But, before we begin…
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
That_Bootleg_Guy: Hey, kids…I’m planning on taking Friday, July 2 off from my Friday Bootleg column and was wondering if anyone would be interested in filling in for that day?
Brian J. Blottie: I’ll do it.
-From the 411 Staff Forums, 6/19/04.
Welcome back to The Bootleg. Can I be serious for a moment? Now, I don’t want to trivialize the plight of whites, Hispanics, Asians and, yes, “others”…but it takes a special kind of patience and perseverance to be a Black man in America.
We’re expected to see every movie that comes out featuring two or more persons of color on the day it’s released. I don’t know who made up this rule, but I’d like to think there should’ve been some wait-for-video leeway with Sprung, Trippin’ and Woo.
Regardless of their authenticity, we’re obligated to forward any and all emails that speak of “conspiracies by the white man”. Surely, some of you have seen the one about the proposed ban on all Afrocentric postage stamps or how Blacks will lose the right to vote in 2007 or how Tommy Hilfiger used the ‘N’ word on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Most importantly, in the words of that Negro poet Ice Cube, we’re expected to stay true to the game.
So, it shouldn’t have surprised me when I received a phone call from a chick named Andrea last week. She used to work in our HR department (we’re talking about my real job, kids) before she was fired earlier this year.
Now, Andrea seemed nice enough, but her and I rarely talked during our three-plus years of employed co-existence. She ran with the man-hating menagerie of middle-aged Black women that every large company is blessed with. Meanwhile, my incessant inter-departmental flirting with “Becky”, “Heather” and other “devils” didn’t play to well with their cantankerous clique.
It was pretty much common knowledge around the ol’ water cooler that Andrea was fired due to her mastery of both indifference to her job and incompetence when she showed up.
But, she pretty much sealed her own fate when she attempted to galvanize a handful of minorities into joining her in a class-action suit. Seems she had reason to believe that white employees were making significantly more than their non-white counterparts. I know this, because I was one of about 12 others that she presented confidential salary information to. That’s “confidential” as in “look what so-and-so is making compared to you”.
That little bit of rabble rousing died a quick death, but now it’s being revisited as my erstwhile co-worker has retained counsel and is calling on every pigmentally enhanced potential ally to join a new class action suit to bring my employer to its knees.
Now, from what I hear in the hallways…my lack of desire to join The Nation of Domination 2K4 has been perceived as a heel turn.
Whatever.
My allegiance is to The Corporation. And our enemies have no chance (that’s what they’ve got)…they’re up against a machine too strong…
It’s just a mat-ter of time, cuz you’ve got: Good-NESS!
She’s Just Festively Plump
Just when I thought that the Macy Gray phenomenon had passed and it was safe to open my eyes…The singer/songwriter appeared at a charity performance in London this past Monday. Beforehand, she promised those in attendance that she would perform one song while completely nude.
Sure enough, immediately after her regular set was completed, the lights went down and Macy re-emerged from the back wearing nothing but a pair of shoes. She kept her back to the audience, sat on a stool and dropped a couple of additional songs for the crowd.
Now, I’ll admit…in my younger days, I slapped my share of fatback and caressed my share of back fat. Big girls need sweet lovin’, too, so please don’t think I’m being disrespectful here…but, has there ever been a more disturbing naked celebrity image than Macy Gray’s orange-freckled neck, chest and ass? Is there anything even in the same area code?
Other than the Kathy Bates/Saran Wrap scene from Fried Green Tomatoes and the “Gluttony” victim autopsy scene from Seven, I’m going to have to say, “no”.
Rhymes With ‘Finna Lay Hoes’
What do you get for the man who has everything, including the number one album in the country? If you said “guns n’ weed”, then you must’ve been one of the seven men who were partying with rapper Jadakiss earlier this week. While the rest of America was celebrating Independence Day (and Canada was celebrating, uh, Sunday) Jada and his crew were getting cited for possession of two loaded handguns and about an ounce of chronic.
It seems an off-duty cop came upon the illicit car accessories when he approached Jada and his boys as they were tossing firecrackers out of the window of their RV. A court date has been set for…whoa, wait a minute. RV? Since when did rappers start rolling in Winnebagos?
Hey, speaking of which, can you believe it’s been almost twenty years since the release of Spaceballs? As one of the most quotable movies of all time, there’s no shortage of apropos one-liners that could be seamlessly inserted into a news item like this one. To wit: “Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!”
Hmm, me thinks I need a refresher viewing with the DVD this weekend.
The Really Black Album
Have y’all ever bought one of those Hershey’s Miniature Assortment bags? Long after the Mr. Goodbar, Hershey’s Milk Chocolate and Krackel have been eaten, those six to eight “Special Dark”-brand chocolate pieces remain bitter, alone and unwanted at the bottom of the candy bowl. Think of those unsweetened squares as the remnants of Wyclef Jean’s career.
After four solo joints, he’s back at it again with the release of his next album Welcome to Haiti 101. He’s previously tried gimmicks like Bee Gees samples and WWF cameos, but this time he’s found the magic that will propel him to dozens of sales: a Creole album. The entire LP will be performed in Haiti’s French dialect of…Creole. And wasn’t the whole world waiting for MC Paul Prudhomme?
