MATCH RESULTS
Michael Shane / Kazarian (w/Tracy) d. D-Ray 3000 & Shark Boy (Shane Superkick on D-Ray; pin)
“Alpha Male” Monty Brown vs. D-Lo Brown (Alpha Male Pounce sends D-Lo through a table; pin)
Trinity / Big Vito vs. Sonny Siaki / Desire (Vito with a twisting neckbreaker, cleverly called the Luca Brasi, on Siaki; pin)
NWA World Tag Title Match: AMW – Chris Harris / James Storm) d. The Naturals – Chase Stevens / Andy Douglas (Quick belt shot by Douglas to Storm, roll-up; pin)
Chris Sabin / Amazing Red vs. Bobby Roode / Petey Williams (w/ Scott D’Amore) vs. Christopher Daniels / Elix Skipper (Daniels Moonsault on Sabin; pin)
NWA Title Gauntlet Match: Jeff Jarrett vs. Ken Shamrock vs. The Truth vs. Road Dogg vs. Konnan vs. Hernandez vs. Onyx vs. Collyer (Jarrett pins Truth after Shamrock knocks Truth silly with the guitar; pin)
OVERALL SHOW QUALITY: Much better than the last two weeks, although Russo managed to almost ruin a good Tag Team Angle and a clusterf*ck of a Main Event saw Shamrock only out for himself or is he? As has been the trend – the hot crowd keeps the show moving, whereas most of this would have been met with the resounding sound of silence about 2 months ago. The real entertainment is surfing around various TNA Reports trying to get accurate match results I can copy and paste – Keller was wrong (had Sabin in the first match and winning!) Mike Johnson was wrong (had Roode doing the j.o.b. instead of Sabin) Meltzer is nowhere to be found good thing there is Larry Csonka. And no IWC 100 list for the moment. And yes I did watch the show – I just don’t take notes – but damn, when I’m dead drunk watching and highly buzzed typing this out the next day, it would be nice to have dependable sources to crib from. Goddamn.
THE MATCHES
Michael Shane / Kazarian (w/Tracy) d. D-Ray 3000 & Shark Boy (Shane Superkick on Kazarian; pin)
A quick check in the crowd shows people going apeshit over D-Ray and continuing to be highly amused by the antics of Shark Boy. Fun stuff for an opener, the highlight being Shark using D-Ray’s FRO PICK! as a foreign object / distraction, as The Sheik turns over in his grave. FEAR THE FRO! but, as luck would have it, the sucka comes out in D-Ray, as a *White Woman* distraction leaves him wide open for a Shane kick to the face. 1,2,3. David Young runs in after for some low-card shenanigans – see the details for that in the Angle Section. Mid-Match Kazarian and Shane hit a wicked backbreaker – guillotine legdrop of the top rope on Shark Boy that looked like it killed the poor kid. It got two. But how in good conscious can I say anything bad about someone from 20k Leagues Under The Sea it ain’t like Underwater Farming ever sold either.
“Alpha Male” Monty Brown vs. D-Lo Brown (Alpha Male Pounce send D-Lo through a table; pin)
Much better than last week, although D’Lo still seems to be working at half speed. I don’t think he is the guy to make Alpha Male look like a million bucks, but the brawl was worth at least $5.25. Great timing on the ending – D’Lo goes for the Frog Splash (called a Lo Down for some reason by the normally astute Tenay) but D’Lo pulled the old “fake out and roll through” that Eddy made famous, only D’Lo chose the moment to show his lack of dexterity…but then he turned around into an awesome Pounce (Alpha’s finisher) through a table (conveniently set up in the corner earlier in the match) this looked fabulous and made up for most of the errors earlier in the match. Example – the table mentioned a few words ago was brought into the ring by Alpha, although the table put up more of a fight than he expected fold the legs, bro. Not sure if this feud is blown off yet or not.
