out he was going to be traded soon which is why he was sad. Well, he hasn’t been traded yet and even if he was, so what. At the end, Nomar proved what many people realized a long time ago. He’s a selfish jerk with no regard for anyone else.
Speaking of selfish jerks, it brings us to Pedro Martinez. Now, the pitching that was supposed to set the world afire has been suspect this season. But, Pedro has still been himself, for the better and the worse. People feel though that simply comes with the territory. Starting pitchers tend to be jerks but if they are winners, so what? Well, they’re right AND wrong! Yes, some of the world’s most prolific winners have been selfish jerks. Nolan Ryan, Kevin Brown, Roger Clemens, the list goes on. But starting pitchers that are prone to winning championships? Cy Young, Hank Greenburg, Sandy Kofax, Whitey Ford, Ron Guidry, Al Leiter, Jimmey Key, David Cone, Andy Pettitte, etc…Hmmmmm…these were all players who put the team ahead of their personal priorities….How about that? So what’s Pedro Martinez? When Jason Vartiek calls a ‘player-only’ team meeting and the only one not to show up was Pedro…that defines who he is.
Speaking of Jason Varitek, a couple years ago he dubbed himself the unofficial captain or something like that. He’s the catcher who thinks he’s Gordon Lieu at the plate. Personally, I always got a kick out of it and do like him as a player. But there is only one true way to lead in baseball and that’s by example. Going 0-10 in the Yankees/Red Sox series is no way to lead. He has to step up and hope the plays follow through by osmosis.
The Boston Media breathing down the club’s throats doesn’t help either. Take a look at how they always gang up on Manny Ramierez. He’s a heck of a ballplayer and I’m not sure what people have against him. He’s a bimbo…so what? He’s one of the best pure hitters in baseball and loves to play. What more do you want from the guy?
But the REAL reason this team is not winning is because of Management. Epstein is part of the Moneyball Cult or the ‘how to be in perennial contention without winning a championship’ theory and he’s won over the owner. It’s a theory that relies on complex probabilities, standard deviations, percentages, blah blah blah. The manager of the ballclub has it IN HIS CONTRACT that he is not allowed to play what is called ‘little ball” (this means strategizing an inning to score a ‘guaranteed’ run) or discipline the players, so basically, he’s castrated. What these folks can’t seem to grasp is that baseball is NOT a game of statistics. Statistics are fun but that’s about it. Winning championships take heart, spirit, and determination. It also takes some ‘little ball’. Which teams have won championships using this theory that has scientifically been proven to be obsolete? Only about…..the last 20 TEAMS TO WIN A WORLD SERIES!!!
And this is why…the Red Sox are dead.
BASKETBALL
Well…Coach K has decided to stay at Duke! The rumors had it he didn’t like the new era for college basketball. Players leaving early, no regard for the ‘family’, things like that. So he felt out the Lakers and decided….nah. There are two main reason for the ‘nah’. One I understand, the other I find just a tad bit ridiculous. The first reason is that he still likes college basketball better despite its faults and just doesn’t like the overall universe of the NBA as much. Who could blame him? It’s a mean, crabby world filled with greedy owners, grumpy players, unappreciative fans, and just seems to lack the ‘spirit’ of college basketball. I can see that. The other reason was because he didn’t want to upset his legacy. Now, THAT I don’t get….upset his legacy??? He’s worried what people will think of him when he’s dead? He’s not the president, he’s a basketball coach! Isn’t life supposed to be about challenges? The worst that would happen is he wouldn’t do so well. So what if that happens. I would think a mature man in the intellectual prime of his life would be beyond such self-absorbed two dimensional thinking. But then again…this is the world of sports.
FOOTBALL
Long time readers of mine (8 weeks!) know I love bashing non-stories. I think the biggest non-story is Brock Lesnar. I mean it’s very interesting but what’s with all the hate? Wrestling fans, Football fans, media nazis in general: All saying this guy is going to fail which is another way of saying they want him to fail. Let me tell you a story kids. Once upon a time there was a young lad at 25 years of age. Though good at his job, he didn’t seem to enjoy it as much as he thought. He then stated ‘I’m going to quit and try something else in a completely different field. If I don’t do it know, I’ll never be able to do it”. The end. This is the story of Brock Lesnar and every other 25 YEAR OLD IN THE WORLD! What the heck is the big deal? Personally, alot of 25 year olds don’t quit the job they hate and end up becoming bitter, nasty 40 year olds. Those that do, may succeed or fail, but it’s not the destination….it’s never the destination. Always the journey….