By the way, has there ever been a more obvious “separated at birth” than Prudhomme and Dom DeLuise? Now, if Paul has a son who co-starred in an ’80s cop drama on an upstart young network and who saw Holly Freakin’ Robinson Freakin’ Peete pass him on the fame n’ fortune expressway, then that would really be freaky.
Clap Your Hands…Everybody…And Everybody Clap Your Hands
The California Department of Corrections has dismissed four state parole agents who moonlighted as security detail for Snoop Dogg. These men were part of a heavily armed entourage who were stopped while riding with Snoop on their way to an awards show.
And since when did Moonlighting become such a horrible thing?
The chemistry between a young Cybill Shephard and Bruce Willis just pulsated with passion and let’s not forget, it was also one of the only shows to offer up a consistent role for a member of the Revenge of the Nerds alumni. Curtis Armstrong succeeded where Brian Tochi and Robert Carradine failed. Oh sure, I suppose you can point to Ted McGinley and credit him with his work on Married…With Children.
In my mind, he loses points for his affiliation with some of the worst sequels ever captured on celluloid including: Wayne’s World 2, Major League: Back to the Minors and, yes, Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation. And can you believe that Julia Montgomery, who played sexy Betty Childs in the original Nerds flick, was available for the series’ 3rd and 4th installments? That’s my Pi…and she tastes like typecast.
Coming Soon: Pole Position – The Movie
Nick Lachey and the WB Network…there’s something so right about this. America’s favorite eventual alimony recipient has signed on for a recurring role on Charmed. For those of you “above” the tripe on the WB (especially when it conflicts with those high-brow WWE pay-per-views), this is the show about the three hot Gen-X witches starring Alyssa Milano.
To her credit, Milano has recovered quite nicely considering that she had a starring role in 1994’s Double Dragon. See, the mid-90s were a turbulent time for our nation as movie studios everywhere were green-lighting spectacularly bad movies based on video games. Somehow, we survived Mortal Kombat, but I have no idea what the final audience casualty count was for Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as Super Mario Bros..
These days, the video game movies are few and far between. Sure, there’s Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, but I can’t be the only one who thinks that the scripts for DJ Qualls as Q*Bert or Ron Jeremy as Sonic the Hedgehog would pretty much write themselves.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Paris Hilton threw a huge party for herself last weekend to celebrate the launch of her own record label, Heiress Records. Her debut album is tentatively titled Paris Is Burning, which is coincidentally the same urinary reaction that her many lovers have suffered through.
Nevertheless, Paris promises her album is legit and, in her words, “sounds like a combination of Blondie and Madonna with a little bit of hip-hop thrown in”.
So, her record is going to sound like some white girls immersed in Black culture? More importantly, do 90% of the NBA wives know someone is planning to steal their gimmick? Now, I know how much sistas hate on bruthas who leave Bernshiqua for Barbie…but somehow, I don’t think Black women are shedding any tears over every Black man that’s lost to the light side.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
What is up with DMX?
His recent arrest late last month is absolutely bizarre even for a rapper. According to news reports, DMX and an accomplice were charged with criminal possession of a weapon (billy club) and a controlled substance. X was also charged with criminal mischief, impersonation, menacing, driving under the influence, and endangering the welfare of a child. He faces up to seven years in prison if convicted.
You would think being a millionaire, he’d be avoiding nonsense like this. Attempting to steal a car, impersonating an FBI agent, having crack, painkillers in his possession, and smashing through a parking lot gate, all at once?
Curiously, this real-life story is 1,000 times more entertaining and somehow more ridiculous than the plot of any movie he’s ever been in.
Are NY authorities sure he wasn’t filming Romeo Must Exit to the Grave Belly? His lawyer claims it was a “misunderstanding”, which I assume means, “he thought he was making a movie”.
Jet Li was unavailable for comment, but he doesn’t speak much English anyway.
I’m not positive but I think he’s been talking to “Damien” again. You know…the devil on his shoulder from his 1st two albums…I think it went something like:
Note: The following is best read aloud while doing your worst Damien/DMX impressions
Damien: Ay yo, X forget that you’re a star, impersonate that federal agent. You on some force that b*tch out of that car, and some crash it through the gate sh*t.
DMX: I try to do the right thing, lay low and y’all know I don’t have to pack heat.
Damien: F*ck it dog, I’ll stash some crack, painkillers and a beatstick in your back seat
Editor’s note: Not to be outdone by DMX, fellow Ruff Ryder Jadakiss and friends thought it would be a good idea this past weekend to toss lit firecrackers out of a car containing loaded weapons and weed. I understand controversy sells albums, but Jada and his boys’ impression of circa 1992 Vince Coleman isn’t quite the same.
General Haberdashery
Widro has officially downgraded the search for Smilo from “rescue” to “recovery”. The rest of the writers have bravely decided to move forward in his absence.
Just for kicks, I’ve decided to enlist my wife’s assistance for this week’s linkery. I’m giving her the last name and asking her to take a guess at the first name:
Ryan (I swear to God, I’m not making this up) Erhardt is mired in mediocrity. Not his own, just everyone else’s.