Trinity / Big Vito vs. Sonny Siaki / Desire (Vito with a twisting neckbreaker, cleverly called the Luca Brasi, on Siaki; pin)
Good mixed tag match, the only downside being a spot where Trinity tagged in to face Siaki, who tagged to Desire, quickly causing Trinity to tag BACK to Vito, most likely in an effort for Vito to inflict some non-WWE “the girls have to fight the girls, boys fight the boys” damage on Desire Desire simply tags back to Siaki and here we are back at square one. I actually re-wound that just to see if I missed something – nope, it didn’t make sense again. Tenay says Vito is crowing about losing 30 pounds – West says “tough to buy pasta when you ain’t working” he didn’t really say that, but he should have – Heenan would have. Vito’s finisher is called the Luca Brasi, keeping with his Godfather Mafia gimmick. No word on if Trinity sleeps with the fishes, hyuck. Lesbians! GRUT!
NWA World Tag Title Match: AMW – Chris Harris / James Storm d. The Naturals – Chase Stevens / Andy Douglas (Quick belt shot by Douglas to Storm, roll-up; pin)
This was great not the match itself, but the whole angle going on and the quick theft (match went about 10 seconds before Storm got rooked) of the belts I have been wondering if this feud would be any fun and yes it is, at least until Russo got involved. More on that later. AMW is incredulous, but vow revenge.
Chris Sabin / Amazing Red vs. Bobby Roode / Petey Williams (w/ Scott D’Amore) vs. Christopher Daniels / Elix Skipper (Daniels Moonsault on Sabin; pin)
Daniels had his shoulder taped up so he knew which one not to sell later, hawr hawr hawr. I had a big diatribe ready if this match went to a finish without anyone inflicting damage to Daniels well publicized injury – much to my dismay, the Canadians worked on it for about 30 seconds. Moot? yes didn’t make a damn bit of difference? Yup. But at least the effort was there. Williams snuck in his Canadian Destroyer (brutal flip piledriver) on Sabin, leaving the guys from SabinSection.com holding their dicks as they came to the conclusion that their man was about to lose again luckily they all have matching shirts now (SabinWear)! GUYS! FUCKING CHEER WILL YOU!! they sat on their hands most of the match, leaving a sea of “S” logo sitting aimlessly to distract me. Not as much so as the “N” logo shirt guys which turned out to be bogus, as that was only the “N” portion of the TNA logos on the turnbuckles – but the angle on the ring was just right for me to spend half the PPV staring and trying to figure out “Who has an “N” shirt and why are there two people in the crowd wearing the shirts not moving? Guess you had to see it did that make any sense? Well, neither did the Canadian Destroyer move that looked like Sabin would be bye-bye ville not being the finish. How is that move, the coolest thing in the business at the moment, supposed to mean anything when it 1. Rarely leads to a pin and 2. When it does, the opponent kick out. Finish sawr Daniels hit The Best Moonsault Ever (his name for it, certainly not mine) on the prone Sabin for the duke. Fun to watch, but very frustrating if you try to make sense of it.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Ken Shamrock vs. The Truth vs. Road Dogg vs. Konnan vs. Hernandez vs. Onyx vs. Collyer (Jarrett pins Truth after Shamrock knocks Truth silly with the guitar; pin)
Moving along to the real nonsense – long story short Royal Rumble rules to start, throw the dude over the top rope to eliminate him . In comes everyone, out goes a bunch of people (including Shamrock, who throws a fit, reminding us that it is now the ANGLE-LOCK, not an Ankle Lock)) leaving JJ and Truth to battle, which SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE MATCH TO BEGIN WITH. And it was, two weeks ago, only it was booked to a non-finish. So here we go again – JJ goes for the gee-tawr, but Shamrock returns to swipe it from him, only to EL KABONG Truth, leaving the crowd (actually only Tenay and West) to wonder “Whose side is he on”? Well, if they had paid attention to Shamrock’s promos, they would know he is only out for himself, but in their defense, other than going on and on about Octagon’s and Hexagon’s, I couldn’t make heads or tails of what he was saying, either. Why they continue to go out of their way to make this as convoluted as possible only Russo and Jerry Jarrett know – and Meltzer says that Jarrett’s opinion of anyone who can’t follow what is going on is “they don’t know anything about booking wrestling”. He has a point – he did make good money as a promoter and booker. However, I will counter with “Sorry, you hick…I’m stupid for not understanding why we need non-sensical non-finishes that lead to 6 men more than necessary in the subsequent return match, featuring a non-turn turn by a guy who hasn’t had a good wrestling match in 5 years. Oh yeah – and if you and Russo had my money, you could throw your’s away.”