TENNIS
Congratulations to Maria Sharapova who at 17 became the first Russian to win the Wimbledon. She seems nice too. Could we actually have a nice championship tennis player in the world? Give her a few years, especially after her high school sweetheart has sex with her best friend. That usually does the trick.
ESPN.COM
It’s official. ESPN.com which has more or less been the ‘Central Central’ of online sports news has become a bloody mess. Between the videos that cram up memory space and the advertisements that cause epileptic seizures, the once very smooth and easy website has become a cesspool of so much junk, it’s becoming impossible to navigate. I know alot of ‘sport junkies’ feel this way as well, so I felt I would reflect those feelings. I would recommend the ‘official sites’ and cbs.sportsline as good alternatives if you’re not in the mood to crash your computer.
SPIDER-MAN 2
It was eh…….
I was hoping for a silly action flick, I got a silly melodrama. If you loved it, God bless you. I’ll give you folks a few weeks to see it…then we’ll talk.
A NEW ‘HO’PE!
So you’re single and can’t find a girlfriend that you can relate with. Wouldn’t it be nice if you met someone with the same passions as yourself? Like Star Wars. How awesome would it be if you met a girl who liked Star Wars just as much as you do? Well a few weeks ago, me and the ‘crew’ decide to spend an evening playing Star Wars trivial pursuit (Shut up! I’m at the age where anything dorky is now cool). I get my ass kicked in, because I haven’t seen any of the original films in about six years and when I did, I was rarely sober which I felt gave me a slight disadvantage. But this isn’t about me losing. This is about a girl that kept on winning! Over and over again! She knew the answer to every question. The question could be “What was the number of the landing pad that the tie fighter 45 landed on?” And she would blurt out with out a second’s thought “34918XVR89!” I was flabbergasted! And folks, let me tell you…she’s a LOOKER! But, you may have to move quick because she’s been dating some guy named Travis. And girls looooooove guys named Travis. But what I’m trying to say is don’t give up hope. There are female Star Wars fanatics! They are out there! You may not believe me, but I saw it with my very own eyes. It was amazing and somewhat terrifying as well. You just have to keep looking and looking (or take a short cut and put an ad on the Internet or something). So good luck True Believers! Never give up searching for that Rainbow!
LOTS AND LOTS OF SPORTS ON 411BLACK!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. 10 wrestling columns a day and everyone’s happy. Six sports columns a week and everyone’s crying there is too many sports columns….
I like Aaron Cameron. He’s Cool. What’s even cooler is his take on Brock Lesnar which happens to be the complete opposite of mine. Seeeee? Sports is a BIG world and takes several columns to see all the angles. Also, according to another 411 veteran, his columns are “what incoming writers to 411 should read. It’ll give them something to aim for.” OK!
On The Back Page, Hunter goes all out on the College World Series and Tennis.
Mike Hulse has got the scoop on Coach K and the BoSox. Wait a minute…that’s MY column!
The Canadian Kid finds a way to talk about the NHL… Wow! Even The Hockey News takes this month off!
Mark U does a mean trick. He makes you think he’s talking about the Yankees, but he’s really talk about the….
Three of the five reasons Gagnon Loves Canada have to do with sports in this very very very special tribute to July 1st. I’m in it too!
Huckaby thinks out loud about all these wacky NBA trades.
And everyone welcome Paul Carmon to this twisted absurd world!!!
SPORTS ON NATIONAL TV 6/6-6/12
Plenty of Baseball….