Benito Fernandez is bourboned up with a bag of dill pickle chips and some leftover iguana. Oh, Benito…
Rodney Cocozza kicks it with his ex-girlfriend…drinks with his brother the soldier…and drops the greatest Fresh Prince cut ever. Hell, his whole column reminds me of Summertime. Oops, I’ve said too much.
Tim Melchor brings the quantity and the quality. He’s got a piece on Chris Jericho this week, which is usually worthy of getting one of the coveted banner spots at the top of the music section.
Tommy Reid wonders aloud where the Widro love is and demands the same attention afforded Outback Jack (Joe’s Tommy’s words, not mine) who covers movie news on Tuesdays. Plus, the mid-year awards for best picture, actress, actor and Stacey Dash nude.
Haley rarely got pimped in these parts, but if you’ve never read him, give his column a look. He’s announced his on-line retirement as a writer for 411, which is a shame because his voice was a refreshing change o’ pace from the usual IWC nonsense. He cheats at fantasy football, but the Bootleg still has love for him. Cheater.
Junk Mail
Despite taking last week off, there were still a few reasons to write in and tell me how much I suck:
On my review of the new Jadakiss album:
You’ve GOT to be kidding me. 8.0 for Jadakiss and his flow that sounds like he’s holding his nose? Why does 411 refuse to let anyone who knows something about rap actually write the reviews? – P.C.
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C’mon, Cam…were we listening to the same album? Your boy, Nick, said it best a few weeks back…Jada needs to actually try spittin’ about something…sh*t, anything. It’s that same old “choppin’ rocks on the block” sh*t that Biggie perfected 10 years ago. – C.K.
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On my review of the new Lloyd Banks album:
WTF you gave that garbage Jadakiss album a better review? Jadakiss is a sellout and his album was garbage at least Banks stays true to what his fans want to hear. The only way I’ll ever buy another Jada CD is Bootleg. F*ck Jada and his commercial sell-out ass. – B.K.
Hey…he said “bootleg”!
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On my recent 411 Black thoughts regarding the NFL chances of Brock Lesnar:
If football is so great then how come the best it can do is a column by a bit player in the 411mania.com universe, while wrestling has a whole section devoted to it? – J.S.
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About your story thing on Brock Lesnar not making it in the NFL.. I agree. As big as a fan as I am of Brock Lesnar I don’t think and I hope that he won’t make it. IN the WWE he was the top guy and if he goes into the NFL (which is unlikely) he’ll be nothing. Although he is an amazing athlete, it takes more then that to make it in as you call a “real” sport like football. Thanks a lot for the entertaining story and keep up the good work dude! – Christina
C’mon, girl…you know “keepin’ it up” is what Aaron does bes…whoa, hang on…wife just walked in. Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts…
Life With Baby Bootleg
As Kid Cameron passed the five-month mark this week, the wife and I continue to marvel at the little things that seem to fascinate him to no end. Yesterday, he discovered his foot…a week before that he locked his gaze onto one of our ceiling fans.
But, his greatest discovery has been a source controversy in the Bootleg household. During an otherwise uneventful feeding, Jalen suddenly became glued to the TV set. I think it was a Simpsons rerun (the one where Lisa choo-choo-chooses Ralph), but it was apparently new to our son.
It wasn’t long before I discovered that our idiot box was actually a 32-inch pacifier, which didn’t go over too well with the wife. She believes in nurturing and developing, whilst I believe in whatever keeps the kid’s cry hole quiet.
And, besides…my wife has found a whole mess of other lonely and neglected first-time moms who gather at the local Cineplex for something called the “Mommy’s Matinee”.
The theater shows a first-run movie each Wednesday at 10:30 A.M., but with nearly all the house lights still on…the volume turned way down…and changing tables throughout the back wall.
Believe me…there’s nothing that screams “development” and “nurturing” better than an auditorium full of infants, staring blindly at a screen that is three acres wide, while the mommies brush their own popcorn residue and Sugar Daddy shrapnel out of their child’s hair.
Mrs. Bootleg’s Quote of the Week
“I have a migraine and my stomach hurts.” – Thursday, July 08
No, it’s not what you think. If my wife’s not in the mood for an injection of Vitamin ajc (now available in suppository), she just plays the “new mother” card.
But, Aaron, I won’t be able to hear Jalen
Trust me, that kid can be quiet for the next 90 seconds.
In actuality, my wife dropped this week’s quote on me via email yesterday morning. Mrs. Bootleg is always complaining about something like her C-section incision and other phantom aches n’ pains. But, this time, we had plans for the evening that she pretty much squashed.
OK, it was just a Padres game downtown, but I spent all week reminding her and all week she feigned an actual desire to go. She was not only telling me (subliminally) that she didn’t want to go…she was telling me that there was no way in hell that my black ass was going, either.
After all, what better way to escape from the rigors of my 10-hour work day, than to come home and wait on the helpless little mass curled up in the fetal position wrapped in a powder blue blanket…in addition to my newborn son.
Can’t scrape up $11 to see Spider-Man 2? Just get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