THE PROMOS
Throughout the show, the 8 men involved in the Main Event did hard sell promos, every man for himself, etc. Shamrock was featured twice – as mentioned, he made a comparison between an octagon and hexagon several times, all the while bugging his eyes out, which only showed that he is an old man now, and not the World Most Dangerous Man. Hey, crows feet around the eyes don’t lie. Konnan’s promos are still his strong suit and it’s always a hoot to watch him speaking fluent Spanish with his gangsta bandana covering his face and then ripping off the bandana to get SERIOUS – in English. Well, Spanglish actually. It’s like he doesn’t want the rednecks in the crowd to know that it’s HIM telling his fellow Hispanics secrets. Cause all the white folk LUV Konnan, Odelay La Raza, but only when they can see his face. (Konnan, face covered): “Hey los amigos… roban sus carpetas, que ellos can’t me entienden! y el no sabe it’s yo detrás de este bandana! Nashville es LAS NUESTRAS!”
Alpha Male Monty Brown is all uppity about things and it appears there may be something wrong with him nope he is just ripping of the Rock and his mannerisms. Great promo – most likely scripted by Russo as Alpha Male must have spent the better part of the last week watching Rock-E promos from 1998. Hell, if you have to imitate someone, start at the top, I guess. And that’s not a knock against him – most in the know say that TNA is “very high” on Alpha Male, whereas people like me just think the TNA booking staff is high, period. He certainly has potential and even though the promo was all over the place (he managed to get “Serengeti” in twice – that’s his name for the ring – that idiot Shamrock just calls it a “hexagon”). Alpha Male 1, if only for style.
– Team Canada, specifically D’Amore, yelled at Scott Hudson again. Just let that Canadian Destroyer move lead to a victory!! Just once!!, Flea yells at no one.
Larry Z and Dusty continue their Woo the Weirdo schtick, trying in vain to get Jeff Hardy to sign a contact. Dusty has an official looking file folder with the name JEFF HARDY written in big bold letters, in case we are stupid. Actually, that helped – when he showed us (and presumably Jeff) the folder, he said “Jeff Jarrett”. Not that it slowed him down any Dusty says he has “everything that you (Jeff) could want” anyone have any The Wit around here? I’m sure there is a joke or two to be made. Larry Z’s involvement was kept to a minimum, which always works. Next week – Hardy needs to make a decision. Yeah, that’s just what the dude is after – constricting conformity and overbearing orthodoxy. I can’t see him riding around in Dusty’s promised limousine, but maybe that’s what he needs to get his mind right. Only took Cool Hand Luke a bunch of hard boiled eggs and then time in the box to no longer fail to communicate.
AMW cut another promo on the Naturals, good stuff as usual. Storm’s Motherly Advice of the Week: If you get knocked down, get up, get knocked back down, get up and then get revenge! Better than getting Mama inflicted hi-fi stereo to the grill, as described last week.
After winning the belts, The Naturals start crowing about going from the “Gut Check Challenge” (TNA’s kayfabe term for working your way onto the roster) to Tag Team Champs. Then Russo showed up and I will finish this in the angle section
Tenay and West were telling us all about next week, when AJ Styles confidently strutted to ringside and did his best imitation of Barney Fife (nip it in the BUD!) the “BUD” in this case is the nefarious duo of Kazarian and Shane, who have been throwing the No-Count Chump Card in AJ’s direction, in an effort to separate him from the X-Division belt. Styles: “I’ve been Tag Champion, X-Division Champion and World Champion why? Because I CAN!” I love that line, although he doesn’t say it with as much conviction as HBK. Give him time. However, Shane ain’t even trying to hear that, making some kind of Russofied match for next week also involving Kazarian, the end result being that Styles has to wrestle both guys twice or maybe twice against both guys or maybe that was twice in one night, against both guys one at a time. I honestly couldn’t tell you. Kazarian tries a Pearl Harbor attack, but Styles cleaned house on the both of them – including a sweet looking plancha over the top rope. Not sure what is up for next week, but I’m all for it.