Subject to Blackout unless stated otherwise…
Wed/1:00-ESPN: Detroit Tigers vs. New York Yankees
Wed/7:00-ESPN: Oakland A’s vs. Boston Red Sox
or Tampa Bay Rays vs. Baltimore Orioles
Wed/10:00-ESPN2: Houston Astros vs. San Diego Padres
or Colorado Rockies vs. San Fran Giants
Thurs/2:00-ESPN: Anahiem Angels vs. Chicago White Sox
Fri/7:00-ESPN: Atlanta Braves vs. Philadelphia Phillies
FOX Saturday Games (Regional)
1:15-Atlanta Braves vs. Philadelphia Phillies
1:15-Chicago Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals
4:00-Colorado Rockies vs. San Diego Padres
4:00-Houston Astros vs. LA Dodgers
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball (National)
8:00-Chicago Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Mon/8:00-ESPN: 2004 Home Run Derby
Boxing
Tue/9:00-ESPN2 (Check out Courtney Burton)
Fri/9:00-ESPN2
The hicks go to Joliet, IL at the Tropicana 400. What Tropicana has to do with the state of Illinois if beyond me…Sun/2:30-NBC
Not too far away, the Snoots go to Silvis, IL for the John Deere Classic.
First Round: Thurs/4:00-USA
Second Round: Fri/4:00-USA
Third Round: Sat/2:00-ABC
Final Round: Sun/2:00-ABC
NEXT WEEK
I get promoted to Private-First Class in this…..
TENTH ISSUE SPECTACULAR!
SPORTS!
STUFF!
WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE AS A 411 PRIVATE!
See you next week!
GRAND THEFT AUTO 100% PART II
Hi everybody! If you’re here it means you’re interested in getting a 100% completion or you’re just a fan of the game and are looking to bounce things off. Either way…it’s allllllllllllll good….
We covered alot of ground last week so now let’s do the R3 Missions…they seem to piss everybody off (Note: I will ignore Paramedic, since I gave you 12 awesome tips several weeks ago).
PIZZA BOY
You’re goal is to finish 10 levels. I would recommend doing this early in the game due to the priceless reward. People seem to have lots of trouble with this mission, and it’s quite difficult, there is no way around it though oddly enough I had little trouble with it.. I would say to do the one on the Washington Beach/Vice Point border, as you’ll want to avoid Little Haiti. After that, I would just say practice makes perfect when learning how to ride the pizza scooter; at first you’ll be crashing every five seconds but soon you’ll be able to weave through cars, trees, and anything else that gets in your way. The best tip I can give you is to Split the Map Apart and in your head think of North and South of the Pizza shop as two different levels. For example, let’s say you have six pizzas, 3 customers north of the shop and 4 customers south of the shop. Do the three that are north of you, come back to the pizza shop, GET RID OF YOUR EXTRA PIZZAS and get a refill of pies from the manager. Now proceed to go the five customers south of the pizza shop. So that’s my tip. The Reward: 150 Health!
FIRE FIGHTER (12 Levels)
Your goal is to complete 12 levels. I had LOTS of trouble with this one. Not with the mission per say, but just random crap. I would accidentally press R3 or ‘triangle’ and end the mission consistently. There is just a lot of chaos going on that can make you nervous causing a mental error such as that. I would say to take the Fire Truck (located at the HQ in Downtown) to Ocean Beach. Due to it’s long narrow roads, you won’t have to chase people around city blocks. Also remember to put out the car fires before the people. If a car explodes, the mission is over. The key to this is to learn the hose. Physically, you’ll need nimble fingers but you will get the hang of it. The best recommendation is to aim the hose to the farthest people running away knocking them down for a few seconds then proceed to put out the people in front of you. With all that said, you won’t be able to get through this mission without a few melodramatic chases, so…deal with it. Reward: Immunity to fire
VIGILANTE or BROWN THUNDER (12 Levels)
You’ll get the credit for either one, you don’t need to both. Vigilante is actually the one mission that is impossible without cheat codes. But us non-cheaters get a bonus…Brown Thunder. See my last column on how to obtain the Hunter. After that, you’re going to go through some growing pains with the old war helicopter. It will be at first quite the task to fly it and you’ll just have to give yourself some flying lessons. My best advice is to always tap the controls lightly, the hunter is very responsive so if you press a button too hard, the Hunter will do more then you asked for it to do. As for the mission itself, once you are comfortable with the Hunter, it’s very easy and a lot of fun. I would recommend the machine gun as it has automatic targeting, but the cannon is a treat. Reward: 150 Armor
Ok…now let’s go over what I like to call the x/x missions. Basically…the ones you will be doing all throughout the game.