Hyatte called and cut a promo about AMW (“My favorite Root Beer, Fleabag! Hawr!) I didn’t sell.
THE ANGLES
After the opener, David Young (still on his losing streak) real quick – did you know in the Stones song “Satisfaction” when Mick croons seductively to a girl and she tells him:
Baby Baby Come Back, maybe next week
Cause you see I’m on losing streak
That she is telling Sir Mick that she is on the rag? Well, now you do!
David Young bum rushes the ring, taking umbrage with Ref Mike Posey, who if you remember, helped the Midgets from a couple weeks ago make Young look quite the fool. Well, you wouldn’t know that if you counted on ME to tell you what happened, I stay away from anything involving midgets. Posey rips off his shirt, revealing the physique of a 98 pound weakling and proceeds to PUMMEL David Young (probably about 5’10, 240ish – a fireplug looking bastard) with punches that made Trinity and Desire yell “GIRL!!!”. I’m all for suspension of disbelief, but come on – that guy doesn’t look strong enough to cut the cheese.
After Vito pinned Siaki, he and Trinity laid a beatdown to Desire but wait! Irish Pat Kenney hits the ring and lays everyone out with a foreign object! What could that object be??? Tenay and West: IT’S AN IRISH WHIP!!! you see because he used a whip, painted green and he is Irish. I love Simon Diamond, but for crying out loud.
Kazarian and Shane came to the ring to bitch about AJ Styles. Jerry Lynn came out and gave them the what for, as well as defending Styles. Back and forth with the insults until Shane and K. sucker punched JL and proceeded to kick his ass. Wild X-Division brawl ensues, with Styles, Daniels and Skipper rushing out to save their fallen comrade from further agony. Sabin and Amazing Red also showed up, but didn’t really pick a side. Good enough for me especially when K and Shane return later to further harass AJ, but unfortunately making match stipulations that require a Doctorate in Dumbass to understand. But that’s next week this week’s angles for the X Division worked just fine.
Okay – so The Naturals and AMW have a feud proceeding quite rightly…not only have The Nats stolen AMW’s ring gear (old western style trenchcoats), but tonight they scored a cheap victory and proceeded to crow to Hudson about it. This is going great, so sayeth Flea until Russo comes in and makes a Tag Team Match the stips?
In a NON-TITLE MATCH (damn right I’ll remember that next week) AMW’s old western style trenchcoats will be hung above the ring. Two ladders will be involved. If AMW wins, they get a title shot the following week. If the Nats win, per their request, AMW will go on the aforementioned “Gut Check List”. Got it?
Now then – not counting the fact that there was no reason at all to have a gimmicked match like this just yet, but at least when RUSSO HIMSELF explains the stipulations, *I’m* at least able to get a grasp on it. As shown above, Russo left Michael Shane twisting in the wind later in the show trying in vain to explain Booking By Russo in regards to whatever is going on with Aj Styles next week. I have said it before and will say it again – if Russo is going to continue to regale us with his schizophrenic drunk match making, he needs to be there to explain it his own damn self.
Saving me from misery is AMW, who interrupt the interview with a revenge inspired ass kicking they brawl all over the building, with Douglas taking a sick bump over the railing to the concrete that would make Cactus cringe. Then he played dead – and I mean DEAD. Harris drags him around, like dead weight, until he can slam his head into another gawrdrail. Beautiful. Meanwhile, Storm is beating the living hell out of Douglas with a chair. The crowd is going absolutely crazy and I am marking out. THIS is what I want to see. AMW hates them? Yup. So just leave it at that and make the feud, instead of hanging coats above the ring. This feud doesn’t need gimmicks not that it’s going to stop the TNA Creative Staff from doing it. Per Jerry Jarrett, we don’t know from nothing remember?
NEXT WEEK
NWA Tag Team champions The Naturals vs. America’s Most Wanted – Non title Double Ladder Match
AJ Styles vs. Kazarian vs. Shane – something is happening
Team Canada vs. Christopher Daniels / Elix Skipper / Amazing Red / Chris Sabin
Shamrock will be there to explain himself
Tenay and West also promise us more of the Raven vs. Sabu feud!
PAGE SIX
1ryderfakin.com is back in business.
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Thanks for reading
FLEA