36/36 UNIQUE JUMPS
Get a good map, a PCJ, and let ‘er rip. You’ll know when you get to a unique jump due to the cut scene. A lot of people have trouble because the ‘Unique Jump Completed” flash is very quick, can easily be missed, and only shows up once for each jump. Therefore many of the jumps will have been completed without you even knowing it i.e. on a mission, driving around, etc. I didn’t even know about unique jumps at first, but when I found out about their existence, my stats showed I already completed five of them. This made for an OCD nightmare. Some of the jumps are a little obscure so you may need a guide to steer you the right direction for a few of them but many of them are self-explanatory and you won’t even need a PCJ. Note: If you want to challenge yourself and simply play off a map I should tell you the so called Jumps “34,35,36” are in Film Studio Mission #4. You can’t access them until then. Have fun!
35/35 RAMPAGES
Dam…these things are addictive. I always did about four or five at a time. I was actually disappointed after the last one because I wanted to do more. Some are difficult (such as the one on the southern mall), but for most, as long as you have max health and armor (recommended you have the pizza boy mission completed for 150 heath), you shouldn’t have a problem. Plus you get to train yourself on all the different types of weapons.
ROB 15/15 SPECIFIC STORES
You can rob any store you want but there seems to be confusion about which stores to rob specifically…..all of them are on the map that came with the game. Let’s kill some bandwidth.
1) Bunch of Tools (on your in-game map too)
2) Jewelry Shop in Ocean/Washington Beach
3) Food Shop next to Prawn Island
4) Dispensary-N of Above
5) Jewelry Shop (mall)
6) Tooled Up (mall)
7) Gash (mall)
8) Vinyl Countdown (mall)
9) Jewelry Shop (On West Island-Downtown)
10) Pharmacy Shop (S of above)
11) Ryton Aide (Next to a pay n spray)
12) Laundromat (In Little Haiti/Havana
13) Café Robina (where the Cuban missions are)
14) Screw This (on the in-game map)
15) Donut Shop (E of above)
The python is perfect for robbing stores. Basically point it at a cashier and wait until he gives you all his money (about four or five ‘dings’-three cop stars) then kill him off, kill any cops that are in your way, go to the next store, point your python at a cashier, etc, etc. It’s fun to try to knock off as many you can in one Spree.
Ok, now as promised last week, let’s go over the two (or ten) missions from Sunshine Autos.
IMPORT/EXPORT (four lists)
This is Grand Theft Auto at its purest. Simply stealing cars and taking them to the chop shop. Go to the Import/Export shop next to the Garage, and look at a list of cars they are looking for; once you are done with one list, you get a cool bonus car and another list to work with, four all together. In theory, you have eternity to complete these missions and you can progress within other missions as well. The problem is once you are in ‘grand theft auto’ mode, you look at this game with an entirely new perspective. You’ll always be on the lookout for ‘that particular car’ in the corner of your eye. And yes, that one car you saw everywhere in the city is now nowhere to be found because you are looking for it. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but it does seem that way. Some cars are ridiculously rare and you made need a ‘car locations’ guide scattered throughout the net. But you will say to yourself more then once, “Is that an Esperanto? Dam’ it’s an Idaho!” Good Luck!
VICE CITY RACES (all six)
Next to the Import/Export garage there is a map of different races, six all together. Now this is racing, so I’m not sure what I could tell you outside the unofficial ways to cheat. You can blow up the cars with a bazooka at the starting line which is a little cheap plus if one car doesn’t get blown up, it will win. Or you can do what I do: Get an accelerated head start and give one of the cars at the starting line a ‘love tap’. I would recommend the Cheetah or Banshee; the Infernus is technically the fastest but a few hits and Kablooie!
Wow! We’ve covered all the Major, Minor, R3, and x/x missions! Is that all one needs for 100% Completion? Not even close….Tons of miscellaneous, side, random, hidden, and secret missions scattered throughout the game…We will conclude next week!
